


Such an ordinary family

by barjy02



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Domestic, Drama, Family, Friendship/Love, Gen, Humor, Love, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2018-06-10 00:30:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 138,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6930670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barjy02/pseuds/barjy02
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>UA DESTIEL<br/>Dean, a widower with two children sharing a home with his best friend, Castiel (and occasionally with the lover of this one, Balty)... Such on ordinary family<br/>But the heart has its reasons that the reason ignores.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Note: This prologue served as an introduction to the characters and how they found themselves together under the same roof. Future chapters will be bits of daily life, with up and downs, happiness and sadness, of anger and moments of tenderness.  
> Know that it will follow a chronological order.  
> I wanted to write this story as a hymn to tolerance and a hymn to love.  
> God is love, a phrase in sacred texts that certain people forgot to read.  
> I hope that you take as much pleasure out of reading as I have in writing this story. I have in fact, fallen in love with this family.  
> This is mostly a “day in the life” type of story, expect twists and turns as well as character growth.  
> This will be Destiel.
> 
> This prologue was translate by AnomalyLady, she did a wonderful job here.  
> I'll post a new chapter every two weeks.  
> .  
> Enjoy.

  
**Prologue**

 

Dean had been studying the pictures lining the fireplace mantle for quite some time.  
Memories of the past displayed before his eyes.  
Almost two years now since Tessa had died…  
He felt a strange sensation of distance and closeness… Like she was still there yet no longer occupying the space with him.  
At times he woke up during the night hoping to find her next to him.  
But there were days, now becoming more frequent, where he didn’t think of her… Well didn’t think of the pain of her absence that is…  
He had finished grieving… Finally.  
You could say the he had a lot to keep him busy… She had left him two beautiful children. A girl, Jewel, now 6 years old and a boy, Chadwick who was nearing 10… The treasures of his life… For them, he had endured, for them, he had survived, for them, he had gotten through it.  
  
Thanks to him as well…  
  
Castiel Novak, Tessa’s best friend, becoming by happenstance, his. No… He smiled… By faith… By choice…  
Dean had gotten along with him with the impression, from the very beginning, that they had always known each other.  
He smiled as he remembered… Tessa had really started something.  
She had invited him after Chadwick’s birth… They had known each other for ages but had lost touch over time… He had moved to New York with his boyfriend at the time.  
After five years of living together, they had split up… He had taken the road back to his home town after his father’s death… Father who had, since he had come out, refused to see him, to talk to him, or even to write him…  
  
They had dinned, conversed, and laughed a lot as well… And once he had left them, late that night, she had told Dean that Castiel was gay.  
Dean had had to admit that he hadn’t noticed anything; Castiel wasn’t effeminate, no mannerisms… He had none of preconceived notions one makes about homosexuals…  
Tessa had forgone expressing this fact beforehand so that Dean would not judge him before even getting to know him…  
Not that he was homophobic, he hadn’t really even thought about it…  
But for him, it was difficult to conceive that two men could be in love and much less share a bed.  
Tessa had just hoped that her best friend and husband would get along and that was exactly how it turned out…  
Dean developed a deep friendship with Castiel, she had even had moments of jealousy over their bond.  
  
Castiel was in a “relationship” with Balthazar though everyone called him Balty… A charming bisexual who enjoyed shocking his audience… With a caustic and sharp sense of humor but with a warm heart.  
He was the only boyfriend which Castiel introduced to the family… He was the only one as a matter of fact.  
Since his painful separation from his last boyfriend, he had only attached himself with this incorrigibly promiscuous man who had become a necessary stabilizing agent in his life.  
He was his lover, his friend, an adventurous companion but they were not in love…  
They were each other’s security… They shared a rather peculiar relationship.  
Castiel’s only lover was Balty.  
Balty had multitudes of conquests, with as many females as males… He loved sex and was rather vocal on the matter.  
  
At night, when the children were sleeping, he loved to tell tales of his encounters in every detail over a last drink…  
Castiel and Tessa shared friendly laughs at the faces Dean would pull in his discomfort over Balty’s crude words… Who loved to embellish every detail… The sexual life of a homosexual held no more secrets for Dean, despite him wishing otherwise.  
Balty would keep going on, when with a single look, Castiel would order him to be quiet…  
He always wore protection with his many lovers… He never did with Castiel…  
He knew the reason for his friend’s solitude… He accepted it… He joked about it on occasion but never at his expense.  
Castiel meant too much to him to do anything that would hurt him and that solitude was a delicate subject that he rarely brought up.  
He had known him for a long time… He could read him like an open book even if Castiel was rather reserved when it came to speaking about himself.

  
Castiel became a full member of the family… He shared their birthdays, holidays and family dinners… Sometimes even their vacations.  
The children loved him and even despite his awkwardness with them, he returned that affection tenfold.  
He wasn’t made for fatherhood and had never expressed any desires for it… But he adored Jewel and Chadwick.

Tessa’s death, struck down at 31 by cancer, left Dean an inconsolable widower, father of two children aged 4 and 7 at the time…  
Overcome by his sadness, he forgot about Castiel’s who took care of the children with help from Jo, Dean half-sister… A young woman full of life and unending loyalty to her older brother…  
She carried a torch for Castiel and for a long time thought she could change his orientation… To her grand disappointment, she had to make do with being friend rather than his lover.  
To Castiel, Jo was the little sister he had never had.

  
From the day of the burial during the first months of Grieving, tension ran high in the family apartment.  
The cost of care, funeral fees and the loss of a salary left Dean struggling to make ends meet.  
He was too proud to ask for help but no one was fooled.

It took Castiel coming to him with a suggestion of finding a house for all of them share, they could split the rent and expenses… His own apartment’s lease was coming to an end: so this way they could kill two birds with one stone.  
Dean hesitated for a long time… He liked Castiel a lot but he had never thought about living with him and sharing their personal lives… The intimacy that comes from living together day to day especially.

Tessa had been gone for 7 months, he hadn’t gotten past it but he needed to move forward… He agreed… Castiel and Jo started began house hunting.

They finally found a place just outside the city… With a small fenced yard, an attic converted into a loft that would be suitable for Castiel…  
A three bedroom house… It was perfect.  
Jo brought the children and Dean to see it… Faced with everyone’s enthusiasm… He accepted and two months later, they all moved in together.  
.  
On the mailbox read :

  
_“Winchester Family”_  
_“Novak, Castiel”_

  
It was then that started a family life which Dean considered “ordinary”.

  
www

  
Dean sighed… He turned when the front door opened and heard voices, Jewel, out of breath, she must have been talking nonstop during the trip and Chadwick who was trying in vain to get in his say so…  
Castiel came in, exhibiting a frown… He had gone to pick the kids up after school, and by the looks of things hadn’t been given a moment of peace.

Dean smiled at him while being mobbed by his children.  
  
Such an ordinary life… with people who weren’t… Well, not to him anyway…  
  
As per usual, Dean took care of dinner while Castiel was in charge of homework… They sat in the kitchen, Jewel on the right with a glass of milk close by… Chadwick dragged his heels but sat down at Castiel’s threat to remove his internet privileges…

Dean in the meantime prepared dinner while laughing as the children asked questions out of left field and Castiel attempted yet awkwardly to answer them.

He was much more patient than Dean in that respect… He couldn’t quite remember how they had settled into such a strange weekly routine.  
Castiel was a lot more patient, was more cultured and intelligent than Dean… He didn’t mind the fact at all… Dean was better with his hands, had fiery spirit and was more pragmatic than Castiel.  
Between the two of them, they made the perfect team.  
Once supper was finished, they went back to doing their own things.  
  
Castiel went out with friends, gay or not.  
Dean met some buddies once a week for a sports outing or just a friendly get-together…  
Jo played baby-sitter when neither Dean nor Castiel were available…  
  
Dean never brought his conquests home… It had been close to a year now that resumed his sexual life but not his love life… He didn’t want to expose his children to the women from his one night stands.  
Castiel had Balty over often… The children liked him, Dean as well…  
He was part of their closed family circle, with the same title as Jo or Uncle Bobby…  
  
Dean only asked that he avoid divulging the details of his sexual life in front of the kids, even if they did understand the sort of relationship he had with Castiel… For them, it was simple and normal as could be, for Dean, an adult, there was much more to it than that and it could be rather complicated.  
When one morning, he found Balty dressed in only a pair of bright fuchsia boxers surrounding by the kids who were laughing hysterically, while he cooked breakfast, acting like a dandy for laughs, he told himself that after all, hearing his children laugh was well worth a little bit of rule bending...  
It was surprisingly, Castiel who commented.  
Balty continued goofing around… in pyjama pants.  
  
Week-ends were never planned out… Dean sometimes worked at the garage on Saturdays if needed… Castiel would then bring Jewel to her dance class and Chadwick to his swimming lessons…  
He would use the time to do the groceries and to pick the kids back up on the way home.  
When Dean didn’t work, it was his job to take care of the kids and Castiel would take his Saturday.

Sundays were sacred… It was Dean’s day… The day he dedicated to his kids.  
It was the only day he barely saw Castiel…  
  
And so went their lives… Routine somehow sidetracked by life’s whims but the routine was necessary for the children’s wellbeing… They had found themselves without a mother but surrounded by a father who loved them twice over and a man, Castiel, whom they considered to be like a second father.  
  
Despite the pain from the loss, they had succeeded in overcoming their sadness and even if sometimes Chadwick buried in tears in his pillow just like his father did, or Jewel asked questions about Paradise and her mommy in the sky, they were happy.  
Jo and Balty watch them live… Amazed by this extraordinary family who met life’s challenges head on, who found true happiness in the simplest things… In being together… being a family.  
  
Of course there were some people who judged, who spoke ill of the fact that a homosexual share the life a widowed father of two… People talked, and it had surprised Jo in the beginning, Dean however didn’t take notice… He had long ago gotten passed Castiel’s preferences.  
For him, he was just his best friend, the best one could have… The only one he wanted by his side.  
  
Castiel accepted his orientation and thus, didn’t feel the obligation to advertise in order to validate himself.  
Jo was sure that if Castiel had been Balty, things would have been much less easy going for her brother…  
Dean liked Castiel’s discretion and in return he enjoyed the fact that Dean regarded him as a friend, a man and not an abomination of nation as his deceased father had claimed…

  
Of course there were arguments, hurtful words, moments of silence and sadness at times…  
But that were moments of closeness, laughter, sharing, and little bits of happiness from day to day life…  
  
This house, a silent witness to the fact…

  
  
                                                                                                                                                End of prologue


	2. Apache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d like to thank you all for stopping by and reading this fic. I sincerely hope you’ll like it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> .  
> Have fun

Chapter I : Apache

 

 

The kids had been begging for months, yet Dean had systematically refused to give in.  
Neither Chadwick nor Jewel had managed to get any support whatsoever from Castiel as he didn’t want to mix in.

Nevertheless, one day, as he was really tired, he just let out he wouldn’t mind : soon after the children rushed to their father to insist, one more time …

« Dad…Can we have a dog ? »  
« I already said no. »  
« But why ? » Jewel was playing the begging game with large brown puppy eyes.  
« Because I’ll be the one who’s gonna have to take care of it. I’ll be the one who will have to walk it every day».  
« I can do that… I’m a big boy and the park is close enough to our house.» Chadwick claimed.  
« For Heaven’s sake, when did you start growing that obsession to have a … a dog ?»  
«I’ve always wanted to have one. » Chadwick stated, crossing his arms on his chest, posing in a defying attitude.

 

Castiel was sitting at the kitchen table. He couldn’t help but noticing similar attitudes between father and son …Same posture, same way of talking… but above all, same stubbornness.  
Jewel grabbed her father’s leg and looked up at him with begging eyes. She, on the other hand, was her mom Tessa’s spitting image.  
He felt as if she was standing in the room behind him, observing them all. He smiled to himself.  
« What’s to funny ? » Dean shouted with a trace of anger in his voice.  
« Tell him, Castiel. Tell him you don’t mind us having a dog. »  
« Sure, go ahead, Cass… tell me. » Dean was defying him.  
« I never said I agreed, I only said that I wouldn’t mind. » Castiel replied, suddenly caught off guard.  
« See, Dad ? » Jewel screamed.  
« He said yes. »  
« So you intend to feed it, walk it, pick up the poop that’s gonna decorate the living room, right ? » Dean answered back.  
Castiel raised an eyebrow.  
« Don’t start with your I-don’t-quite-understand-what-you-mean look, ‘cause you understood me perfectly.». Dean was furious.  
« Why do you pick up on me?... I didn’t say anything. »  
« There’s nothing to say. You always stand up for the kids and I’m supposed to be the bad guy, as usual. »  
« But, Dean… why are you so mad about ? I’d like to point out that you are the one always giving in to their whims. » Castiel replied, unable to wipe the scowl off his face.  
« C’mon, Daddy. » Jewel was going on begging.  
« I said no, end of discussion »  
« There was no discussion at all » a sulky Chadwick replied.  
« No need for one. I’m still your father, as far as I know. And I said no. Now, move on, get your stuff or you’re gonna be late for school.»  
« You’re not nice » Jewel said, letting go of his leg.  
« Yeah, sure, I’m a monster, everybody knows that. » he said tousling his daughter’s hair.  
She started to laugh and ran away to her brother.  
« Hey, you surrendered again ! » Chadwick groused.  
« That’s not true !» she said with a bit of outrage in her voice.  
« Yes, it is. Never mind, we’ll try again tomorrow. »  
« All right. »  
   
Castiel couldn’t refrain from smiling. He stood up, walked to the sink and put down his empty coffee cup.  
« They have grown up. Don’t you think it’s time for them to have a pet ? »  
« Don’t you start too ! » Dean was looking daggers at him.  
« Didn’t you have a pet when you were a kid ? »  
« Sure, but it’s not the same… I was living in the countryside, not in town. »  
« So what ? »  
« So… are you going to take care of the mutt when he needs to go ? No ! Are you going to educate him so he won’t drool on the couch and sniffle into the garbage ? No ! Are you going to take him to the vet, pick up his trash and so on and so forth ?»  
« Okay, cool down, I got it. » Castiel raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.  
« Good. »  
« I’ll drive them to school. I have to pay a visit to Maxime, it’s on my way. »  
« Thanks. » Dean snapped back.  
« You’re welcome, grumpy. »  
« Bitch. »  
« Assbutt. »  
Castiel left but he could feel Dean’s eyes on his back as he heard the profound sigh…  
A dog… And then what ?  
 

www

 

Jo came to visit the next day, a casual visit…Uncle Bobby was accompanying her.  
He had brought a pecan nut pie, Jewel’s favorite, and an apple pie, to satisfy Dean and Chadwick’s preferences.  
Bobby wasn’t actually their uncle. Jo was Dean’s half-sister. Dean’s mother, Mary, had remarried Bobby’s nephew, Mark, who at that time already had a little girl, Jo.  
Jo had chosen to live with him; she was five years younger than Dean. After a few fights, they rapidly became inseparable and were indeed considering themselves as full blood brother and sister.  
When her parents got divorced, Jo went to live with her father. When she turned eighteen, she went to live with Mary with whom she had kept excellent relationship. But above all, she was happy to reunite with Dean whom she’d missed more than anyone.  
Mary had passed away several years later from a ruptured aneurysm.  
Dean already had a job and Jo came to live with him for two years: then she found a job of her own as a waitress and met her first love, Ash.  
Bobby had always been there for them, he was seeing Dean as a full member of his family and the feeling was mutual for Dean.  
He hated Ash, not because he lacked any feeling of love strictly speaking, but in his mind, Ash didn’t fit the shoes of the ideal son for his beloved niece.  
When she announced they had broken up, he couldn’t contain his joy.  
Then when she announced that Castiel was gay, he couldn’t hide his disappointment as he thought the man could have been such the ideal son-in-law.

The family gathered around the living room coffee table: the room was filled with laughters, screams, cross talks : and of course, the dog subject came up for discussion one more time.  
« Uncle Bobby ? »  
« Yes, Chad ? ». Bobby lifted the peak of his cap which he was wearing all the time.  
« Do you have pets at home? » he asked while taking a bite of his pie.  
« I’ve always had animals, but you know this already. Besides, you know Jack » Bobby answered with a suspicious look.  
Jack was the Rottweiler guarding the farm he owned just outside of town.  
« Why do you ask? »  
« Just asking » Chad replied with a smirk.  
Bobby heard Dean let out a profound sigh.  
« They got it into their heads that they want a dog. »  
« My oh my, this is such a great idea! » Jo claimed with enthusiasm.  
« Don’t you even think of going there, okay! » Dean snapped back, laying aside his plate on the fireplace mantle.  
« What about you, what’s your opinion? » She asked Castiel who was cutting the pecan nut pie crust into smaller bites for Jewel, sitting on the floor at his feet.  
« No comment »  
« Excuse me? » Dean hit back at Castiel.  
« I’m not against having a dog in this house, but I have to admit I’m a little uncomfortable with animals.»  
« Why is that? » Dean went on.  
« I never had one because my mother was allergic to hair. Thus I never had an animal, except a canary that barely made it through the year. »  
« And? » Dean was asking for more.  
« And that’s that.» Castiel replied while cutting the last piece of pie in front of Jewel’s hungry eyes.  
« I just don’t know what’s involved to keep a pet, that’s all… Here you go, sweetie» he went on, handing the plate to Jewel.  
« Thanks » She let her fork on the floor and grabbed the pieces with her fingers.  
« Jewel ! » Dean reprimanded.  
« But Dad, it’s easier than to use the … »  
« Just eat, Sweetie » Castiel picked up the fork and smiled.  
« Now c’mon on !» Dean was obviously not happy with Castiel’s reaction. « Can you imagine him and a puppy to raise? He would let it do whatever it wants, the place would turn into Hell.»  
« Hold it there. I’m not letting them do whatever they want. »  
« Oh yes?»  
« Now what is THAT supposed to mean?»  
« Dean is scared of dogs.» Jo revealed while putting her plate back on the table.  
« It’s not true. » Dean snapped, staring at her wide-eyes to make her stop.  
« My dad had a boxer named Ronin. One day, the dog bit him in the ass. Dean has been scared to death of dogs ever since.»  
« Dammit, Jo, Shut up!»  
« Dean...watch your mouth in front of the kids » Bobby exclaimed.  
« Gimme a break, will ya ? You’re swearing in front of them all day long and I’ve never said anything.»  
« But you’re their father!»  
« I know a lot of bad words.» Jewel stated with a smile.  
« Oh really? Well, good girl!» Bobby replied ironically.  
Jo stood up.  
«I have a friend whose dog will put down soon.»  
“Oh yeah?” Chadwick seemed excited.  
“JO!” Dean raised his voice.  
“Stop it. It’s not because Sir Dean is afraid of dogs that others must be deprived of having one.”  
“Let them have a cat”  
“We don’t want a cat… We want a dog.” Chadwick started to sulk.  
“You know, I like cats too.” Jewel said in plain innocence, stuffing the last piece of crust in her mouth.  
“Jewel!” Her brother was now staring daggers at her.  
“But I prefer dogs.” She rectified immediately.  
Castiel couldn’t help laughing quietly.  
« Laugh it up ! You know what ? You’ll take care of it because I certainly won’t. Out of the question! Got it?»  
« Dean, please, what did I say? »  
« Nothing. You don’t have to say a word, I can see it in your eyes.»  
« WHAT? » He rose from his chair. « But I don’t wanna take care of a dog !» Castiel said, defending his position.  
« Please, Castiel say yes. » Jewel was begging at his feet.  
« Please, Castiel, say yes. I swear I’ll walk it and I’ll take good care of it » Chadwick added.  
« But, Dean, you said you didn’t want any.»  
« I for sure don’t want it. THEY obviously want it, and since YOU agree…»  
« But I don’t know how I can manage THAT, I have a job and I won’t have the time to take care of that little creature.»  
« I’ll take care of it, I swear, cross my heart. »  
« Provided our hearts ever survive this. » Dean mumbled, showing a mixture of grin and contained anger.  
« I don’t agree.» Castiel was now petrified.  
He wondered how Dean had managed once again to turn the situation to his advantage and have him take the blame.  
He looked at him with panic in his eyes, Jewel was holding tight to his pants and Chadwick was all supplication.  
A mocking Jo and a desperate Bobby were watching the scene.

« Well, Cass… » Dean asked, crossing his arms on his chest. « How does it feel to be the bad guy ?»  
Castiel frowned.  
« Why do you mean? »  
« They want a dog, I said no but it seems my opinion is worth squat around here. So ?»  
« So, do you really think I’m incapable of taking care of any pet, is that it? » Castiel’s feelings were bruised.  
« I believe you’re incapable of taking care of anyone.»  
« Dean » Bobby shouted, somewhat furious  
« I was not talking about the kids, Bobby.» Dean felt so sorry that he might have thought otherwise. Without Castiel, he would never have made it through the hard times with the kids. He never blamed him for anything, and when he did, it was always in an amused way ; Castiel knew this and he let go without further reaction.  
« OK. » Castiel suddenly said.  
« OK to what? »  
« I mean… I agree. »  
« This is gonna be fun, I can feel it. » Dean was all smiles, though with a touch of irony.  
« You mean… we’re gonna have a dog? For real? » Chadwick was staring at Castiel and his father, his eyes going from one to the other and back again.  
There was a feeling of joy and at the same time fresh anticipation of the stress this would obviously generate.  
« I’ll speak to my friend, then » Jo smiled.  
« Er… has anyone wandered what breed it is? » Bobby suddenly asked very calmly.  
« I guess we skipped that part. » Castiel was now showing more concern.  
Jewel stood up and ran into Jo’s arms.  
« Are we gonna have a dog, for real? »  
« Yes, pumpkin, you are. You can thank Castiel for that. »  
Her eyes and mouth were now wide open.  
She turn around and jumped into Castiel’s arms whose face suddenly turned extremely pale.  
« Are you OK, Cass ?» Dean was laughing, although he felt a bit ashamed by the turn of events.  
« What breed is it? » he asked in a casual tone.  
« It’s a Dogo argentino. »  
« What ? But it’s … »  
« Some big hound ! » Dean was laughing out even louder.  
« I’ll buy a camera, this is gonna be so much fun. » he went on.  
« Don’t pay attention, Castiel. »  
He put down Jewel and turned to her.  
« Lili is extremely obedient. She’s so adorable and she loves kids. »  
« Lili » Castiel slowly repeated the name with a dismayed look on his face.  
« Do you prefer a male or a female ? »  
« A male » Chadwick shouted.  
« While we’re at it, better get a male, right, Cass ?» as he winked at him.  
« I don’t find this amusing, Dean » Castiel’s face now looked panicked.  
« I find this rather hilarious. »  
« We have to find a name. »  
« Yes… yes !»  
« You still got plenty of time. She’ll give birth at the end of the week and you’ll have to wait until the babies are weaned for another two months. »  
« Two months ?! » Both children let out a simultaneous long and profound sigh.  
« You have more time than you need to find him a name and prepare for his arrival. Right, Castiel? » He said with a genuine smile of complicity.  
« Sure » Castiel whispered and let himself down on the couch as Dean looked at him and felt bit sorry for him meanwhile Bobby was squinting his eyes at Dean who shrugged his shoulders as if to say:  
« It’s not my fault.»

 

www  
 

 

Castiel was sitting in the kitchen, staring at his coffee mug. Dean had let him brew in his own juice for three weeks ; the children was speaking of nothing else than that dog which had become an obsession.  
He had looked for more info on the net… one hundred and ten pounds… more than two feet at shoulder height.  
This was more than he could manage…  
Dean was watching in silence…Castiel took upon himself to keep on smiling with the kids… A new dog basket was ready in the hall, where it was supposed to remain… Brand new toys were waiting in a plastic box …  
The kids had broken their money bank to buy 2 bowls.  
Castiel has paid for a higher fence in the garden.  
Jo called to invite them to come and choose the pup… They were all extremely nervous… Chadwick and Jewel were unable to remain calm for a second.  
   
He took a sip of his cold coffee and peaked at his watch. He had taken the afternoon off and in half an hour, he would go and pick up the kids. Jo would join them at the school gate.  
Dean was supposed to work. He jumped when he heard him come home.  
« Dean ? »  
« Hi. »  
« You’re home early. »  
« Frank and Kevin will manage. I couldn’t let you go by yourself. Listen, Cass » He pulled out a chair and sat in front of him.  
« I’m sorry »  
« What are you sorry for ? »  
« For leaving you in that mess. Jo’s right. I’m afraid of dogs, that’s why I didn’t want one in the first place. Because of that and also because I knew that I would be on doggy duty.»  
« So you set me up instead» Castiel replied as he put down his mug.  
« I lost control, I admit. But don’t worry, I will not let you in this mess alone»  
« Thanks for the trust » Castiel sighed.  
« Don’t take this the wrong way, Cass »  
« I don’t, Dean. It’s just that I feel overwhelmed and I don’t want to disappoint the kids, that’s all. »  
« Disappoint the kids ? » Dean smiled, feeling a burst of tenderness in his heart.  
« Cass, the kids love you. Besides, you’re their new God; thanks to you, they’re gonna have a dog. »  
« Because of me » Castiel corrected, letting out a deep sigh.  
« We’ll manage. We’ve been through so much together. We won’t be overtaken by a little puppy, right ? »  
« You seem to forget that your little puppy will one day weigh more than a hundred pounds »  
« Oh shit! » Dean sat back on his chair, suddenly feeling a heavy weigh on his shoulders.  
They remained silent for a while, facing each other on each side of the table.  
« You know what? I think this dog is a good idea» Dean suddenly said.  
« Really ? » Castiel seemed doubtful.  
« Yeah. The children deserve this. And I have a feeling this is gonna be fun»  
« If you say so » Castiel smiled although he felt a bit heartbroken.  
« We’re gonna be great dog owners. »  
« We’re gonna be great dog owners attending canine classes with the kids, we’re gonna learn how not to lose an arm while walking him» Castiel stood up.  
« That’s right. Great idea. » Dean was all smiles.  
 

www

 

Jo drove them to their final destination. They pulled over in front a little house on the outskirts of town.  
Dean had a hard time calming down the kids and had to raise his voice, which he rarely did. Most of the time, one look was enough to get the kids behave properly.  
Castiel was nervous and rubbed his wet hands down his jeans as he felt Jewel’s little hand squeeze more tightly.  
She was smiling at him.  
« Ready, Sweetie ? »  
« Yep » she replied with a big smile on her face.  
Dean was walking behind them, one hand on Chadwick’s shoulder, walking by his side.  
A middle-aged woman welcomed them with a smile.  
« Hello Jo »  
« Hello Ella »  
« Are these the children you told me about? »  
« Yes. Ella, let me first introduce you to my brother Dean. Meet Chadwick and Jewel…and this is Castiel. »  
« Please to meet you » they all said in unison.  
« It’s a pleasure. Please come on in. »  
In a corner of the kitchen, they saw a huge basket with a white dogue and 7 puppies. The children were a bit reluctant to get closer at first.  
« So I’ve heard that you’d like to adopt a little male, right? » Ella smiled.  
« Yes, M’am.» Chadwick replied shyly.  
Dean winked at Castiel.  
« Come with me. There are 4 of them. You may choose one »  
She delicately grabbed the four males while their mom was carefully watching.  
Jewel seemed more interested by one of them, all white, with a tiny brown spot on the forehead.  
« He is cute » she said, addressing her brother.  
« You pick one, Jewel, and I get to name him, OK? »  
« OK » she nodded.  
« I want him. »  
« Excellent choice. You’ll see, in a few weeks, the spot is going to turn darker. He will be white with only that black spot »  
« Daddy ? »  
Both children turned to their father.  
« It’s your dog, angels, you get to choose »  
« We’ll take this one»  
« Yeah» Jewel confirmed.  
« We’ll call him….Apache »  
« Apache it is. I’ll fill in the paperwork: his identification chip will be registered under that name too.» Ella smiled back at the kids.  
Castiel came closer and kneeled down. The puppy raised his head to him at once.  
« Oh look, Castiel, he loves you already»  
Castiel smiled.  
« So it seems »  
« Who wouldn’t love Castiel, anyway? » Jo said, winking at her brother.  
« What about our financial arrangement? »  
« Don’t worry, you’ll just have to pay for the vet visits and the electronic identification. I’ve known Jo for years. Consider this a gift. »  
« Thank you, Madam »  
« Ella… » She corrected.  
« Ella » Dean repeated as he watched Castiel cradling the little dog and the kids laughing at the scene.  
« He’ll be ready to go in about three weeks. I’ll inform Jo when the time has come. »  
They reluctantly said their goodbyes. Castiel was in heaven. So were the kids. Dean had finally accepted to hold the puppy in his arms, as Jewel had insisted so much.  
One lick on the nose, everyone laughing and Dean was trapped as well.  
The whole family was now impatient to welcome its new member.

   
www

 

At the beginning of June, the Winchester and Novak family welcomed its new member : Apache.  
Castiel turned out to be a much better owner than Dean suspected. He was showing authority and the puppy was following him everywhere.  
Chadwick was feeding him twice a day.  
Jewel was waking him up and putting him to bed, while playing with him.  
Dean and Castiel spent the first weeks of their new parent life cursing while cleaning Apache little “accidents”.

 

« Shit, Apache » Dean shouted as he had stepped into something disgusting.  
« Exactly » Castiel laughed back.  
From then on, nobody ever walked in the house barefoot again.  
././.  
« Apache ! » Castiel sighed.  
The puppy looked at him, happily swaying his tail and holding a ripped slipper in his mouth.  
././.   
« Daddy !» Jewel yelled with tears in her eyes.  
« How many times have I told you not to let your fingers too close to his mouth while holding that toy. Throw it away, this squeaky noise is getting on my nerves.»  
 ././.  
« Apache…Up…Apache »  
« Chad…He’s barely three months old. He needs time to learn»  
« But, Castiel…he is sitting on my PSP !»  
././.  
« C’mon on, Apache, let’s go for a walk »  
Chadwick was leaving with Jewel …The puppy would refuse to follow…  
They had to drag him with his leash. He would let himself pull, rubbing his butt on the ground and moaning until they reached the door.  
« DADDY ! »  
« You’re on your own. You wanted a dog, now deal with it ! »  
././.

 

Weeks went by and Apache settled in the family. Every Saturday, after their swimming and dancing classes, the kids and Dean – as well as Castiel when he was free - would go to the canine education center. Apache was learning to obey… when it pleased him !  
Dogo are known to be stubborn. Yet there were also known to be extremely lovable and family-oriented.  
At the age of six months, he was responding to his name and to orders, he was clean and displayed a well-balanced temper.  
Castiel was rather proud of his accomplishment.  
The kids were too, especially when their father or Castiel were picking them up at school with Apache who was the main attraction. 6 months old and he was already quite something!  
He was also drooling a lot. Dean and Castiel were used to put a towel on their right shoulder, where the dog would lay his head to rest during the walk.

Balty seemed to turn prematurely senile in front of the dog and adopted a peculiar language in front of him.  
« Here is Uncle Balty cutie doggie » grabbing his jowls.  
« If you were a man, I’d marry you » kissing him on the head.  
« Great pair of balls! » looking at the right place.  
The kids just loved his funny acting and Apache was sitting on his lap each time he came for a visit.  
As time went by, Balty had to sit on the floor, the dog was getting too big.  
One good lick and Balty’s hair were messed up.  
« This dog loves me. He is the only living being whose tongue makes me regret I’m only just a man.»  
Dean frowned and raised his eyes to heaven.  
« For God’s sake, could you please focus on something else, for a change? »  
« Why should I ? Apache and I are on the same wavelength.»  
« I don’t doubt it » Dean replied as he grabbed away Apache who was getting exited on Balty’s leg.  
   
Castiel was walking Apache in the morning. The kids were running with him in the park after school for about an hour and Dean was walking him before going to bed.  
A new routine had been adopted by this ultimately ordinary family.

End chapter I  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note about the translator :
> 
> This fic was originally written in French. A Belgian writer read this story, fell in love with it and graciously proposed to translate it for me. Her name is Elyrian Miller. She is a certified translator but you have to keep in mind she’s a French native. Nevertheless, she started the adventure though, and I’m thankful she managed to finalize it.  
> Elyrian and I hope that you will find the quality of this translation acceptable.  
> I’d like to express her my ever-lasting gratitude for painstakingly translating this fic into English, on top of her private life.  
> For the record, Elyrian is also a writer of original characters and hopes to publish her first novel next year…in French. If you wish to get in touch with her, please PM me.  
> Barjy02.  
>  


	3. Camping

 

 

Dean had been cursing for more than half an hour. Why had he ended up agreeing to this?  
Besides, how did he end up building this tent that refused to cooperate, despite the powerful hammer blows and all the insults he could think of ?  
Chadwick was laughing his heart out and tried to help his father who refused to let go anyway.  
« Dad, we should wait for Castiel!»  
« What is that supposed to mean ? That I’m too stupid to plant four pegs?»  
« Six» his son corrected.  
« Hey, gimme a break, will ya? » Dean was really upset, his t-shirt was sticky because of the sweat. The sun had reached its zenith, the temperature had reached about 90°F.  
All he could dream of was to dive into the lake down their makeshift base camp.  
He cursed Castiel and his stupid idea for a week-end activity.  
Where was he anyway ? He had left about an hour ago with Jewel to pick up some wood for the fire.  
He was pretty sure Castiel was hiding behind a tree, laughing at him with his daughter.  
He raised his eyes and looked at his son who smiled at him, which he found even more irritating.

 

www

   
Chadwick had jumped to the ceiling when Castiel had proposed a family week-end trip four days before.  
Dean hadn’t really reacted when he heard the word « nature »… He thought walking in the woods would be involved, but certainly not a whole week-end living in the woods, trying to avoid mosquitoes eating you alive and hurting his back, sleeping on a ground which had nothing to match his comfortable mattress at home.  
« That’s a good idea» he said, hoping his first morning coffee would kick in fast. « A little family activity will do us good ; besides, the weather forecast is ideal. »  
Jewel was extremely excited about it.  
« Apache…Apache... Dad said yes. We are going to sleep in the woods! » she claimed as she rushed out of the kitchen with the dog on her heels.  
« Sleep in the woods ? » Dean repeated, putting down his coffee mug on the table. He suddenly looked mortified.  
« You didn’t let me finish, Dean » Castiel smiled, biting in his toasted bread.  
« You mean… I just committed to sleep out in the open ? »  
« Yes you did » Castiel was laughing.  
« No way ! » Dean snapped back, standing up. « I hate this. It’s full of bugs and the only time I have been on a camping trip, there were thunderstorms and organized mosquitoes raids. THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING THROUGH THIS AGAIN !»  
« Dad, you promised » his son reminded.  
« It’s just for one night, Dean. Try to make an effort, for a change. »  
« Oh you, cut it out ! We all know you love to roll in the grass, so of course you’re excited about this. I’m a city guy, a real one who loves the smell of CO² and the sound of roaring engines.» Nevertheless, Dean felt already trapped somehow.  
« Don’t get mad, it’s useless » Castiel stopped being cheerful. « I will ask Jo to come with us instead. I promised that activity to the kids. I thought you’d be happy to join. »  
« Don’t you start! You know damn well I love to do things with the kids. It’s just that camping and me… well, we don’t get along so well. »  
« We had a great time with Mom last time » Chadwick said in a faint whisper.  
« You bet. Those bloody mosquitoes drew up to the last blood drop out of me.»  
« Do you know you can buy mosquito nets and sprays ? » Castiel replied casually.  
« Yeah, thanks for the tip, smart ass  
; but I wasn’t gonna wander with a net on my face the whole time, right ? And that damn spray wasn’t working.»  
« Mom and I didn’t get bit.»  
« Of course, you weren’t. Those sons of bitches were targeting me all along. »  
« Just bitches » Castiel corrected.  
« What, bitches ? »  
« Those bitches were targeting you. Only the females are biting, not the males. »  
« Screw you » Dean shouted as he left the kitchen. « No way I’m gonna get fucked in the bush.”  
« He’ll come » Chadwick smiled as he swallowed a spoonful of cereals.  
« I know » Castiel winked back with a smile.  
   
They all hopped in Castiel’s Ford early morning the following Saturday. Dean had reluctantly agreed to come along. Three supplications and one sad look from Jewel had finally convinced him. However, he had refused that his baby, his beloved Impala, be forcefully dragged in the woods.  
The kids loaded the trunk: two tents lent by Jo, a portable stove, food, an emergency kit and they were on their way. Chadwick and Jewel sat on the back seat with Apache leaning his head on Castiel’s shoulder, driver side.  
Dean hopped in last.  
« Dammit ! 7 a.m. This is not my idea of a relaxation week-end » He mumbled as he attached his safety belt.

  
   
www  
 

  
And here he was again, grumbling like hell. He had barely managed to plant two pegs of the tent he was supposed to share with his children.  
« Shit ! … Goddammit !! »  
« Dean ! » Castiel was not happy with Dean’s cursing so much.  
« Here you are ! You’ve been gone for ages. Where have you been ? »  
« Jewel wanted to look around. »  
« Oh yeah ? What about us ? »  
« Dean, I offered my help to set up the tents, you declined, remember ? » he replied throwing an armful of wood on the ground.  
« Where is the tent, Daddy?» Jewel asked with such innocence as she threw a few smaller branches on Castiel pile. Apache sat next to her.  
« SHIT ! » Dean snapped. He threw the hammer on the ground and walked away. He could hear his son start to laugh and Castiel begin to work on the tents.

Dean knew he had to calm down. Indeed, this week-end was meant to be relaxing and he refused to spoil the party by being a pain in the ass; after all, this was supposed to last for two days only.  
Next time…  
There won’t be a next time… he thought, as he ragefully kicked a clump of earth.  
   
Eventually, he started to relax, softly rocked by the silence of the place which was filled with only bird melodies.  
He sat on a fallen trunk and admired Peanlow Lake in front of him. It was hot, but at least he had found some shadow.  
Memories suddenly started to creep in, like dying waves on a beach.  
Tessa…  
Several years ago, he had accepted to go camping with her on the West Coast, in one of those big national parks that so favored. She had been a den mother in her youth. Dean hated nature. But he loved Tessa.  
They had spent a week-end in the open, just the three of them. Jewel had remained with Jo as she was too young at the time.  
It was their last holidays together.  
He sighed. He missed her so much all of a sudden and his heart sank when he realized he hadn’t thought of her in such a way for a long time. He felt guilty but then again, life had to go on and she wouldn’t be happy to see him give up on life.  
He smiled: happiness was at hand, again, he knew Tessa was watching from up above. He knew she would rejoice.  
For his family. This precious family: Chadwick, Jewel, Jo, Bobby and even Balty. But especially Castiel…  
He wondered what would have happened if Castiel hadn’t been there.  
He knew he owed him so much and thought he ought to tell him more often. Obviously Castiel owed them just as much. His own family had rejected him when he had confessed his homosexuality. Dean’s family had welcomed him as a true member of the family and Castiel felt the sacrifice was worth it. Yet was it sacrifice, in the end? Dean smiled. There was no sacrifice in their lives. Only a magical bond. An extraordinary family.

He got up, leaning his hands on his knees.  
« Two days, man. Try to make an effort. »  
When he joined the others, he realized several hours had gone by. His stomach was there to remind him of the basic necessities.  
The tents were properly set up, next to each other. A small one for Castiel, a larger one for Dean and the kids.  
Jewel was playing with the dog, throwing a wooden stick in the lake. Apache ran till the bank, hesitated for a brief moment and then jumped in the water.  
Chadwick was sitting next to Castiel who had started the portable stove.  
He startled when he heard a noise behind his back.  
« Dean. »  
« I’m starving » he said taking a deep inhale… “Smells like grilled sausages.”  
« JEWEL » Chadwick called out loud. Their father was back, meaning they could finally eat.  
« Are you all right ? » Castiel gently asked.  
« Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry about my angry outburst earlier » he said, rubbing the back of his neck, feeling ashamed.  
« Don’t worry, the kids and I had fun. »  
« I don’t doubt it. » he replied, sitting next to him.  
They ate. The laughed. They fought with spoons using corn as ammunition. Apache was running all over the place in a desperate attempt to catch all the corn kernels falling from the plates as godsend offered to his bottomless stomach.  
Afterwards, the children wanted to swim in the lake. Castiel refused : digestion safety rules first. Dean decided to take a nap. He had worked late the night before and was dog tired. Castiel went for a walk with the kids. Apache refused to follow and remained by Dean’s side. Jumping in the lake so many times earlier had apparently drained him too.  
   
When the trio came back to the camp, Dean was already awake and waiting for them. He was bare chested, wearing black Bermuda shorts only.  
« Aren’t you gonna put your bathing suits on? » He was all smiles.  
The kids ran to the tent, screaming and pushing each other to get there first under the tired supervision of Apache sitting at the entrance.  
« Aren’t you? » he asked Castiel who kept staring at the lake.  
« Yeah, sure» He looked as if he had been lost in painful memories for a little while.  
« Cass ? » Dean walked towards him.  
« Are you OK, man ? »  
« Yeah sure. Don’t worry. » Castiel smiled and headed for his tent.

Less than five minutes later, the kids were all set : Chadwick was wearing red shorts and Jewel a lovely bikini. She ran to the father, handing him the swim-trainers. When he was done inflating them, Castiel showed up, ready to swim.  
Dean had always been impressed by the stature of his friend. It was not the first time he was seeing him bare-chested yet it was always a bit of a surprise to see that Castiel was hiding solid muscles behind an apparently fragile-looking silhouette.  
He looked away when he realized Castiel was looking at him too.  
« Come here, little girl» he adjusted the swim-trainers on his daughter’s arms.  
« Why do I have to put them on, Dad…I can swim. »  
« I know, baby, but it’s dangerous. And please, stay close to us, understood ? »  
« Yes » she nodded, pawing the ground.  
Chadwick had already jumped in the water, screaming like a fool and laughing because of the temperature shock.  
« Oh God, it’s freezing » he said as he started to swim.  
« Stay close to the bank, Chad » his father shouted.  
« C’mon on, all of you! » Chad called.  
Dean took his daughter in his arms and felt her little arms squeeze him around the neck.  
« Ready ? » he asked with a smile.  
« Yeaaaaaaaaah ! »  
He took a run-up and jumped in the water, his body curled up in a ball.  
He screamed even more when Jewel laughed her heart out, wiping the water from her face.  
The water was indeed rather cold.  
« Oh shit… C’mon Cass, the water is good » Dean was lying of course.  
« I can see that » Castiel replied as he reached the bank.  
He hesitated for a while… which actually seemed like an eternity.  
« APACHE ! » Dean called at the top of his lungs. The dog jumped on his feet and ran towards the lake.  
Castiel didn’t see it coming and suddenly the dog jumped on his back and pushed him in the water.  
Castiel flailed for a little while, trying to regain his balance at the surface. The Winchesters were laughing out loud.  
He emerged from the water and brushed his hair off his eyes.  
« Son of a bitch!» He said, splashing water on Dean with his hand.  
Then there were water fights, swimming races that Chadwick won every time, a volley ball match with the ball Castiel took a while to inflate and which Apache destroyed less than an hour later. The sound of the explosion in his mouth scared him so much that he ran away and found refuge, all wet and muddy, in Castiel’s tent.  
« Dammit, Apache !» he shouted as he swam back to the land.  
His tent resembled a swimming pool, but the dog seemed so panicked that Castiel was reluctant to scold him. He petted him instead, took his sleeping bag out to dry in the sun.  
« Cass… »  
« Coming. Gimme two minutes… »  
« Take the soft ball in the tent » Chadwick shouted.  
He threw the ball and wanted to go for a run-up. Bad luck. All the climbing up and down the bank had transformed the place into a mud pool and …  
His foot slipped…  
The other three watched as he flew up, his legs and arms shuffling into the air before he harshly landed face first on the lake surface.  
There was no sound. They were all looking at the precise spot where Castiel had « landed ». He reappeared, a bit shamefaced but when the Winchesters started to laugh real loud, he happily joined them.  
« I think I’ll wee-wee in the water » Jewel was laughing real loud.  
« It’s disgusting » Chedwick shouted, swimming away from her sister.

 

 www

 

Dean was sipping his beer, sitting on a log, facing the lake ... Although they were exhausted, the children were playing a game of cards near the fire that Castiel had lit a few minutes earlier.  
The latter came out of his tent, dressed in short pants and jean shirt with sleeves rolled up.  
« Kids, go get dressed, you’re gonna catch a cold.»  
They were still wearing their bathing suits… so was their father.  
They got up without discussion and obediently headed to their tent.

Castiel examined his sleeping bag hoping that Apache hadn’t ruined it during his panic attack.  
He then sat by Dean’s side, far enough to respect his personal space which was so precious to him, - except when he was with his kids – yet close enough to feel his warmth.  
« Thanks, Cass » Dean whispered. « It’s been ages since I had so much fun. »  
« Me too » Castiel smiled.  
Dean opened the portable cooler on his left and grabbed a beer which he put next to Castiel who was staring at the lake surface.  
The sun was slowly setting down.  
« What are you thinking about ? »  
« My father » he replied, looking down.  
« We often went camping, we used to love it, just the two of us. Moments for ourselves. » he let out a long sigh.  
« I’m sorry, Cass »  
« What would you be sorry for ? »  
« I’m sorry it ended this way with your old man. »  
« So am I »  
« I’ve asked myself many times how I would react if one of the kids told me one day they were … gay »  
« So ? »  
« Honestly, Cass… » he sipped from this own bottle and stared at the lake.  
« It’d be a surprise. After all, I must be like the majority of parents, dreaming of a wedding with a white dress, hoping to be a grand-father one day, you know, that kind of stuff.»  
« One thing doesn’t preclude the other, you know. Gay people are allowed to get married in several states and nothing prevents us from having kids » he said in a soft tone, without passing any judgement. He understood Dean’s reaction, it was only natural.  
« Yeah, I know, but it’s not the same. It’s probably due to some echo of my old-fashion education» he tried to laugh about it yet he felt uncomfortable somehow.  
« It’s just a matter of perspective »  
« I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings? » Dean sounded worried.  
« Would you banish Chadwick or Jewel if they were gay ? »  
« Are you out of your mind ? » Dean replied, feeling a little outraged.  
« They’re my kids and I love them. All I want is for them to be happy. Of course, I’d be hurt, but I’d never, do you hear me, NEVER let them down »  
« There lies all the difference. My father never forgave me for the choice I made »  
« As if there were anything to be forgiven! »  
« There was ; for him, it was a sin, the ultimate sin, the worst of them all. His son, whom he was so proud of, the son he claimed to love, was nothing but an abomination in God’s eyes and his own. »  
Dean felt the distress weighing on his friend’s shoulders.  
« Cass » he said in a faint whisper.  
« He asked me to make a choice. And I did. He threw me out of his house when I was seventeen. We never spoke again. I was visiting my mother when he was away. If it weren’t for Tessa, I would have let me drifting away »  
« Don’t get me wrong, Cass… But as far as I can tell, this man wasn’t behaving like a father. How can one deny his own flesh, his own blood ? I can’t figure it out.»  
« I don’t blame him, you know. He was a good father. »  
« A good father? He rejected you, Cass! … He threw you away like garbage. Moreover, he’ll never know what he lost. »  
Dean drank the rest of his beer.  
« But we know what we gained» he stood up and their eyes met. « C’mon. Let’s prepare supper before the children scream they’re starving»  
« The children ? » Castiel winked.  
« Okay, I’m starving too. There, happy ? »  
« Let me finish my beer. I’ll be there in a minute. Start the oven… if you still know how to do that… » he said with a big smile.  
« Bitch »  
« Assbutt »  
   
The ate in silence. The kids were exhausted and would surely go to bed soon. They actually barely touched their food.  
Less than an hour later, they were sleeping like logs.  
Castiel was cleaning the dishes in the lake when Dean joined him.  
« Care for a last beer ? »  
« I’ll join you when I’m done with this. »  
   
He sat on the trunk which had become their official bench. The sunset tainted the lake surface in shades of orange.  
« SHIT » Dean grumbled as he swapped a mosquito on his arm. « Bitch » he added flicking the dead mosquito away.  
Castiel joined him and handed him a roller.  
« Here, roll this on the places where they might attack and it’ll keep them away.»  
« I might as well roll if all over my body. These bitches love me… »  
Castiel tried not to laugh out loud.  
« Come here and admire the sunset with me. »  
Castiel sat at the proper distance, as he always did.  
They watched the dying glimmer of sunset in silence…  
Dean felt relaxed, released somehow… here with the kids… and Castiel.  
He smiled for himself and thought he’d never trade place with anyone for anything. He had his share of bad luck. His father was never there for him. His mother had died too soon. And his beloved Tessa…  
On the other hand, there had been so many happy moments : his kids, his little treasures ; his sister Jo, a gift from Heaven ; his uncle Bobby, whom he treated like a father.  
He smiled when he thought of Balty, this permanent bright light shining down on their lives. He often wondered why Castiel and Balty never considered to move in together. Balty had said they didn’t love each other; they were mad about each other, which of course was a totally different matter …  
Dean had felt uncomfortable at first when he saw them exchange tender moments, stolen kisses, hands reaching out for each other. They were reserved in public yet Dean had caught them more than once in the arms of each other. There was something touching about it. They were together yet not a couple.  
Balty had been part of their life for six years now. Dean had almost accepted anything he was by now.  
And then, there was Castiel… Almost ten years of a friendship he’d ever thought possible at first…  
He glanced at his friend ; his big blue eyes were glowing in the dying sunset.  
Who’d have thought that Dean Winchester, acknowledged macho man, would make friends with a confirmed homosexual, up to the point of living under the same roof ? For sure, life had given him great lessons of tolerance and challenging.  
« What is it ? » Castiel asked, intrigued by Dean’s silence.  
« Nothing. I just thought we’re blessed, the kids and I… »  
Castiel frowned…His head was tilting a bit, as usual, which Dean always found cute.  
« I don’t know if I’ve told you enough, but Thank You, Cass… thanks for everything. I don’t know how we’d have made it without you. »  
« I should be the one to say thanks. Thank you for making me a member of this family. Thank you for accepting me as I am. Thank you for being there for me.»  
Dean turned his head and looked at the lake.  
« Some kind of family, huh ? »  
« The best…I wouldn’t trade it for all the tea in China. »  
« Neither would I »  
They finished their beer and headed for their respective tent, with a good-night nod…

  
   
www

 

There was a scream in the middle of the night ... Castiel rushed out of his tent, with shaggy hair and a wrinkled face. The dog was standing straight in front of the Winchesters tent, growling.  
" Dean? Kids ? "  
" There's a monster," the little girl screamed.  
" Apache! " Castiel ordered the dog that rushed to the back of the tent.  
Jewel desperately hung around the neck of his father who was not that proud either. Chadwick, sitting on the ground was grumbling, with his head buried in his hands.  
"It's a raccoon, Jewel"  
"My ass! Have you seen the size of that shadow?... And how the tent started to move? I’d say it was a bear " his father replied.  
" Daddy… there are no bears around here "  
" How would you know ? "  
" Chicken! " he said, lying down again.  
« Chad…Don’t go back to sleep » his father ordered.  
« Daddy, over there !»  
Castiel, bare-chested wearing only white pajamas pants, grabbed a branch from the wood pile as an improvised weapon and walked slowly around the tent.  
« Apache, sit ! C’mon you guys and have a look at your so-called monster » Castiel shouted.

Dean joined him, frowning. Jewel was hiding behind her father, clinging tight to his shirt. Chadwick was following reluctantly as his father had ordered him not to stay behind, in case there would be a wolf or a bear looking for easy food.  
« Pa’ … »  
« Don’t you « Pa’ » me. Shit, what are we doing here. Goddammit ! »

« Gimme the torch lamp, Chad » Dean ordered.  
His son held out his flashlight.  
Standing before them, Castiel and Apache. By their side, a young stag entangled in the tensioner.  
" Ohhhhhhh " Jewel exclaimed.  
"Dean, could you please help me deliver this bloodthirsty killer? " Castiel smirked.  
"Oh, cut it out, don’t you dare…" Dean muttered.  
Jewel stepped forward.  
"No sweetie. Step back. It could hurt you with his antlers. He's scared and might hurt you unintentionally "  
" But they are so small." She noticed, willing to get closer anyhow.  
"Chad, keep your sister away from here." Dean warned, being cautious.  
Dean was trying to hold the head of the deer still as Castiel did the best he could to free the antlers stuck in the knot. The deer struggled, threatening to collapse the tent.  
"Watch out , Cass ... He's gonna tear the canvas "  
" Hey, I’m doing the best I can here, but that animal is pretty strong "  
" C’mon, move over."  
Castiel moved aside and blocked the animal. Dean freed the stag in no time. However, the animal panicked and turned around. Dean didn’t step step aside. The frightened deer rushed ahead and torn the canvas. Alerted by the noise, Apache started to bark, frightening the wild animal even more. It rushed towards Dean, knocked him down and stepped on his crotch.  
He fled into the woods, with the dog on his trail.  
" Apache ... Here ! " Castiel shouted. The dog returned at once.  
They all looked at Dean writhing in pain, one eye on the damaged canvas.  
Jewel was holding her brother by the waist. Chadwick focused the light on his father.  
« Dean ? » Castiel sounded worried, yet hesitated between laughter and concern.  
« I hate camping » Dean puffed, curled up on the ground.  
« It’s official. Deers are blood-thirsty killers » Castiel announced.  
He heard Dean starting to laugh, yet still moaning, holding his crotch with both hands.  
« Just you wait!! When I’m able to stand up, I’m gonna show you what I’m made of. »  
« I’m sure this will not a-moose us ! »  
Chadwick bursted out laughing for good. Jewel didn’t get the pun. However, as she heard them all laughing, she involuntarily added more fun to the scene when she let go of her brother and turned to her father.  
« Does it hurt, Daddy? »  
The others laughed even harder.  
Four o’clock in the morning… the woods were filled with echoes of happiness.

 

www

  
   
The next day was dedicated to hiking - and this time, Dean decided to get involved - chicken skewers, hide-and-seek games to please Jewel. These eventually ended up in a fight as the dog kept on betraying them all. There was some groaning and laughing. They ended up on the ground, rolling over and biting the dust.  
At the end of the day, they jumped in the lake. Then came the time to head back home, with some regret ...  
They dismantled the tents in silence.  
No need to insist to get the kids to sleep. By 8 p.m. they were all set for the night  
« Shall we go camping again, Daddy? » Jewel begged.  
« Would you like that, pumpkin ?» Dean said, softly stroking her cheek.  
« Oh yes ! » her tone was enthusiast.  
« We’ll see about that» forcing her to head for her bedroom.  
« C’mon, say goodnight to Cass and try to sleep now. »  
Castiel was unpacking the bags in the living room.  
« Good night, Castiel »  
« Good night, sweetie »  
« We’ll go again camping. Daddy said yes. »  
« Really ? » he looked up at Dean standing behind his daughter, one hand on her shoulder.  
« Chad, are you coming ? »  
Chadwick gave Apache a big hug and followed his father.  
« It was really great ! » he said to Castiel.  
« Yeah, it was. »  
He gave Castiel a quick kiss on the cheek as he always did. Like his father. Soon enough, he would simply nod to salute him.  
« Good night, Chad »  
« Bye, Castiel… See you tomorrow. »  
Castiel watch them leave the room, followed by Dean.

 

www

 

« One last beer ? » Dean proposed.  
« No thanks. I’m dead tired.. I‘ve got a busy day tomorrow. I really need to sleep» Castiel replied with a smile on his face.  
« ‘Nite, Cass »  
« ‘Nite, Dean »  
« You know what ? » Dean called as Castiel was leaving with his bag in his hand.  
« What ? » he turned around.  
« I enjoyed this week-end… I think we should go camping more often »  
« I think so too »  
Dean nodded and headed to the kitchen. Castiel threw his bag on his shoulder and glanced one more time at the tents on the floor.  
He remembered the face of his father. The memories… the wounds.  
He saw the soft ball in one of the bags and smiled.  
New memories… laughters…  
This was his family, far from ordinary…  
 


	4. Madame Fournier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to continue to follow this story. In the light or in the shadow.

 

« How did she dare say no ? » Dean was trying to contain his anger with the utmost difficulty in front of the kids but it was a futile attempt as his face was the perfect mirror of his emotions.  
Castiel was standing somewhat behind in silence. However, Dean could feel his sadness even if Cass was doing the best he could to hide it.

Jewel was to perform in her first dance show… One unique performance destined to the close relatives of the children.  
When Madame Fournier, standing stiff and leaning on the bamboo stick she was using to beat the rhythm while her husband was playing the piano, had asked the children to communicate the names of the parents who would attend the show, Jewel had spontaneously named her father and Castiel.  
The teacher walked to the little girl and displayed that superior attitude which Dean despised more than anything.  
« I meant a father and a mother » she mocked in a low voice.  
Jewel’s response came very naturally.  
« My mom is in Heaven… »  
Madame Fournier had frozen, her clumsiness making her feel suddenly very uncomfortable. She had forgotten that her father had notified it when he had registered his daughter to the dance class.

Dean hated Madame Fournier, he always kept his distance and displayed a minimum polite behavior towards her, which was not the case for Castiel, who showed a warmer attitude at all times.  
« Dean…All the dance teachers show that kind of attitude, it’s part of the legend »  
« I don’t give a damn, I don’t like her. She’s giving me nettle rash and I just can’t stand this hoity-toity attitude of hers. »  
On the contrary, Jewel liked her a lot and besides, Madame Fournier had the reputation to be an excellent teacher.  
Jewel had been lost in admiration at her… until that particular day…

« I’m sorry, my dear, but I can’t allow your… » She was searching for the proper word to use, her eyes half-closed.  
« Castiel » Jewel smiled, arranging her white tutu.  
« Yes, I know who he is, Jewel, thank you. »  
The little girl lowered her eyes for a few seconds and stared back up.  
« Why can’t he come ? »  
« Because he isn’t a member of your family. »  
Jewel didn’t understand.  
« But he is!» She sounded somewhat offended.  
« No, Jewel…Your daddy can come as well as your brother or your aunt, but I can’t accept that each parent invites a friend. This is supposed to be a family event; I’m afraid the place isn’t big enough to welcome everyone. »  
Jewel felt lost, all of a sudden... She considered Castiel as a member of the family, she had know him since she was born, he was part of her life.  
It hurt when she heard he wouldn’t be invited because they considered he was not a relative. She didn’t understand why her teacher was denying him the right to come.  
« But I want him to attend! » She was about to cry.  
« No, Jewel… And stand up straight. Stop whining, you’re a big girl now … » Madame Fournier’s tone was as cold as ice.  
Jewel listened as her school mates listed their father, mother and step parents’ names.  
Marissa was inviting her new dad; why wasn’t she allowed to invite Castiel? The six-year-old little girl was unable to comprehend why her father and her brother would be there and not him.

The lesson ended. Jewel didn’t say another word and refused to answer her friends’ questions, they were all so excited to perform in front of their families.  
Castiel came to pick her up. She was still wearing her white tutu and her dancing shoes. When she saw him, she ran towards him and grabbed his legs in a tight hug.  
« Wow, sweetie, what’s the matter? » he asked as he kneeled down in front of her.  
He pushed her away to face her and wiped the tears from her cheeks.  
« Tell me what’s wrong? »  
« She doesn’t want you to come. She said you’re not my family. It’s not true. »  
There was so much distress in her eyes that it broke Castiel’s heart.  
« What are you talking about, sweetie? »  
« The dance festival. »  
« So what ?» he smiled, gently wiping on as more tears ran down her cheeks.  
« She said Daddy and Chadwick and Jo can come but not you. But I don’t want that. I don’t want you to be away. »  
« I can’t come? » Castiel whispered, in a blank tone.  
Jewel shook her head and went on crying, hugging Castiel even harder.  
« Now, c’mon, sweetie. Let’s go talk to Madame Fournier, shall we? » He tried to keep his voice extremely low to calm down Jewel while he felt the pain crawling into his own heart.  
He felt her nod and stood up, carrying her as she wouldn’t let go of her grip.

The professor was standing next to the piano and speaking with a mother whom Castiel has seen sometimes. He wasn’t exchanging a lot with other parents, only with Megan, the mother of Marissa, one of Jewel’s friends.  
As a matter of fact, Castiel wasn’t that uncommunicating, but he never took the time to get to know people very well. Chadwick was waiting for him to pick him up too.  
Marissa was staying over on regular occasions. Megan knew about Castiel lifestyle. Jewel wasn’t hiding that her Castiel loved Balty. There was nothing wrong from her point of view, she’d always known them living this kind of relationship. She was only seeing the bond between them and not the fact that they were both men.  
« Balty ? » Megan had questioned her daughter as she was putting her coat on at the end of the first afternoon at their place.  
« Yes, he is Castiel’s lover. He is very funny. Right, Castiel ? » she added as she looked at him. He shuffled through her hair and smiled. He felt a bit uncomfortable as he didn’t know how she would react. Children were displaying such frankness, such innocence. He wished that grown-ups would sometimes display a similar attitude; everything would then be so much easier for him.  
She had looked at him and smiled. There was nothing more to say.  
   
The mother finally left and Castiel walked closer to the dance teacher.  
« Hello. »  
Madame Fournier nodded without a word. Standing tall, stiff neck, leaning on her cane. Castiel couldn’t help finding something fascinating about her, like she was a vivid portrait of a typical ballet dancer.  
« Jewel told me that I couldn’t attend the dance festival next Sunday. Is that correct? » He was trying to be polite but somehow there was a trace of anger in his voice.  
« As I explained to her, the show is reserved for family members only. I’m sorry but we don’t have enough space to let everyone in. If I make an exception for you, I will have to make it for anyone else and it’s just not possible. I’m really sorry» she added with pinched lips.  
« But… I’ve known her since she was born, I’ve been taking care of her since then, I… »  
« I know that, Mister Novak » she interrupted him, insisting on his name as if to underline the lack of official family ties between him and Jewel.  
« I’m aware this must be hard for you but try to understand me. The same rules apply for everyone. I’m sorry. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another lesson now. »  
She saluted him and walked away. Castiel felt heartbroken and instinctively tightened his embrace around Jewel’s shoulders.  
« C’mon, sweetie, let’s go. Let’s not keep Chadwick waiting for too long. »  
The little girl didn’t say a word. She didn’t let go of Castiel’s grip either.

  
   
www

  
   
Chadwick had been waiting for them in front of the sports center for a while. When he saw Castiel’s Ford pull over and the driver’s door open, he was about to say he’d been kept waiting for half an hour in the draft when he saw his sister sitting in the passenger seat. Her eyes were red, obviously from crying and Castiel’s face was rather pale.  
« Sorry I’m late, Chad» His voice was blank.  
« That’s all right. Justin stayed with me. He just left with his mother» Chadwick was lying of course.  
« Get in the back seat, will you ? » Castiel asked.  
« Ok » the young boy complied without arguing.  
« What happened? » He asked several minutes later, breaking the long silence, crossing Castiel’s eyes in the rearview mirror.  
« Nothing… »  
They drove the rest of the way home in silence…Jewel’s head was leaning against the window…Castiel was holding the wheel real tight…  
   
Apache welcomed them with a lot of licking and yapping. Castiel walked straight to the kitchen with Jewel on his tail.  
Chadwick stroked the dog as he was looking at them.  
Dean was preparing a pasta meal and Castiel stopped short. He wasn’t supposed to be home yet.  
« Surprise ! » Dean claimed with the beginning of a smile.  
He stopped smiling when he saw his daughter’s eyes filled with tears.  
« Hey, what happened, my angel? »  
She suddenly rushed into her father’s arms.  
Dean looked at Castiel.  
« Cass ? »  
Castiel frowned as he saw the same distress in his friend’s eyes as in the little girl’s.  
« Are you gonna tell me what the hell happened or what? » Dean was worried as he put his hands on his little girl’s cheeks.  
Chadwick joined them, followed by Apache…He pulled out a chair and sat down, grabbed an apple from the fruit basket at the center of the kitchen table.

For a short while, the only sound filling the room was Jewel’s snorting.  
« It seems my presence is inappropriate to the dance festival next Sunday » Castiel said bluntly as he opened the fridge.  
« Why is that? » Dean was surprised.  
« I’m not… »  
He grabbed a soda.  
« Only family members are allowed to attend » he closed the fridge door and remained with his back to the others.  
« But you are a family member, Cass... Who said otherwise, goddamit? » Dean was really pissed. « Can’t this bitch make an exception? »  
« Dean ! » Castiel shouted as he turned around and looked at the kids.  
He hated when Dean was swearing in front of them.  
« She said she can’t. »  
« What does she mean « she can’t » ? »  
« I’m not a member of your family, Dean. She’s right» Castiel replied in a voice broken with emotion.  
« But of course you are… »  
« I am, in your eyes, but… » he sighed. « Don’t worry. We’re not going to ruin any of it. The little one has been waiting for this for so long. You will record it on tape and we’ll watch it later in the evening, with pizza for everyone, OK?»  
He was about to leave the room yet Dean went on.  
« If she refuses that you attend the festival, nobody will. As of tomorrow, I’ll look for another dance class for Jewel. Who does she think she is…that bitch ? She perfectly knows how much you mean to us. »  
« Dean…never mind…please…Jewel has many friends there… Madame Fournier is an excellent professor…We’ll watch the tape in the evening and Jewel will explain the dance steps… right sweetie? »  
She wiped the tears from her eyes and smiled.  
« That’s better. »  
He gave Dean a reassuring glance and left the room.

Dean was furious. However, when he looked at Jewel, still wearing her tutu, holding tight her dancing shoes, he felt Castiel was right somehow, even if he also knew that he had never been so profoundly hurt than today. He never had to face that kind of situation. Of course, Castiel wasn’t an official relative. Dean sighed, shuffling through his hair.  
He suddenly felt Chadwick’s eyes staring at him.  
« Kids, we need to talk. Jewel, go and sit next to your brother, please.»

  
   
www

 

Jewel had to attend a rehearsal on Friday. Castiel refused to let Dean take her as he feared he would make a scandal. He would surely have, as his anger had been building up for a whole week.  
Castiel waited for Megan before stepping out of the car and entrusted Jewel to her.  
« Aren’t you coming up? »  
« No, Meg. I’m … late. »  
He kissed Jewel goodbye and turned to Meg again.  
« Would you mind driving her home after the rehearsal? I… I don’t want to lie to her ».  
« Sure. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of her. »  
« Thanks. » Castiel put his hand on Jewel’s head.  
« Watch out for my bun ! »  
« Oh sorry» He withdrew his hand.  
He raised his eyes and read the plaque on the door:  
« Madame Fournier…ballet lessons…age 5 to 12 »  
He felt a twinge of sadness.  
« I gotta go » He kissed Jewel and said goodbye to Megan.  
She knew Castiel well enough to know something was bothering him. His eyes were speaking for him. And what she saw in there was sadness.  
« C’mon girls. You don’t want to be late, do you ? »  
Each girl grabbed Megan by a hand and went upstairs as Castiel’s eyes followed them… There was a smile on Jewel’s face again.  
The one on Castiel’s had vanished.

He drove home, went to his room and tried to focus on a pending project, but he couldn’t concentrate.  
They would all be gone on Sunday and he would be alone.  
He had thought of calling Balty but his friend was busy all week-end.  
« I’m gonna visit a widow who’s done grieving : she’ got a splendid villa with a heated swimming pool. I love to make love in lukewarm water» he laughed when Castiel had called him.  
He had heard Dean come home with Chadwick and Apache.  
He had heard Jewel’s laughter and Marissa.  
And then nothing but silence for several minutes.  
« Castiel! …Castiel! » Jewel shouted as she knocked on the door, making him startle.  
Nobody was allowed in his appartment without permission, not that he had many visitors anyway.  
Dean had made it clear and it had become a rule in the house. Castiel was home up there: it was his apartment, his private life.  
Castiel treasured his intimacy as he was spending most of his time with Dean and the kids.  
He had all he needed: a loft bed, a living room with an office area and a small kitchen, a bathroom and a tiny terrace. That’s all what meant for him. It was home. Even if home actually meant the whole house and all its occupants in his mind.  
« Castiel ! » Jewel knocked and shouted some more.  
« Come in »  
She opened the door, yet let her head in only ; all he could see were those big eyes.  
« Dad said you need to come down right now. »  
He glanced at his watch.  
« It’s not dinner time yet. »  
« No…he said you must come down, he said it was … » she was looking for the word her father had used. « Urgent » she finally said with a smile  
« I’ll join you in five minutes »  
« All right » she closed the door and ran down the stairs.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean was waiting in the living room. Jo was there. Chadwick was sitting on the couch, absent-mindedly petting Apache. Jewel was squatting next to the coffee table and playing with her coloring books.  
Castiel remained still for a moment. Jo walked towards him and hugged him. But it didn’t make him feel more comfortable.  
Dean seemed nervous. He was standing next to the chimney, with a bottle of beer in his hand.  
« What is this supposed to be, a Board of Guardians? » he said, attempting some humor. No one reacted.  
« Sit down, Cass, we need to talk. »  
Castiel frowned when he heard to word « talk ». He didn’t like the sound of it in Dean’s mouth.  
« Cass…please… this is important… Come and sit down.»  
He finally sat down and looked at Jo who hadn’t said a word.  
As soon as he sat in the armchair, Jewel gave up her pencils and books and climbed on his lap.  
« OK, I’ll get straight to the point. I’ve already discussed this with Jo and Uncle Bobby and they all agreed to this. » Dean sounded nervous at first.  
« Agreed to what ? » Castiel asked while gently pushing Jewel so she would sit next to him.  
« Please let me finish, will you ? So, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking after the dance lesson episode… »  
« Dean » Castiel let out a big sigh.  
« Don’t get on your high horse, ok ? This had nothing to do and please, let me finish. It’s already complicated enough as it is and I sure don’t need you to interfere as always.» Dean was a bit irritated.  
Castiel sunk into the armchair.  
« So, as I said before, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and this dance lesson episode brought me to talk to the kids about it all. »  
Castiel frowned…Dean took a deep breath before going on.  
« Cass...Would you accept to become their surrogate guardian ?»  
« I beg your pardon? » Castiel seemed to shrink a little on his seat.  
« If something happens to me… you know ? I’d like you to have custody of the kids » he said, staring at the floor.  
Castiel didn’t reply.  
« I know I ask a lot from you. We’ve known each other for about 10 years. You’re more than my best friend, you’ve known the kids since always and they love you. »  
He paused for a little while: words were not his strongest point, especially on an occasion like this one.  
« Don’t feel obliged to accept. I’d understand if you refused. It’s a huge responsibility. »

Dean turned his bottle in his hands, feeling uncomfortable, almost embarrassed but most of all anxious about Castiel possible refusal ... They had never tackled the subject ... Tessa 's death had occurred quite recently yet Dean had thought about it for a long time.  
He had discussed the issue with Jo beforehand, because he suspected that she might have found it hard to accept his choice; after all she was family and logically the custody should have been entrusted to her. Nevertheless, she surprisingly found Dean’s choice wiser. She loved her niece and nephew a lot but she felt she would be unable to take care of their education ... Castiel had seen them grow and he had been raisingthem for almost two years ...  
There was no denying the obvious ... The children loved Castiel ... For them, he was more than a friend ... he was like a second father.  
   
Dean had talked to them after the Fournier incident. He was waiting for the proper moment and thought that moment had come. For more than one reason.  
If Jewel didn’t understand at once what the word « surrogate guardian » meant, Chadwick got it right away.  
He remained silent for a while.  
Dean let the thought slowly crawl into their minds, talk to each other, with their children words.  
Of course, he had reassured them he had no intention of dying soon, but since their mother’s death, he had said he wanted to plan ahead, as no one knew what life had in stock for them.

On the evening the next day, Castiel left after supper and Chadwick remained with his father, to help him cleaning the kitchen.  
After a long silence disturbed by the clinging of the dishes, Chadwick asked his father  
« Dad, are you going to die? » he asked, putting a plate on the table, and avoiding his father’s look.  
« What are you talking about? Of course not. As a matter of fact, I’ll die when I’m old and grouchy. But not now. »  
Chadwick didn’t reply.  
« Do you think I’ve said what I said yesterday because I’m going to die? »  
« Yeah, a little » Chadwick whispered.  
Dean dried his hands and forced his son to look him in the eyes.  
« I don’t’ intent to die before I’ve seen you and your sister getting married and I’ve become a grand-father. But you know as well as I do that life is not always what we expect it to be. »  
Chadwick looked down.  
« Should anything happen to me, I want someone to take care of you. And I would like that someone to be Castiel. Do you understand what I mean, son? »  
« Yes, Dad »  
« What do you think about it? »  
« Jewel and I, we are ok with it. »  
« Wouldn’t you prefer Jo or Uncle Bobby, because they are OK with this too, you know ! »  
« No… We want Castiel. »  
Dean put a hand on his son’s cheek.  
« All right. Let’s talk to him. »  
« OK, but promise me you’re not going to die » his son was now begging.  
« I promise I’ll live as long as I can and I’ll turn your life into a nightmare, is this ok for you ? » He stated with a smile.  
« ‘Love you, Dad »  
Chadwick threw himself in his father’s arms. They remained in each other’s embrace for a long while. Dean was gently stroking his son’s hair, and sort of cradling him. His son… his flesh… his blood !

  
   
www

  
   
Castiel was leaning forward, his arms resting on his knees. Jewel observed him, intrigued. Chadwick stared a desperate look at Jo.  
« Cass ? » Dean put down his beer on the table and walked towards him.  
« They will never agree to that »  
« What are you talking about ? The kids love you. It’s their choice. »  
« I mean others will never agree that a homosexual take care of two kids who are not his own» he replied with a voice broken with emotion.  
«Cass… Don’t worry about this. I called Sammy, that lawyer friend of mine, remember ? He took care of everything after Tessa passed away.»  
Castiel refused to look up. He felt Jewel’s little hand grab his. I squeezed it too.  
« Cass… He said that it wouldn’t be a problem in this state. All he’s waiting for right now is your green light. We already told him we all agreed here. »  
« Dean… »  
Dean kneeled in front of Castiel.  
« What do you think ? »  
« How can you make me such a proposal? You know how much I care for you all.»  
« I know that, Cass. That’s why I want you to take care of my kids if anything happens to me.»  
« Nothing will happen to you. There’s no way anything will happen to you » he replied, his voice shaking.  
« True ! After all, I’m Batman » Dean said in a mocking tone.  
Castiel started to smile.  
« Bloody idiot.»  
« Thanks… in your mouth, sounds like a compliment »  
He patted Castiel’s knee.  
« So, what do you think ? »  
He looked up, his eyes were shining with tears.  
« Hey, don’t you blubber on me now ! My kids are not that bad, right?»  
« Your kids are adorable. They inherited that from you know who.» he replied as blue eyes stared into green ones.  
« You have a share of responsibility, Cass. Don’t you ever forget it.»  
Castiel wiped the very first tears away before they ran down his cheeks.  
« If the kids agreed to this, you can tell Sam that I agree too.»  
« Great ! Thanks, Cass. Thanks for everything. Dammit, I thank God who put you on my path, ya know ? You’re the best thing that happened to me after Tessa and the kids.»  
« Dean, stop it. You don’t believe in God anymore than I do.»  
« Wrong. I am God. » Dean was laughing.  
« So you’re gonna say yes ?» Chadwick asked as he stood up.  
« Yes. I agree if you’ll have me. »  
Chadwick came closer, Dean stood up as Castiel was looking at him.  
« Are you gonna be our second dad? » Jewel asked with innocence.  
« No, Sweetie, you only have one dad. I’ll be… » he couldn’t find a suitable term.  
« Like an uncle » Chadwick said as he looked at his sister and then at Castiel.  
« Like an uncle, right » Castiel repeated as his eyes went from one kid to the other.  
« But we already have one » Jewel snapped back, as she thought of Bobby. She started to pout.  
« How does it sound I remain Castiel, no more no less ? » he said pointing his finger on her nose.  
« Great! » she smiled.  
She turned to her brother who seemed to fully agree with that.

Dean grabbed his beer and granted a furtive look at this sister. She was smiling at him.  
He had always known that he would choose Castiel, from the day of Tessa’s funeral. Yet he had decided to wait a while until the kids were older and able to comprehend what was involved. Jewel’s reaction after Madame Fournier’s decision had only been the catalyst. He had had a hard time to admit that he had been scared of what was to come. First, when he called Sam, fearing that he would tell him it was impossible because there was no blood connection between Castiel and the kids, as Jo had, but most of all, he was afraid of the moral prejudice more than anything. He was afraid that he would be denied the right to pick up a gay person to take care of his family, despite the fact that this person had been part of their life for 10 years or so.  
Sam had cleared his doubts.  
The next fear had been to hear Castiel refuse the task, despite his obvious bond with the children. Dean was their father; yet would Castiel be able to raise them by himself ?  
He wasn’t at ease with words and had no idea how to talk about this subject with Castiel. As a matter of fact, he was lying to himself, he knew perfectly well that Castiel would agree to it. He was scared and unable to understand why.  
He was relieved now, because of his kids’ reaction… and his friend’s.

Monday morning, he would launch the procedure. Sam had told him it would take some time. But Dean had made up his mind. They all had made up their minds.  
Together, as a family.  
He took a sip of his beer, mentally giving a toast to Madame Fournier.

  
   
www

  
   
The dance festival took place the following day. Dean looked daggers at Madame Fournier and didn’t speak to her at all. She was keeping her distance too. Besides, she had to take care of something else than the bruised feelings of a bad-tempered father.

Jewel’s part was taking place at the beginning of the show. Jo was filming while Chadwick was staring at a young dancer waiting for her turn, practicing her points, concentrating on her next performance.  
They eyes finally met and she smiled. He started to blush and looked away.  
His father had noticed their little eye-game and looked at the young girl who was probably the same age as his son. He found her pretty.  
He winked at Chadwick with a smile and concentrated again on Jewel’s performance.  
At the end of the show, all the ballets students came to bow in front of the audience. Jewel ran towards Jo.  
« How was it ? Did you like it ? » she asked, addressing to the camera.  
Dean felt a big wave of tenderness fill his heart and he started to smile. The little girl believed Castiel had seen her dance and that he could see her right now; he couldn’t tell her she was wrong.  
She turned to her father.  
« You were wonderful, pumpkin. »  
« I made a mistake » she confessed, looking down to the ground.  
« You were perfect » Dean lowered to her and put a hand on her cheek.  
« It’s true, you were great, honey » Jo said as she turned off the camera.  
« Hello. »  
Dean raised his eyes. Megan and John, her husband, were standing in front of them, as well as Marissa.  
« Hi, Meg »  
« We are going to get a coffee next door. You’re welcome to join us.»  
Dean stood up.  
« Thanks, but we gotta go home »  
« Castiel is waiting for us » Jo went on.  
« Why don’t you ask him to join us ? »  
« That’s a good idea, Dean. I’m sure he would accept. Should be nice. It’s a beautiful day… Let’s sit at a terrace, among friends and have a drink. » Jo insisted.  
Dean turned to the kids and saw Jewel in intense conversation with Marissa…  
« Chad ? »  
« I’d love a strawberry milkshake »  
« Let’s order a strawberry milkshake » Dean was all smiles.  
« Let’s do this then »  
Dean walked a short distance from them and called Castiel. Meanwhile, he saw Megan and Jewel laughing together.  
He came back soon after.  
« He’ll meet us there. In the meantime the girls can change and it will be… » He hardly had time to finish his sentence when Jewel interrupted him  
« Please Dad, can I keep it on?» she begged, her hands straightening her tutu.  
Marissa joined her. He let out a sigh.  
« All right »  
« Go and say goodbye to your teacher, we’ll be waiting here» Megan said.  
« Yeah, right, go and say goodbye to Bun-Head Cerberus » Dean was grinding his teeth.

  
   
www

  
   
And so Castiel joined them. He sat next to Dean who had reserved a seat for him without even being aware of it, pushing John away as he tried to pull out the chair for himself. Jewel couldn’t help showing Castiel she was still wearing her tutu.  
« Dad sad that I could keep it on »  
« Who ever said I was the one giving in to all their whims, huh ? »  
« She was so excited after the performance. It’s just a tutu. It’s not as if she asked me to drive my car. »  
« How was the show ? » he asked, looking down.  
« It was great. Jo recorded the whole thing, so you won’t miss any of it.» he smiled with a gentle pat on the arm.  
John watched them all afternoon, until the daylight started to fade.  
They laughed, they talked, they exchanged a few serious ideas.  
Chadwick took his PSP and played a few games with John. Neither Dean nor Castiel knew how to play well… John did.  
Jewel and Marissa performed their sequence for the clients of the café and everyone applauded, attracting other parents’ attention in the process. They all smiled and joined the ovation.  
« Thanks. I’ve had a great time with you guys » Dean said when it was finally time to leave.  
« So have we. We should do this more often » John acknowledged.

When she looked at the Impala driving away, followed by the Ford, Megan couldn’t help but thinking that this family was everything but ordinary.

 

End chapter IV  
  


	5. The shopping mall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading me... in the shade or in the light

 

Dean parked the Impala and sighed…He glanced at Castiel, in the passenger seat.  
The parking was full. He grumbled.  
They had decided to go all together to the shopping mall which had opened two months before, just outside of town. The kids were growing fast and they needed new clothes. Dean’s clothes were more than worn-out after a thousand trips to the washing machine. Castiel didn’t need anything but Dean had begged him to come along after Jo declined to tag along.  
Shopping together wasn’t really a family business. Sometimes, on rare occasions, they were filling the caddie together. Not that Dean didn’t want to shop with Castiel or the other way around; one was simply taking advantage of the opportunity to take care of other tasks, laundry, dish-washing or cleaning the house, without the kids hopping around in the house. It had become a habit and no one had ever complained about it.  
In almost two years, it was the third time they were going out to a shopping center all together. On normal occasions, Castiel was in charge of buying clothes for the children as Dean this kind of places and the crowds all in all.

This time it was a little different…  
This mall was really huge and Dean was curious to visit it. Besides the kids had been a real pain in the neck and begged him to join. This time, he thought they would be pleased to have him around.  
Apache watched them leave and settled at his place, with his head resting on the rim of his basket. He was free for a few hours.  
Suddenly, Dean started to envy him.

 

www

  
   
The entrance was a pretence of a Pantheon. So kitschy! But the kids were in awe in front of the gigantic pasteboard in front of them.  
« It’s so ugly » Dean was staring at the fake marble columns.  
It was a five-level construction and each level offered shops of all kinds, several restaurants as well as a movie theater.  
A three-meter high statue of Caesar was greeting the guests at the entrance. Dean grumbled, unable to comprehend how so much money could be invested in such horrors.  
« Okay, kids, if we get separated, the meeting point will be this huge… I got no word for it» he said without finishing his sentence, nodding his incomprehension.  
« It’s not even worth of an Italian swords-and-sandals B-movie» he added holding his nose.  
« Let’s stick together, so we won’t lose one another. So, no window-shopping without warning the others, is that clear ? »  
« Yes, Daddy» Chadwick and Jewel… and Castiel answered in unison.  
« Stop fucking over me, will ya ? » Dean said to Castiel, with a mix of anger and smile in his eyes.  
Jewel grabbed Castiel’s hand. Chadwick walked alongside his father who casually put his hand on his shoulder. His son tried to walk away but Dean smiled as he ruffled through his hair. He eventually let his father go on, struggling for the sake of it.

They first chose to tour the ground floor ... just to have a look around and marvel at the unlimited and often outrageous imagination of each store owner to attract customers ... Shop windows were showing off, adopting the same common theme, the Ancient Rome. Jewel ran from one shop window to another, followed by Castiel, carefully watching over her.  
Chadwick was pointing at trendy shops ... They went on in a noisy atmosphere, a mixture of very loud background music and endless hubbub.  
They had arrived at the mall less than fifteen minutes ago and already, all Dean wanted was to turn around and run away like hell.

They eventually entered a clothes store where the whole family would find what they needed. Dean went to one side with Chadwick, to the men department while Castiel, pulled away by the arm by Jewel, found himself in the girls section.  
They agreed on gathering at the fitting rooms half an hour later.  
Dean and Chadwick had been waiting for almost 15 minutes when Castiel finally arrived, with a lot of stuff in his arms, Jewel tagging along.  
" Finally ... It's about time!"  
"Next time, I’ll take care of Chad and you take care of the little one" Castiel replied, throwing the pile of clothes on a chair.  
"OK, let’s go" Dean searched the pile of clothes for him and Chadwick, and pulled out a faded Jean and a black turtleneck sweater.  
"Here " He handed them to Castiel.  
" For me ? " The latter wondered  
"No, it’s for the Pope " Dean sighed, raising his eyes to heaven.  
" What’s the occasion ? "  
"Let’s say you’ll discuss this with the kids ..."  
" I beg your pardon? " He was a bit skeptical.  
"It was their idea ..."  
"Their idea? But why ? " he raised an eyebrow.  
"Because you always buy lots of stuff for us and you never buy anything for you," Chadwick replied selecting his clothes.  
"Of course, I do" Castiel answered, lowering his voice, touched by the kids’ attention.  
" You’re always wearing the same clothes " Chadwick insisted .  
"It's not true," Castiel pouted  
"Hey, what about me? " Jewel claimed, pulling his sleeve.  
"What is it, my angel ? "  
"Can I try mine on? "  
"Come here " He took the clothes one by one and put them on his arm and grabbed Jewel with his free hand.  
"Dean ... You wait here "  
"I don’t have much of a choice, do I?" crossing his arms on his chest and standing in front of his own pile of garments.

  
   
www

 

Ten minutes later, Chadwick came out … Dean straightened, amazed by the transformation of his son. He felt so proud and couldn’t take his eyes of him. He was tall and well-built for a boy his age.  
He had put on a black jean and a blue t-shirt with an eagle flying all over his left shoulder.  
Chadwick looked at his father who raised a thumb showing his appreciation…  
« Castiel…come and have a look »  
Dean smiled: his kids always needed Castiel’s approval even if they always asked their father first.  
Castiel came out from his own changing room and gave Chadwick a nod of approval.  
« Wow…Classy ! » the boy claimed when he saw Castiel, dressed in a skin-tight jean and a black sweater that brought out the color of his eyes.  
Dean noticed that all women around were observing Castiel with a lot of attention. He smiled. If only they knew...  
« It’s too tight » Castiel complained as he tried to kneel.  
« It’ll soften, Cass… Don’t worry… » Dean reassured him, unable to take his eyes off him.  
« I think you’re very handsome » a little voice said in his back.  
Jewel came closer and Dean felt his heart sink... the little girl was her mother’s spitting image… She had the exact same smile on her face.  
« You are gorgeous, sweetie » he said as he walked to her.  
He felt Castiel’s eyes following him… They probably had thought of the same thing at the same time.  
« Now, your turn, Dad » Chadwick said happily.  
« Go ahead first, I’ll wait until you’re done. »  
« I still have a lot of dresses to try on » Jewel said.  
« I know, babe, but remember, I said you can only take two. You’re gonna have to choose »  
« But Castiel… »  
« 2, Jewel »  
« All right, but you’re not nice.» she pouted, heading back to the fitting room.  
Chadwick came out, his father took his place.

« You look great » Chadwick said with a bit of admiration when his father came out.  
« Really? Don’t you think I look a bit too young in this outfit? »  
« Castiel! » Chadwick shouted.  
« Yeah… What? » he asked, showing only his head through the curtain.  
The first thing he saw was Dean’s butt in a black jean with a parachute patch on the back pocket.  
« From what I can see from here, he really looks good » he said with a wry smile.  
« Take your eyes off my ass, ok?» Dean snapped as he turned around.  
Castiel straightened up, came out of the fitting room as he buttoned his shirt.  
Besides the black jean, Dean was wearing a gray marl sweater.  
« It’s perfect. » Castiel went on in a neutral tone.  
« Dont’ you think… gray marl… makes me look a bit boyish ? »  
« Dean » Castiel let out a long sigh.  
« You’re not even 35… You’re not that old. »  
All of a sudden, Dean felt everyone was looking at him. He glanced at the queue in front of the cash desks… He saw the smiles… the pokes…  
He was about to retort to Castiel when Jewel made an entrance…  
She was wearing navy blue three-quarter-length pants and a “Hello Kitty” t-shirt.  
« Can I take this one ? »  
« It’s very pretty » Dean said, leaning towards her.  
« Castiel… Can I take the Disney t-shirt too? »  
« You gotta ask your dad, sweetie. »  
« Daaaaaaad… » Jewel was now begging.  
« Are you sure ? Because the shop is pretty big. You can’t take everything you like, you know that. »  
« Yes, I know. Castiel told me. There is a buget… »  
« A budget » Dean corrected. « OK… take it »  
« Thaaaaanks » she shouted as she ran back in the fitting room.  
« And I’m supposed to be the one giving in to their whims » Castiel whispered as he tucked his shirt in.  
« Could you get dressed before coming out ?» Dean snapped, staring wide-eyed.  
« Get dressed yourself before giving me lessons…People are waiting »  
« SIR, YES, SIR! » he saluted.  
« Who’s paying for this ? » Dean asked to Castiel.  
« Let’s pay in turn : we’ll do the accounts when we’re back home. »  
« Good idea… I don’t want to start playing with the pocket calculator in here… my head is spinning already » he said as he gave his credit card to the cashier.  
Castiel handed the bags to the kids and they all went out of the shop, followed by the amused smiles of several clients.

  
   
www

  
   
The hot dog cart…  
« I’m starving…Who wants a hot dog ? » Dean was all smiles. « Don’t answer me all at once ! » he added, a bit dismayed.  
« I want an ice cream » Jewel shouted as she was holding Castiel’s hand and swinging his arm.  
« Me too, Dad. »  
« Meet my unworthy son! » he said as he handed a bill to the hot dog seller.  
Dean swallowed his hot dog in three bites, with his eyes closed… When he opened them again, he saw three pairs of eyes staring at him, with baffled expressions on their faces.  
« What are you staring at ? I was really starving. » he spluttered.  
« I can see that… I’d appreciate if you could stop sharing your meal with me.» Castiel mumbled as he brushed away a piece of bread from his shirt.  
« Jeez, Dad, you’re a champion. » Chadwick laughed.  
   
They decided the visit the place from top to bottom for a change. .. From the fifth floor to the second, it seemed more logical to them... They took one of the four transparent elevators that were tirelessly carrying customers up and down between the floors.  
« We would go faster if we took the escalators. » Dean was grouching in front of the small crowd gathered by the elevators doors.  
« I wanna go in there, Daddy » Jewel claimed as she pointed to the glass elevator going up.  
Dean glanced at his watch and took a deep breath…  
The torture was just beginning.

  
   
www

  
   
On the fifth floor, they stopped at a video store… Chadwick wanted to buy the latest version of « Call of Duty ».  
Several games were available to be tested, among which a dance mat game ... Jewel wanted to drag Castiel who refused to go there ... Chadwick was discussing with the seller, she came and pull the pants of his father.  
"Dad ... come play with me ? "  
"Huh? " he paused the conversation.  
“Come" pulling on his hand.  
"Chad ... I'm at the other end of the store with your sister ... let me know when you FINALLY make up your mind."  
"Okay Pa ' " he answered absent-mindedly without paying attention to him at all.

Dean ended up in front of a mat facing a giant screen.  
" What is THIS? " he felt trapped.  
Jewel stood beside him.  
"You have to put your feet on the squares that make a light."  
"No way. " he replied, stepping backwards .  
"C’mon Dean ... Let’s please her ... Only one game" Castiel teased.  
He leaned forward.  
"It's crowded in here ... There's no way I’m gonna be seen hopping like an idiot in front of all these pimply prepubescent geeks."  
" You'll be seen as a father who wants to please his daughter "  
" Goddammit, Cass, go to hell, you and your fucking arguments"  
" Watch your mouth ... It's full of kids in here ".  
"Shit, Cass”  
"Go ahead, Daddy " Jewel begged.  
"You 're going to pay for this" he said to Castiel as he joined his daughter.  
Castiel held Dean and Jewel’s bags… The little girl started the game.

Michael Jackson resonated in the room and the lights began to flash on the floor.  
Jewel had no problem keeping up with the rhythm right from the start ... Dean was mistaken every other step. He swore to himself each time there was a BIIIIIIIIIP when he made a mistake, it made him silently swear to himself.  
The rhythm speeded up as well as Dean’s mistakes ... Jewel was laughing at Dean as he got muddled up even more ... and then Castiel started to laugh as well.  
Attracted by the noise, Chadwick joined them.  
"Go Pa ... You're don’t wanna be outraced by a girl, right? " he started to laugh too.  
People flocked around the game ... The sweat on Dean’s forehead, because of the spot lights and his irritation, had turned the whole scene into an even more hilarious situation ...  
The song ended on the landslide victory of Jewel.  
"This game is ridiculous ".  
"You never had a sense of rhythm" Castiel laughed out loud.  
"Never had a sense of rhythm, huh?” Dean smirked as he turned to Castiel.  
"Come here, Buddy."  
"Me ! " Castiel panicked and stepped backwards .  
Chadwick and Jewel grabbed his arms and pushed him towards the mat.  
"I do not know to dance" he wanted to flee but Dean grabbed him by the shirt.  
"No way I'm the only one to make a fool of himself in here."  
The small crowd encouraged Castiel; he eventually gave in, head down.  
Chadwick reached out for his mobile and started to film the whole scene.

Jewel approached and pushed the start button, Dean and Castiel trying in vain to keep up.  
The Bee Gees ...  
"They should upgrade their hit list" Castiel balked.  
Neither proved to be a good dancer ... It actually became a contest to determine who’d miss the most dancing figures ... the BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP echoed in perfect communion ... .The children was laughing their heart out, the audience was amused by these two adults trying somehow to keep up with the rhythm they had lost from the first notes ...  
In the end, Castiel won with ... 15%  
"This game is ridiculous," Dean repeated.  
"I won" Castiel smiled.  
"You want a revenge? "Dean tossed.  
"Why don’t you let the others try it too, you faggots!" once masculine voice said.  
Dean's face decomposed. Chadwick turned around, Castiel saw him searching for the anonymous molester in the crowd.  
The crowd eventually dispersed ... Dean searched in vain for the one who’d insulted them... But he was gone.  
"Not even the balls to show his face" he growled.  
"Come on, Dean ... It doesn’t matter ... Let’s not spoil the afternoon for so little” Castiel smiled.  
"You're right ... Let’s go, kids ... We still have 3 floors to visit ..."  
Castiel paid for Chadwick’s game ... .The children marvel at everything on the rest of the floor ... Dean didn’t say another word, Castiel stood a little aside.  
The afternoon went by, Dean’s enthusiasm came back, motivated by the enthusiasm of the children ... Castiel came closer. As they left the shoe store, it seemed as if none of this had ever happened.

  
   
www

 

When they reached the second floor, Jewel asked for a break, she had sore feet, she had to pee. Chadwick was thirsty ... The lemon ice effect.  
They decided to sit at the terrace of an indoor tavern.  
Jewel ran to the bathroom with her brother.  
Dean sat in front of Castiel somehow lost in his thoughts.  
"We should avoid going out without Jo from now on." Castiel finally dropped.  
"Why ? "Dean was surprised.  
"It would prevent this type of incident from ever happening again".  
"What incident, Cass? "He suddenly remembered the video game store. "You mean the other asshole back there?"  
"Dean."  
"Fuck him... I will not stop going out with MY family just because some brainless morons think we are a couple, goddammit! " he pointed at themselves.  
"Didn’t it bother you? "  
"You should know I don’t give a shit ... What pisses me off is that he didn’t have the balls to say it in the open ..."  
"What difference does it make? "  
"The position of his teeth ..." 

Jewel rushed in before Castiel even had the time to reply.  
"Dad ... Dad ... Do you have quarters ? "  
" Quarters ? What for? "  
"There's a pinball machine with Star Wars ... Can we play? Please? " she was jiggling about.  
Dean searched his pockets.  
" Where is it? "  
" Right there ," she said, pointing to the entrance where Dean saw Chadwick waiting for his sister.  
"You stick with your brother, you understand me ? "  
"Yes Dad " she took the quarters her father gave her and ran away real fast.  
The waitress came to take their order ... Dean took a beer, Castiel a coffee ... They ordered two sodas for the kids.  
Castiel gathered the bags scattered on the floor ... They had bought some more stuff: clothes for Chadwick and sneakers for Jewel ... Dean had bought a two-color sweater and another pair of jean.  
Castiel had bought a T -shirt with the mention " Fuck you ".  
"Seriously, Cass ' Dean smiled.  
   
"One more floor and we can get the hell outa here" Dean said again.  
Castiel remained silent, absent-minded. " What’s the matter ? You’re still thinking about what happened earlier? I should be the one making a fuss about it, don’t you think? "  
"Sometimes I think that ..." he was looking down  
"What do you think, Cass? " his forearms on the table and leaning towards him.  
"Do you think the children already had to face that kind of reaction? "he glanced to Chadwick and Jewel who were playing next to the pinball.  
"Why would you care? ... It was just a cranky guy, Cass ... .nothing else".  
"I saw how everyone was staring at us ... Dean. I… I… I don’t wanna be an obstacle for you."  
“Goddamit, Cass ... what’s with you? I don’t understand" he said, feeling truly lost.  
"It’s OK… forget it."  
“No way ... We already talked about it... We said we wouldn’t hide anything… I don’t want to go through months of silence again when we almost screwed it up."  
"It was different back then, Dean… you had just lost Tessa."  
"I don’t care ... Talk to me!"  
"This is neither the place nor the time."  
"Don’t make me kick your ass in public, OK? " Dean scolded.

Castiel took a sip of his coffee.  
"I'm just afraid that the fact that we live under the same roof will eventually hurt you ... Personally, it doesn’t bother me, you know ... But since the episode with the dance teacher…”  
"It has nothing to do with it," Dean cut him off.  
"It has everything to do with it, Dean ... she never approved the way we live ... When I saw Chadwick’s reaction ... When ... When I saw Jewel’s reaction... I thought that maybe I was not the right person nor at the right place ".  
"Shut up," Dean said real loud. "If you have nothing better to say, I prefer that you shut up".  
"Dean…"  
"The kids adore you, they know who you are, what you are ... They are smart enough to make sense of things ... If adults are unable to do the same, they can go to hell ... But it’s out of the question that you feel you’re not at the right place because some narrow-minded moron assholes can’t see the great guy you actually are ... We don’t care that you're homosexual, Cass ... You understand that ... For us, you're just Castiel, a member of the family. Period. "  
"Dean," Castiel started, watching around him ... Dean had raised the tone of his voice without realizing it.  
" WHAT ? "Castigating a passerby.  
“Calm down "  
"How could I calm down? ... Are you kidding me? ... We’ve been living together for two years ... We've known each other for almost 10 years and now you’re coming with this??"  
"It’s precisely because we’ve known each other for so long that I’m telling you this, Dean ... People are cruel, and children even more ... Jewel will soon integrate the primary school ... I don’t want her classmates to point at her. And don’t you tell me it won’t happen ... It happened this afternoon, it's not just a casual happenstance, Dean ... "  
"Where are you getting at? You don’t want people to see us together, it that it? ... Damn, that beats everything, you're the homosexual who can’t take it anymore and I’m the hetero who copes for the both of us ... I don’t believe it!! "  
"I don’t want you to suffer because of me"  
"You’re talking nonsense, I meant it, Cass. I’m about to hit you for that " Dean was furious, his face had turned pale, and he was looking tense and tired ...  
"We'll talk about it when we get home."  
"NO! We talk about it right now ... And I'll make things clear straight away between us ..." he said pointing a finger at Castiel.  
Castiel joined his hands under the table and looked down ... He felt like a scolded child ... Dean leaned back in his chair and let the heat die down.  
"At first, I asked myself the same questions you did, when you proposed to move under the same roof ... I wondered what people would think, I thought of the children, of the consequences of all this ... I didn’t want to risk losing our friendship because of the consequences of such a decision ... I had just lost Tessa ... Losing you would have been too much to cope with. »

He saw Castiel smile, slightly raising his head.  
"And then I told myself that it was about our life, our choices ... You're an element of this family balance, Cass ... Words like those we heard earlier aren’t the first and won’t be the last we hear... It bothered you today because you think about the impact on the children, I can understand that, but you should to talk to them first ... you’d be surprised by their reactions ... You are a full part of their lives, Cass ..."  
Castiel raised his head and his eyes dived into Dean's.  
"You live your life, I live mine ... But there’s no way that I’ll change OUR life because it doesn’t seem proper for some country bumpkins who think that two guys living under the same roof are necessarily faggots or a couple "  
Castiel felt uncomfortable hearing Dean keep on using the word “faggot” yet he was touched to hear him defend his family no matter what... Dean had never actually managed to see Castiel as he was, sexually speaking. Even when Balty was there, even when he caught them.  
For Dean, Castiel remained his Castiel... His friend ... The problem was lying there too.

Dean couldn’t figure out why they were considered as a couple, as he didn’t see Castiel as gay, because he found their relationship so normal.  
As Jo had told him, Dean wouldn’t have been the same at all if it had been about Balty ... She even assured him that Dean would never have moved in with him under the same roof ...  
What Dean liked about Castiel was his discretion, even in his sexual preferences ...  
Sometimes it hurt Castiel but at the same time he felt so merged with this family that he was ready to do the sacrifice.  
He smiled as he thought that the only ones who actually seemed to assume his homosexuality were the children ...  
"What makes you laugh? "  
"Nothing, Dean ... You're right, I'll talk to them ... If there are problems in the future, we’ll figure it out when the times comes, even if we have to modify a few habits of ours".  
"That’s it." Dean smiled, feeling satisfied, persuaded to be the reason for this change ... It wasn’t totally false but most of all Castiel was ready for any sacrifice not to lose his family ... No to mention Dean.  
" Castiel ... Do you have quarters ? " A little voice snapped them back to reality.  
He glanced at his watch.  
"One more game and we’re done ... And tell Chadwick your drinks are here ... I thought he was thirsty "  
"It’s OK. He drank water from the tap in the bathroom" she smiled as she closed her hand on the coin Castiel put in her palm.  
Nevertheless, she remained there, with her arm still extended.  
" That's it? "  
"That’s it ... I said one more game "  
She turned back, a bit pouting.

  
www

 

They spent the late afternoon strolling ... They even bought some sweets for Chadwick and his father and a dress for Jewel .  
They ended up at the Impala with the trunk full.  
Dean leaned back against the front hood with Castiel by his side ... Children running around the car, tireless .  
Everyone savoring cotton candy.  
"It's really ugly" Dean said, giving a last look at the entrance of the mall.  
He swallowed the last portion of his desert and threw the stick into a bin resembling a beer barrel.  
" Let’s go" he shouted.  
"Yes Pa ' "  
Castiel stood up and glanced at the car as Jewel was fighting with her brother to hop in first ... Dean looked up at heaven, opening the driver’s door.  
He smiled.  
Yeah, he would make even more sacrifices for this ordinary family...  
He had already made some ... And this family was worth every one of them.

 

End of chapter.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope to see you in two weeks.  
> Love you.  
>  


	6. Modern Art according to Balty

Dean remained there for a long while, feeling skeptical, in front of what looked like a statue ... A woman with a man's sex ... At least that’s what the label said: " Androginasia ".  
Yet, as far as the work itself was concerned, only an extremely vivid imagination could guess a woman and a man’s attribute.  
Jewel woke him up from this half-contemplation.  
"Dad ... you coming ? "  
"I'm coming " He was lost in wonder.  
"Are you that upset ? " Castiel asked, with a smirk.  
"Can you tell me how does this block of rusty crap represent a woman in any way?"  
"I guess these two buldges are supposed to represent the breasts and this…” pointing a wire "A man's sex"  
"Well ... Mother Nature hasn’t been kind to her, poor thing” Dean laughed.  
Castiel smiled.  
" C’mon ... .We still has 3 more rooms to visit and obviously your son looks as lost as you are as regards modern art "  
"You calling this « Art »? "  
"It's a matter of perspective ... Look at Jewel, she seems to be in awe in front of half of the works."  
"That’s normal ... Because it probably reminds her of her classmates masterpieces… when you look at this kind of stuff" he pointed at a painting.  
A white frame and right in the center of it… two color spots… a red and a black one… which seemed to have been litterally splashed on the canvas.  
Dean leaned and read the title.  
« Bullshit ! Have you read the title of this one: « Impressions at sunset »? »  
He turned to Castiel who was standing in front of the painting, arms crossed and head tilted.  
"Where is this guy from… the Planet Mars? Have you ever seen such a shitty sunset? "  
"I admit, I’m a bit puzzled with this one" he answered, carefully studying the painting.  
Dean opened the exhibition catalog.  
" WHAT ? " He couldn’t help but raising his voice ...  
"Dean!" Castiel glanced at him, silently encouraging him to lower the tone... He came closer, shaking the book under his nose.  
" 11,000 dollars for this daub ... It’s a scandal"  
"Art is priceless "  
" Apparently, it isn’t ... Obviously, they gotta think the sun shines out their asses. Okay, starting tomorrow, I’ll crush cars and proclaim myself an modern artist. I’ll surely make more money than repairing engines and changing the oil".  
Castiel shook his head and smiled.  
Dean began to look all around him.  
"Where are the kids "  
"With Balty "

 

www

  
   
Chadwick had to make a presentation for the geography and history class. The theme imposed was: " Modern Art " ... A rather broad topic that didn’t inspire the boy at all; Chadwick tried to focus on his notebooks during the entire late afternoon.  
Indeed, he had never visited a museum , therefore he’d never seen works of art, not to mention modern art ones ...

Dean didn’t like it ... The only art he knew was the cinema and, on rare occasions, concerts.  
And since Tessa died, he hadn’t been to the movies, not to mention a concert.  
Castiel was on fatigue duty… Dean wasn’t a fan of manga or other cartoons of the genre that his children had become diehard fans of.  
"There's no soul in this computer stuff" he grumbled every time. "Nothing like a good old Disney or a good old western ... . "

Castiel was a cultivated person but not like Dean who was a cinema buff ... He preferred books. However, he was making the effort, just for the kids, of one movie session per month and each time, he surprisingly came home rarely disappointed ... While he admired the technical aspects of the movie, the children were fascinated by the story and the characters ... Everyone was happy, in the end.

As for Dean’s Friday night TV sessions, that was a different story ... The children were making fun of the awkward special effects in horror movies that wouldn’t even scare a two-year-old and their father was disappointed at their lack of imagination, nipped in the bud .  
They remained silent when watching old indian and cowboys movies, Jewel was fascinated by the scenery and Chadwick by the cowboys ... Dean smiled, children will be children, no matter the time period. 

Castiel found it harder to enjoy it as they did... This world was unknown to him ... His narrow education and the lack of TV at home during his youth had made him turn to books which he had secretly been reading in his bedroom.  
His parents wanted him to focus on the ones authorized by their spiritual guide and only those ... yet Castiel had cheerfully broken that rule.  
They had managed to put him off God ... he started to live again when he was admitted to College and discovered the informatics ... He finally opened his mind to the outside world and walked away from his parents and their closed and stifling universe that he couldn’t stand anymore. He valued his freedom too much, as a teenager.  
Castiel had never been the submitted kid his father wanted, even if the latter appreciated his son’s rebel side which was turning him into a man, a real one...  
Until the day Castiel found love in the arms of a class comrade.

 

www

 

Balty had been offered invitations for a temporary exhibition on the theme of emotions in contemporary art. He had mentioned it to Castiel who immediately jumped on the opportunity.  
The children weren’t very excited about it. Nevertheless, when Balty proposed to accompany them, they accepted with enthusiasm. ... They were going to have so much fun.  
Dean and Castiel were a little offended but one thing was sure, Balty’s quirky humor might make the visit far more interesting than anticipated.  
Dean finally agreed to join the group and give up his sacred Friday night.  
" It's still art, Darling ..." Balty claimed with a wink. 

 

Dean and Castiel joined Balty who was in a big discussion with a graying man ... Jewel and Chadwick were standing by his side, sipping their soda.  
" Cass darling ... Come here, I’d like to introduce you to our host"  
" Jonas ... .Meet Castiel Novak, my lover and Dean Winchester, HIS friend"  
He emphasized the words. Dean didn’t react, Castiel was looking daggers.  
" Nice to meet you " he said to the man who was smiling with a twinkle in the eye that made Dean understand Jonah was also a lover of Balty’s and thereby probably one of his pillow confidants. Balty was an open book ... He liked to hear himself talk.  
He’d better not tell him any secret or he might see it disclosed to just anyone around.  
"Likewise, Balty told me so much about you," Jonas replied as he shook his hand .  
He turned to Dean.  
"... .And about you too" he added with a greedy expression.  
"I wish I could tell the same" he said to shut down the goo-goo eyes on him. " Anyway ... Thanks for the invitation"  
" Balty’s friends are my friends " Jonas said with pinched lips.  
Obviously, he was upset. Dean noted that Balty seemed to enjoy the situation.  
He nodded his goodbye and turned to his children, feeling Balty’s and Jonas’ eyes on his back.  
" Go ahead" Balty said waving at him, "I’ll join you in a few minutes ..."  
Castiel greeted them and left without further ado.

Dean saw Balty leave with Jonas ... Considering the way they were looking at each other, it was easy to guess what would happen. He made eye contact with Castiel .  
" Doesn’t this bother you? "  
"No ... It’s Balty’s way "  
"I can understand, but he came here with you in the first place, he should at least show you some respect ! "  
"Dean ... I’ve known him for almost 7 years ... He was never disrespectful ... He's more a friend than a lover to me ... He does what he wants, we always lived this way ... It’s a common agreement "  
"I know but ..."  
Jewel interrupted him, handing him her drink.  
"I'm not thirsty anymore, do you want to finish it, Dad? "  
"Huh? " he was staring at her.  
"C’mon, kiddos, ... let’s finish the tour " Castiel claimed trying to change the subject .  
"Where is Balty ? "  
" He'll be back ... He’s talking to Jonas ," he said, gently pushing Jewel forward.  
" He's talking, right, talk to the hand." Dean muttered.

  
   
www

 

" What's this ? " Chadwick pointed his empty glass towards a canvas, with a puzzled expression on his face.  
" It's called ... Pussies» Dean dropped, amazed.  
" Pussy ? Where are the kitties? " Jewel came closer.  
"Nowhere sweetie ... C’mon, let’s go and see the next one»  
"No," she escaped her father’s grip. "I wanna see the kitties ? " She was staring at the painting.  
Castiel bursted out laughing. Dean couldn’t help laughing as well, although she felt a bit uncomfortable .  
"It's not that kind of cat ... C’mon, pumpkin " Some people around were smiling.

 

And so they went on, occasionally making a pause in front of a work that raised concern... Balty came back a few minutes later ... He was all smiles, obviously pleased with himself.  
"So my Darlings, do you enjoy this exhibition? " he asked as he put his hands on the children’s shoulders .  
"I don’t understand any of it." Chadwick dropped, looking more bored than anything else.  
"There are only spots " Jewel went on.  
" WHAT? ... Absolutely not " Balty seemed offended. 

He guided them in front of a blackboard with several red lines.  
" What do you see ? "He asked Chadwick  
"A blackboard and red lines" the boy replied in a tired tone  
Balty frowned.  
"Use your imagination, kitten ... Let go ... Don’t try to understand ... Imagine" He closed his eyes and threw his arms emphatically.  
"I still see spots" the boy insisted.  
"Read the title" Balty was discouraged  
"Grief" the boy read as he leaned towards the description.  
"Think for a moment ... What color does greif remind you of? "  
Chadwick stared at the painting a long while. His face started to light up  
"Black ... And the red spots would be the tears, then?"  
"ET VOILA ! " Balty patted him on the back, making the boy step forward.  
"You see ... The whole secret of modern art lies in the emotional response it generates ...There is no logic ... Just close your eyes and let your imagination do the rest..." he was mimicking and making faces at the same time which made Jewel laugh.  
Castiel watched the scene with tenderness and Dean, with amazement.

They ended the tour in a room full of marble statues.  
" So ? " Balty smiled, pointing a statue. " What do you see? "  
" A piece of rock " Dean grumbled, champing at the bit.  
Batly shook his head, pouting.  
"It's pretty " Jewel said, extending a hand.  
"Don’t touch it, sweetie " Balty said with a smile ." Just watch "  
" Looks like lovers " she was staring at the statue.  
"Chad ... Can you tell us the name of this work, please ? " Balty asked, posing as the Nutty Professor, his hands crossed in his back.  
" Love you "  
He turned to Balty  
" Love secret ? "  
" Yes, as in “a love that is not revealed, honey, not a secret between lovers..."  
"Ah "

"You know, like in “I love you but I won’t tell you" he smiled. He felt the piercing eyes of Castiel on his neck.  
"Oh, like Chad and Lindsay then" Jewel naively proclaimed.  
Chadwick’s face turned red  
"Lindsay? "Dean repeated, approaching his son. "Who’s that Lindsay?"  
"She’s in 3rd level class dance" Jewel went on, as she kept staring at the statue.  
"What? She’s the pretty girl you were ogling at the dance festival, isn’t she?"  
"Dad ..." Chadwick ranted as he looked daggers at his sister  
"Wow, that’s great"  
"We're just pals" the boy said, looking down at his feet.  
"Don’t worry ... you’ve got your father’s charm… I’m sure she’ll give in pretty soon.” Balty added with a wink. "Just don’t talk to her about Western movies, ZZ Top and Cinderella," he added, trying not to laugh.  
"Why don’t you shut up?” Dean grumbled.  
" Touché, Sinking "  
" What ? " as he turned to Balty, feeling quite angry.  
"This work over there is called “Touché, Sinking", he smirked pointing at a statue on his right .

Castiel felt Balty’s humor was no longer appreciated by everyone.  
"It’s about 9 p.m. We should head back home, shouldn’t we?"  
"Good idea," Dean stated as he walked away, a bit pissed.  
"What's the matter with him? " Balty didn’t seemed used to Dean reacting this way.  
"I think he’s had enough of spots and stones" Castiel sighed.  
"Are you coming, Jewel? Off we go, sweetie".  
" Already ? "  
"You still have to take your bath ... You should already be in bed by now".  
"Are you coming with us, Balty? " she said as she grabbed Castiel’s hand.  
"No sweetie ... I'll stay a little longer"  
In a glance, Castiel knew he wouldn’t be home for the night.  
"Let’s keep in touch, Honey"  
"Have fun, Balty ... Take care of yourself .."  
Balty smiled patting his trouser’s pocket  
"Don’t worry, I always carry the bare necessities."  
"Thanks for the invitation ..."  
"Don’t mention it ... You know it’s always my pleasure ... You are my favorite little family".  
"Aren’t you going to say goodbye to Dad and Chad? " as she grabbed Castiel’s hand.  
"I think Dad is a bit mad at me"  
" Why ? "  
"These are adult issues, sweetie".

  
   
www

  
Dean was waiting in the parking lot with Chadwick ... Obviously they were in a genuine father-and-son conversation.  
Castiel remained at a certain distance with the other two. He helped Jewel put on her coat and buttoned his trenchcoat as it was getting chilly.

Dean saw them ... He patted his son’s shoulder and join the trio.  
"Sorry man ... But I was starting to go crazy in there," he smiled at Balty who had come out at the insisting request of Jewel .  
" Don’t worry, Deanie ..." he replied, patting his cheek.  
Dean scowled; he didn’t like this demonstration of tenderness which Balty was crazy about, always needing to touch the target of his affection .

He kissed Chadwick who thanked him for the visit and promised to include "Grief " in his presentation.  
He lifted Jewel from the ground and planted two loud kisses on her cheeks.  
"Aren’t you coming home with us ? " Dean wondered  
"No ... .I’m going to stay here for a while ... I entrust you with Cass ... Take good care of him " he smiled fondly.  
"But, why ..." Dean remained speechless .  
" Let’s go ... .The children have sports tomorrow," Castiel interrupted, pulling his arm.  
"Bye Balty. Please give us a call, OK ? »  
“Tomorrow, promise!”

  
   
www

 

Despite what Dean had feared, the children had enjoyed the visit a lot. They kept talking about " Grief " and " Love You " and " pussy " on the back seat of the Impala.  
Castiel was listening and answering their question without complaining. They didn’t even bother to eat anything ... Dean had to drag them to the bathroom while Castiel was walking Apache.

When he returned, Dean had prepared a little snack.  
"They couldn’t wait for you ... They almost fell asleep before hitting the sack"  
Castiel smiled and sat down. Dean had prepared a sandwich in a hurry and displayed two beers.  
"To us," he toasted with Castiel as they often did when there was only the two of them.  
"To our family" Castiel always answered.

"It was a nice little exhibition" Dean started.  
"Yes indeed, the kids seemed to have loved it"  
"Yes ... They did ... They asked me to do it again one of these days"  
Castiel took a sip of his beer.  
" And ? "  
"I said it was a good idea but next time I’ll chose the Museum" he laughed. "I’ll never be as educated as you, I know that, but I would really try to look less stupid sometimes"  
He startled when Castiel’s bottle violently hit the table.  
"We already had this conversation a thousand times, Dean Winchester ... YOU ARE NOT STUPID!"  
"Okay, okay ... No need to scream, I'm not deaf, and lower the tone, will you ... you'll wake up the kids”  
"So stop pretending to be what you’re not. Goddamit!"  
"All right", raising his hands in a surrender gesture. "Still, I would like to be more cultured" he insisted  
"It's a very good idea and it will encourage you to get out more often with the children."  
Dean grabbed his sandwich.  
"But if you think I'm going to deal with the museum chapter alone, you’re sorely mistaken... You’ll come with us ... I don’t see myself answering their questions all at once "  
"Dean" Castiel started, raising an eyebrow.  
"We won’t go to a museum every week, don’t worry ... at least you could try to make a little effort " he said taking a bite.  
"I don’t mind going out with you, you know that, Dean ... But you need to spare precious moments with them, face to face."

Dean had been insising a lot lately to that they would go out together as much as possible, that is, since the discussion he had with Castiel at the mall ...  
"I'm with them every Sunday, Cass and I'd like to point out that THEY insisted you be part of it. And Balty, the Circus clown, is obviously welcome"  
"Balty will be delighted to hear that"  
"Incidentally, I don’t understand how you can stand this."  
"What?" he asked, as he was cutting his sandwich in triangles in front of an annoyed Dean.  
"Stop ruining my food, will ya?”  
"Not everybody has a mouth as big as yours."  
"Whatever" Dean took another big bite in his sandwich. "Balty could have waited until we were gone"  
“It’s Balty’s ways ... He is impulsive, direct ... He never calculates anything, let alone when it comes to sex"  
He could have sworn Castiel was blushing.  
"Still, I’d like to have a word with him ... He shouldn’t act like this" Dean continued.  
Castiel started to laugh.  
"What ? "Dean growled.  
"Are you trying to be the guardian of morality now ? "  
"No ... I didn’t like it, that's all ... Must come from my old-fashioned education, for sure."  
Castiel took a bite in the first triangle.  
"Balty is free, Dean ... He's my lover, my friend but I don’t love him and he doesn’t love me"  
"Yes, I know that, Cass ... You've already explained this a thousand times in every detail and, even if I have trouble understanding your relationship, I respect it... .But I have the right not to have appreciated his attitude with this Jonas guy tonight "  
"I’ll tell him to wait until later in the evening next time" Castiel smiled mockingly.  
"Shit, Cass ... Fuck you" He took a sip of his beer.  
"With pleasure," Castiel snapped right back.

They continued to eat in silence.  
"The children want to go to the Museum of Natural Sciences" Dean started again.  
"It’s beautiful ... I visited it with a friend of mine, an archaeologist, two or three years ago ... The children are gonna love it and so are you, for sure ... It's full of dinosaurs, you'll feel in your element"  
" Asshole. " he swallowed the last bite of his sandwich and looked at him, with laughing eyes .  
" Still, you 've eaten the T-Rex sandwich."  
"I was starving ... you Brontosaurus ", he stood up. "I'm off ... I 'm exhausted and it’s my turn to drive the children to school tomorrow " he stretched his arms.  
"If you want to , I could go and pick them up ... I just have to take care of some paperwork at the garage, it shouldn’t take too long"  
"Okay ... I’ll take the opportunity to go and get Apache vaccined"  
"Okay ... Settled, then."  
"Good night, Dean"  
« Good night, Cass. »

 

He stood up, cleaned the table and sat in the couch to watch TV.  
"The Last Caravan" was scheduled, a western starring Richard Widmark; he loved that actor.  
He fell asleep on the couch.  
Castiel found him when he came to fetch his trenchcoat in the kitchen.  
He took a spare blanket in the living room and covered Dean who grumbled in his sleep. He turned the TV off.  
A caress to Apache, a last smile to Dean.  
The most ordinary family! 

 

End chapter VI


	7. Father's day

 

They all had gathered around the kitchen table. They had laughed, a lot.  
The children had invited Bobby, Jo and Balty.  
Dean and Castiel were sitting at each end of the table, facing each other, in a friendly collusion as ever and feeling happy to see the whole family reunited.  
Since Tessa’s death, it was the first time Dean was genuinely letting go during a family party.  
Most of the time, there was an incidental smile on Dean’s face, yet his eyes were focusing somewhere further than the visible environment. He didn’t want to let the children see the pain he felt because of his loss. Jewel was unaware of this, yet Chadwich, who missed his mom as much as Dean missed his wife, felt the weight of the invisible shadow standing beside his father.

Nevertheless, Dean allowed to be himself again for the last few months, to live with more intensity. He still thought of his wife but life had taken over.  
Seeing other women and sharing something more than just pillow moments had been counting a lot. He felt ready to turn the page and open a new chapter without necessarily close the book.

As he swallowed the last bite of his fried chicken, he discretely looked at the people around the table. Jo was teasing Chadwick about his dance class girlfriend… Bobby was laughing at Balty’s nonsense.  
Jewel was covertly offering chicken chunks to Apache, lying in wait under the table.  
Dean and the little girl’s eyes met… they smiled to each other.  
Castiel pushed his plate away from him and, his chin resting on his right palm and looked at Jewel.  
 

  
www

  
   
He had spent a long time with her in the kitchen the day before… taking advantage of Dean’s absence in the afternoon.  
He had given her an apron that reached down her ankles. He tied it high behind her neck in an clumsy attempt to make it fit.  
Then he put Dean’s one on with a long sigh. However, if Castiel was gifted in accomplishing so many things, he surely hadn’t any talent for cooking.  
He barely knew how to cook some eggs and, aside pasta with cheese, he proved a rather clumsy cook.

As a result, when Jewel handed him Tessa’s cooking book, he suddenly felt sheepish.  
« You wanna bake him an apple pie ? » he asked with a haggard face.  
«Will you help me, Castiel ? » she said with a big smile.  
« But… but… but honey, I don’t know how to cook, you should know that. »  
« But it’s Father’s Day! » she was now begging  
« Why don’t you ask Jo to come and give you a hand ? »  
« I wanna do it with you… Jo… she doesn’t cook very well » Jewel pouted.  
She obviously remembered the day Jo invited them over and unfortunately mistook the sugar with the salt, which gave the lamb dish a weird taste and almost made the guests puke when he was time to taste her pudding.  
Castiel started to make a face too as he remembered the taste of the vanilla pudding. The memory was still so vivid in his mouth.  
He grabbed the book and started to read the « Apple Pie » dog-eared page.  
Tessa used to bake pies for Dean on regular occasions. It was his guilty pleasure and from time to time, he was still finding excuses to buy one or have someone offer him one.

He sat in front of the kitchen table and breathed out a long sigh. It didn’t seem that difficult, after all.  
He looked up at Jewel.  
« Okay. We might as well try. If we fail, we’ll still have time to buy one at the baker’s » he said with a smile.  
« Oh Thank you, Castiel » she was jumping for joy.  
All the ingredients were set on the table. Jewel was all smiles, and Castiel wasn’t smiling at all.  
He opened the book and started to read the instructions.

  
« _Spread half of the batter to make it slightly larger than the pan_ »

  
He turned to Jewel.  
« Do we have a rolling pin somewhere? »  
« Oh yes, we do » she nodded, opening a drawer.  
« It’s Mom’s » she put the heavy object on the table in an effort.

  
_« Don’t cut off the excess dough overhanding the mold ; place in the fridge or deep freezer until the dough is solid, for about thirty minutes; preheat the oven at 425°F with the rack in the low position. »_

  
« All right, let’s do this »  
He opened the pie crust pastry packaging and smiled… The dough was already rolled… All he had to do was spread it in the pan.  
He vaguely remembered that it was necessary to butter the bottom of the pan and spread a layer of flour.  
« Why ? »  
«So that it doesn’t stick to the bottom… I saw this in a TV program » he said as he tried to brush away the dough stuck on his fingers.  
« Shit » the dough was tearing apart on one side. « That’s okay »  
He crushed the slightly damaged edge with the end of his index.  
« There. That should do it » he said, a bit skeptical… It didn’t exactly look like the picture in the book.  
He turned around, switched on the oven and set the plate at low level.  
« Put the pie in the fridge, pumpkin » as he handed her the mold.  
Jewel felt very proud and walked carefully to the fridge. Castiel opened the door for her and she put the mold between the mix salad and the jar of mayonnaise.  
« In a bowl, beat the egg yolk and the cream. Slice the apples »  
« Okay, you will beat the egg yolk and the cream and I’ll take care of… the apples »  
Jewel was standing on a chair next to Castiel and started to mix the egg yolk and the cream.  
Castiel started to peel the apples and cut them in thin slices. It took him quite a while to get to the end of it… he missed several pits and bits of peel here and here.  
« No one will notice when it’s cooked » he mumbled.  
« Done! » Jewel proudly stated, pointing at the mixture.  
« Here, take this… » he took the cream, put it aside and handed her the wooden board with the apples slices.  
« Put everything in the big bowl, it’s crowded in here » surrounded by apples peels and cores.  
When they were done, Castiel cut a lemon in two and gave it to Jewel who squeezed as hard as she could over a small cup to get the juice out.  
« That should do it, pumpkin …they said 2 tablespoons… »  
He kept on reading the recipe.

  
_« In a bow, mix the apples, 3 tablespoons of flour, the lemon juice, 1 once of sugar, 1 teaspoon of cinnamon, a large pinch of nutmeg powder and a pinch of salt. »_

  
« A teaspoon ? » Castiel wondered. « Do we have a teaspoon in here? » He turned to Jewel who nodded she didn’t know.  
« It should be the same as a coffee spoon, don’t you think?…. » he mimicked.  
He poured the flour. Jewel poured the lemon juice.  
« Careful, sweetie, we musn’t pour everything » he was about to panic.  
« Too late... Don’t worry » he reassured her, when he saw despair on the little girl’s face.  
« I don’t think there was more than 3 tablespoon worth anyway »  
He opened the cupboard. There were at least a dozen cups of different sizes. Should he use a mug or a plain coffee cup ?.  
« I’m off to a good start »  
He chose a plain coffee cup and filled it with the approximate requested quantity of sugar  
« OK… that looks good, don’t you think ?» he was waiting for the six-year old’s approval.  
He added it to the preparation and prepared the cinnamon. Suddenly he felt perplexed. It seemed a lot somehow, he thought while putting the spice in the melange.  
He handed the salt jar to Jewel.  
« Just a little pinch… remember Jo’s dish. »  
Jewel took a tiny little bit with the tip of her fingers.  
« A little bit more, Jewel… there… that’s better. »  
He took the nutmeg flask and poured some on the apples.  
« Let’s mix it all now »  
He handed the bowl to Jewel. She took a wooden spoon and holding it with both hands, she started to stir in the bowl which Castiel was holding firmly.  
« Don’t stir so hard, sweetie… » as he noticed she was crushing the apples slices.  
The cinnamon flavor came up and Castiel started to wonder whether the quantity he’d used was appropriate.  
« Now, go and fetch the dough in the fridge… »  
She jumped from the chair and came back with the mold. There was a proud expression in her eyes.  
Castiel put the wooden plank in the sink while Jewel put the dough on the table. It requested some effort and the tip of her tongue was stuck between her teeth.

  
_« Stir the melange in the cold pie plate. Add a tablespoon of butter in chunks in the preparation.»_

  
He grabbed the butter and let Jewel cut out chunks of butter, using an edgeless knife. She made a face when her fingers got greasy and wiped them on her apron, which was now decorated with a nice butter coat.

  
_« Spread the other half of the pie pastry crust. Make cracks with a knife on the dough of the top._  
 _Spread the egg-cream mixture on the edges of the dough in the mold. Put it on the fruits and fold the edges of the dough back in_ »

  
Castiel put the mold now filled next to the sink and spread the dough on the table. It remained stuck...  
« Shit ! »  
He sprinkled some flour on it…It got to his nose and made him frown.  
Jewel laughed as it was getting worse than before.  
« Would you clean this, honey ? » as he lowered his face to her.  
She used her apron and, with application, she spread out butter on his nose, trying to get rid of the flour.  
He frowned even more.  
« Jewel !! »  
« I didn’t mean to » she stepped back and started to laugh even more.  
« Do you really expect me to believe this ? » gently squeezing her nose.  
She rubbed her own the face to brush away the flour which Castiel had now put on her.  
He took a knife and started to make the cracks while reading the book image.  
«Your turn » as he handed her the bowl with the egg-cream melange she had prepared a few minutes earlier.  
He took the mold again.  
« You need to spread it on all the edges »  
« With my fingers ? »  
« Well… I guess so. They don’t explain how to do it … Anyway we don’t have a brush, so… let’s do it »  
She dug her fingers with a bit of disgust and started to paint the edges, cheerfully overflowing a bit of melange flew on the table and into the pie.  
« Watch out, Jewel, or you’re gonna decorate the whole room. »  
« It’s difficult » she complained, the tip of her tongue sticking out her teeth.  
Castiel felt the emotion rising in his heart as he watched her painstakingly working on their common project.  
Whatever the outcome… Dean would love it.

When Jewel was done, he took the dough which was stuck on the table and put it as a top on the mold …Then he pinched the edges to weld them together.

  
_« Spread the egg-cream melange on the top pastry. Sprinkle the sugar powder. Put in the fridge or freezer for 30 minutes until it’s hard »_

  
« I forgot the granulated sugar » Castiel sighed  
« We have sugar » Jewel claimed; for her, any kind of sugar would surely do.  
« You know what ? I’m gonna mix some in the cream… »  
He put a coffee spoon in what was left of the melange Jewel had poured in the mixture.  
« Okay, your turn. You need to spread it very gently on the pie, don’t press, be careful not to crush it »  
« How do I do that? » with her hand on the bowl.  
« Here, I’ll help you »  
He gently guided her wrist over the pastry.

At that precise moment, Chadwick came back with the dog… He stood at the kitchen door and observed them.  
He couldn’t help smiling discovering the disaster. He folded his arms, leaning on the door frame, Apache sitting at his feet.  
They were distracted by the noise emanating from the dog licking his chops.  
« Chad… Look…We are baking Dad a pie for tomorrow » she claimed as she jumped from the chair and ran to her brother.  
« No kidding » he snapped back, observing the kitchen resembling a battlefield.  
« Yeah, I know » Castiel admitted, with a dismayed expression on his face.  
Chadwick and Jewel turned and looked at him. Castiel standing in front of the final product, with flour and butter on his nose… the table full of everything, their dad’s apron stained with flour.  
« What ? » he asked the children staring at him.  
« Nothing » Chadwick replied as he took off Apache’s leash; the dog rushed to Jewel and started to lick her fingers, which made the little girl giggle.  
« It’s not hygenic, Jewel… Quit that!» Castiel claimed as he put away the pie in the fridge where it had to rest for 30 minutes before cooking.  
« Give me a hand with the dishes ? We musn’t leave any trace » he told her with a wink.  
« What about the peels ? » Chadwick threw « Dad will understand at once when he sees them»  
« Drat! Well done, Chad »  
« I could throw them in the public park bin, if you want to. »  
« Wouldn’t you mind ? » he said, wiping his nose with a paper towel.  
« It will be my contribution. »  
Castiel suddenly felt uncomfortable.  
« I’m sorry, Chad… I didn’t even ask you whether you wanted to help us with this. »  
« Don’t worry… » the boy replied as he took a plastic bag in the cupboard. « Listen, Castiel » he said as he started to fill the peels into the bag.  
« Yes ? »  
« Would you mind coming with me at the Librarian. I hesitate between two gifts for Dad. »  
« Give me some time to clean up this mess and I’ll accompany you while the pie is in the oven, ok? »  
« Great! » the boy smiled.  
He cleaned all the garbage away from the table. Eggs shells, empty cream jar, pastry packaging. They had make the evidence of an apple pie preparation vanish.  
He was about to leave the kitchen. He turned around and watched Castiel cleaning the table, a bit overwhelmed by the whole situation.  
 

Castiel has spent the whole week walking the neighbors’ dogs with him. It was the only way Chadwick had found to make enough money to buy the gift for his father.  
The little notes he had put in the neighbors mailboxes had been so successful that he soon was overbooked and quite naturally he had asked Castiel to assist him.  
After classes, he was going out with him and Jewel to walk Apache and about ten other dogs. Jewel was leading the Old Grey, an almost centenarian poodle, and Patch, a young yorkshire.  
Castiel was holding Mrs Willard’s two English bulldogs, the librarian’s Dalmatian and their neighbor’s couple of Westies.  
Sometimes he got entangled in all the leashes but he held on until they reached the field in the park reserved for dogs.  
He would then let them run freely during a little less than an hour before walking them all back to their respective owners.  
Chadwick was walking Apache and Kart, Mr Andreï’s pittbull.  
As soon as he had walked Apache home, he was going out again to walk the last three dogs on his duty list. Three old buddies that only required a few minutes’ walk.

Dean was wondering why Castiel was going out with the kids so often. He just thought that perhaps, he needed to get some fresh air and improve his tan.  
He never suspected what was at hand. He was too busy himself and was too tired to look for an explanation he didn’t need after all.

By the end of the week, Chadwick counted the money he had made. It was a nice surprise. It was way much more than what he had hoped for.  
He set aside a part of it in his piggy bank and smiled. He had seen a splendid book at the librarian’s but then, he hesitated. He had enough money to buy the “beauty” he had seen in this shop window. As he needed a piece of advice, he spontaneously revert to Castiel.

Castiel had put the pie in the oven, lowering the temperature at 375°F and programmed a duration of about 30 minutes.  
The library was just around the corner. As a precaution, he had programmed the oven clock.  
The dog watched them leave and collapsed in his basket.  
 

« It’s beautiful, Chad, he’s gonna love it »  
« You’re sure ? »  
« Positive. »  
Chadwick was now treasuring the wrapped gift he was holding in his hands. Both children were standing by Castiel’s side and anyone, just looking at the trio, could have thought they were relatives as they seemed so connected, looking like an ordinary family.  
Castiel’s put one hand on Chadwick’s shoulder while he was holding the little hand of Jewel, playing hopscotch on the paving stones, trying to avoid the edges.  
They chatted about this and that.

When they eventually came back home, there was a delicious welcome flavor of apple pie and… cinnamon.  
Castiel felt it would be wise to take it to his place, to avoid Dean finding it. They opened all the windows and the back door to ventilate the house.  
Dean was supposed to get back two hours later. They was no way he would suspect anything.  
Chadwick entrusted Castiel with his gift, already wrapped up. Jewel gave him her own gift too.  
She refused to disclose the content of it to Castiel and she had even threatened one of her school mates who was about to uncover the mystery at the school gate.  
 

www  
 

At the end of the meal, they all went to the living room, leaving behind Castiel who cleaned the table with Jo. He put on the percolator.  
They heard Balty’s voice, narrating his latest mishaps and how he ended up half-naked in a hotel corridor, in front of his lover’s bedroom, dressed with nothing but a black G-string and a riding crop.  
Castiel heard the children and Dean laughters…  
He joined them with empty cups in his hands, followed by Jo holding the coffee pot: he was Dean actually had tears in his eyes.  
« I hate draughts » Balty put a conclusion to his story with a big smile.

" We can give gifts, Castiel? "Asks timidly Jewel  
« I put them on the table… Balty, could please give them a hand ?»  
« Sure, honey » Balty replied as he took Jewel in his arms and shuffled through Chadwick’s hair. The little boy pushed him away and laughed.  
« Let’s go, little monsters »  
Castiel started to fill in the cups he had put on the coffee table. Dean was wiping the tears from his eyes.  
« He is quite something » he said about Balty. « If he didn’t exist, we’d have to invent him. » sitting on the couch armrest.  
The children came back with big smiles on their face to the applause of Bobby and Jo. « Castiel… Coooome ! » Jewel shouted.  
Dean found a comfortable position in the armchair.  
« You go first » Chadwick said to his sister.  
She smiled, obviously delighted by the honor.  
« For you… » she said as she handed her gift.  
Dean pulled her against him and gave her a big kiss.  
«Thanks, pumpkin.»  
« Happy Father’s Day, Daddy » She claimed, hugging him real tight.  
He pushed her away with tenderness and tried to contain the emotion building up inside. It was useless though.  
He slowly unwrapped the gift, everybody was staring at him.  
« Could you step on it, baby ?» Balty said behind his back, unable to contain his impatience.  
Dean suddenly started to shudder. There was a brief silence.  
« It’s wonderful » he hardly breathed.  
« You like it ? »  
« I don’t like it. I love it ! »  
« I chose the pictures. Right, Jo ?» she claimed as she called Jo to witness.  
« That’s right, sweetie » Jo confirmed with a tender smile addressed to Jewel.  
« I couldn’t find the box » she said, lowering her eyes.

  
Dean extended the arm in Castiel’s direction so that the latter could admire the gift.  
Jewel had cut several pictures and assembled them in a photo-collage around a central bigger one.  
One of their last pictures showing them all together. Dean was holding Tessa in his arms and Castiel was kneeling in front of them, with the children on each side.  
They were all smiling. Back then, nothing had prepared them for what was about to happen. It was the time of ephemeral happiness.  
Dean looked at Castiel and pointed at a picture next to the big one, on the right. Jewel had glued with little heart-shaped stickers what the family currently represented for her.  
Dean, holding his son by the shoulder on one side and his daughter on the other. Kneeling in front of them: Castiel, with one hand of each kid on his shoulders.  
This photo had been Jo’s idea. Dean loved it. The children pose had been spontaneous, Jo had nothing to do with it. And that meant everything.  
Dean saw Castiel trying to hide the tears behind a big smile.  
« It’s wonderful, pumpkin »  
«That’s why I didn’t wanna tell you about the gift » she said, giving him the most serious look in the world.  
There was also a picture of Balty with Apache on the collage… and another one of Bobby and Jo.  
Jewel had asked Jo who was the lovely blonde with the little boy with a big smile. Jo had given her the answer. Which made Jewel immediately select the picture for her project. It was a picture of Dean and his mom.  
Dean stood up and put the collage on the fireplace mantle. Next to the picture of Tessa and him.  
«Thank you, pumpkin ». He took his little girl in his arms and hugged her real tight.  
« You’re not sad ?» Jewel whispered in his ear.  
« No, I’m happy… really happy. »  
She pushed him away a little and gave him a big loud kiss on the cheek.  
« My turn, now » Chadwick said.  
Dean put Jewel back on her feet next to Castiel who granted the girl a gentle smile as he shuffled through her hair.  
« Happy Father’s Day, Dad… » the boy announced as he put the gift on his father’s lap.  
« He’s been working hard for this. » Castiel proclaimed as he stared into the boy’s eyes.  
« Really ? » Dean said as he started to unwrap the parcel.  
As soon as he discovered its content he remained motionless for a while.  
« OH SHIT !» he was staring wide-eyed. « I don’t believe it ! It’s… it’s amazing » he claimed as he carefully examined, completely amazed, the Chevrolet Impala 1967 collector’s model.  
« My Baby… » he said as he took a closer look at the plastic box protecting the car. « She’s magnificent »  
« It’s a numbered item » Chadwick stated, very proud of himself.  
« But… » Dean was impressed. «How did you manage ? You must have paid a fortune !»  
« I’ve been working for this. » the boy replied, his chest puffing out with pride.  
« He’s been walking the neighbors’ dogs for a whole week. » Castiel said, his hands squeezing the shoulders of Jewel, standing in front of him. She was lost in admiration at the car.  
Chadwick looked at Castiel and smiled. He was about to confess Castiel had helped him but the latter gave him a « don’t say anything » look.  
« I’m the most spoiled daddy in the world » He pulled his son towards him and gave him a kiss. « Thank you… I love you, Son. »  
« I love you, Dad »  
« I love you too, Daddy » Jewel suddenly joined the embrace.  
In an immediate reflex and before it fell, Balty caught the little car that was in precarious balance on Dean’s knees.

Castiel stepped away and went upstairs. Dean looked at him, the kids still in his arms.  
« Cass ? » he looked worried.  
« I’m gonna fetch the climax of our show » he answered without bothering to look at Dean.  
« What’s going on here ? » he asked as he gently pushed the kids away from him, looking for an answer in their eyes.  
« It was Jewel’s idea… » Chadwick replied with a smile.  
Castiel came back holding the apple pie.  
« Home-made » he announced, holding up his chin. « By our Jewel. »  
« For real ? Did you bake a pie for me ? »  
« Castiel has done most of the work »  
« Cass… You… cooking ? » Dean’s expression changed as he stared at Castiel.  
« Gimme a break and don’t you look at me as if I put some poison in there… It shouldn’t taste any worse than Jo’s pudding » he felt a bit offended as he put the pie on the coffee table.  
« Sorry, you got me wrong… it’s just… » Dean’s voice was a bit shaking. « It looks yummy ! » the tone of his voice had changed.  
« I hope so… ‘cause Jewel and I had to improvise a little… »  
Dean looked perplexed.  
« Just a little» Castiel added at once.  
« You’ll have to be a bit lenient… This is a first in our cooking career » he added as he winked to the little girl who was staring at the pie.  
« What are you waiting for ? The pie won’t cut itself » Bobby grumbled, pushing up his cap.  
« I’ll go fetch the plates and a knife. »  
« I hope you have some ice cream too. » Balty snapped, faking a panic attack.  
« Sure. I’ve bought vanilla ice cream » Castiel smiled.  
« That’s my lover ! » he said, planting a kiss on his cheek before following Jo to the kitchen.  
Dean glanced at the fireplace mantle and at the table in the entrance, where Balty had exposed the car, safe from further incident.  
« Thanks, my little angels »

Dean cut the pie, his eyes reflecting greed, yet with almost too much precaution. He prepared a plate for each, Balty and Castiel requested ice cream. Dean claimed it was an outrage.  
The children claimed their stomach was still digesting their dinner.  
Castiel felt too much apprehension to try it first.  
All eyes were actually staring at Dean. He didn’t say a word.  
« Do you like it ? » Jewel asked, a bit worried.  
« It’s bloody delicious! » Dean stated, amazed, as he prepared for a second mouthful.  
« Really ? » Castiel showed a bit of surprise, looking at his own plate.  
« You can really taste the cinnamon in there. » Bobby said.  
« I don’t care. I love cinnamon. » Dean immediately snapped back.  
« It’s not good, is it ? »  
« Cass, my angel, don’t listen to this grumpy old one ! You’re as good a cook as a lover  » Balty said, closing his eyes to enjoy the ice cream in his mouth melting with the apple mix.  
« Balty! » Castiel shouted, blushing.  
« What ? » he opened his eyes and looked around; everyone was staring at him. « Have I said something wrong ? » he asked in an innocent tone.  
They all started to laugh.  
 

www  
 

Castiel finished cleaning the kitchen while Dean was putting the kids to bed.  
He was covering what was left of the pie with and was about to put it in the fridge when Dean entered the kitchen.  
He took the plate from Castiel’s hands and sat at the table.  
« Don’t tell me you’re gonna eat this ! »  
« Why should I leave it ? There’s only one slice left. Would be a crime » he said as he grabbed a fork abandoned on the table.  
« Cass »  
« Yes ? »  
« Thanks » Dean said as he swallowed the first bite.  
« I’m not the one you should be thanking. These are all the kids’ ideas. I just helped a little »  
« I know… They told me all about the walks and the pie »  
« Clean your plate before you leave… I’m dead tired, I’m going to bed » Castiel said to shut down conversation.  
« I guess Balty’s not gonna leave you alone tonight…Your pie definitely had some sort of side-effects on him» he smiled, as if for himself.  
« That was not my intention» Castiel replied, looking down, smiling too.  
« You should cook more often » Dean said taking another bite. « It’s so good ! »  
« Night, PacMan ! »  
« ‘Night, Cass... And thanks again for everything» Dean’s voice was tainted with tenderness when he looked at him.  
While walking through the living room to head to his apartment, Castiel glanced at the photo collage one last time and smiled.  
Definitely an ordinary family.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that you can try to cook the pie the way they did, « Dean version ». The recipe is totally accurate. Just one piece of advice : don’t do as our two experts ; try to get the proportions right, LOL 
> 
> see you in two weeks (and one day) if you wish


	8. Corridor B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some angst in this chapter but don't worry, everything gonna be alright.

 

Dean had been waiting in this bloody corridor for about an hour. There he was, staring at his hands. Elbows resting on his knees. Fingers twisting in anxiety. He was looking up, in anticipation, each time a nurse came by; but none of them would talk to him, overwhelmed by the emergencies coming in endlessly.  
He took a deep breath and tried to swallow the lump in his throat, the one he had felt since that blasted phone call.  
Everything around reminded him of Tessa… the calls in the speakers, the tears, the patients cries echoing the doctors and nurses’ voices, even the smell that wouldn’t fade away...  
« I beg you, My Love, wherever you are… please protect him from up there… We can’t live without him… I… I couldn’t, Tessa »  
He felt the tears coming out of his eyes and his composure collapsing. He buried his face in his hands.  
« Goddammit Cass ! » he squeezed his hair real hard, trying not to scream out of rage, to avoid insulting God, his last hope.  
« Mr Winchester ? » A man’s voice called.  
He raised his head, promptly wiping the tears with the palm of his hands.  
« Yes » He stood up.  
« I’m Doctor Gabriel... » The man said, extending a hand. « I’ve been assigned to your friend upon his arrival here.»  
« How is he ? » Dean replied as he absent-mindedly shook the doctor’s hand.  
« He’s OK… Don’t worry… He’s out of danger. »  
« Dammit! » He said, stroking his hair and pacing nervously, trying not to unleash his anger.  
« Can I see him ? »  
« He’s currently in RR ; you’ll be allowed to see him as soon as he’s transferred to IC. » the doctor replied with a smile.  
« Why IC? » Dean’s face suddenly went pale.  
« We need to monitor his condition during the next 24 hours ; current procedure. Don’t worry. »  
« What the hell happened ? » Dean was begging for an answer. « Nobody told me anything. I’ve been cooling my heels and nobody would tell me squat ». Dean sounded really pissed and useless.  
« From what I heard, your friend has been assaulted as he was leaving a reception or a party »  
« Assaulted? »  
« Your friend is gay, isn’t he ? » the doctor eyes were looking into the depths of Dean’s.  
« So wh… » He suddenly understood. « Are you telling me… You mean, he was the victim of a… a homophobic aggression, is that what you’re trying to tell me ? » his face froze in disbelief.  
« From what Mr Novak told the police officers before being transferred here, it looks like it, indeed… Apparently he was attacked by two men in an alley. A local resident was alerted by the noise; he called the police and put the assailants to flight... »  
« Shit ! » Dean let out as he dropped on his chair.  
« Unfortunately, I’m confronted with this kind of situation in Emergencies more and more often...Your friend was very lucky. That guy in the alley probably saved his life. Your friend owes him one.»  
« Pardon ? » he looked at the doctor with even more disbelief in his eyes.  
« He has a cracked rib but most seriously two rib fractures. One of the ribs penetrated the left lung causing a pneumothorax. We had to operate »  
« Pneuno...what ? » Dean seemed to be lost  
« Pneumothorax.» the doctor repeted. « He also suffers from a slight concussion and several hematoma on his back. If they had hit a few more blows, his condition could’ve been a lot more serious.» He went on.  
« But... » Dean’s voice was nothing but a whisper.  
« According to the witness, it seems that they hit him even when he was already lying on the ground. »  
«But why? » Dean was somehow disconnected from the conversation. « I need some fresh air....I gotta get outa here.» He pushed the doctor away and walked straight ahead. He ended up in the waiting room.

 

The words seemed to resonate in his head like an echo, again...  
He felt like crying but the tears wouldn’t flow. In his mind, yesterday’s memories were mixed with today’s fear.  
He remembered Tessa’s face, even if the only souvenirs of her were now pictures and from time to time a forgotten dream… he was staring at nothing and saw her smile. Then he heard the echo of Castiel’s laugh in a deep warm voice.  
He suddenly felt a pressure on his arm, he startled and raised his eyes. Bobby had arrived, Bobby was here with him!  
« Bobby... » He hugged him, as if he wanted to stay in his embrace forever.  
Bobby gently patted him in the back.  
« It’s gonna be all right, son »  
He heard Dean sniffle and gently pushed him away. The emotions were back in control again. He had to, there was no time to fall to pieces… not now...  
« Where are the kids ? »  
« As soon as Chad called, Jo went at your place. She called me immediately afterwards.»  
« Thanks, Bobby. »  
« You look like shit. Let’s go for a coffee » he said as he pulled his sleeve.  
« No... I’ll stay here. »  
« Dean !»  
« No Bobby. »  
« OK then… I’ll go get some caffeine supplies. »  
« I’ll be waiting for you in corridor B »  
« I’ll be back...Call your kids. They’re worried sick. »  
« OK, I’ll call them »  
« Call them NOW, Dean... » Bobby ordered.  
Dean walked to the reception. He tried not to show his impatience and remained silent until the nurse hung up the phone.  
« May I help you ? »  
« Yes, I’m Dean Winchester… My friend, Castiel Novak, is in recovery room. I need to go out and make a phone call… If in the meantime, something…. »  
« If anything happens, we’ll come and inform you right away » she replied with a smile.  
« Thank you. »  
He gave a final glance at corridor B, at that double door which was closed for now. He went out.  
Jo picked up the phone...

  
   
www  
 

It had all started on a quiet ordinary Sunday. The sky was pretty cloudy and the weather forecast had announced rain. Dean and the children agreed on staying in and play home birds.  
Dean wasn’t very keen on board games ; first of all because he thought he was too old for that, and then because he was a very poor loser ; losing against his kids didn’t make him feel very proud.  
Chadwick, on the other hand, accepted to play, yet demonstrating poor enthusiasm. The only thing that made him happy was to play with his sister against their father and see him trying to contain his rage after hours of self-discipline.  
Dean was inevitably putting an end to the game with his favorite closing remark « This game is really stupid », which had become his cult phrase.  
However, his frustration would only last as long as it took to sip a beer or a coffee. The children hilarity, on the other hand, would last for hours, as they kept on imitating their father each time they could. For Dean, it was fair and square for sure.  
They had eaten a late breakfast and by the time they’d cleaned everything and taken care of Apache, it was already time for lunch. Jewel suspected her father and brother to make it on purpose, which they denied in unison.

They ordered pizzas as Dean was too tired after a hard week’s work and wanted to keep meals preparation as simple as possible.  
The three of them were sitting on the floor, around the coffee table, 3 pizzas in front of them, when Castiel entered the room.  
« Oh, you look great. » Jewel claimed as she stood up.  
« Thank you, sweetie.» He smiled as he was adjusting the sleeves of his black leather jacket.  
« You sure look classy.» Dean whistled, his arm leaning on his knee, holding a slice of three-cheese pizza in his hand.  
Dressed in black pants, white shirt with the first button undone, short black leather jacket, needless to say that Castiel was creating a sensation.  
Dean couldn’t help smiling as he noticed Castiel hadn’t found the way yet to give his messy hair a decent look.  
He made a face when he saw the old beige trench coat hanging on his right arm.  
« Oh no, you ain’t gonna wear that old piece of rags, are you ? » he looked offended, put down his pizza, cleaned his hands on a napkin and stood up.  
« Weather forecast announced rain. » Castiel explained.  
« Man, you’re driving, ok ? You look so elegant, there’s no way you’re gonna wear this! »  
« Yes, I am » Castiel looked pouty and not ready to give up.  
Dean had tried for years to encourage Castiel to give it away, but the latter always refused. The sleeves edges were worn and the collar had lost its original color long ago. Yet Castiel didn’t want to part with it.  
He felt as if it was bringing him luck. It was part of him.  
« It’s a gift from Tessa. »  
« I’m aware of that, Cass... But that doesn’t mean you gotta take it with you everywhere you go. » Dean whispered in a sweet voice as he walked closer to Castiel.  
« Give it to me. »  
« Dean. » Castiel said, looking down.  
« You’re shining like a penny. There is no way you’re gonna mess it up.» he said as he grabbed the trench coat, smiling.  
Castiel looked up at Dean.  
« What about I leave it on the back seat? »  
« Goddammit, Cass ! Don’t be so childish. Even Jewel gave up on her blankie »  
Castiel nibbled his lower lip.  
« What the hell ! » Dean said, letting go of the trench coat. « Do as you like. After all, you’re a big boy. »  
« Don’t be mad at me.» Castiel frowned.  
« I’m not. Now, get outa here. You’re gonna be late » he said, granting him a tender smile.  
« I’ll see you tonight ? » Castiel said, shuffling through Chadwick’s hair to say goodbye.  
« Are you coming home late ? »  
« I don’t know yet, it all depends on Greg’s exhibition» he replied as he leaned to Jewel who wanted to give him a goodbye hug.  
« Have fun »  
« Thanks, at least I’ll try » He gave Apache a stroke and walked to the door.  
« Hey Cass ! »  
He turned around.  
« Yes ? »  
“ You’re gonna blow them up” Dean said with a wink.  
« Thank you... » Castiel blushed a little.  
« Enjoy your Sunday »  
Dean kept his eyes on him until he was out of sight and remained still for a moment, staring at the door.  
« Dad.... I wanna play some more. » Jewel’s voice woke him up from his reverie.  
« Let’s clean the table first ». He couldn’t avoid this. Yet, he glanced one more time at the door.  
 

They spent the whole afternoon playing a game of « Sorry »; Chadwick won the game, Jewel came last. Dean had let out a thousand sighs during the whole game. Then they played a game of “Chutes and Ladders” ; this time, Dean won the game and exhibited his piece for a while. Chadwick and Jewel sighed, shaking their head. Their father had so rarely won that they let him enjoy his victory for hours.  
Jewel, kneeling, with her head inside the TV stand, was looking for another game...  
« I’m warning you, it’s the last one » Dean officially stated. « We still need to walk Apache and tomorrow you gotta go to school »  
« All right » she said as she exhibited Twister.  
« Oh no, Jewel... Not this one!» Dean looked upset.  
« Oh yes, this one » Chadwick immediately snapped back.

Within a short while, Dean’s legs were on top of Jewel, Chadwick’s arms were above Dean’s head, and Jewel was stuck between them.  
She twirled the arrow: Yellow.  
She was laughing so hard, trying to get her foot on the yellow mark that the dog, intrigued by all this noise, joined the party.  
« APACHE NO ! » Dean shouted. Too late though.  
The dog jumped in the middle of the trio, knocking Dean over, leaving him with his face on the ground, his arms spread wide, on his knees, and his butt up aiming at the ceiling.  
On top of that, the dog rushed towards him at the precise moment Dean raised his head, his face was rewarded by a big wet lick.  
The afternoon ended up on a big loud laughter.

  
   
www

  
   
Castiel left the exhibition premiere around 6 p.m. : he had been bored all along and had shown up by sheer politeness. He thanked Greg and his wife for the invitation and said his goodbyes. Greg accompanied him to the exit.  
« So ? I hope it wasn’t too hard » he smiled with a touch of irony.  
« It was… » Castiel didn’t know what to say.  
« Boring… annoying… ugly... horribly pompous »  
« Indeed » Castiel answered in a short laugh.  
« Consider yourself lucky. I’m stuck here until 10 p.m.» Greg complained, raising his eyes.  
« Cheer up… See you on Monday ? » he said patting on his arm.  
« Of course… and… Castiel ?» He called his friend before he left. « Thanks. I owe you one… If you hadn’t been there, I would have died of boredom.»  
« Next time, get a rope and hang yourself. » he answered with a smile.  
« There won’t be a next time, I’ll kill myself before » he waved goodbye and closed the door.

He took his car keys out of his pocket and headed for the alley where he had parked his car.  
« Hello. »  
He startled and turned around, somewhat on the defensive.  
« Good evening » He felt relieved as he recognized two of the people he had seen in the afternoon.  
« Are you leaving already ? »  
« Yes… I have to work early tomorrow » a bit surprised by the rather familiar way the man was speaking to him.  
« You’re Castiel, aren’t you ? » he stepped forward with a strange look in his eyes ; obviously the man had too much to drink.  
« Yes, I am » Castiel tried to spot his car.  
« You’re a friend of Greg’s, right ?... We heard you talk to him »  
« Yes, we are colleagues. Why do you ask ?»  
« And Greg agrees to work with a man like you ? » the man looked at Castiel with revulsion.  
« Pardon ? »  
« How does it feel to take him in the ass ? » Now there was a nasty smile on the man’s lips.  
« Feels good, why ? » Castiel snapped at once. « You should go home...You’re inebriated »  
He finally spotted his car just a few meters away.  
« Me and my buddy, we don’t like faggots »  
Castiel could have said something back but, considering the attitude of the man standing in front of him, he thought it would be wiser to remain silent. He had said too much already.  
A shadowy figure showed up at the corner.  
« Jaimie... What the hell are you doing ? »  
« I found your friend.» the first one shouted.  
« Who ? »  
« The faggot.»  
The man, who appeared to be full of muscles, walked towards them. Castiel recognized him at once. The latter had looked daggers at him when he was speaking with Greg about Dean, the children and Balty. Castiel had stared at him, which had forced the other one to lower his eyes.  
« Well well, who do we have here? » his lips stretched in a nasty grin.  
« What do you want ? » Castiel stepped back a few steps, looking around for help, but the alley was otherwise deserted.  
« She’s rather cute, ain’t she?» the man was smiling at his friend.  
« I’d like to have a good time with this little pansy» he said, patting on Jaimie’s elbow.

  
   
www

 

Dean waited for Bobby in the main hall. They found two empty seats in corridor B and tried to settle as comfortably as possible. Dean glanced at the clock on the wall.  
11.15 p.m.  
Bobby lowered his cap on his face and eventually dozed off, as Dean was obviously not in the mood to talk.  
After a little while, a nurse came fetch Dean who was also about to fall asleep.  
« Mr Winchester ? »  
« Mmm… Yes ! » he startled.  
« Your friend has been transferred to IC… Dr Gabriel said you may see him now. I’ll show you to his room»  
« How… How is he ? »  
« He’s fine… He may sound a bit incoherent when he wakes up ; don’t worry, it’s just a side-effect of the anesthesia and the painkillers»  
« Bobby ! » Dean shook the old man who startled too, pushing up his cap.  
« What ? »  
« Everything’s fine. You can go home now. Tell Jo I’m gonna spend the night here. »  
« Are you sure you’re gonna be OK ? »  
« Yes » Dean felt tired, yet he forced himself to smile.  
« Tell me if you need me, Son. »  
« Thanks for staying with me, Bobby » he briefly hugged the man and patted him in the back.  
« C’mon. Go now.» Dean said as he gently pushed him away. Bobby reajusted his cap.  
« Give him by best wishes »  
« I will. »  
The nurse smiled and guided Dean in the corridors. Bobby looked at him until the elevator doors closed in on them.  
He looked up at the ceiling and smiled. As if she were there.

  
   
www

  
   
The nurse accompanied Dean to the second floor.  
« You must first put these on… It’s just a precaution » she said as she handed him paper gown and slippers.  
He let his vest on the back of a chair and put on the gown in silence. He couldn’t help shaking.  
« You shouldn’t worry now. He’s out of danger.»  
« They told me the same thing about my wife too » Dean replied, looking down.  
« I’m sorry » as she was aware of her mistake.  
« It’s not your fault » he replied, smiling at her.  
« My name is Charlie, if you need anything, just press the alert button. »  
« Thanks »  
« Go ahead… all he needs now is to see a familiar face » she said as she gently guided him towards the room.

 

Dean hesitated for a moment and finally opened the door…The room was dark. He could hear the monitors’ beeps, the machinery around the bed. At first, he was scared to come closer.  
He took a deep breath in and walked to the bed. His hands were wet. His mouth was dry.  
Castiel was lying there, bare-chested... On his left flank, Dean saw the drain coming out of his chest at the lung area and connected to the bottle collecting the blood… His blood.  
He closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again, staring at his friend’s body lying in there, with the headrest slightly up.  
Castiel’s left eye was still swollen, because of the split eyebrow arch ; his left cheek had been deeply cut too. Dean tensed up as he imagined that only a violent kick could have caused this kind of injury. Castiel’s lip was also split and there were a few stitches on his temple...  
Dean moved even closer to the bed.  
« Cass...Can you hear me ? It’s me, Dean.» He remained still, holding his hand, careful not to touch the drain.  
He observed his friend for several minutes. He leaned and planted a kiss on his forehead. He couldn’t help shivering and let his forehead rest on Castiel’s.  
« De... De...an »  
Dean raised back and looked him in the eyes. Castiel’s blue eyes were dotted with ruptured veins.  
« Hi » He said in a low tone.  
« De...an » Castiel’s eyes were imploring, he tried to take a deep breath, wincing out of pain, and closed his eyes again.  
Dean suddenly felt a big lump in his throat.  
« I’ll call the nurse to get you something for the pain»  
« I have… » Castiel painfully raised his hand and exhibited the patient-controlled pump in his left hand.  
Dean knew this little device all too well.  
« Don’t become addicted to that, okay, Cass ? I sure don’t wanna bring back a junkie back home» He was smiling but his eyes reflected nothing but pain.  
Castiel made an effort to smile too.  
« Don’t you ever dare to do this to me again » Dean whispered, stroking Castiel’s messed up hair one more time.  
« Dean... » Castiel’s voice was a faint whisper.  
« Yeah? »  
Castiel smiled. Dean smiled too. The patient closed his eyes and finally fell asleep.  
Dean pulled his chair closer to the bed, making sure not to mess up the drain.  
He rested his elbows on the bed side and held Castiel’s hand ; he felt a squeeze back.  
« I’m right here, don’t worry. Sleep now. »  
When Charlie came to change the bottle and check the values on the oxygen saturator, she looked at Dean, asleep, his head resting on his friend’s arm, their hands still joined.  
He mumbled something when she inadvertently kicked his chair ; but he didn’t wake up.

 

www  
 

Dean forced his children to go to school the next Monday. Jo drove them, even if they wanted to see Castiel so badly… She promised she would take care of Apache so that they pay a visit to Castiel at the hospital right after the end of their school day.  
They had the feeling the day was going on forever. When Jo finally arrived to pick them up, they were ready, waiting at the school gate.  
Chadwick’s expression was hardened ; although he was very impatient to see Castiel, he had a hard time letting go of his fear… He hated hospitals, they had stolen his mom and now, he feared they would take away Castiel as well.  
Jo tried to reassure him the best she could, yet the boy refused to talk to her.  
« Do you wanna go home ? He’ll understand, you know. » she looked at him in the read-view mirror and smiled.  
« No » Chadwick hit back. « No....I...I wanna see him » he whispered, lowering his eyes.  
Jewel was on the back seat, clinging to her brother.  
« Can we buy him flowers ? »  
« No, Jewel... » his brother smiled at her.  
« Why not ? »  
« ‘Cause Castiel would certainly prefer a box of chocolates » he replied with a wink.  
He saw Jo’s expression in the mirror and his smile faded at once.  
They both knew that flowers weren’t authorized in this section of the hospital anyway.  
 

Dean was aware of Castiel’s pain but he felt immensely helpless about it. Each time his friend was trying to move, he was moaning, despite the painkillers... When he coughed, the drain was pulling on the wound and tears were flowing from his eyes.  
Dean followed Charlie in the corridor when she was done with her checks and care routine.  
« Do something, dammit. Can’t you see he’s in agony ?» he said pointing at Castiel’s room.  
« Mr Winchester, we’ve done all we can do. That’s part of the normal healing process.»  
« Healing process ? My ass ! » he said, raising the tone of his voice.  
« Anyway, he has received the maximum dosage we can prescribe at this point... Be there for him, it’s the only thing you can do right now... And let us please do our job.... Dr Gabriel will check on him later this afternoon; you can speak with him then. »  
Dean rubbed his neck, feeling both the shame of having raised his voice with the nurse and the stiffness after sitting on a chair for a whole night.  
« I’m sorry. It’s just that I don’t wanna see someone I love suffer like this anymore, you know what I mean? My wife died of cancer. So, please, don’t tell me again that pain is a part of the healing process… Ever! » He went back in the room.  
Charlie lowered her eyes and sighed. Sometimes, she felt so helpless to soothe the pain of families and patients.  
While she pushed her medical care cart along, she saw a small group of visitors coming her way : a woman and two children. She recognized on the boy’s face the features of his father.  
They had come for Castiel. She smiled.  
 

Castiel had a hard time catching his breath since the nurse had cared for him but he didn’t complain.  
Dean was allowed to take off the paper gown and slippers… he threw it in a bin and was taking his place back on his chair, next to Castiel, in silence, when he heard a discreet knock on the door. Jewel’s shy little face appeared in the doorway.  
« Daddy ? Can I come in ?» she asked from a distance, with a worried expression on her face.  
Dean stood up and walked to her. He opened the door and saw Jo and Chadwick standing behind her… Dean held his daughter real tight against him as he looked at his son. He smiled. His son smiled a sad little smile back.  
For Chadwick, coming here to see Castiel was a trial, but he had come anyway, because Castiel had always been there for them, in good and most of all in bad moments of their lives. He had always been there when they needed him… He motivated himself with the silent mantra that Castiel was out of danger, just as Jo had promised.

 

Dean came closer to the bed, his hands on Jewel’s shoulders, guiding her. The backrest of Castiel’s bed had been raised a little more. Castiel smiled to the little girl.  
« Hello sweetie. » he said in a faint whisper. His eye wasn’t swollen anymore and his face looked almost normal.  
« Watch out, Jewel » Her father warned her about the drain. He was happy the nurse had come to change the bottle, a bit earlier, so the children wouldn’t see the blood.  
« Does it hurt ? » she asked as she put her little hand on his arm.  
« A little, but you’re all here and I feel a lot better already. » He tried to raised his left hand, but he lacked the strength.  
« Dad… Can I give him a hug ? »  
« I’ll carry you.. Don’t touch his belly, pumpkin, all right ? »  
« Promise » She said, reaching out to her father.  
Dean took her in his arms, she kissed Castiel. He closed his eyes. She inadvertently pressed on his bruised ribs but he managed not to show it was hurting him. Dean saw his features contort and finally noticed Jewel’s knee was pressing on Castiel’s side.  
« That’s enough, pumpkin » he said putting her back on the ground.  
Castiel kept his eyes closed and Dean pursed his lips.  
« When are you coming home ? » Jewel asked.  
« He needs to stay here a little while longer, pumpkin, but he’ll soon be back… I promise » her father answered.  
« Hi » Jo said, now standing next to the bed. Castiel opened his eyes.  
« Hello, Jo »  
« You’ve scared the hell out of us, you know that? »  
« I know, I’m… sorry » he said, trying to catch his breath.  
« Are you OK, Cass ? » Dean was worried.  
Castiel raised his hand to indicate he was all right.  
« Your friend Greg called this morning, he’s worried about you. »  
Castiel gave a shy smile.  
« The police questioned him. »  
« Why ? »  
« They want to find the guys who did this to you, you moron » Dean hit back, raising his voice.  
« Dean ! » Jo looked daggers at him, discreetly nodding at Jewel.  
   
All this time, Chadwick had been standing by the door, looking at Castiel, seeing the pain in his eyes and on his face… He knew this kind of pain all too well… The memory of the pain on his mother’s face was still vivid in his mind.  
He stood against the wall, with his hands on his back.  
« Chad ? » his father looked worried.  
The boy raised his eyes and left the room.  
« Shit ! … Jo, keep an eye on Jewel, please »

  
   
www

  
   
His son ended up in the waiting room, his forehead leaning against the window.  
« Chad » Dean called, walking towards him.  
« Is he gonna die ?» the boy asked in a neutral tone.  
« Of course not… Besides, you know that he wouldn’t want to go away » Dean smiled.  
« Mom didn’t want to go away either » Chadwick said, staring at his father with such a cold expression on his face that Dean felt a chill down his spine.  
« Chad ? »  
« I don’t wanna see him » the boy said with a fierce voice.  
« No one forces you to… Castiel will understand… I’m sure he knows already » Dean put his hand on his son’s shoulder.  
« Maybe tomorrow » Chadwick said in a whisper.  
« Whenever you’re ready, Son… Come here »  
Chadwick came closer to his father who took him in his arms. He was aware of what his son was going through. He had been kept awake most of the night in corridor B because of similar memories.  
« I’ll ask Jo to drive you home, ok ? Anyway, Cass needs to rest now » he said, raising the boy’s chin with a finger.  
Chadwick nodded.  
« Wait for us here. »  
 

Dean came back in the room and saw Jewel sitting on a chair that seemed too big for her, swinging her feet and narrating their last game of Twister to Castiel.  
His eyes met with Jo’s and they shared a smile.  
« Go home… I’ll join you later on. Could you take care of the kids for a few hours?»  
« No problem… You can count on me, and on Bobby too.»  
« Thanks Jo… Remind me that I need to call the garage… Kevin called and I haven’t had the time to return his call… He probably wonders what’s happening.»  
« Kevin... getting worried ? That’d be the first time » Jo laughed.  
« Let’s go, Jewel ! »  
« Already ? »  
« You’ll come back tomorrow… Castiel needs to rest now»  
« See you tomorrow, Castiel… I’ll make a drawing for you.»  
« That’s very kind, sweetie. »  
« Can I give you a kiss, will it hurt? »  
« A little kiss never hurts » he said, staring at Dean who was looking at his daughter.  
« Daddy ! » she reached up to her father again.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean accompanied them to the elevator. But before the doors even slid open, Chadwick stepped back and ran in the opposite direction.  
Jo wanted to follow him but Dean held her back.  
« Leave it to me »  
The doors closed on empty space.  
Castiel tried to breathed through the pain… Despite the suffering, he had taken upon himself not to show his visitors how he truly felt. He closed his eyes.  
He heard someone coming in. However, he kept his eyes closed, presuming it was Dean. He tried to breath away the sharp pain in his chest.  
He felt a hand gently take his and squeeze. He opened his eyes and looked on his right.  
Chadwick was holding his hand, in silence, avoiding to look at him… only staring at their hands joined together.  
« See you tomorrow, Castiel ». He left without uttering another word.  
His not so ordinary family....

  
    
End of the chapter

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’re a victim or a witness to a homophobic behavior, if you need help :
> 
> USA :  
> Get support  LGBT foundation  
> +1 345-3-30-30-30 (aide en ligne et support)  
> http://usa.angloinfo.com/family/lgbt/lgbt-associations-support/
> 
> Canada  
> PFLAG CANADA  
> +1-888-530-6777 
> 
> UK :  
> PFLAG UK  
> +44 20 7837 7324
> 
> France :  
> \+ 33 810 108 135  
> +33 1 48 06 42 41  
> +33 6 31 59 69 50 (for young women in distress... « Le Refuge ») 
> 
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> +32 2 212 30 00  
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> 
> Switzerland :  
> +41 22 347 64 48


	9. The hill

  
 

Dean was sitting at the kitchen table with his head leaning on the palm of his hands. He was lost in his thoughts and didn’t hear him come in.  
« Hello, Dean ».  
He startled and almost spilled the content of his mug.  
« Dammit, Cass… You know I hate it when you do that! » he said, straightening his back.  
Castiel put out a smile, although he was in pain and holding his ribs.  
« How are you holding up? »  
« Just fine » Castiel headed for the coffee machine.  
« Sit down… I’ll take care of it » Dean said as he rose from his chair.  
« Dean » Castiel turned around and looked daggers at him.  
« That’s enough. I told you I’m fine. So gimme a break and let me do this by myself, ok? »  
« But... »  
« SIT DOWN! » Castiel ordered him, frowning.  
« All right, chill out » Dean grumbled.  
Castiel poured himself some coffee and sat on the chair facing Dean. He couldn’t help wincing. Dean stared at him.  
Castiel had been released about a week before. Dr Gabriel was pleased with the clinical course and had authorized his patient to go back home provided he would avoid all unnecessary efforts for a while.  
Castiel promised he’d rather comply with any recommendation than stay one more week in this hospital room... Besides, Dean had sworn to look after him.  
« I don’t doubt it for a second» the doctor had replied with a smile.  
 

Castiel was working as a computer specialist. Thus, he managed to reorganize his working time and work from home on minor projects... Greg came every other day, or set up video conferences. No matter what, since the aggression, he was feeling guilty.  
The men who had brutally assaulted his friend and colleague had managed to attend the exhibition without clearance. He was mad at himself for lacking attention and for the consequences it had entailed.  
Castiel tried to convince him it wasn’t his fault, yet Greg was worrying sick.  
Besides, the police investigation was leading nowhere. A first name, a few descriptions were obviously not enough to build up a case. The police officers suggested that the perpetrators were most probably from out of town.  
« Sounds like you don’t give a shit » Dean was really pissed.  
« Mr Winchester, rest assured that we are doing everything we can to find them ; you need to be aware that we are dealing with dozens of cases like this every week.»  
« That’s because you suck at doing your job properly... When I fix a car, it doesn’t show up again the week after. »  
Castiel did his best to calm him down, in vain; Dean was furious. Mad at the police but also mad at Castiel who seemed to step back a bit too much.  
« Dammit Cass! They could’ve killed you!… The next victim may not be so lucky… We can’t just sit there and do nothing about it ! »

 

Dean watched him sip his coffee. Since the aggression, Castiel’s eyes were often out of focus and Dean didn’t like it. He wanted his friend start talking, expressing what he was felt inside, but Castiel was inevitably responding that he was fine. And the more he said it, the more Dean was convinced otherwise.  
He finally mentioned it to Balty, but the latter didn’t get more response from his friend. Castiel would simply refuse to talk, period.  
The only information they knew about the assault was in the police report they’d read; the rest was lost somewhere in their friend’s empty eyes.  
The only moments there seemed to be a shining light on his face was when the children were around, most probably because they were behaving with him as if nothing happened: Chadwick, because he was willingly hiding his feelings, which Dean didn’t like at all; and Jewel because Castiel was back home and in her mind, everything was back to normal.  
Jo kept driving the children to school, as Castiel couldn’t drive yet.  
She was feeling helpless, as a witness to the heavy silence that was undermining the bond within this ordinary family.  
She encouraged Bobby to spend the next week-end with them.

                                                                                                                                www

 

Dean caught him in a private conversation with Castiel more than once, and in those moments, he could see a faint smile on Castiel’s lips.  
« Bobby... How is he doing? What did he tell you? » Dean questioned him, feeling completely lost.  
« My boy, you need to learn that a frontal attack isn’t necessarily the best attitude to solve a problem... Castiel just went through an ordeal that hurt more than his body... If they had attacked him to rob him or because of a wrong word, he would have recovered already... He was assaulted because of what he is… because of his choices… He is both afraid and angry... He needs time to figure it all out... Speak with him about everything except this subject and you’ll see that he will open up, because he won’t be able to keep the distress locked inside for much longer... Trust me... Let him breathe... He knows he can count on you, he isn’t just ready yet, got it? »  
« I can’t stand watching him sinking like this, Bobby » he said, looking down.  
« I believe Castiel isn’t the only one who needs to talk... » He looked at Chadwick who was playing with Apache.  
« I know... But he’s as secretive as Cass »  
« Just as you are, for all that matters. »  
« Come again? »  
« Don’t try to fool me Dean, OK ? »  
« I’m so tired, Bobby » he said, leaning on the doorway.  
« I know, Son » he replied, putting a comforting hand on his shoulder.  
« Why don’t you come over next week-end ? To take your mind off things… »  
« Yeah... Maybe... I’ll think about it »  
« There’s nothing to think about!... I’ll deal with Castiel and convince him to come »  
« Bobby »  
« Don’t you -Bobby- me... Either you come to my place or I’ll drag your sorry ass myself»  
« Drag what, Uncle Bobby? » Jewel asked as she joined them in the kitchen.  
« Would you like to come over next week-end? »  
The little girl’s eyes started to sparkle.  
« Will I see Sally’s baby? »  
« Yes, you’ll see Sally’s baby. »  
« That’s great! » she said as she jumped in excitement. Jewel seemed to be the only one to be rejoice.  
Chadwick barely asked whether Apache would be part of the team.  
Bobby had to try four times before Castiel finally accepted his invitation.  
Balty wouldn’t be part of the journey... He had to work.  
« I’d like to point out that I don’t make a living with my gorgeous body only, unlike certain people like to imagine » he argued with a wink at Dean.  
« Who ever talked about a gorgeous body? » Dean snapped back, wide-eyed.  
« If you want, I can show you my beautiful body right now » he said as he started to undress and get rid of his shoes, launching them across the room.  
For the first time in weeks, there were laughters in the house. Even Castiel couldn’t resist smiling at his lover’s ramblings.  
 

Later that day, Balty sat next to Castiel on the couch, in his apartment.  
« Why don’t you talk to me, Baby? » He said, taking him in his embrace.  
« Because there’s nothing to say » Castiel answered in his low voice.  
Balty kissed him on the forehead as he gently forced him to lay down.  
« If I can’t make you speak to me, at least let me make you scream » he smiled as he unbuttoned his pants and lowered his hand towards his crotch.  
« Balty...No » he said, raising his chin. « Not tonight... All I want right now is to be in your arms» Castiel’s eyes were pleading.  
« As you wish, Babe » Though Balty’s voice was filled with anxiety.  
« Cassie ? » He started as he laid down next to him with precaution, trying not to hurt him.  
« Hmmm»  
« Did they … I mean… they… » He had to know the truth, but he was scared to hear the answer.  
« No, Balty »  
« Can you swear it ? »  
« I swear »  
« On the children’s head? »  
« Balty... What did I tell you about this ? » He smiled a faint smile.  
« I beg you, Cassie, swear on their lives » Anxiety filled his eyes.  
« I swear on the children’s lives » he sworn with a kiss.  
« If they had, I’d have hunted them across the Earth and made them eat their own balls. I swear on my life »  
« Is that how much you value your own life ? » Castiel was trying to be a little ironic.  
« It’s not funny »  
« I know » Castiel’s smile was now filled with sadness again.  
They remained silent for a while.  
« I changed my mind. Why don’t you try to make me scream ? » he said as he planted a butterfly kiss on his lips.  
Balty rose on one elbow.  
« Cassie ? »  
« I want it, Balty... I swear I do » he caressed his cheek.  
Castiel let Balty love him and when he reached his own climax, something broke down deep inside, he didn’t scream, he just allowed one tear run down his face.  
Balty cradled him until Castiel finally fell asleep in his arms.  
   
                                                                                                                             www

 

He woke up early in the morning; he wanted to speak to Dean… He knew he was anxious too about what happened.  
« Dean »  
« Balty ? Early bird today! Want some coffee? »  
« Yeah, thanks. I have an appointment at 10 a.m.. I just wanted to talk to you before leaving. »  
Balty saw in Dean’s eyes he knew what was coming.  
He told him about the previous night and saw Dean was relieved to hear about a certain thing...  
« Dammit !» he said, leaning on the back of his chair. « Thanks, Balty »  
« I’ve never felt so afraid in my whole life while waiting for an answer » the latter said, staring at his coffee cup.  
« Balty? »  
« Yes ?» he raised his eyes  
« Why don’t you tell him? »  
« Tell him what ? »  
« That you love him, you jerk ! »  
Balty would have loved to make fun on the subject, as he was used to, but this time, his heart wasn’t really up to it.  
« He deserves someone better than me…I’m not the faithful type, I’m addicted to sex and all the fun with different types of pleasures and partners... I guess that’s me, right ? »  
« But you do love him, do you ? »  
He had this little nervous giggle.  
« In my own way… Sounds silly, doesn’t it ? » He sighed.  
« No... It’s just… a pity. »  
They stared at each other. Balty was about to tell him the whole truth but somehow he managed to keep it for himself.  
« He’s the one-man kind of guy» he just said.  
« Sounds weird, put it like that » Dean smiled and drank his coffee.  
« Idiot ! » Balty thought, staring at him.

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Bobby’s farm wasn’t such a big compound. He had a henhouse, a few cows, a bull and an old retired draft horse. He also had a corn field stretching up the hills surrounding the valley.  
Dean parked the Impala in front of the house. Jack, the old Rottweiler barked a happy welcome and suddenly froze the moment it saw Apache jumping out of the car.  
Dean watched as the dogs ran away together... He looked at the vast landscape in front of him and smiled. He was a genuine city boy, but on occasions he enjoyed spending time at Bobby’s farm... Like an echo of the teenager he once was.  
The door opened and the old man stepped out to greet them.  
« How was your trip ? »  
« Nice... » Dean said as he helped Castiel step out of the car.  
He’d felt the pain waking up in his ribs during the trip, but hadn’t complained although Dean could see it on his face.  
« Are you OK ? »  
« I’m fine » he replied as he leaned on Dean’s arm for a brief moment.  
Dean watched him walk the steps and sighed. Castiel had been a lot quieter lately. Dean was about to burst out and thought he owed Bobby a lot for inviting them for the week-end... He looked at the far away hills and promised himself he would go to the top the next day, to clear his head. He needed it.  
Jewel woke him up from his reverie.  
« Daddy… Can you help me get my suitcase ? And then I can go with Bobby to see Sally’s baby.»  
Sally was Bobby’s favorite cow, his eldest dairy cow. She had recently given birth and Jewel was eager to see the newborn.  
It was a female and Bobby had asked Jewel to find a name for her as she was its official godmother. The little girl had been thinking about it the whole week and although she had an idea, she wouldn’t tell anyone yet.  
Surprisingly, Chadwick seemed to enjoy being at the farm, because the tension he felt at home was more than he could bear since Castiel’s return.  
Dean watched him walk to the house and slowly climb the steps. Bobby was also watching the boy and saw the contained anger in his eyes. He nibbled his lip. This family was losing its way and he made the wish that they would enjoy the week-end together and find themselves again.  
He even thought of tampering the Impala’s engine to force them to stay until everything was said and done...  
« Idjit » he grumbled for himself.

Castiel was allocated the room downstairs ; it used to be Jo’s room, and sometimes Dean’s ; the kids were allocated the one in the attic and Dean was to occupy the spare room on the first floor…  
Dean put Castiel’s bag on the bed. The latter was standing next to the window, staring outside.  
« Do you need anything else? »  
« No, Dean, that’s all. Thanks » Dean was surprised by the gentle tone of his voice.  
« I’d forgotten who beautiful it was here. And peaceful » Castiel said in the same tone.  
Dean walked towards him.  
« I have wonderful memories of this place… Tomorrow I’ll show you a nice spot…I don’t think I’ve shown you that one yet »  
« That’d be a good idea»  
Dean couldn’t help but smile.  
« Have I said something funny ? » He frowned.  
« No... I’m just happy to be here. With you, Cass. That’s all ».  
« I’m fine, Dean... So stop worrying about me »  
« Sorry...I can’t help it... Because I know you better than I’ll ever know myself and I know that you’re not all right. »  
Castiel lowered his eyes.  
« I just want you to know that I’ll be there if you need me.»  
« I know… Thanks, Dean »  
Dean stopped when he reached the door and turned around.  
« We miss you, Cass… I miss you. »  
Castiel heard the door close on Dean and looked up at the hills on the horizon. The tears came out.  
   
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Jewel accompanied Bobby to the stable... She had put on short pants and a pink T-shirt and was running ahead of Bobby.  
« Hurry up! »  
« Show some respect for an old man, young lady… Don’t be so hasty » he said adjusting his cap.  
« Have you found a name yet ? »  
« No, not yet » she lied, looking down.  
« Jewel ! » He grabbed her chin and forced her to look up.  
« May I give her Mom’s name ? »  
Bobby kneeled in front of her and took her by the shoulders.  
« That’s a great idea, Sweetie. »  
« Really ? » She was all smiles.  
« Yes, I think it’s beautiful... C’mon…Sally is impatient to introduce you to your adoptive protégée» he said as he stood up with difficulty.  
   
   
Chadwick had changed and joined them in the living room. Dean was sitting in the armchair, sipping a beer. Castiel was installed on the couch, with his back to the door.  
« Pa’ ? »  
« Yes ? »  
« Can I go for a ride on my bike ?»  
« What time is it ? »  
« 5 o’clock »  
« Sure, why not, as long as you’re back for supper.»  
« Cool.... Thanks, Pa’»  
« Don’t forget your helmet » Castiel added.  
For the first time, Dean saw a dark sparkle in his eyes and thought « not him… not that »  
Chadwick looked down.  
« I’m gonna fetch it » he stood up and left the room.  
Castiel knew...  
« It’s my fault »  
« What do you mean ? » Dean couldn’t hide his surprise.  
« Nothing » he said, leaving the room.  
Dean buried his face in his hands... He felt so helpless as he witnessed his family falling apart. His heart was filled with anger, rage, despair. These guys had almost destroyed his friend and as a consequence the house of cards of their lives was tumbling down as well.  
Bobby watched him from the entrance hall. Jewel had stayed with Tessa. He had bumped into Chadwick who was heading straight to the hills, the wind whipping against his hair.  
« Dean » he started as he slowly walked in.  
« My family’s gonna collapse, Bobby, and there is nothing I can do about it » Dean said, pulling his hair.  
« I swear to God if I ever come across these bastards, I’m gonna kill ‘em »  
Bobby kneeled in front of Dean and repeated the same gestures he had done with his daughter a few minutes before. Hands on the shoulders, he forced him to look up.  
« I forbid you to let go, Dean Winchester… Do you hear me ?... Don’t you ever let these two assholes ruin everything, all right ? Do you remember how long you withdrew into yourself after Tessa passed away ?...7 months, Dean… 7 months !.... And you all survived this, more bonded than ever.... This is just one more trial you’ll overcome, and you’ll be stronger than before… All you need is a bit of patience because he went through a lot and right now, he has no clue as to how to express it... You, more than anyone, should know ; after all, you kept your pain down deep inside for so long»  
« Bobby... I don’t know what to do anymore.... The way Chad is looking at him... With so much hate… Why ? »  
« Because he loves Castiel and he doesn’t want to love him anymore… He is afraid… He’s scared to death to imagine Castiel could die too and leave him, as his mother did… We don’t cry for someone we don’t care about, ya know.»  
They heard a snap. Dean and Bobby looked at the door. Chadwick was standing there.  
« Chad ? » Dean stood up immediately.  
« I… I had… I forgot my helmet » the young boy stammered.  
« Chad »  
« Daddy… I’m sorry… I’m so sorry ! »  
Dean took him in his arms in desperation.  
« We’re gonna make it, Son… Don’t worry »  
« I want the old Castiel to come back to us… I want him back » the boy cried, holding tight against Dean’s chest.  
« He’s not gone, Chad… He’s still here. He’s just a little lost but we’re there for him. We’re gonna help him » Dean said, gently pushing away his son to look at him.  
He caressed his boy’s tears away.  
« Are you up to it ? »  
« Yes » the boy nodded.  
« I don’t want you to keep all this to yourself, Chad… If you need to talk, I’m here and if you don’t wanna talk to me, you can talk to Bobby or Jo or John… You needn’t suffer in silence… You’re my son… Don’t you ever forget that… I love you… And I’ll always be there for you and your sister. »  
« I know, Pa’»  
« We’re gonna make it » Dean said, pulling him against him again, resting his chin on his boy’s head.  
Bobby smiled... 2 out of 3.... But the hardest was yet to come....  
   
Castiel had swallowed a couple of painkillers and was sleeping on his bed.  
« If I see you again, I’ll bleed you to death... » the voice shouted in an echo. The man’s face came closer to his and spat in his mouth.  
He woke up with a start and winced because of the pain.  
Every night or each time he was trying to get some rest, the same nightmare would sneak in over and over again...  
There was a knock at the door.  
« Come in » he said in a hoarse voice.  
« Castiel... Supper’s ready, you’re coming ? » Chadwick was smiling at him.  
« I’ll be right there » Castiel returned her smile.  
   
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Jewel talked about nothing but Tessa, Chadwick was telling about his bike trips plan and Dean informed everyone that they wouldn’t attend lunch the next day.  
« What’s your excuse ? » Bobby pretended to be angry.  
« I’m gonna take him to my little favorite spot. »  
« Are you sure it’s reasonable, he’s still fragile » Bobby was worried.  
« The road isn’t that steep and we’ll take our time. If it’s too hard, we’ll turn around... OK? Cass?»  
« I’ll be fine... I can manage and besides, it’ll do me good... I need to take my mind off things and breathe some fresh air »  
« And do me a favor, take your medication, capice? » Bobby ordered as he motioned for a mashed potatoes refill.  
« That was my intention» Castiel smiled.  
« I’ll prepare sandwiches to take away… and I can give you an old backpack of mine »  
« Thanks Bobby »  
« What are we going to do tomorrow, Uncle Bobby? » Jewel asked.  
« I’ll teach you how to milk a cow and clean the henhouse… How’s that? »  
« Yessssss, and we’ll drive the tractor? »  
« If we have time… If not we’ll do that on Sunday, I promise »  
« I like to come here… We don’t come enough» Jewel pouted.  
« First, we should be invited more often» Dean’s tone was a bit ironic.  
« Since when do you need an invitation? And watch your mouth, will you? Or I could start telling stories about you which you wouldn’t be proud of… SPIDER IN THE HOLE! »  
« Gimme a break, will you ? Because of the lamp reflection, its shadow looked enormous »  
« It was a tiny little one no bigger than this» Bobby said to Jewel, showing the tip of his little finger.  
« Cut it out! » Dean was a bit pissed.  
« He screamed that there was a monster in his room…A monster… that’s a joke! »  
Jewel started to laugh.  
« Go ahead and laugh it up, you morons » He said, dropping his fork in the plate.  
« So Dean Winchester is afraid of spiders, huh? » Castiel smiled.  
« You too, traitor? Why not, get on with it! »

The rest of the evening was more relaxed… The tension was all gone… Another house, another horizon, another way of looking at everything.  
Castiel went to bed first. Then Jewel. Chadwick was playing on his PSP on the stoop, Jack and Apache sitting at his feet… Nothing was disturbing the quiet atmosphere of the evening but the crispy sound of bugs as they hit the lamp.  
Dean helped Bobby clean the dishes and the kitchen.  
« Thanks »  
« What for? »  
« For this week-end... For being there for us… it’s been a while since I spent such a nice evening… I miss it, Bobby, you have no idea… But tonight, I saw Chadwick and Jewel laughing, I saw a sparkle in Castiel’s eyes… You’re right, I think we’re gonna make it »  
« I never doubted it, Son. »  
   
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The morning after, Dean wanted to wake up Castiel and was surprised to see he was already dressed.  
« I hate these chickens » he said as he was putting his boots on. « Don’t they ever sleep? »  
« Probably not » Dean answered with a big smile. « Ready for the day? »  
« Yes… Ready as I’ll ever be» Castiel replied. He stood up, holding his ribs.  
« You sure? »  
« Certain » he patted his arm.  
« Let’s go, Rancher Dean »  
Two cups of coffee and several slices of toasted bread later, they were on their way to the hills, looking down the valley.  
Bobby watched them leave and adjusted his cap.  
   
They had to pause several time before reaching their final destination. One lacked the exercise, the other one was wounded.  
« It’s beautiful » Castiel claimed looking at the farm nested down the valley.  
« We should come here more often, Jewel’s right. »  
« Children are often right » Castiel said as he closed his flask.  
« Especially mine »  
« Yeah, especially ours » Castiel corrected as he stood up from the old root he had used as a bench.  
« They love you, you know » Dean whispered.  
« Not as much as I love them » Castiel said as he resumed his walk.  
They marched for several hours, exchanging a few words during pauses only. Castiel looked more relaxed and for Dean, that was almost enough… It was already more than he had hoped for.  
The sun was high in the sky and the temperature was pleasant. The soft breeze blowing across the hill made their ascension easier.  
However, Castiel started to make faces a bit more often.  
« Let’s make a pause and have a bite to eat » Dean proposed.  
« Good idea »  
They sat on rocks.  
« Here you go » he extended a sandwich.  
« Don’t forget your medication »  
« I wish I could stop taking them » Castiel balked.  
« A few more days and then you’re done with them »  
« Obviously. But in the meantime, they remind me of … » he stopped in the middle of his sentence and looked down.  
« What is it, Cass? »  
« Nothing » Castiel said as he took a bite out of his sandwich.  
Dean didn’t insist but kept staring at Castiel.  
They ate in silence... And resumed their walk 20 minutes later.  
« It’s right behind that hill, you’ll see, it’s beautiful » Dean said as he walked faster.  
Castiel watched him, standing straight at the top of the hill.  
Dean grabbed his hand and helped him up.  
« Wow» Castiel exclaimed.  
A splendid blue lake stretched down a little creek right in front of him.  
« It’s magnificent »  
« I told you… C’mon… I’ll help you down... The first steps may be a little hazardous »  
Castiel almost tripped several times but Dean’s hand was firm.  
When they reached the middle of the slope, he went by himself, hypnotized by the beauty of the landscape.

They sat on the ground, each one leaning against a tree, and remained silent, admiring the landscape in front of them.  
« Thanks »  
« Don’t mention it… I knew you’d love it. »  
« I mean… thank you » Castiel repeated, stretching one leg and bending the other to relieve the pain.  
« Cass? »  
« I know I haven’t been easy-going lately… I know that… I… » he was looking for the proper words to say.  
« Cass... You don’t need to find excuses. »  
« I was… I was so scared, Dean… I thought I was gonna die… I could hear the cracking sounds in my bones… I… they wanted to kill me… they said… they were gonna kill me »  
Dean leaned closer, his shoulder against Castiel’s.  
« Why, Dean? Why? What did I do wrong? »  
« Nothing at all, Cass… You haven’t done anything wrong… Don’t try to find an explanation because there is none… if it hadn’t been you, they would have picked another guy, a Jew, an Arab, an old person, a nerd, anyone… They had a thousand reasons to express their hate and no reason to be full of hatred »  
« I tried to defend myself but I… I… » he was out of breath.  
Dean leaned harder against him, feeling Castiel was slowly letting go.  
« Each insult was followed by a blow… They spat on me, Dean… He… he... »  
One single tear ran down his cheek, as his face was wrinkled with contained anger.  
« He peed on me and spat on me and told me I was worth less than the johns I was fucked in »  
« Dammit Cass… Why didn’t you tell me all this before? » Dean turned to him, his face so distraught.  
« I felt so ashamed… I couldn’t stop them from doing what they did… I felt so humiliated, so dirty »  
« There was nothing you could do against the two of them… They’re nothing but cowards… You don’t have to blame yourself… You’re alive; you’re stronger than them, stronger then their hatred. »  
« Dean » Castiel looked at the lake in front of them and let the tears flow, leaning on his bended leg.  
« I’m here » Dean whispered as he moved a bit closer and took him in his arms, feeling clumsy.  
« We’ll pull through this, Cass… We always have » Dean whispered holding him tight against his chest.  
« Each time I close my eyes, I can see them… they’re haunting me…It’s like I’m never gonna wake up from this nightmare » he said, wiping the tears away from his face… feeling angry at himself for having collapsed.  
« Cass » Dean’s voice was filled with powerful emotion.  
« If… if that man hadn’t been… there… they would have… the guy was about to pull down his pants… they would have done it, Dean. » Castiel said, breathing deeply and hoping the lump in his throat would disappear.  
He lowered his head and let it rest on Dean’s shoulder. He tightened his embrace, leaning on the tree behind him. No more personal space.

Castiel pulled away after a few minutes.  
They remained silent for a long while, looking at the sun rays reflecting on the surface of the lake. Dean’s hand was resting on his friend’s shoulder. Castiel leaning on Dean’s shoulder. Soon the tears dried up, and colors came back on Castiel’s face...  
   
They came home late in the afternoon… Castiel hadn’t said a word during the whole trip back. Dean was smiling at him from time to time and Castiel was returning the smile.  
When they were close to the farm, Castiel stopped Dean.  
« Thanks… thanks for being there for me »  
Dean had no idea what to say. “You’re welcome” would have sounded so futile...  
« How do you feel? »  
« Empty »  
« You should talk to someone, Cass… I mean a specialist… someone who could help you coping with all this »  
« I don’t need to... I already have a family to help me… I have you » he said, looking at him in the eye.  
« Will that be enough? »  
He smiled.  
« I’m starving » Castiel turned around and went into the house. Dean let out a sigh...

 

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Castiel never mentioned the assault again, neither to Dean nor anyone else...  
There was only one last thing he had to do when he was back home… to find the man who had saved him and thank him for what he had done...  
The rest of the week-end went nice and smooth. Castiel tried to display a good humor, and so did the children...  
Dean watched him speak with Bobby yet he didn’t try to interfere.  
They promised to come back more often....  
Bobby watched them leave… he raised his eyes to the skies … and smiled.  
   
Dean let the back door leading to the garden wide open to air the house. He was standing on the steps outside when Castiel joined him.  
« It’s good to be back home »  
« You mean that, Cass? »  
« I mean it, Dean... I feel better, you know » he said with a genuine smile. This time, Dean believed him.  
Nothing could destroy his family…. It was an extraordinary one.


	10. Black horse part one

They were all gathered around the breakfast table when Balty made an entrance, dressed in a plain white singlet and black skin-thight shorts, waving his mobile phone over his head.  
« Gooooood neeeews my beloved family! » The kids were looking at him in amusement.  
« Balty, please! » Castiel sighed, observing his companion’s outfit in detail.  
« What are you looking at ? At least this one isn’t fuchsia » Balty replied looking down at his shorts.  
« Sit down and eat your breakfast, smart ass » Castiel retorted, pulling out a chair for him.  
« Get this, I’ve got a huge surprise for you, guys»  
« Why do I suddenly fear the worst ? » Dean sighed, grabbing his coffee cup.  
« Don’t be such a party-pooper… I’m sure the kids are gonna love this.» He said, winking at them.  
« They love everything you do, anyway » Castiel answered, as he stood up to pour him some coffee.  
« Obviously… I’m the one and only Balty! » he claimed, pointing his mobile at his own chest. Jewel couldn’t help laughing.  
« All right now… Why don’t you tell us what this is all about, so we can finish our breakfast in peace, Mr Unique » Dean grumbled.  
« Hey, would you listen to this, Mr Bad Temper ! I can’t figure out how you can stand this all day long» Balty asked Castiel, who put the cup in front of him and sat down again.  
« Thanks, Babe » he smiled at him.  
He took a sip and saw they were all staring at him, in expectation.  
« So, what’s the good news ? » Jewel asked, tired of the long silence.  
Balty put his cup back on the table. His smiled faded somehow as he looked at Castiel and Dean.  
« We all know that the last few weeks have been a little rough… well… »  
Dean looked down… Castiel put butter on his toasted bread without a word.  
« So I thought there was the perfect moment for your guys to take your mind off things »  
Dean frowned.  
« What are you up to this time ? »  
« Why are you being so aggressive ? » Balty pretended to be offended. “ I just wanted to offer you the opportunity to have the time of your life… to help you… » He sighed  
« To help you get … reunited somehow. »  
« We were never apart.» Castiel whispered, looking at him, his eyes filled with so much tenderness...

 

He knew that Balty had been overwhelmed by the recent events : and if Castiel considered it was all over for him, it wasn’t the case for the others around the table.  
Balty had suffered more than he would admit to feel so helpless when Castiel was in pain.  
Dean felt it had been the worst hardship he had gone through since Tessa’s death.  
For the kids, it sounded like something beyond comprehension... In their eyes, Castiel was their friend, their everyday companion, a true member of the family ; the assault had shocked them more than they could tell because they didn’t understand why being Balty’s lover was a bad thing... They didn’t understand why loving a man could be bad, all in all… They had witnessed this relation for years and they had always found it normal...  
The assault had brought up many questions, yet it hadn’t changed the way they loved Castiel, quite the opposite ; the ordeal had almost destroyed their family, but today they were closer than ever.  
Whatever other people might think, they were happy together and no one, nothing would ever change that....  
Chadwick and Jewel had made a promise to stick to just that when they came back from Bobby’s.  
Castiel would never leave… He would never suffer again… They would see to it.  
   
« So… are you done keeping us in the dark or what ?» Dean was getting impatient. « In about an hour, I gotta drive the kids. »  
« You’re definitely not an early bird, are you? » Balty sighed, rolling his eyes. « All right… I’m not gonna keep you waiting any longer… » he turned to the kids, less certain it would please Dean and above all, Castiel.  
« As you know, in three weeks, you’re gonna have several days off and you’ve deserved them for sure… » he started with a wink. « How would you like to spend a few days in a real ranch? »  
« A ranch ? » Chadwick said real loud, then suddenly his face lightened up. « You mean, for real, with horses ? »  
« Yeah... For real, with real cowboys in sexy skin-tight pants »  
« Balty, you can skip the details » Dean corrected. « You could have at least talked to me about this before spreading the news. » he went on, unable to hide a slight irritation.  
« That’s what I’m doing right now, isn’t it ? » Balty answered, with a fake expression of surprise. « I just got the confirmation… I needed to be sure before making a promise I couldn’t keep, don’t you agree? »  
« Obviously ! I think you wanted to present this as a done deal !»  
« Of course not...» he said, raising an eyebrow, pretending to be offended.  
« Balty » Dean was staring daggers at him.  
« Anyway, I need to give an official confirmation today… It’s up to you, guys… But I think that’ll do you good… A family week-end, far from the usual buzz » he finished his sentence in a sigh, looking down.  
« A ranch » Castiel’s face was pale. « With horses ? »  
« Of course, can you imagine a ranch without horses? » Balty started to laugh.  
« But... » Castiel’s face was even more pale.  
« Yeah, I know, Babe, but you need to move on » his tone had changed and Castiel understood the allusion, as did Dean, or so he thought he had.  
As for the children, they were really excited.  
« Oh Dad, please say yes… Please… pretty please » Chadwick was begging. « We haven’t had a break since… since Mom’s gone » he went on, lowering his voice.

Dean was about to retort, but realized they hadn’t been on holidays for years, except a few days of camping, which didn’t really count as holidays...  
Balty was right of course, they needed to step back. Even if life had resumed its natural course, even if Castiel’s wounds had healed, even if they had found their good old friend back, Dean felt there were still traces after several weeks, even if Castiel hadn’t spoken about it since his last talk at Bobby’s.  
« Cass ? »  
« What ? » his eyes made intense contact with Dean’s.  
« Chad’s right, ya know. Could be good for us all, don’t you think ? »  
« I.. » he looked down. « As you wish » he finally granted.  
« No, Cass » Dean said, leaning towards him. «  We are a family, we take decisions as a family, all together… If you don’t wanna go, so be it… Period »  
« No, that’s fine... Balty’s right, it could be good for us all » he said, granting Dean a genuine smile.  
They remained staring at each other for a short while, which seemed like an eternity to the others.  
« Would you two like to be alone ? » Balty finally said.  
« Let’s go to that ranch» Dean approved, looking away from his friend, who felt a bit lost.  
The children were so excited that they asked a million questions to Balty, although he couldn’t answer each one of them.  
« Listen, my little angels, the only times I went there, I wasn’t actually offered a guided tour of the place, OK ? »  
« Balty ! » Dean scolded, to prevent him from telling anything more in front of his kids.  
« So what? That’s the truth… I was riding a different kind of horse… And I can guarantee that it was worth all the rodeos in the world » he said, with a blissful smile, his head resting on his hands, elbows on the table.  
« BALTY !! » Dean was really mad at him now, even if the others were laughing out loud.  
« I haven’t said anything wrong.» Balty said, falsely offended. « You’re the one with a twisted mind » He said, frowning.  
One look at Castiel and he changed the subject.  
« So, may I tell my friend that it’s a done deal ? »  
« Daddyyyyy... Please say yes» Jewel was now begging too.  
« Cass ? »  
The latter nodded his approval.  
« All right, it’s settled then… You now need to tell me how much this is gonna cost us » Dean sighed.  
« Nada » Balty answered. « I’m an excellent rider…. » he added, with a mischievous glance.  
« You’ll just have to pack the proper outfit, to resemble cowboys… and cowgirls of course » he added, looking at Jewel.  
« OK, kids, we’ll talk about this later… For now, go pack your things, you’re gonna be late for your dance class »  
The children thanked Balty enthusiastically and ran out of the kitchen.  
   
Balty turned to Dean and looked down.  
« You’re mad at me, aren’t you ? I know I tricked you in front of the kids… I should have talked to you before, but when Byron made me that offer this morning, I admit I got a bit carried away»  
Dean stared at him, sipping his coffee, feeling Castiel’s eyes on him.  
« Why would I be mad at you, Balty? I can’t find a way to thank you for all you’ve done for our family lately… Of course, you’re a great guy with the manners of a true sex maniac most of the time, but this family wouldn’t be what it is without you » he added as Balty’s blue eyes met his.  
« Than... Thank you » Balty suddenly mumbled. He stood up, obviously moved by Dean’s words.  
« Yet I should be the one to thank you for letting me be part of your family in the first place. »  
Dean smiled, stood up and started to clean the table. He stored the butter and the milk back in the fridge.  
« Gotta go… See you tonight ? » Balty said, giving Castiel a furtive kiss on the lips.  
« I’ll be waiting for you » Castiel said as he stood up too.  
« I’ll keep you posted as soon as I get news from the ranch » Balty prepared to leave.  
« Balty ? » Dean turned around and called him.  
« Yes ? »  
« Thanks. »  
« You’re welcome, sweetheart» he said, picking up his phone and walking out the kitchen.  
« You sure drew the lucky number with this guy » Dean said to Castiel.  
 

  
www

  
   
Later in the evening that same day, Balty told them their reservation had been confirmed at the «Black Horse » ranch for the next holidays.  
He also said he wouldn’t join them there...  
« Bryan invited me to travel on the Pacific Coast Highway with him... I’m not sure we’ll see a lot of it, but anyway… I’ve always dreamed of seeing it, so I jumped at the opportunity… No pun intended » he added at once, as he saw Dean’s angry look.  
Castiel suspected Balty had planned everything in advance even though the latter denied, claiming it was Bryan’s idea and that he had nothing to do with it.  
« His brother will take care of you… You’ll see… Garth is a great guy »  
« Garth ? » Dean made a face. « What kind of a stupid name is that?» He sounded a bit doubtful.  
« Don’t be so negative, sweetheart, you’re gonna love him, he’s an angel and he’s gonna take so good care of you »  
« Oh Lord… have mercy on us all » Dean said, raising his eyes and walking out the living room.

Castiel stared at Balty.  
« What ? Does my nose bleed or something ? » he asked, checking with the tip of his fingers, just in case, pretending to be panicked.  
«Thanks, Balty » Castiel said, gently putting the palm of his hand on his friend’s cheek.  
« You’re welcome » his face was serious again. « I only want what’s best for you, you know that, right ? »  
« Yes, I know, but would you stop doing this ?» he answered, looking down, but keeping his hand on his face.  
« Goddammit, Babe, it’s so obvious.... Why are you doing this to yourself ? » he was a bit dismayed.  
« Because it’s Dean» Castiel replied with a faint smile. « .... and he’ll never cross that line, because he doesn’t even think about it… he doesn’t love me, Balty, don’t you understand ? » he went on, absent-mindedly caressing his cheek with his thumb.  
«But I’ll be all right. As long as I can stay with them… with him... »  
« It’d be so… » Balty sighed, putting his hand on Castiel’s, and never finished his sentence.  
The words were useless between them.  
« I know what you mean, but I’ve learned to live with it for the last ten years » he pulled him closer and kissed him tenderly.  
Dean came back to the kitchen, holding a beer and saw them… He wished he’d been able to turn away but instead, he remained still and watched them kiss, and for the first time since he knew Castiel and Balty, he didn’t feel embarrassed nor uncomfortable.  
« Hey, look who loves a good peep show ? » Balty stared at Dean.  
« I… I was… I mean…» Dean was stammering. « I was just thinking… » he replied, almost aggressively, blaming himself for being caught in the act.  
« What is it ? » Balty said, pulling away from Castiel who felt embarrassed too.  
« There is a slight problem… The kids don’t know how to ride horses» Dean bluntly uttered.  
« So what ? They’ll learn » Balty smiled a mischievous smile, persuaded Dean had just found an excuse for his untimely arrival.  
« You know it’s a ranch, right ? And Cassie will be delighted to teach them»  
« Cass ? ... I didn’t know you could ride. » Dean couldn’t hide his surprise as he looked away from Balty. « You never told me ! »  
« That was a long time ago.. in another lifetime » Castiel whispered, staring at his feet.  
Balty suddenly felt uneasy. Dean’s eyes went from one to the other.  
« Did I miss the boat ? »  
« Actually, you missed the whole fleet, honey » Balty retorted with a wicked smile.  
« Cassie went horse-riding for more than two years… anyway, it’s not as if he had... »  
« BALTY ! » Castiel shouted. He was furious.  
« Sorry » Balty’s voice was nothing more than a whisper.  
« It just came out... I’d better go upstairs… I’ve said too much already.»  
« Yeah, why don’t you do that?» Castiel was really angry. Dean had never seen that kind of reaction and just stood there, open-mouthed.

Castiel looked at Balty as he left without a word, feeling Dean’s eyes on him.  
« Don’t ask. I don’t wanna talk about it. » He said in a gentle yet firm tone.  
« I’m not asking anything, Cass. »  
« I’ll teach the children how to ride… It’s been more than ten years but I guess it’s like the bicycle, once you’ve learned… » he tried to sound amused, but it didn’t sound right.  
« Yeah, I … I guess so… » Dean still felt a bit perplexed by Castiel’s reaction towards Balty.  
« Besides, the kids aren’t the only ones who need to learn » Dean added, rubbing the back of his neck, suddenly feeling embarrassed.  
«I thought you knew how to ride horses ».  
« Sort of… I was six… and they weren’t really horses anyway.»  
«I see. » Castiel’s smile was now a bit ironic.  
« Don’t fuck with me, OK ? » he said pointing his finger at him. « I was just a little boy and they looked very big to me back then » He was just trying to find an excuse.  
« Shetland ponies, I suppose ? » Castiel tried to make a guess, with a genuine smile this time.  
« Go ahead, have fun. »  
« It’ll be my pleasure. »  
« What? » Dean raised an eyebrow.  
« I’ll be pleased to teach you how to ride» he smiled, as Dean had been reacting to his previous remark.  
« Oh, yeah, great. We now need to find all what’s necessary. I don’t know what kind of equipment we’re gonna need» he said, feeling nervous and rubbing his cheek.  
«Good pants and good boots and that’s it.»  
« I’ve always dreamed of wearing a real cowboy hat » Dean was smiling a blissful smile.  
« We’ll surely find one for you, John Wyne »  
« John Wayne... » Dean held his nose, feeling outraged.  
« It’s been ten years and you still don’t know how to pronounce his name. You’re hopeless»  
« My apologies… I’ve always had trouble with this kind of references.»   
Dean watched him go upstairs... He remembered the dark look on his face when Balty had mentioned his past horse-riding classes… He hadn’t practiced for ten years, but it was easy to guess that it was related to the period he was living in New York and consequently, the years he was living with that companion he had always refused to talk about.  
All Dean knew about this relationship was that Castiel was to one to end it.  
Dean had tried to raise the subject several times but Castiel always terminated the conversation. Eventually Dean had given up for good...  
He walked to the couch, sighed, looked at his DVD collection and smiled.  
« What about watching a good “Rio Bravo”, huh? » he asked Apache, rubbing his hands in anticipated joy.  
One beer and two hours later, he was fast asleep on the couch, snoring like a baby, the dog sleeping at his feet.  
He dreamed of rides through the great plains of the Wild West, of saloons and gunshots...  
And of Castiel, pushing his Stetson up his forehead, his face getting extremely close to his own.  
« Dammit ! » he woke up with a start and almost spilled the rest of his beer. Apache jumped on his feet and sighed.  
Dean rubbed his face vigorously and started to laugh.  
« That’s what I get for playing peeping Tom » as he remembered the kiss between Castiel and Balty.

  
   
www

 

The next holidays became their favorite subject in the days that follow.  
Bobby gave them the address of a shop downtown they visited the very next Saturday.  
Dean parked the Impala in front of a saloon shop window; he was glowing... like a kid standing outside a candy store.  
He was the first to go in and almost bumped into a fake horse with all the proper equipment on it.  
« Oh My ! Would you look at that, kids ?» he pointed at the horse and granted them a big smile.  
« Dean... How old are you, man ? » Castiel teased him.  
« Dunno.... I feel like a kid again in here and I don’t give a damn » He disappeared in the back shop.  
« Castiel... » Jewel pulled his sleeve. « Will my horse be as big as this one ? » she looked a bit scared by the wooden replica in front of her.  
« No, Sweetie, you’ll be given a smaller one. This one is for Daddy » he gave her a half-smile, as he imagined Dean riding a big horse...  
« ...if he manages to remain on the saddle » he added.  
« I heard you ! » Dean retorted as he emerged from a hanging wardrobe.  
« Wow Pa’... Look at these boots ! » Chadwick was in awe in front of a pair of Sanchos.  
« Er… Chad... 250 dollars... I know you mean well, but ... »  
« I’ll promise I’ll wear ‘em all the time » he said in a begging tone .  
«I can suggest another pair, just like these ones, at a lower price, if you’re interested, young man»  
They all turned around and observed the man standing in front of them: he was wearing a complete Buffalo Bill outfit.  
Dean’s eyes were shining... The man was even wearing the same mustache and white goatee as the historical hero...  
« May I suggest these superb Kentucky boots ? » he said, pointing at a pair of brown boots.  
« They are hand-stitched. If you take care of them and of course, if you don’t grow too fast…» he paused and smiled « ...You’ll keep them for several years »  
His Texan accent sounded very convincing.  
« And how much do these beauties cost? » Dean inquired.  
« 150 dollars »  
« They are soooo beautiful... May I, Dad ? »  
« Cass ? »  
« They look durable... He could wear them throughout the winter season.»  
« Yeah, right... Chad, try them on first. »  
« Great… Thanks, Dad »  
« What about me ? » Jewel started to whine as she thought all the boots in the shops would be too big for her.  
« For the little lady, I have something perfect » the man, looking through his merchandise. «The sizes are indicated on the boxes... Help yourself, Son » he said as he walked away followed by Jewel and Castiel.  
« Would you mind if I buy the same model for me ? » Dean asked to his son.  
Chadwick looked at him, a bit surprised, and smiled.  
« That’d be cool. »  
   
« So ? What do you think ? » showing a pair of blue fringe boots.  
Jewel turned to Castiel and hesitated when she saw his face.  
« Don’t you like them ? »  
« Honestly? No » he said, raising an eyebrow.  
The man crouched down and searched deep down in the shelves.  
« What about these, young lady... »  
« Oooooh! » she reached for them, greedily.  
She started to play with the leather black fringe.  
She looked up at Castiel and saw the smile on his face.  
« How much for these? »  
« 90 dollars, as the little lady has small feet » he said, tenderly tapping her cheek, which made her laugh.  
« DEAN ?! »  
The latter walked – or seemed to stagger –towards him.  
« Are you OK ? » Castiel was worried now.  
« Sure ! Why d’you ask ? » Dean was faking surprise.  
« You don’t look like you can… » he broke off when he saw the boots Dean was wearing.  
« Never mind... Forget it» he let out a wry smile.  
« Would you be razzing me, by any chance? »  
« I wouldn’t dare »  
« I just need to get used to them» Dean seemed offended.  
« Yes… no… absolutely » he shared a friendly glance with the shop owner.  
« SHIT » He turned away, trying to contain his anger.  
« Dad, what about my boots ? » Jewel shouted.  
« They are beautiful... » he grumbled.  
« But you didn’t look at them! »  
« I did… They are very pretty» he sat on a stool and tried to take off his boots.  
   
« Shit ! ... » he tried to take off his boot, without success. « CASS? »  
« Have I heard the sound of your sweet voice calling me ? » Castiel said as he walked towards him.  
« C’mon, gimme a break ! » he dropped his foot on the floor and observed his son who was walking with the same model, yet the boy didn’t seem to suffer at all.  
« Help me get out of these instruments of torture or I’m gonna cut them up »  
Castiel was laughing...  
«Of course. Gimme your foot» He grabbed his leg, stretched it and blocked it between his knees, with his back to Dean.  
« Hang on and push with your other foot on my back».  
« What ? » Dean wasn’t sure he heard it right.  
« Use me as a lever… push me forward»  
« Dammit, Cass.... »  
« Stop whining and push... Think of John What’s-is-name »  
« Wayne...John Wayne...For Christ’s sake, Cass » he pushed as hard as he could.  
« CAAAASS...»  
He started to lose his balance and inevitably fell on his butt.  
One snap. Castiel turned around. He was all smiles.  
« One more to go! »  
« Would you happen to have a model with a side opening? » . Dean’s face was all red with shame and anger. The seller was smiling.  
« I suppose I’ll find what you’re looking for... John Wayne » Now he was laughing too.  
Castiel still had his old boots at home. They all headed to the hats department...  
« They are splendid » Dean observed them real close but refrained from touching.  
« This one would suit you very well » The seller gave him a black « Batson » Stetson.  
Dean turned a bit pale: it was the same hat as the one he was wearing in his weird dream the night before.  
« Er… no thanks. I’d prefer a brown one » he stammered.  
« I’ve got a beautiful Hackberry you’ll like for sure »  
He gave him a dark brown Stetson.  
« That’s so awesome !» Chadwick shout out  
« Really ? » Dean said, adjusting the hat on his head.  
« Daddy, you look very handsome » Jewel was smiling.  
« What do you think ? » he asked Castiel who was observing him, folding his arms across his chest.  
« You look like a real cow-boy... Suits you real nice » He took upon himself to smile, although he felt a twinge of regret.  
« Kids, do you also want one of these ? »  
« No... I’d prefer that shirt over there » Chadwick replied showing the one he had selected : a black shirt with white shoulder patch.  
« This young man has good taste »  
« This young man isn’t managing the budget » Dean immediately snapped back.  
« It’ll cost you less than buying him a hat » the seller replied at once, turning his back on him.  
« Gotcha ! » Castiel whispered.  
« Quit that !... » Dean was angry.  
   
"Aren’t you buying anything? " He asked Castiel, as they both leaned their back against the counter while Chadwick was trying the shirt on ...  
"I have everything I need."  
"You've kept everything? "Dean said timidly, avoiding his gaze.  
"No ... Just the boots and the bad memories", rising and walking towards Chadwick, cutting Dean’s attempt to find out more.  
"You look like an authentic cowboy."  
" For real ? " Chadwick was all smiles.  
"The girls will love it"  
"He doesn’t care ... He only loves that Lindsay" Jewel smiled.  
"Jewel!" he rolled his eyes at her.  
"So what, it’s the truth ..." she looked daggers at her brother.  
"Now, Casanova, go on and change so that we can pay for it all" Dean ruffled his hair, pushing him towards the changing room.  
"How much for all this?" he looked quite dismayed as he turned to the seller.  
"A lot," the latter laughed.  
"Look, to sugar the pill, I offer one of these to each one of you. Just pick one. It’s on the house ..." he took a box out from under his desk; it was filled with bandanas.  
"Help yourself." as he started to prepare the bill.  
"It’s very generous of you" Dean was laughing.  
Eventually, a few items were added on the list: a blue vest to put on top of a shirt for Jewel and a black leather belt for Castiel ...

  
   
www 

  
   
Dean put the kids to bed and joined Castiel in the living room. The latter was pensive, sitting on the couch..  
« You want some beer ? »  
« No, I’m fine... I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted. »  
« Cass ? »  
« Yes ? » he was already standing.  
« No... Nothing... Good night »  
« Night, Dean... See you tomorrow ? »  
« Yeah, see you tomorrow » he smiled at him.  
He took a beer, leaned on the sink and started to pet Apache, standing at his feet.  
Why did he feel so curious about his friend’s past, all of a sudden ? Why did he feel something had changed down deep inside, since the aggression?  
He took a sip of his beer. The dog was staring at him.  
« You wanna go for a walk ? » He put his beer on the counter.  
   
The morning after, a young woman tumbled in the garage, with greasy hands and a haggard face. Her car had just failed... Her eyes met Dean’s. She smiled. He smiled back.  
Her name was Lisa Braeden...

End of the chapter


	11. Back horse part II

 

As soon as they drove under the big wooden portal with the sign « Black Horse », somehow the ambiance changed in the car… They entered a new world… There was a lasting amazed smile on Dean’s face as he looked at the valley in front of them. The kids were staring through the window, admiring the giant cactus trees along the road and the endless stretches of green.  
« Look… Look, Jewel… Cows… Cows !».  
Longhorns were peacefully grazing in a distance and Dean slowed a little so he could observe them better.  
« I must be dreaming » he said as he turned off the engine.  
« Dean... Why don’t we first go to the ranch… You’ll have plenty of time to admire them later » Castiel said. He hadn’t said much since the day before.  
« But would you look at this, Cass… Cows ! » he said with a blissful smile.  
Castiel nodded, returned the smile as if to say « cows, indeed, so what ? »  
Chadwick and Jewel joined their father on the left side of the car and the three of them admired the landscape, as if they were watching an old movie where the cow boys were guiding the herds at seasonal moves.  
« It’s sooooo beautiful » Jewel was in awe.  
« Hey look, a cow boy ! » Chadwick was restless.  
Indeed, a rider approached them at full gallop.

Castiel turned his head to the left and felt a twinge of sadness… He regretted to have accepted to come along, he should have found a last minute excuse. Yet, they were all so excited to come to this ranch that he hadn’t found the courage to disappoint them.  
Dean turned and looked at him, with sparkles in his eyes... Castiel couldn’t help smiling too. He hadn’t seen him glowing for a long time, he looked restful… This alone and the kids’ joy was a good enough reason to come... Everything else seemed so far away at this point. They were his present… He was his past.  
« You’re OK, Cass ? » Dean suddenly looked a bit worried as he watched Castiel staring at nothing.  
« I’m fine… Just a little tired. »  
« I told you to wake me up last night to take over... » Dean gently scolded him.  
« I’ll have all the time in the world to rest… Look, your cowboy is here » he said pointing at the rider slowing down at a few meters from them.  
Dean stepped out of the car. The kids and Castiel walked at his side.  
« You must be the Winchesters ? » the man claimed, leaning on the pommel of his saddle.  
« We are indeed. »  
« Welcome to the Black Horse... We were waiting for you.»  
« How far are we from the ranch? »  
« About 10 minutes ... It’s right behind that small hill over there » he replied as he pointed to his right.  
« Great... Thanks »  
« ‘Welcome... By the way, I’m Mark » he saluted them touching the tip of his hat.  
« I’m Dean and these are my children, Chadwick and Jewel. »  
« Howdy » Jewel said in a shy voice.  
« Hello, Beauty » the man replied with a large smile. She stepped back a little and took cover behind her brother.  
« And this is Castiel »  
« Pleasure »  
« Likewise » Castiel answered, leaning on the car door.  
« We’ll meet at the ranch, I’ll inform them you’re on your way....You’ll be right on time for supper »  
« Sounds great, I’m starving » Dean almost shouted out as Mark was already heading back to the ranch at full speed.  
« Real’ cooool » Chadwick sighed.  
« Yep, you said it… C’mon, all aboard » Dean shouted clapping his hands.  
He shared a smile of complicity with Castiel.  
« We’re gonna have a great time here this week, I can feel it » he said as he sat back behind the wheel.

  
   
www

 

The « Black Horse » ranch was composed of several buildings.The main residence was made of wood and bricks, two floors and on the side, the staff quarters...  
Stables and paddocks were at a short distance before the barn...  
Dean pulled the Impala in front of the house... A man in his thirties was standing in the entry porch, obviously waiting for them.  
« At last ! » he shouted as he walked down the 4 wooden steps.  
He extended a hand to Dean who was the first to step out of the car.  
« Welcome to the Black Horse. The name’s Garth... I’ll be in charge of your vacation here… And it is my responsibility to make it unforgettable, Balthazar’s orders. »  
« Baltha... » Dean couldn’t hide his surprise as he shook the man’s hand.  
« Er… I’m Dean »  
« I know who you are… He keeps talking about your family… and sex, but that’s another story » he claimed, patting his shoulder and walking towards the children. Dean felt somehow perplexed.  
Dean looked at Castiel… and saw a bit of apprehension in his eyes… Castiel let a discreet smile stretch his lips.  
« You must be Chadwick » Garth shook the young boy’s hand.  
« Yes… Hi»  
Garth looked him up and down, moving back a few steps.  
« Storm will be perfect for you »  
He let go of his hand and took off his hat.  
« And this little beauty here must be Jewel » he declaimed as he kissed her little hand.  
He stepped back again to observe her with attention.  
« For you, I’d recommend Light »  
« What about me ? » Dean interfered, still leaning on the car’s open door.  
Garth turned around and granted him a wry smile.  
« Balthazar told me you had some notions of horse riding»  
« Er… He told you that, didn’t he ? » Dean suddenly felt worried.  
« You rode Shetland poneys… I’m impressed... » he said, pushing his hat on the back of his head and looking preoccupied.  
« I was 6 at the time » Dean snapped back, looking daggers at him and hearing Castiel bursting out laughing.  
The latter had told everything to Balty who of course couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Dean’s eyes were shouting « Traitor ! » to Castiel...  
« I guess Wink will do just fine »  
« Wink ? »  
« Yeah, Wink » he said with a wink.... Dean started to fear the worst, after he’d hoped for the best.  
Garth finally turned on his right.  
« And you must be Castiel » he said with an everlasting smile.  
« Hello.»  
Garth approached him and shook his hand a bit longer.  
« For you, Sir, I’d recommend Cheyenne »  
« No Sir »  
« I beg your pardon ? » feeling surprised.  
« Don’t call me « Sir » » Castiel answered as he withdrew his hand which Garth was still holding.  
Garth nodded and smiled anyway.  
« C’mon… Let’s go inside. I’ll take you to a tour around the house. We’ll take care of your luggage later » he said as Dean had already opened the trunk.  
« Mark will take care of these » he said as he already walked up the porch steps.

  
   
www

  
   
They entered the ground floor main room ; it was quite impressive and the ceiling was almost at roof level.  
« We had it redecorated two years ago… Bryan supervized the transformation of the attic into guests rooms and tore down the rest to create a large living room space... You need to know that we welcome no more than ten guests at a time in this ranch… It’s currently seasonal break… three weeks without tourists… Except you of course: you are invited guests, it’s not the same » he looked at Jewel who stared at him the whole time.  
He had a peculiar look and a strange way of moving his skinny body ; all this make him seem more friendly at first sight, except to Dean, who hadn’t really appreciated his sense of humor and sarcasm.  
« You’re now standing in the living room… The horns you see over there hanging on the wall belong to the first Longhorn that died on this property» he pointed at a brick chimney mantle piece.  
« ... They’re about 150 years old » he went on, feeling proud obviously.  
Dean was truly impressed by the massive stagecoach wheel hanging from the ceiling transformed into a chandelier.  
« Pretty cool, huh ? » Garth exclaimed as he joined them... « It was Bryan’s idea… The guy has brains.» he added hitting his temple with his index. « One more reason he’s running the «Black Horse» and not me »  
« Are you the eldest ? » Castiel asked, looking around to observe the sober decoration of the place.  
« One year only... But still, it seems he inherited the beauty of our mother and the brains of our father... I’m the generous older brother who left everything to the youngest » he said pushing back his hat.  
« A teacher of mine used to say that any person has been granted intelligence and that beauty is just a matter of perspective» Dean stated in a casual tone as he observed the emaciated guy standing in front of them.  
« I’d have loved to have a teacher like that» Garth laughed.  
« Follow me... I’ll show you to your rooms" he said walking in front of them. « One more thing… I hope you don’t mind sharing » he said as he looked at Dean.  
« You mean the same room ? »  
« Yes. We take advantage of the holidays to have the other rooms paint refreshed... We kept a double room for the children and a double one for you... I hope you don’t mind. »  
« Of course not, we already appreciate the invitation ; who are we to complain ? » he said as he looked at Castiel who smiled.  
« There are two beds in the room, right ? » Dean asked, nevertheless a bit worried.  
« Of course...» Garth confirmed, climbing the stairs leading to the upper floors.

   
Both bedrooms had a view on the backyard… Nothing but plains, as far as the eye could see. Dean was fascinated.  
« Awesome » he said, looking out the window.  
Castiel joined him without a word.  
They remained there, side by side, for a little while.  
There was a knock on the door.  
« Yes? »  
« Supper’s ready »  
« We’ll be right there »  
Dean stretched and yawned.  
« I’m dog tired. This trip drained me. »  
« It’s quite late, I hope they haven’t planned anything for tonight... » Castiel stated turning away from the window.  
« I sure hope so » Dean started to laugh.

   
« I have planned a campfire under the stars, so you get in the mood at once » Garth announced to the guests with a big smile.  
« Oh shit» Dean whispered.  
« Great ! » the children exclaimed.  
« Tough luck » Castiel concluded.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean entered their room and let out a long sigh as he collapsed on his bed.  
« I’m done…. This guy is the ultimate chatterbox… I was about to punch him in the face to make him shut his cakehole»  
« At least, the children seem to enjoy it… They were practically eating out of his hand» Castiel replied. He sat on his own bed and smiled.  
Dean straightened by his side, keeping a distance...  
« How do you feel? You’ve seemed a bit absent-minded since yesterday » he whispered.  
« Dean, would you stop doing this, please ?» Castiel’s tone was filled with anger as he was staring at the wall in front of him.  
« I apologize for showing some concern for your well-being » he said, raising his voice. « It’s not like we’ve been friends for ages, right ?» Dean stood up. He felt obviously offended.  
« Dean » Castiel’s voice was now begging.  
« WHAT ? » Dean said as he turned around.  
Castiel tensed up.  
« What, Cass ? » Dean said more gently.  
« I’m fine... » Castiel was smiling.  
« You’re fine, my ass! » he said as he headed to the bathroom.  
Castiel startled when Dean slammed the door behind him.

« It’s not like we’ve been friends for ages » resonated in a loop in his head… He let out a sigh. Something had broken inside him ten years ago and his presence here, surrounded by horses, would surely reopen an old wound, there was no doubt about it.  
However, coming to the ranch might have been a good thing after all… Maybe the time had come to open up his heart… Talking with Dean about the aggression had already made him feel better ; talking about Michael might have the same effect... He knew all there was to know about Dean who’d never hidden anything from him; they were friends, they were family.  
He lay on the bed and stared at the ceiling for a long while… He saw the face, the one he’d never forgotten… He’d loved him so much, he hated him just as much...  
He glanced at the bathroom door, listened to the shower running… Dean...  
He closed his eyes... and felt a tear running down his cheek as he sunk in a deep slumber.  
Dean opened the door ; he was barefoot, dressed in pj pants and an old Metallica t-shirt, his hair still wet...  
« Cass... In your op… » He saw his friend laying on the bed he’d chosen.  
« Dammit, man, it’s my bed » he said, leaning on him. Castiel was fast asleep.  
Dean couldn’t take his eyes off his face. He observed him for a while, thinking of a million things. Suddenly Castiel muttered in his sleep. Dean snapped out of it.  
« Shit, what the hell am I doing ? » he shook his head and rubbed his face with his hands.  
He grabbed Castiel’s legs and gently swung them trying not to wake him up.  
Castiel groused.  
« Give me a hand here, dude » he said as he grabbed his shoulders and dragged him towards the bedhead.  
Castiel curled up on himself like a child. Dean took off his boots and pulled a blanket up to his waist.  
« Sweet dreams » he whispered, with a tender smile.  
He lay on the opposite bed, with his back to his friend, feeling an awkward pang… He closed his eyes. He hadn’t realized yet that a wall in his subconscious was tumbling down...

  
   
www

  
   
He woke up at the sound of the shower…A look at his watch...  
« Son of a bitch !… 6:30» he pulled the blanket over his head.  
A knock on the door and his kids rushed in.  
« Dammit » he muttered under the sheets as the children jumped on the bed.  
« Get uuuuup » Jewel shouted.  
« For Christ’s sake, munchkins...You know what time it is ?... We’re on holidays and I’m dead tired ! »  
« Hurry up… Garth said breakfast is served at 7» Chadwich shook up his father.  
Dean straightened, his hair all messed up, grabbed his son and pulled him on the bed. Chadwick laughed as his father started to tickle him.  
« You’re gonna beg for mercy, I swear, unworthy son of mine» Jewel jumped on the bed and tickled her brother too. Castiel entered the room and watched them play together.  
« Well well, I see everybody’s up ! »  
Dean let go of his son and smiled. Castiel came closer ; Jewel sat on the bed. She was dressed in a white shirt and blue sweater. She was swinging her feet, admiring her fringe boots.  
« You look like a real cow boy» she said as she examined his outfit from top to bottom.  
« Oh yeah ? » he looked a bit perplexed.  
« There’s no denying, it suits you perfectly » Dean added, gently pushing his son and getting up.  
Castiel was wearing a dark blue plaid shirt, wash jeans and a pair of old Santiago boots.  
« I’d better get dressed or I’ll skip breakfast» Dean rubbed his hands against each other.  
« We should leave your father alone... » Castiel said as he showed them to the door.  
Dean called Castiel before the latter closed the door ion his way out.  
« Cass »  
« Yes ? »  
« About last night » he started, rubbing the back of his head.  
« I was exhausted.... I’m sorry »  
« Don’t be sorry… You were right »  
He looked deep into his eyes.  
« It’s just that I’m not ready to talk about it just yet...»

  
   
www

  
   
They enjoyed a hearty breakfast and listened to Garth, more talkative than ever. The children were so fascinated by his babbling...  
They were about to get down to business… Dean proudly put his Stetson on his head.  
« Classy hat ! » Garth noticed with no particular emotion in his voice.  
Dean muttered to himself and decided to keep a low profile.

He guided them to the first paddock with a view on the stables.  
“We’re gonna introduce you to your companions for the week... I’m usually quite good at designating who’s gonna ride each horse but I prefer to make sure they’re the right ones for each of you before proceeding further"  
He climbed the fence, sit astride and whistled ... Mark showed up with a beautiful black and white Paint horse.  
"Chad , I present you Storm .... You’ll see, it’s as sweet as a lamb, unlike what its name suggests "

Chadwick climbed on the fence, his face lightened up, bright eyes. Yet he had a knot in his stomach.  
Mark approached ... Chad leaned forward to caress the horse’s forehead...  
" It’s so beautiful" he said, admiring the black white-dotted coat.  
Garth whistled once ... A man appeared, most certainly of Hispanic origin, holding the reins of a smaller horse ... A Paint horse mare with a brown white-dotted coat and a white mane.  
"This is Light" he said, hopping down the fence and lifting up Jewel .  
" For me?” she asked with sparkles in her eyes.  
"Yes Sweetie .... Do you like it? "  
" Oh yes," she extended her hand .  
"Thank you Pedro " he seized the reins .  
The latter nodded and returned to the stable.  
Meanwhile, Chadwick had moved to the other side of the fence and stroked the neck of his horse under Mark’s cautious eye .

Dean and Castiel watched the kids fascination and felt a wave of fondness in their hears.  
Pedro showed up again with a brown white-dotted Appaloosa.  
"This is Cheyenne " Garth said to Castiel who frowned at once.  
" Cass ? " Dean looked worried.  
Castiel latter climbed the fence and jumped on the other side. Pedro handed him the reins.  
"Thanks," his voice was low.  
" Hello Gorgeous" stroking her neck .  
It looked like old friends being reunited. Dean turned to Garth who slightly pulled his hat. His smile faded.  
" Balty " Dean sighed .  
   
« We kept the best for the end »  
He whistled.  
All eyes turned to the stable… An old man came out.  
At first there was a long silence and then suddenly Chadwick’s laughter resonated, soon imitated by Jewel’s.  
Castiel walked away from Cheyenne and saw a splendid American white and brown pony that didn’t exceed 24 inches at the withers.  
« Given your experience, I thought you would surely manage this one. It has quite a temper » Garth said, with no trace of emotion whatsoever in his voice.  
« I present you Wink »  
Dean didn’t say a word, no emotion on his face. He turned to Castiel who had a hard time remaining serious.  
« It’s perfect » Dean jumped on the other side of the fence, adjusted his Stetson and proudly walked towards the animal....  
« Come here, handsome » He walked around it, grabbed the reins and straddled it.  
Garth turned and winked to the man standing a few meters away with a camera in his hand… No one had noticed him.  
Dean was sitting straight on his pony, his feet dragging on the ground… Castiel started to laugh with the children, as well as Mark and Garth. The latter’s odd sense of humor was a gift making everybody relax....  
In the meantime, Dean trotted throughout the paddock, his boots scraping on the ground..... He took off his hat and hit the back of the animal to make it trot faster.  
« Bravo Daddy » Jewel yelled and clapped her hands, which made Light startle.  
Dean stopped near Garth.  
« Balty was right, you really are an outstanding rider »  
« Thanks » Dean proudly put his hat back on his head.  
« I present you the real Wink » he pointed at the old man walking out of the stable.  
« Wow » Dean dismounted from the pony.  
A Paint horse, bigger than all the others, Palomino coat and a white spot on the eye.  
« I knew you’d like it... No hard feelings ? »  
Dean looked at him and smiled.  
«No hard feelings... » clicking his tongue.  
The man who seemed to walk at a snail’s pace handed the reins and walked away with the pony.  
Dean hesitated for a second. Wink rubbed his nose on his shirt, begging for a caress.  
« It’s perfect » Dean smile quite gleefully.  
   
Garth walked away from the group.  
« OK. I suggest that you all walk with your companion in the paddock. Take the reins and get familiar with their pace… Don’t hesitate to talk to them…Whispering to horses ain’t a legend »  
Chadwick and Jewel were walking side by side, both fascinated and a bit frightened despite the fact that Mark was following at a distance.  
Dean walked to the right side of Wink who kept swinging its head and begging for hugs at every step.  
Castiel didn’t take his eyes off Cheyenne, holding the reins with his fingertips, feeling the horse rather than leading it.  
Garth smiled. Obviously, Castiel had the touch...  
He hadn’t enjoyed Balthazar’s idea at first but when the latter had his mind set on something, it was hard to talk him out of it.  
He wanted Castiel to let go of the remaining obstacles… regain full control of his life as it was before the aggression… What better way than to face what had put an end to five years of a relationship that never really existed?  
Balty had another idea, with more dramatic consequences, but this one would cost him… He wasn’t meant for Castiel, he knew that, but these two were meant for each other… He was certain of it..

  
   
www

  
   
They spent the entire morning in the paddock talking to each other and stroking their horses... None of them had been saddled yet… Garth quietly explained the agenda for the rest of the day and the days after.  
After dinner, they’d attend their first real lesson. He would take care of the children and Castiel would be in charge of Dean...  
He had planned a little ride the day after, if everything ran as smoothly as expected...  
Lunch was served outside the back of the house… in a backyard equipped with a small pool, a table and wooden benches...  
A young man was in charge of the barbecue. Dean started an endless discussion with Mark about horses of a different kind. The mechanic in him had taken over.  
The children kept asking questions to Garth about the ranch.  
Castiel alternately listened both conversations, without actually joining.  
Garth finally got up...  
« Well… let’s get down to serious business » he said, pushing back his hat.  
   
When they reached the paddock, the horses were ready, saddled, their reins attached to the fence. Pedro bowed hat at Garth and left.  
« I’ll take care of Jewel and Mark will take care of Chadwick, as planned» he said, turning to Castiel.  
« You’ll supervise Shetland here» he added, winking at Dean, standing beside him.  
« You’d better watch your ass » Dean showed a threatening finger.  
They all smiled and headed for their respective mount...  
Once the children had overcome their initial apprehension, they found it all easy as pie. It was a different story for Dean. Wink was the affectionate kind all right but, obviously, it was acting its own way.  
Castiel stroked Cheyenne for a while then he untied the reins and grabbed the saddle pommel. Dean’s eyes widened when he saw him saddle up as the cow boys he admired in old movies.  
« Holy shit, Cass » pushing his head back, totally blown away.  
The latter smiled and with a click of the tongue moved his horse along.  
Dean watched him trot away, clearly at ease as he must have been before, then he saw him get to gallop… a gentle gallop… Castiel seemed to float, holding the reins in one hand, guiding the horse with his legs only...  
Cheyenne obeyed without orders. The children were watching him… There was a faint smile on Castiel’s face… And some sadness too, although Dean was the only one to notice it.  
He came back to Dean and stopped next to him.  
« Your turn »  
Dean swallowed.  
« Every time I approach it, it recedes » he grieved.  
« Wait » Castiel dismounted, tied Cheyenne’s rein then walked towards Wink.  
« Hello Handsome » he stroked its neck.  
« Try not to let him feel your fear »  
« I’m not afraid » Dean was offended.  
« Try not to let him feel your stress then » he smirked.  
« Stop making fun of me, would you? » He frowned.  
« Saddle up, Shetland » he said as he held the reins.  
Dean began to mutter under his breath as he grabbed the pommel in one hand and tried in vain to slide his foot in the stirrup.  
Wink seemed to get a kick at stepping back each time Dean tried to mount it, so that Dean ended up hopping beside the horse.  
« Shit, why won’t this nag stay still for five minutes » he was pissed.  
« Dean... Try leaning on the fence »  
« WHAT ? » Now he really was pissed. « NEVER... Why don’t you give me a stepladder while you’re at it ? » he tried again to get his foot in the stirrup.  
« Hush » Castiel put his face on the horse forehead while stroking its neck. « Have mercy on him »  
« Hey, quit that lousy game with me » Dean shouted as he finally managed to put his boot in the ring.  
However, it was far from final… Wink stepped aside as soon as it felt Dean’s weight on the stirrup.  
The latter ended up hopping again to avoid falling.  
« Dammit Cass... Hold him tight » he shouted, a bit panicked, hopping on one foot, the other one stuck in the stirrup.  
« Hush hush, handsome... » holding it a bit, forehead against forehead.  
The horse stopped.  
In a final effort, Dean managed to saddle up. He felt both a certain pride to have achieved that far and a genuine apprehension for what was to come, after all the efforts he had made already.  
« And now ? » holding tight the pommel with both hands.  
« Take these » Castiel slipped the reins above the horse’s head and gave them to Dean, looking at him in the eyes.  
« Don’t worry, I’ll help you » he smiled.  
« Thanks, man » holding tight and refraining from moving an inch.  
He looked at Castiel jumping on his own horse and ride next to him. This was the moment Dean noticed the children were staring at them.  
«It was so funny, Dad » Jewel was all smiles.  
« Such an ungrateful family » he said, nodding and winking at Castiel.  
« Let’s go, John Wayne »  
Dean’s eyes widened.  
« I always knew how to pronounce his name… I was just pissing you off » and with one slap, he got Cheyenne moving again.  
« I knew it !... » Dean whispered. A smile stretched his lips.  
He remained stiff on his saddle, not knowing what to do.  
« Cass » he pleaded as he was just a few neck lengths away from him.  
Castiel stopped and with a subtle wrist movement, he made his horse turn to face Dean’s.  
« A little word of encouragement and keep your knees squeezed to make it walk»  
« I hope it won’t start galloping » he sounded worried.  
Castiel couldn’t help but smile and came closer.  
« Talk about a cowboy ! » he sighed.  
« Gimme a break... I’d love to see how gifted you’d be with a monkey wrench in your hand! »  
« Touché » Castiel replied as he guided his horse along Dean’s on the right.  
« Just look at me and do as I do »  
He saw him briefly tighten his knees on the flanks of his horse and click his tongue. Cheyenne started to walk without flinching.  
« OK… seems easy enough » Dean said, pulling his hat.  
« Be a good horse, OK ? » he whispered in Wink’s ear. « Otherwise I’ll eat you for supper... » The horse shook itself.  
« Just kidding… just kidding » Dean panicked. His face tensed.  
« Let’s show them, huh ?» he straightened up.  
« Go horsy» he squeezed his knees, too hard, shook the reins and clicked his tongue.  
« Dean...No, not like that... » Too late for Castiel to grab the reins ; Wink started to run at full gallop.

Dean was bouncing on his saddle, dangerously swaying from side to side, in a light gallop... He tried to pull the reins in an attempt to stop the horse… desperately shouting Hoooo... and Stoooop....but Wink was acting its own way.  
When Castiel joined him, Dean was clinging to the pommel, trying not to fall, shaken like a plain bag on the saddle.  
Castiel managed to slow him down and Dean finally straightened, silent, grinning.  
He said nothing, he saw the anger in his friend’s eyes...  
« A rare steak » Dean grinded his teeth.  
Chadwick and Jewel trotted by him, with pride, along one another.  
« Are you OK, Dad ? » his son asked with a touch of irony.  
Dean stared daggers at him.  
« I won’t be messed about by a stupid horse, dammit ! » he said, grabbing back the reins.  
« Take it easy, Dean... Squeeze your knees gently, very gently...Try to relax »  
« Easy to say... This bloody horse doesn’t like me » he said. He looked a bit sad and worried.  
« What are you talking about ? This horse loves you… C’mon, let’s try again »  
« Will you stay by my side ? » Dean’s eyes were begging.  
« I’ll always stay with you, I promise. »  
Their eyes met and for a brief moment, all was said, in silence.  
Eventually, Dean looked away.  
« Let’s go… I swear I won’t be tricked in front of my kids… The honor of John Wayne is at stake » he adjusted his hat that had almost flown away during the mad gallop.  
« Do as I say and everything will turn out just fine »  
« Yeah, sure, easy for you, Mister Professional... » he focused on his balance.  
« C’mon, handsome… let’s show them what we’re made of » he gently squeezed Wink’s sides with his knees.  
Castiel observed Dean whose face lightened up as he slowly managed to dominate the horse movements.  
Castiel told him what to do, guiding him by example.  
« This is so awesome » Dean finally went around the paddock, alone. « Cass » he called his friend.  
« John Wayne » Castiel had thrown a thumb up.  
He trotted with his children.

Castiel was leaning against the fence alongside Mark and Garth, watching.  
« That’s a nice family you’ve got there »  
« Yes » arms crossed on his chest, unable to take his eyes off them.  
« One day, you’ll have to tell him, ya know » Garth straightened up.  
Castiel didn’t reply.  
« That being said… » he stepped back.  
« Garth, please... » he waved at Jewel who was proudly riding by. « Mind your own business » Castiel’s voice was gentle yet firm.  
« As you wish » Garth raised his hands in a surrender gesture. « I’ll leave you now… Gotta go see how they manage the renovation program… Mark, I entrust you our guests… See you in an hour max. »  
« OK Boss » Mark said, putting his foot on the first barrier.  
He cleared his throat.  
« Mark !» Castiel warned him even before the other one said a word.  
« I haven’t said anything ».  
He looked at him.  
« Of course not, but I can hear your thoughts loud and clear! » Castiel snapped back, grabbing the reins and saddling up.  
He trotted towards the children and Dean...  
« So, are you having a good time ? »  
« We’re having a great time » Chadwick claimed, his face showing nothing but pure joy.  
« Ready for a little race ? » Castiel proposed with a smile.  
« Are we going to gallop ?» Jewel was a bit worried.  
« I’ll go first…. We’ll start easy… Do you trust me ? » he asked, leaning towards her, holding the pommel.  
She nodded vigorously.  
« All right, then » he positioned his horse ahead of them.  
« Let’s go… Squeeze your knees gently and follow me »  
Chadwick and Jewel found it easy to follow Castiel, first of all because their fear was gone, and then because Garth had picked up the perfect horses for them.  
Dean, on the contrary, found it a bit more difficult; shaken on his saddle from one side to the other yet trying to do the best he could not to fall off.  
Castiel couldn’t help but laugh as he watched Dean bouncing and making faces probably because of the pain caused by bouncing up and down on his butt.  
« Let the rhythm take you » he said, riding by his side. « You’re too nervous… relax »  
He heard Dean mumbling.  
« Watch me » he trotted ahead of them.  
Dean observed Castiel who seemed relaxed, at peace with himself, feeling one with his mount… There was a smile on his face. Dean saw his good old Castiel again, the one before the aggression.  
He suddenly pulled the reins. The horse reared a little.  
HIS Castiel ? Since when did he have such thoughts about him ?  
He started to laugh...  
Mark had been watching them for a while. He smiled and pulled his hat on his forehead.  
That family was undoubtedly all but ordinary.

 

End of chapter XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this fic, in the light or in the shadow.  
> Hope you like it.  
> see you in two if you wish


	12. Black horse part III

Castiel came out of the bathroom and watched Dean concentrating on a text message he was typing  
He was wearing a towel around his waist and his hair was messed up, as usual. He walked to Dean.  
« Is it Jo ? »  
« No... The garage »  
He pushed the ENTER key and raised his eyes, only to meet Castiel’s eyes staring at him, a smile on his lips.  
« What is it ? » Dean asked.  
« You look like a kid who’s been caught red-handed »  
« I don’t get it » his eyes widened.  
« Forget it » he replied as he dried his hair with the towel.  
« Right… now that you’re ready, perhaps we can go down for supper...» Dean seemed to be starving.  
« You shouldn’t have waited for me »  
Dean mumbled. He stood up and made a face.  
« Shit, my ass hurts » he said, holding his butt.  
« Would you care for a massage ? » Castiel proposed in a laughter.  
« Don’t tempt me» Dean laughed too and walked out the door.  
Castiel threw the towel on the table and followed him.  
   
Dinner was served indoor in front of the chimney. The room was bathing in an orange glow flowing from the fireplace and warming all the guests’ silhouettes in a particular way. Dean drank more than usual.  
The children were exhausted and went to bed early. The three men drank one last beer, sitting in front of the fireplace.  
« I observed you this morning… You’re quite a rider » Garth finally complimented Castiel.  
« Thank you » Castiel took a sip of his beer, leaning on his leg crossed on the other.  
« Where did you learn to ride like that? »  
« I rode a little when I was a kid and then… » He sighed. « I attended a riding school close to Lake Placid for two years »  
« I know the place » Garth stared at him and smiled.  
Castiel was staring at his bottle: he could feel Dean’s eyes on him and knew the latter was dying to ask so many questions which he didn’t wish to answer.  
« I’d rather not talk about it » He finally said, comfortably leaning on the back of the couch.  
The reflection of the flames were shining in his eyes.  
« As you wish » he replied, finishing his beer.  
« It’s getting late… I’ll call it a day… Tomorrow we gotta get up early… Wake up call at 6 a.m. We’ll leave at 8 a.m. You should get some sleep »  
Dean raised his bottle to wave goodbye. He hadn’t said a word since the dinner.  
Castiel suddenly sensed the weight of what hadn’t been said heavy on his friend’s shoulders.  
« I’m dog tired» he finally said as he stood up. « Are you coming? » Dean didn’t move.  
« I’m not tired »  
« Dean, what’s the matter with you? You haven’t said a word all evening »  
« Nothing... I was just thinking… that’s all »  
« Thinking about what ? » Castiel sounded a bit suspicious.  
Dean looked down.  
« I was thinking about Tessa and the day we first met. »  
Castiel was a bit surprised.  
« You met at the old cinema theater… she told me about it several times » He said, feeling nostalgic.  
« No... I mean you and me, Cass » Dean answered, staring at him.  
« Our first encounter ? » He hesitated to go further.  
« You know… since… since the aggression… I’ve been feeling this… fear… it’s irrational… But I’m afraid to lose you as I lost Tessa » he turned to look at the fireplace again.  
Castiel took one step closer.  
« Cass... »  
« Yes ! » he was anticipating the next words.  
« Promise me one thing »  
« What is it ? »  
« Don’t you ever leave us ». Dean avoided to look at his friend. « We couldn’t live without you… Neither me nor the kids... So, I want you to promise that, whatever the future holds for us, even if you meet the man of your life, or if I meet a woman, promise me you’ll always be there »  
« I’ve already sworn, Dean…Have you forgotten ? »  
« No, I haven’t… I guess I needed to hear the words one more time» He finished his beer. « Dammit, I feel so dumb right now » he managed not to laugh out loud.  
« Why ? »  
« I feel like I’m acting in a remake of some sappy love story » he tried to regain his composure.  
« I should have skipped the red wine.... It makes me act silly. » Castiel stepped back.  
The moment of grace had come and gone.  
« I should go to sleep before I make a complete fool of myself » he patted his friend’s shoulder.  
« Dean  »  
« Yeah ? »  
« Why ? »  
« Why what ? »  
« Why did you think about our first encounter ? »  
« Dunno » He seemed sincere, like he was looking for an answer that eluded him. Surely the side-effects of too much alcohol.  
« It crossed my mind… C’mon, we need to get some sleep or we won’t be fit for duty tomorrow » he let his empty bottle on the coffee table.  
   
Castiel found it hard to sleep well. His night was filled with nightmares of past and present days… Him… them… Blaze … Dean… a shadow… a woman…an aching heart… a weird apprehension.  
He woke up before everybody else. He had been sitting in the living room for more than an hour when the others came down, their faces still sleepy, yet their eyes filled with happy anticipation, knowing what was coming.

  
   
www

  
   
Garth led the way and Mark closed the line.  
It was a quiet ballad disturbed by nothing but the sound of hooves.  
The children were observing the landscape without a word, absorbed by the beauty of the land and the rhythm of their mount.  
Dean was riding right behind them. Castiel riding by his side. Mark watched them, in silence, his hat down over his forehead.  
The sun slowly began to rise towards its zenith.  
Garth stopped near a small hill. He turned to the others and smiled.  
« How do you like it ? »  
« It’s so pretty» Jewel was in ecstasy.  
« Are you ok ? Or do you want to pause for a moment ? » he hailed the others  
« Let’s continue » Chadwick replied at once.  
Garth glanced at Dean and Castiel.  
The latter pulled the visor of his cap and nodded. Dean’s smile was tense.  
« Are you all right ? » Castiel was worried.  
« I never thought I could feel so much pain in the butt after sitting on a horse » he said in a chuckle.  
« It’s because you clench too much… try to relax… The horses are used to this, ya know… let go and let yours follow the others »  
« Talk about a cowboy » Dean sighed.  
He regretted to be unable to master his mount as he’d wished.  
« The children set the example » Castiel said, his chin pointing at them as they had resumed their ride behind Garth.  
Mark passed by, touching the border of his hat to salute them and rode ahead.  
Dean and Castiel trotted side by side in silence.  
   
After a few minutes, Garth pointed at a small shed down the valley. There was a vast empty paddock on the right.  
« We’ll pause there »  
« What’s this place ? » Jewel asked.  
« That’s where we brand the cattle.... It’s done once a year to brand the young calves as well as new horses »  
« It must be very painful? » Dean questioned.  
« It’s performed very quickly… We could do this with nitrogen but we’d need to get the horses to sleep and Bryan refuses to take that risk, even the operation’s rather safe. Besides, it’s more expensive »  
« What about ear tags ? Or electronic chips ? » Castiel suggested.  
« Cattle thieves primarily aim at selling the stolen animals to butchers… The easier the better for them… Branding is the safest and cheapest way… They’re equipped with a chip when they are destined for sale to a private owner or another breeder.»  
« It must be awesome to herd the cattle » There was a blissful smile on Dean’s face.  
« It’s quite an experience, indeed » Garth agreed, riding his horse again, followed by the others.  
He stopped down the hill.  
« I suggest a small race to the shed.... The first one reaching it will be exempt from KP duty » Garth laughed.  
« A race ? » Dean started to panick and turned to Castiel who was already preparing to go into battle.  
« Ready ?.... » Garth took his hat off. « Set ? »  
Jewel and Chadwick firmly held their reins. Dean tensed at once.  
« GO! » he twirled his Stetson.  
Dean saw Castiel’s face lighten up as he rushed. He couldn’t help but smile.  
« Go, Light » Jewel called her horse.  
The mare started to trot… Garth followed her.  
Chadwick squeezed his knees, clicked his tongue to launch Storm.  
Dean was petrified.  
« What the Hell are you waiting for ? A formal invitation? » He looked daggers at Mark.  
« Let’s show them what we’re made of » he whispered to Wink’s ear.  
He straightened, pulled his hat on his forehead.  
Despite his fear, he put his horse into a gallop. The horse complied immediately.  
Right from the start, Dean waved his arms to keep his balance but refused to let go. Mark put his horse right after him.  
Wink was galloping ahead of him.  
Jewel and Chadwick saw their father pass by like a bullet, bouncing on his saddle, making a face but refusing to become a skiver. Castiel was only a few meters ahead, obviously mastering his mount, which wasn’t the case for Dean any longer.  
Wink felt the pressure of the knees on her sides and the bit loose : she considered this a call to freedom...  
« CAAAAAASS » Dean shouted as his horse passed by and galloped in front of him.  
« Dean ... Pull the reins! » Castiel shouted.  
« Can’t.... gonna fall » Dean shouted back with horror, as he felt his arms about to dislocate.  
Castiel put Cheyenne to gallop : his horse seemed to understand what was expected of her.  
Chadwick and Jewel had slown down. Garth followed Castiel as soon as Mark caught up with the children.  
« Daddy’s gonna win » Jewel smiled.  
« No doubt about it!» Mark smiled, leaning on the saddle pommel.  
« He’s gonna fall » Chadwick predicted.  
« Yeah, that too » Mark went on with a bit of mockery.  
Both children looked at him with anger.  
   
Castiel finally reached him.  
« Dean... hang on »  
He saw the panic in his friend’s eyes when Dean looked at him. He leaned dangerously to the side to grab Wink’s bridle.  
« Woooohhh » he gently pulled the bridle to slow down the horse.  
Cheyenne seemed to understand what was going on and slowed down by herself. Wink swerved, surprised to see Castiel’s head in her vision perimeter.  
« Easy, big boy » Castiel said extremely calmly.  
The horse slowed down, but before stopping, it made a sudden move to the left and Dean lost his balance.  
Castiel had no time to catch Dean as he slipped from the saddle and slumped on the ground.  
« Dean ! » he called, dismounting fast. « Dean » he called again as he walked around Wink.  
Dean was lying on his back, hat on his face.... legs folded… Castiel had not idea what to say or do, somehow apprehending Dean’s reaction.  
He saw his friend’s body jolt several times then Dean sat and grabbed his hat.  
He was looking down and Castiel stood there, in front of him.  
« Dean ? » he eventually whispered.  
« I won… Dammit, I won ! » he said, raising his chin, he was all smiles. « My ass hurts !! I’m not even sure I can get back up on my feet… But I won ! »  
« I don’t believe it ! » Castiel took off his hat. « I thought you were hurt and all that matters to you is that damn KP duty !?» he hesitated between anger and smile.  
« Yep » Dean started to laugh.  
« You’re such a jerk! » he hit him with his hat. « You scared the hell out of me, you idiot! »  
   
Dean kept on laughing as he lay back on the ground.  
« Are you all right? » Garth was worried.  
« Mister Dean might have several broken bones, but all he cares about is winning that damn challenge » Castiel grumbled, putting his hat back on his head.  
« He didn’t win » Garth bluntly said with a sly smile.  
« What ? » Dean snapped, sitting again and wincing because of the pain.  
« I said the first one REACHING the shed would win… You went further than that limit, so technically, you never actually reached the shed » he said grabbing the reins and riding back.  
« You’re a cheater... I DID WIN, DAMMIT !» Dean shouted as he tried to stand up, without success.  
« Dean ? » Castiel smiled.  
« Don’t look at me like that.... Gimme your hand » Dean said, reaching out for him. He was furious. «  Shit… my ass hurts so much that I don’t think I’ll be able to sit ever again » he grabbed Castiel’s hand.  
« C’mon, Shetland »  
« Watch your mouth!» he pointed a threatening finger at him, with a fierce look in his eyes.  
« Thanks » he went on, smiling at him. « Holy cow… That was something » Dean said as he grabbed Wink’s reins. « And you, my friend,” he said addressing his mount, “ we have a few things to work out. And you’d better listen carefully, of you’ll end up as a « steak au poivre ».  
He went away, walking with a limp as he kept talking to Wink, threatening it with all evils as the horse only answered by rubbing its head on his shoulder, begging for more hugs.  
« Go to hell! » he pushed Wink away, yet the horse kept begging for more.  
Castiel walked behind him, listening to the discussion between the man and the horse. He watched his butt and back, covered with dust...  
Dean finally stroked Wink’s neck. Castiel smiled, then he looked down, his heart suddenly filled with a wave of sadness...

  
   
www

  
   
The cook had prepared a take away lunch box for each one. They had stuffed it in their bag.  
Sandwiches, a muffin, sodas for the kids... beers for the adults.  
Dean pouted... The beer was too warm.  
Garth pointed at the rusty branding iron hanging inside the shed, above the fireplace. A « M » in a triangle.  
« It’s one of our oldest branding irons » he said, pushing his hat back...  
A table, four chairs, an empty cupboard and a bedroom with two beds, mattresses rolled, no sheets.  
« Few of our men sleep here… Many use this place as a refuge in case of dispute or when they get plastered.»  
«... Or as a place of debauchery » Mark added with a smirk.  
« That too » Garth smiled.  
He explained how the branding was performed, showing them the little forge next to the shed...  
Dean glanced at the paddock. Castiel observed the horses drinking in the watering hose, his arms resting on the fence, one foot on the first rail...  
Dean joined him, leaving the children under Garth’s supervision. Mark was smoking in the vicinity.  
He leaned on the fence, next to him.  
« Memories ? » he ventured to ask, avoiding eye contact.  
«Yes » Castiel replied, staring at Cheyenne.  
He saw Castiel’s chin drop.  
« He’d offered me one »  
Dean looked at him.  
« A horse ? »  
« Yes… a mare… She looked like this one… her name was Blaze » his voice was a faint whisper.  
« Our relationship was already on the downward track… He thought that offering me a horse would fix it all »  
« Did it happen ? » Dean asked softly.  
« I loved Michael » he raised his head and looked again at Cheyenne. « It took me a long time to understand and to admit he didn’t love me »  
He got lost in his thoughts for a while. Dean remained silent, he wanted to allow Castiel to confess at his own rhythm. He didn’t want to ruin the magic of the moment.  
« I loved him for both of us » he smiled, suddenly feeling exhausted. « I thought that, in time, he would finally care for me as much as I cared for him, but... »  
He let out a profound sigh.  
« Why ? » Dean asked, surprised he didn’t even asked.  
« Why ? » Castiel repeated already, disappointed by the answer that he was about to say. « Because he was nothing but a rich spoil brat… a handsome and smart one… because he always got what he asked for, because he always succeeded in everything he undertook, because he thought you can buy anything… He offered me a car, and then holidays at the end of the world… The moment I looked at something in a shop window, he would buy it for me... I ended up refusing all his gifts, which made him mad. I wasn’t happy. He was unable to understand that I didn’t give a shit about his money. All I wanted was him »  
He was wringing his fingers, feeling both angry and sad at once.  
« From that day on, our life as a couple – if it ever was a couple – turned to hell... His only objective in life was to show off, it quickly became unbearable... That’s when I started to sympathize with one of his cousins ; he became jealous… He couldn’t stand not being the main attraction anymore »  
He turned and stared at the shed. Dean stared at the horses in the paddock.  
« The last two years were a real nightmare… We were fighting all the time about everything »  
« Why did you stay with him ? »  
« Call it habit… hope… Besides, I… I was... » He looked at the sky as it was too hard for him to say the words. « It was physical… As soon as he was touching me, I... » he looked down, feeling almost ashamed to confess his weakness. « I wish he’d loved me »  
« Cass » Dean moved a bit closer to his friend and stood by his side.  
« What a mess » Castiel whispered.  
There was a moment of silence between during which Castiel seemed to understand who he really was today and that Dean was remaining by his side, just for him.  
« He once booked holidays for us at Lake Placid… He wanted to apologize for our last dispute... He offered me a mare… He knew I wanted to leave and he knew I loved horses… He knew perfectly how to trap me… I receded… Once again. I wanted so much to believe that we could make it work. I was so wrong. He finally had it off with the riding teacher » He started to laugh, which broke Dean’s heart. It was a laughter full of despair and disenchantment.  
« He told me he didn’t love him… that it was purely physical… I bursted out… The next day, he… »There was a sudden flame in his eyes. « He sold Blaze »  
« What ? » Dean said, amazed.  
« He sold her to a young couple passing by… My Blaze, my mare » A single tear ran down his cheek... He regained his composure. « We had another fight, I was furious, broken, so angry at him… He got mad and hit me… He had never laid a hand on me before, never... »  
He straightened up.  
« I called my mother… I left that very day and never heard from him again… I never tried to get in touch with him and he never tried to find me… the last memory I have of him is the petrified expression on his face when he looked down at his fist… Maybe he’d realized at this point what our five years together had really meant »  
« Cass... I don’t know what to say »  
« There’s nothing to say, Dean. It happened then years ago… It belongs in the past now. I got over it all, but Blaze… She… she’s the only thing I truly regret »  
« I’ll need to have a word with Balty when we get back » Dean growled, in a tone that augured nothing good.  
« Tell him  “Thanks”  » Castiel said in a sweet tone, staring at Dean’s eyes, a soft smile on his lips.  
Dean hesitated then finally replied to his friend’s smile.  
« We practically know everything about each other now » he sounded rather proud.  
« Why is that so important for you ? »  
« Because you’re my friend and I worry for you... Because I need to know what you’ve been through to be able to help when you need me, without acting like a jerk and say silly things »  
« You never acted like a jerk with me, Dean»  
« So much the better, because I’d have been pissed not to be able to make it up to you » he patted him on the shoulder.  
« C’mon… Let’s get some coffee before I go bruise my butt again on this saddle »  
One moment of emotions shared with his friend and Dean suddenly felt uncomfortable. He was eager to share the confidence but once he was done, he always felt helpless… He was a complete and unique paradox.  
Castiel smiled and followed him.

  
   
www

  
   
They returned in the middle of the afternoon. The children spent the rest of the day splashing around in the pool. Dean fell asleep in the deckchair.  
Castiel finally put down his book down and dove in the pool with the kids.  
Their laughters got Dean out of his slumber.  
« Daddy… Daddy… Come quick, Chad is making bubbles in the water » Jewel laughed.  
« You should be ashamed of yourself » he straightened up.  
Chadwick concentrated and a huge bubble died at the surface.  
« Chad... quit that! » Dean got mad.  
Jewel laughed even more, clapping her hands.  
« More… more »  
« Jewel ! » Dean shouted, standing up.  
But he suddenly froze and remained motionless for a few seconds.  
« Dean ? » Castiel looked at him, worried.  
« Shit ! » Dean rubbed his back and his butt. « I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck » he complained as he joined Castiel.  
« Come in the water… it will do you good »  
   
Jewel swam to her father, clung to him, holding his waist, her head resting on his chest.  
He gently stroked her hair as he watched his son go snorkeling: Castiel was in charge of keeping score of the time spent underwater.  
Around 5 p.m., Garth brought them some beers, sodas and a large bowl of popcorn.  
Dean and Castiel got out of the pool : the children were observing a reckless frog on the edge of the pool.  
« I hope you’re enjoying yourselves » Garth smiled at Dean and Castiel and handed them the beers.  
« Just perfect » Dean smiled back. « Even if my whole body hurts.»  
Garth started to laugh, though without any trace of irony this time.  
« Tomorrow I’ll show you the other side of the valley... That’s where most of our cattle is grazing.... You certainly saw some on your way here... »  
« Are you breeding cows only? » Castiel wondered.  
« No... We’re also breeding horses... That’s on the agenda for the day after tomorrow… They are confined on the Western part of the property... We had to build up a fence because of cattle theft »  
« So it’s true !» Dean was surprised. « I thought this was history ? »  
« Alas, you’ve heard about the food industry, the parallel networks… The neighborhood is rather safe but several landowners I know were victims of these irregular practices »  
« Shit! » Dean took a sip of his beer.  
« Are you making enough money with this business ? » Castiel asked.  
« Our rodeo horses are famous all around, but we had to diversify our business to make ends meet »  
« Hence, the touristic programmes »  
« Exactly, but in small doses… Bryan refuses to host more than 10 guests at a time… The ranch has proposed horseback tourism for the last four years… It regularly happens we welcome the same clients every year… At first, we weren’t very excited about this idea. But this ranch has been a family business for so many years that we couldn’t let it disappear… Besides, I have to admit I like it » he was smiling. « Bryan is somewhat not as fond of this as I am.... Therefore, I’m the one taking care of this part of the ranch » he drank the rest of his beer.  
« I admit you’re doing pretty good» Dean concluded, looking at his children.  
« Thanks »  
« All right, kids, out of the pool now » Dean stood up and made a face as he carried Jewel.  
« Can we stay a little more ? » she made her puppy eyes.  
« You and your brother, go and take your shower now… Dinner in one hour »  
He turned to Chadwick, still in the swimming pool.  
« Chad... I said time’s up »  
« But Dad’ »  
« Don’t even try, get out now »  
Chadwick came out of the pool, grabbed his sister’s hand and dragged her inside.  
Dean shuffled through his hair. Chadwick laughed and gently pushed him away.  
Garth took off his hat and observed the trio.  
« You really have great kids »  
« Thanks » he looked at him and felt quite proud.  
Dean looked at Castiel and smiled.

  
   
www

  
   
The following days were dedicated to horse rides and rest.  
The children quickly got tired of the pool and started to stick with Pedro, the groom who accepted their help for the daily routines: maintaining the watering places, cleaning the loose-boxes, giving the horses a rub-down, maintaining the material.  
At sunset, they were completely exhausted and Dean or Castiel had to carry them to their beds more than once.  
The adults were spending time with Mark and Garth. Sometimes Pedro and Jack would join them. Jack was the one who was secretly filming them during the day.  
The conversation revolved around life and things. Garth narrated the stories of some tourists in desperate need of adventure.  
Dean thought that Garth would certainly tell his adventure with Wink to some tourists in a few days and they would surely laugh as he was laughing right now... So much for his wounded pride.  
Castiel’s laughing out loud woke him up from his reverie. He looked at him for a long while, his lips stretched in a tender smile.  
Castiel was genuinely happy. In the end, that was all Dean was asking for.  
After a few seconds, he turned and looked at Garth.  
The latter nodded with the tip of his hat, his eyes squinched, although there was a trace of joy in there.

  
   
www

  
   
The day before their departure, Garth and Mark decided to organize a fake rodeo and several games in the Old West style. Pitching horseshoes, lasso throwing, knives throwing. The climax of the day was the sack race of course.  
Dean raised his sack as he looked pitifully at Castiel who was already set in his own. Chadwick and Jewel were standing between them...  
« Dean, hurry, we’re all waiting for you » Garth waved at him with a little red flag.  
« Oh shit ! » he said, pulling his Stetson on his head and jumping into his sack.  
« You jump until the fence. If you fall, you need to go back to the starting point and start all over again. Understood ? »  
« Sir Yes Sir » they all shouted in unisson.  
« Readyyyyyyyyyy ? »  
He raised his flag.  
« GO ! »  
Castiel had only jumped twice when he fell flat on his face. Jewel took advantage of her short stature to walk in the sack.  
« Jewel.... You’re cheating. You have to jump » Dean shouted, sweating and jumping like an idiot.  
Chadwick was getting a valuable head start.  
« Go go go ! » Mark encouraged them, clapping his hands.  
Castiel tried to stand up again but couldn’t regain his balance.  
Dean was pissed as he saw his son just a couple of meters away from the fence. He wanted to get ahead first but caught his feet at the bottom of the sack and fell on his knees. Discouraged, he watched Chadwick win the game.  
Castiel had only moved one meter ahead. He sat in his sack, gently nodding his head.  
   
The time had come to start the fake rodeo.  
For the first trial, they had to catch a young calf, except that the animal was about 155 pounds...  
Mark taught them the basics of lasso handling.  
There were laughters and giggles ; because they first had to catch the calf, master it and then tie the hind legs. Each adult was assigned to a child who was in charge of tying the legs.  
Chadwick managed to catch the calf after three failed attempts ; yet Dean needed some more time to turn the animal on its flank...  
« Dammit… Stop moving » he was enraged  
The animal was running in circles and Chadwick pulled the lasso to prevent it from getting rid of it. After a few seconds that seemed long minutes, Dean managed to lay the animal on the ground and put a knee on its flank to maintain it.  
He grabbed the rope hanging from his belt and tied the legs the best he could.  
« YES ! » he shouted, raising his arms.  
He grabbed his son by the shoulders as he dusted himself with his hat.  
« So, what do you think ?» he looked at Garth and smiled.  
« Kind of OK » he turned to Castiel and Jewel.  
Mark freed the calf and let it out. Another one came in the perimeter.  
« Stay calm, Sweetie, ok ?» Castiel smiled at her.  
She straightened up proudly and held her lasso with a firm grip.  
« Just do as we said » he winked at her.  
« Yessss » she tried to wink back.  
She went in and started to speak to the animal, extending a hand so it could smell her. The calf, intrigued by her attitude, walked closer to her. She petted it and gently put the lasso around its neck.  
« Hey, that’s unfair ! » Dean was outraged and turned to Garth.  
« The purpose of the game is to catch the animal with the lasso and control it… So far, so good »  
« Why am I not surprised ?» Dean was enraged and stamped its feet on the first rail of the fence.  
In just a few seconds, Castiel knocked the animal over and tied it.  
« YES! » He claimed, imitating Dean’s earlier exclamation.  
« Idjit » the latter mumbled, though a little smile stretched his lips.  
« And the winners by knockout are… Jewel and Castiel! » Mark proclaimed.  
« KO bullshit » Dean whispered. Chadwick immediately rushed to his sister to congratulate her.  
« Did you see me, Dad ? » she pulled in his shirt.  
« I saw you, pumpkin, well done » he said, pulling the bandana.  
   
The next trial was a barrel race with four checkpoints. Mark demonstrated what they had to do.  
The children were in awe of his performance. Dean bit his lower lip. Castiel smiled.  
Jewel was the first participant to run... Dean leaned on the fence and waved his hat with energy... Jewel trotted around the barrels, her mare seemed to master the circuit.  
« YEEHAW!» her father shouted when she reached the finishing line.  
« Dad, did you see that ? » she was all smiles.  
«You did great, pumpkin » he helped her down the horse as Mark was bringing Light back to the second paddock.  
And then it was Chadwick’s turn. He was holding the reins with one hand. Dean was impressed and called Garth to witness more than once.  
« Hey look… just look at him » Jewel was sitting on the fence, with her Dad’s arms around her.  
« Go, Chad, go !» Castiel encouraged him.  
Garth clicked on the stopwatch.  
« Wow, not bad at all » he pushed his Stetson back and smiled to Chadwick who joined them.  
« Your turn, Dean » Garth smiled.  
« Don’t start again making fun of me, got it ? » Dean helped his little girl down the fence.  
Castiel leaned on it, Jewel standing on his right, Chadwick on his left.  
« Bring it on, Dean, you’re gonna make it… you’re the best » Castiel laughed.  
Dean pulled his hat on his forehead with an angry look. He soared and let his horse do as it pleased, barely indicating when to turn...  
Suddenly, he felt happy, free as he had stepped in the shoes of a real Cowboy. His children were shouting words of encouragement. He reached the finishing line and stopped in front of Garth.  
« So ? » he pushed his hat back and leaned on the pommel.  
« Chad was faster than you » he smiled, looking him in the eyes.  
« I don’t care… It felt so great » he dismounted and patted the horse neck.  
« Your turn, Castiel » Garth encouraged.  
Castiel was at one with Cheyenne. The children were screaming at the top of their lungs. So was Dean. Castiel was in his element.  
He won so easily that all of them gave him an ovation when he reached the fence.  
« Man… you rocked ! » Dean admitted.  
   
They spent the rest of the day around the campfire. The children had spent more time with their horse. They had a hard time to hold the tears so Dean promised they would come again one day.  
Chadwick fell asleep against his father and Jewel curled up on Castiel’s knees.  
Garth, at a distance, observed this not-so-ordinary family for a while and finally understood what Balthazar had meant.

  
   
www

  
   
The morning after, each one said goodbye to their horse. However, Castiel refused to say goodbye to Cheyenne. He preferred to load the car while Dean and the children were in the stables...  
Jewel cried. Chadwick and his father weren’t feeling good either.  
Garth waited for them with Mark, Pedro and Jack.  
« Thanks... We spent a fabulous week here! » he pulled Garth towards him and patted him in the back.  
He then shook hand with the other three men.  
« I’d like to give you this… a little souvenir » he gave him a DVD.  
« What is it ? »  
« The Winchesters/Novak Adventures in the Wild West » Mark answered with a big smile.  
« You mean… you’ve been filming us? » Dean’s eyes widened.  
« Indeed, we did » Mark confirmed.  
« All of it? » Dean further asked, suddenly a bit worried.  
« The whole shebang ! » Mark insisted.  
« That’ll make great memories » Jack added  
«Yeah… Great memories... I don’t know how to thank you all. »  
« Come again someday » Garth snapped immediately.  
« That’s a promise I’ll keep for sure » Dean replied, pulling on the border of his hat.  
It took them quite a while to say their final goodbyes. Jewel hugged each of the four men, Chadwick thanked them again and again.  
Castiel smiled to Garth and took him in his arms.  
« Thanks for everything » he whispered in his ear.  
« I hope that one day » Garth didn’t finish his sentence ; Castiel knew what he’d meant.  
They looked at each other for a brief moment.  
« He’ll understand… eventually » Garth finally said.  
« Understand what… eventually ? » Dean repeated as he walked towards them.  
« Nothing… We were talking about Balty and Bryan » Castiel promptly explained, looking away from Garth.  
« Oh » Dean called the children.  
They were broken-hearted when they left the « Black Horse » Dean turned to Castiel.  
Then he looked in the rear-view mirror.  
Dean wondered if, one day, there will be some place left for someone else in this family.

 

End of chapter XII


	13. Monsters Inc.

 

Weeks had gone by, peacefully, normal life had resumed, habits and routine had settled back in...  
Dean observed as Castiel was helping Chadwick doing his homeworks while listening to Jewel reciting her poem.  
Leaning on the door frame with a cup of coffee in his hand, he felt soothed and he wished this moment of pure happiness would last forever.  
Since the night of the aggression on Castiel, Dean had to admit he was looking at his friend in a different way.  
Today, there was fear in his eyes…Fear of losing everything one day...  
That feeling had been persistent since his mother’s death. Life was so fragile, sometimes holding by a thread. Tessa was a painful reminder of it.  
So he was determined to cherish moments like this one and treasure them in his heart.  
His thumb fidgeted nervously with the anse of his cup.  
Today he was wondering how to introduce a new piece in his family puzzle.  
He had been dating Lisa Braeden for almost two months now; it was time to introduce her to the rest of the family. He had understood since the beginning of their relationship that she wouldn’t be just a one-night adventure, that perhaps, he could build something solid with her.  
Chadwick woke him up from his reverie.  
He saw the boy close his book and smile to Castiel who returned the smile. One nod and Chadwick understood he was free to go. Castiel concentrated then on Jewel’s poem. She was having a hard time, although Castiel had the patience of a saint.  
   
Lisa would try to find her place among them… What would it be ?  
Would she take over Castiel’s responsibilities?  
Somehow, this thought was cutting through his soul because it was a little truth he refused to acknowledge.  
If Lisa was to live with them in this house, she wouldn’t be a new Tessa, nor a new mother, but simply a feminine presence… She had confessed she loved kids and she wanted to have some.  
She was well aware of Chadwick and Jewel’s existence.  
And she knew about Castiel... She also knew about the bond between them… She said she understood.  
Understand it was way too different from living with it from the inside...  
Besides, how do you ask the man who shared your existence for more than ten years, who became the very foundation of your family for more than two years to give up his seat to someone else? Dean didn’t even know whether he felt like asking Castiel to do just that.  
He knew Castiel would agree to step aside, for the children’s sake and his own. He had said so before, but Dean wasn’t to be taken in by this declaration, he had seen how much it had affected Castiel to say the words...  
He drank up his cup... As long as he was asking himself this kind of questions, it meant he wasn’t ready yet.  
He couldn’t take his eyes off his friend’s neck...  
Castiel probably felt it: he slightly turned around and looked at him.  
Dean felt a twinge… He smiled but his eyes were filled with doubts.  
Castiel knew... He had that peculiar way of deciphering Dean’s eyes.  
He quickly got the picture of what was going on: Dean was out more often than usual.  
Nevertheless, he had promised that he would never leave them… Dean smiled and his face brightened up.  
Castiel would always be there, he would never lose him.  
He felt selfish yet he couldn’t help it. He needed Castiel around, close to him.  
Castiel turned around again and listened to Jewel...His heart sank... He knew that day would come… He had just hoped.  
He sighed… Whatever.  
« C’mon Jewel... You’re almost done… You have to know it for tomorrow, remember? Think about Friday night, ok? » He said, gently stroking her cheek.  
« But it’s difficult »  
« I know, Sweetie, but look… only three more lines to go»  
« I’m tired» she pouted.  
« You know what? » he gently raised her chin and forced her to look at him.  
She waited for the answer.  
« We’ll walk Apache for a little while and then we’re treat ourselves with an ice cream at the Park. Then we’ll come back and go on with our little poem? How’s that sound? »  
« Sounds perfect » she was all smiles.  
« Good. Go get your coat »  
She jumped from her seat.  
« There’s no denying there… You really have a way with the kids...» Dean said as he walked closer.  
« Obviously, I’m definitely better with them than with adults » Castiel forced himself to laugh, although his face was exempt from joy.  
An uncomfortable silence grew between them. He stood up and almost bumped in Dean, standing in front of him, not moving an inch.  
« Cass » he said, looking down.  
« Listen, Dean… Halloween is in two days... I still need to find a suitable costume, and so do you, and hopefully not a silly one, this time » he tried to smile. « We’ll talk about it later, ‘cause right now, I… I don’t feel like discussing this» his voice was hoarse, even a bit more than usual.  
« I understand... » he felt stupid, not knowing what to do with his arms or hands.... Too close from him.  
« No, you don’t » Castiel whispered with sadness in his tone, putting a hand on Dean’s chest and gently pushing him away.  
Dean felt his heart beating faster and reluctantly stepped one step back.  
« What do you mean, I don’t? » he asked, raising eyebrows.  
« Nothing » Castiel answered, adopting a fake thoughtlessness.  
Dean watched him as he left the kitchen. He looked down at his own chest and remembered the feeling of Castiel’s hand on his heart.  
He vigorously rubbed his face...  
One day, he would introduce Lisa to the family… but not now… nobody was ready for this… Let alone him.

  
   
www

  
   
« No way I’m gonna wear this! » Dean shouted, leaving the room.  
« But Daaaad! » Jewel ran after him.  
« NO. I said NO, Jewel… And don’t you do your puppy eyes with me, it won’t work. You won’t trick me this time »  
Castiel, arms crossed on his chest, was smiling as he heard the argument going on between father and daughter in the kitchen.  
He glanced at the armchair and started to laugh as he knew Dean would eventually give in and wear the costume she has selected for him.  
Chadwick came back from the walk with the dog and made a face when he heard the crying tone of his sister.  
Castiel nodded at the armchair. Chadwick unleashed the dog and came closer.  
« Are you kidding? » he turned around and looked at Castiel with shining eyes.  
« Your father was working this morning. He gave your sister carte blanche to pick up his costume. So I took the ones you had reserved for yourself, I selected mine and your sister chose… this! » He pointed to Dean’s costume.  
« Holy cow! » he ruffled through his hair.  
« As you say! »  
« I’ll get the camera » he took off his vest and laughed. « This is gonna be real fun»  
« You bet» Castiel laughed too.  
« I can’t wait till tomorrow! » Chadwick shouted as he climbed the stairs to his bedroom.  
Castiel leaned down and grabbed all the costumes... Apache took refuge in the kitchen and looked at him from afar, sitting, pricking up its ears.  
« No comment or I’ll disguise you as an alley cat » Castiel promised, as he walked away.

  
   
www

  
   
As every year, on Halloween’s eve, the family worked together at the decoration of their house...  
Dean was ranting as he painfully carried the old shabby scarecrow back from the cellar... He pitched it in the little green spot that was supposed to be an alley and hung the skull-and-crossbones knocker on the door...  
Jewel and her brother happily decorated the windows with skeletons and fake spider webs...  
It ended all with a pitched battle with decoration sprays. Apache was hopping and skipping from one kid to the other.  
« Now that’s enough. Put those away now » Dean was a bit pissed and raised his voice.  
Chadwick and Jewel, without a word and in unison turned to their father, with a mischievous smile on their face.  
« Don’t you even think about it » Dean pointed a threatening finger at them.  
He hardly had time to finish his sentence and ended up under the crossfire when the kids sprayed spider webs all over him.  
« Wait, I’m gonna..... » but it was not use, he couldn’t take it off him.  
« CASS » he shouted for help.  
« I’m not mixing in! ‘Told you not to leave them alone » Castiel shouted, safely entrenched in the kitchen.  
« TRAITOR ! » Dean shouted back, trying in vain to get rid of the spider web glued all over his fingers and hair.  
He turned to Chadwick and showed a threatening finger covered with the sticky substance...  
« Next year, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THIS... » He said, walking to the kitchen.  
« And clean this mess, RIGHT NOW »  
Chadwick and Jewel looked at each other.  
« Gimme five » the boy said, extending a hand to his sister. She hit it as hard as she could.  
« It was even more fun than last year» she was skipping in joy.  
Someone sneezed behind their back. Apache tried to get rid of some spider web sticking on his nose.

  
   
www

 

Castiel was standing in front of the kitchen table, scouping out a huge pumpkin. He frowned, focusing on his task...  
Dean rushed in, obviously angry.  
« I could have used some help here !» he was mad, brushing through his hair covered with white spider webs.  
« Come here» Castiel put down his spoon and smiled at him with lots of tenderness.  
« What kind of crazy thought to come up with such stuff » Dean was pissed and rubbed his hands on his pants.  
« Stop complaining, you old grumpy ! » Castiel sighed, with amusement.  
« And of course, all you can do is laugh about it »  
Castiel started to peel off the web residues... Dean suddenly felt uncomfortable, feeling Castiel so close to him...  
« I’m all right… Go on doing what you were up to » he said, moving a few steps away, trying to act casual.  
« I’d better take a shower to get rid of it all» he smiled, trying to hide the turmoil sneaking in his heart.  
« As you wish, Dean » Castiel replied, taking away a piece of web hanging on his eyebrow. His finger brushed against Dean’s cheek.  
Their eyes met.  
« Don’t bother » he said, brushing his hand away.  
Before leaving the room, he felt he had to regain some confidence and turned to Castiel...  
« I’ll be back in 5 » softly hitting the door frame.  
Castiel smiled, aware of his friend’s embarrassment... Dean… and his everlasting personal space, he sighed.  
He picked up the spoon and concentrated on the pumpkin again...  
He set the flesh aside in a big bowl. Dean came back about 10 minutes later and granted him a wry smile which Castiel returned... He pulled up his sleeves, looked at the bowl and prepared all the ingredients for a soup.  
Dean repeated the same routine he had adopted since he was a kid. He had learned from him mother who had learned from her own mother. Somehow he wanted to perpetuate the tradition with his own kids.  
Castiel had never done anything similar in his youth, only vicariously, as his own parents considered this tradition a pagan one, thus forbidden in their house.  
At most, he was allowed to go for a trick-or-treat tour with his class comrades, under his mother’s severe supervision...  
He had only found out about the joy of celebration with his first boyfriend and since then, he’d never missed one.  
However, he had never enjoyed this festival as much as when he celebrated it for the first time with Tessa and her little ordinary family.  
She taught him to scout the pumpkin and turn it into the decorative element which was essential to a proper celebration.  
He was the one who took up the torch when she died and Dean’d found nothing wrong about it...  
Like everything else related to this family, it all seemed natural.  
   
« I’m gonna make it clear, I won’t go any further than down the street this year » Dean said, tasting the soup with a satisfied click of the tongue.  
« Dean... It’s Halloween » Castiel insisted.  
« It’s a celebration for the kids » Dean grouched.  
« ... And the adults » Castiel went on.  
Dean turned around and faced his friend, digging out the second eye of his masterpiece.  
« Don’t even think I’m gonna walk in the streets dressed in this ridiculous outfit ! » Dean snapped, pointing at the living room.  
« Not any more ridiculous than wearing boxer shorts and socks, with shaving foam on your face ! »  
« Please, don’t start again with this » Dean warned. « Damn draught... I didn’t end up half naked outside by choice or for pleasure, OK ? » he moved towards the cooker.  
« The female neighbors never complained about it, as far as I know » Castiel added, contemplating his finished work with a smile of satisfaction.  
« What do you think ? » Castiel questioned, a bit hesitant.  
« About what ? » Dean ranted.  
« I’ll never manage to do as good as her » he whispered, suddenly lost in his thoughts.  
« It looks great, I mean it, Cass » Dean took him by the shoulders, granted him a genuine tender smile and handed him a full spoon.  
« Here, taste this and tell me what you think »  
Castiel complied, looking into the empty eyes of his pumpkin.  
« Perfect » he smiled, now staring at Dean.

  
   
www

  
   
When they were done setting all the decorations, cleaning the house and cooking the soup, Castiel went to the supermarket. His next mission was to buy treats and pop-corn they’d share during the horror movies evening...  
Tonight, « Attack of the Killer Tomatoes » and « Eight Legged Freaks » were on and Jewel could watch them without being scared.  
The next day would be Halloween’s eve.  
As Dean refused to let his children wander alone in the streets, he decided to accompany them as he had done every year... Surprisingly, they’d never complained about it... as long as their father and Castiel were disguised as well... They were actually not the only parents to do so...  
Over the years, Dean had been disguised successively as Batman, Lone Ranger, one of the Men in Black and other super heroes... The year before, he had imposed to every member of the family to pick up one of the « Avenger » movie characters.  
Chadwick had dressed as Hawkeye, Jewel as Black Widow... Dean had chosen Iron man.  
Castiel cursed as he didn’t have much choice. All that was left was either Hulk – and to say the truth, he couldn’t imagine himself in the green monster outfit - or Captain America.  
His final decision had been easy to predict.  
He had spent the early evening trying not to get a wedgie. It got on his nerves until the moment he decided to go home and change. He came back dressed as Steve Rodgers, with a shield hanging on his back.  
Dean made a face ; Castiel yelled at him.  
« Don’t say a word ! » pointing a threatening finger. « I’m already wearing this stupid wig. I won’t wiggle in chick panties. This hero is a total loser » Castiel was furious and waved his arms in the air.  
Dean had rarely seen him so angry but it was normal after he had spent all evening teasing him.  
He started to laugh, leaning on his shoulder.  
« I love you, Cass.... You’re so unique, trust me » he said, joining the children.  
« C’mon, you’re a perfect greasy hero knockoff ».  
« Shut up, Dean » Castiel replied, throwing a handful of candies at him.  
   
Castiel smiled... His so ordinary family.  
He filled a few bowls with popcorn and joined the others in the living room. Impatience was in the air.  
The only lamp they switched on was the one on the desk, covered with an orange cloth to give the room the proper atmosphere.  
He sat on the couch, Jewel sat close to him. Dean and his son sat on the floor. Castiel looked at them and wondered which was actually the real kid.  
Apache lied down next to the coffee table, his nose at close range of the popcorn.  
« Dream on... » Dean said, grabbing the bowl, putting it on his lap and getting comfortable with his back against the couch. He didn’t notice that he was in fact leaning on Castiel’s leg, who smiled but didn’t say a word.  
Chadwick inserted the first movie in the DVD reader.  
Jewel laughed during half of the movie and Chadwick couldn’t help but making fun of all the low-rate special effects.  
Castiel suddenly froze in astonishment.  
« Is that George Clooney ? »  
« Yes, it’s really him » Chadwick confirmed, reading the credentials on the DVD box.  
« Dammit ! He’s a lot more fuckable today » Castiel whispered, leaning to grab a handful of popcorn in the bowl Dean was refusing to share.  
« Cass » Dean softly said, wide-eyed.  
« Why not ? It’s the truth... I wouldn’t refuse him anything if he asked nicely » he said with a smirk.  
« You wouldn’t refuse what to whom ? » Jewel asked innocently. She seemed to get bored.  
« That’s why ! » Dean snapped back.  
« Your father » Castiel replied quickly.  
« I beg your pardon ? » Dean startled, his eyes full of doubt.  
« ....I was wondering if he would share the popcorn that I bought, the one I prepared and which he keeps for himself » Castiel went on, with the same tone.  
« OK, OK… Here, help yourself » he raised the bowl towards him but it was almost empty. « OK, I’m gonna prepare some more »  
« So generous of you » Castiel sighed, looking at the few crumbs left in the bowl.  
« Could you bring some more sodas, while you’re at it, please ? » Castiel shouted at Dean.  
« Don’t push your luck » Dean answered back.  
   
So, « Attack of the Killer Tomatoes » left them puzzled. On the other hand, they were all unanimous about « Arac attack ». Jewel startled once in a while, which made Castiel startled in turn. But all in all they enjoyed the horror movie parody.  
« That was soooo funny » Jewel stated at the end of the movie, curled up against Castiel.  
« I saw that » he said, teasing her.  
« I wasn’t that scared » she claimed, straightening up with pride.  
« You’ve been very brave » Castiel smiled at her, ruffling through her hair.  
« Now, time to go to bed.... Otherwise, you won’t need any horror make-up on tour face tomorrow». He started to stand up to encourage her to do the same.  
That’s when he realized Dean hadn’t moved his head from his leg the whole evening.  
He inadvertently knocked the back of Dean’s head with his knee.  
« Sorry »  
« Never mind.... Don’t you worry, it’s nothing but my head, after all » Dean started to laugh and stood up too.  
Apache jumped on its feet... Dean sighed.  
« Oh crap ! »  
« Go ahead… I’ll get the kids to bed»  
« All right… Good night, kids »  
« ‘Night, Dad » Chadwick replied, as he was already going upstairs.  
« Don’t I even get a goodnight hug ? » Dean complained.  
« Daaaaad !» his son let out a long sigh, still climbing up.  
« Yeah… I know » he said with a vexed look.  
« I wanna give you a hug » Jewel stared at him with big loving eyes.  
« Come here, pumpkin » he lifted her and gave her a big kiss on the cheek.  
He turned to Castiel who was cleaning up the table.  
« Don’t bother… We’ll take care of that tomorrow morning »  
« It’ll only take a few minutes, Dean... Go and take the dog for a walk or else he’ll turn the entrance into Yellowstone Lake » he said, pointing at Apache sitting in front of the door.  
« Yes, Sir » Dean replied, putting his daughter down again.  
   
Dean came back half an hour later ; Castiel had tidied up the whole place.  
« Stubborn as a mule ! » he sighed as he unleashed the dog.  
« Cass ? »  
« I’m here » he called from the kitchen.  
« I was waiting for you before going to bed »  
« Care for one last beer ? » Dean asked with a smile.  
Castiel hesitated.  
« Why not ? After all, I don’t work tomorrow. »  
They sat around the kitchen table and talked about this and that for about an hour. Dean needed his relaxing time.  
He was beginning to assess the importance of Castiel’s presence in his life, yet he had a hard time thinking straight. It was still too bewildered.  
What had disturbed him most lately was this uncomfortable feeling when standing too close from him… but also the gut reaction he needed him by his side at the same time. It was conflicting and upsetting all at once. He started to laugh as he drank up the rest of his beer.  
If Lisa hadn’t showed up in his life, he would have been suspicious of something quite different.  
« Are you OK ? » Castiel put down his bottle.  
« Yeah… Just tired… I’m going to bed... I’m exhausted »  
« Dean » Castiel looked down at the beer can in his hands.  
« About yesterday… »  
« What about yesterday ? » Dean wondered where Castiel was getting at.  
« You wanted to talk to me when Jewel was reciting her poem »  
« Oh, that… never mind,... wasn’t important» he replied, leaving the table.  
« You’re sure ? »  
« I’m sure, Cass » Dean smiled.  
« ‘Night »  
« Good night, Dean » Castiel replied. He stood up and headed for his bedroom.

  
   
www

  
   
The morning after.  
As each year on Halloween’s day, Dean got up earlier to prepare the Horror Breakfast...  
When everything was set, he put on his « Scream » mask and went upstairs to wake up the children...  
« EVERYBODY UP !» he shouted with that foghorn of a voice.  
Of course, Jewel was already full awake and jumped in his arms.  
Chadwick, on the other hand, waved at him to go away and disappeared under the comforter.  
« Dad... Let me sleep »  
« It’s 8 o’clock. Get up, you lazy one… Salem’s breakfast is on the table »  
Jewel jumped on her feet and rushed on her brother’s bed...  
« Get up ! Get up !! We’re gonna eat skulls and crossbones »  
Chadwick raised and howled. Jewel almost fell from the bed and screamed. As a matter of fact, it was a mixture of scream and laughter.  
Dean had startled as well. Chadwick began to laugh as he took off his werewolf mask.  
« You should’ve seen your faces » he fell down again on his bed, laughing out loud. « That was great ! »  
« Hilarious, for sure » Dean mumbled as he went out of their bedroom, which made Jewel and her brother laugh even louder.  
« These kids… I swear to God » he went upstairs to Castiel’s room.  
He banged on the door like a man possessed  
« GET UUUUUUUUUUP » he shouted  
The door opened and Castiel looked at him, arms crossed on his chest, gently nodding his head.  
« Aren’t you too old for this ? »  
Dean took off his mask.  
« Don’t be such a killjoy ! » he replied with a smile.  
« Skull-and-crossbones bread ? » he unfolded his arms  
«Skull-and-crossbones bread » Dean winked.  
« I’m right behind ya »  
   
The so-called skull-and-crossbones bread was in fact composed of small sweet buns on which Dean had chocolate-painted skulls.  
He had filled them with a chocolate bar which would melt in hot milk.  
The buns were displayed in a fake coffin made of candy wrapping...  
The children loved that little Winchester ritual. It was also the moment they drew lots to determine who would light the pumpkin.  
Rock-paper-scissors.  
Dean lost every time. This year, the honor fell upon Chadwick... he lit the candle and placed the pumpkin on the opposite side of the scarecrow. Apache was on his tail and decreed appropriate to lift his leg on it.  
« APACHE... Goddammit ! » Dean shouted.  
The dog immediately ran back into the house and took refuge in his basket.  
« Look at the bright side, no one will steal it after that ! » Castiel noted, one hand on Jewel’s shoulder.  
« Ha ha ha, very funny. Anyway, you’ll be the one to store it back in the cellar. »  
They complimented on the pumpkin soup that Dean had prepared for supper, as each year. Megan and John had joined them. Jewel spent the whole afternoon playing with Marissa.  
Chadwick played on his PlayStation with John. Their guests left later in the afternoon.  
Halloween night was about to begin.

  
   
www

  
   
They were all waiting for him.  
Jewel had selected a Snow White costume, as the Cinderella one wasn’t available...  
Chadwick cosplayed a Walking Dead character. Castiel had given him a fake bite that was covering half of his right cheek and had smeared on fake blood on his face and clothes...  
He had given Chadwick his own worn-out clothes and ripped them in several places to make them look more authentic.  
Chadwick was extremely proud and Jewel pouted for not having the same idea.  
So, Castiel proposed to turn the little princess into a zombie...  
Dean was taking his time to get dressed in his bedroom which gave Castiel plenty of time to put on some make up on Jewel’s face.  
He drew dark circles around her eyes and a bite on her arm. She was delighted.

« Why don’t you do the same on you ? »  
« I don’t think so… Indiana Jones will never be a zombie » Castiel said, pushing his hat back.  
« What’s taking Dad so long ? » Chadwick got impatient.  
« I guess he’s hanging his head in shame » Castiel smiled.  
« Yeah, right » the boy smiled at Castiel, exhibiting the camera in his hands.  
« Dean ...We’re all waiting for you ! » Castiel shouted down the stairs.  
« Fuck you ! »  
The door on the first floor opened.  
They all waited in a deadly silence for Dean to appear.  
« Oh My God ! » Castiel was all smiles. He put both hands on his face, leaving a tiny place open for his glowing eyes to peek.  
« Chad ! » he called.  
« I’m gonna die laughing » he raised his camera, ready to shoot. His eyes were filled with tears.  
Dean was standing there… in a full Winnie the Pooh outfit, including the rubber paws (hands and feet), dressed in fake fur from head to toes.  
The highlight of the show was the hood covering his head, properly equipped with big ears on each side.  
« I don’t wanna hear ONE word !» Dean said in a quiet voice, threatening them with the giant plastic honey pot he was holding.  
It was more than they could bear. Castiel bursted out laughing, soon imitated by Chadwick, doubled up with laughter… He had a hard time taking a clear picture.  
« You look so great, Dad» Jewel cuddled up against him and closed her eyes.  
Dean glanced daggers at Castiel.  
« You’re gonna pay for this » He put his hand/paw on his daughter’s head.  
Apache came closer and felt perplexed as he studied Dean’s costume.  
He just sat there and stared at him.  
« What’s the matter ? Never seen a bear before ? »  
The dog stood up, waving his tail and barked, which made Castiel and Chadwick laugh even louder, if it were at all possible.

  
   
www

  
   
« Oh Mr. Winchester » Mrs. Crowley, the 80-year-old woman living down the street, was in awe. She distributed the treats. « It’s the most beautiful costume I’ve seen all evening »  
« Well… thanks » Dean grumbled, wiping the sweat from his forehead.  
« What about you, Sir. What are you dressed as ? » she asked, observing Castiel with a doubtful expression.  
« As a bear tamer » he replied, nodding at Dean.  
He felt a sudden slap on the back of his head and his hat fell on the ground...  
« He still needs to learn some manners, but I’m properly equipped » he went on with a large smile, taking the whip from his belt.  
« Trick or treat ? » Jewel claimed, presenting her bucket.  
Mrs. Crowley grabbed a handful of candies in her bag and threw them in the little girl’s bucket.  
« Happy Halloween » they all greeted the old lady and went down the porch stairs.  
Dean saw Castiel raise his whip.  
« You wouldn’t dare ! » he pointed an angry paw at him.  
« Watcht me»  
Dean tried to run away, wrapped up in his outfit… he felt the whiplash down his back.  
« Sonafabitch !» he turned around and threw the plastic bucket at him...  
Castiel avoided the hit. However the bucket fell on one of Mrs Crowley’s garden gnomes and blew its head off.  
« Oh Fuck… Let’s get the hell outa here» Dean was laughing his ass off.  
Castiel picked up the bucket and they all ran to the next house.  
Dean was sweating a lot, he was breathless and tried to let some air in his lungs, his hands resting on his knees.  
« I think I’m gonna die » he said, dabbing his wet forehead and smiling.  
« Let’s finish this street and then we’ll head back home, OK ? » Castiel suggested to the children. « We’ve been out for an hour and a half, I think we have enough treats for the ten years to come »  
« All right, but first…. » Chadwick talked to a witch on the sidewalk and came back to them...  
« She’s gonna take a picture of us » he announced as he ran back to them.  
A flash… A souvenir… Laughters.... It was their first joyful Halloween since Tessa’s death....  
When they finally came back home, they were all extremely tired... Dean painfully climbed the stairs to his bedroom to get changed, almost tripping on every step....  
Chadwick sat on the floor and played with Apache while Jewel displayed the candies on the kitchen table and started to sort them.  
Castiel was on the « Trick or Treat ? » fatigue duty.  
Dean eventually joined them. His cheeks were blushed from the heat he had to endure trapped in his costume.  
« I’m completely dehydrated» Dean opened the fridge and took a beer which he offered to Castiel, then he gave one soda to each kid and took another beer for himself.  
Leaning on the cooker, with Castiel by his side, he watched the children sorting and devoring the treats, fighting over them in a gentle way.  
« OK, that’s it for today. Everybody take a shower and go to bed » Dean announced, putting his beer on the counter.  
« But Daddy, it’s still early » Jewel complained.  
« It’s past midnight. Up up up, let’s go » He gently pushed her from her chair.  
« You’ll have plenty of time for that tomorrow »  
« I’ll go and blow the pumpkin candle » Chadwick disappeared for a moment with Apache on his trail.

  
   
www

  
   
Castiel put the candies away in a big bowl. Then, he sat down, stretched his legs and put his hat on the table.  
Dean hailed him from the door frame.  
« I don’t know about you, but I’m sure dog tired... I’m going to bed »  
« Good night, Dean » he replied with a smile.  
« I had a great time today »  
« So have I, Winnie »  
« Smart ass » Dean laughed and left.  
Castiel drank the rest of his beer, one hand stroking Apache, sitting by his side....  
His ordinary family.

End of chapter XIII  
 


	14. A Saturday unlike any other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here comes Lisa...  
> Don't blame her already, she'll have a role to play in the evolution of the relationship between Dean and Castiel.
> 
> Jesus, i was so sad and broke for Castiel when i wrote this, i love this character too much for my own good ...XD.  
> Hope you gonna like this chapter.

 

Dean parked the car in front of the house but hesitated a long while before stepping out.  
He had postponed for so many days, spending the night elsewhere made him feel gutless and lacking conviction.  
He finally understood it was time to take the leap, because there would be questions asked.  
It was almost 7 a.m. ; the children were probably up by now, Castiel was certainly preparing breakfast.  
All of them had undoubtedly noticed his absence.  
He sighed and stepped out of the car… The familiar creaking sound of the vehicle doors reassured him somehow.

He’d only just put the key in the hole when Apache rushed from the living room to greet him. He stroked him absent-mindedly and closed the door behind him.  
« Daaaaad » Jewel, still dressed in her blue Mickey Mouse pajamas, ran to him.  
« Morning Pumpkin » he took her in his arms and held her tight.  
« Where were you? » She pushed away and stared at him.  
« C’mon… I need to tell you something… Is Chad downstairs? » He put Jewel on the floor.  
« Yes. And Castiel… And Balty » she pulled him away and made him follow her.  
Balty... Dean had presumed he was still at Bryan’s... This Bryan guy seemed to take a greater place in the compulsive chaser’s life.  
After all, Dean thought he’d better tell everyone, once and for all. His absence had already been the first clue on what he was about to announce.

  
« Hi » he greeted everyone as he walked in the kitchen and granted them a nervous smile.  
« Hi Dad » his son saluted him, with a wry smile.  
Dean stroked his hair as he passed by, he took his jacket off and put it on the back of his chair.  
Castiel hadn’t moved an inch. Nor Balty, who seemed to hesitate between uttering a sarcastic remark and keeping his mouth shut, to respect his lover’s silent attitude.  
Dean poured himself a cup of coffee.  
« Where have you been ? » Chadwick finally asked.  
« As a matter of fact, I wanted to tell you about it… » He sat down and tried to make eye contact with Castiel but the latter was putting butter on a toast and focusing on this task and nothing else.  
« Well, I… » he breathed deeply, trying to hide he felt uncomfortable. « I met someone… and I’ve stayed at her place last night »  
There was a long silence, only interrupted by the clicks of spoons and knives.  
« Say something, for Christ’s sake » Dean begged.  
« What’s her name? » Chadwick asked in a neutral tone.  
« Lisa »  
« How long have you known her? » He further asked, looking deeply into his father’s eyes.  
« Almost three months »  
« And you’ve been waiting all this time to tell us? » Balty stated, grabbing the jar of jam. «What were you waiting for? Till the cows come home ? »  
« I wanted to be sure » Dean felt a bit irritated and also uncomfortable because of Balty’s tone.  
« Sure of what? » He replied, looking sideways at Castiel who hadn’t said a word yet.  
« I don’t know… Sure, that’s it. »  
« Are you in love with her?» Chadwick asked, leaning on the back of his chair. Jewel looked at her father.  
« I care about her, if that’s what you wanna know »  
Balty saw Castiel’s chin tense up yet the latter remained silent. Balty knew that he would probably collapse, should Dean address him directly.  
« Did you sleep with her ? » Jewel asked with a sweet innocent voice. « As on TV? »  
« Yes. » her father answered, feeling embarrassed, to say the least. « As on TV »  
« So when do you intend to introduce her, now that you’ve spilled the beans? » Balty said with bitter irony.  
« Balty » Castiel’s voice cracked like a whiplash. « That’s enough » he added, looking at him. « Please » his voice became more gentle.  
The expression on Castiel’s face was so blank that Balty didn’t feel like adding anything else. He looked down at his coffee cup.  
« I thought I could invite her for dinner next Saturday... So that… so that you can all meet her» Dean finally said, manipulating his cup, feeling nervous.  
« Good » that’s all Castiel said, avoiding eye contact.  
If he had stared at Dean right now, he would have fallen apart, the pain in his heart was way too sharp.  
« Kids… Go and fetch your bags… We’re gonna be late for school » Castiel said in an extremely low voice.  
Chadwick stood up and granted his father a nasty look.  
« Give her a chance, please » Dean put his hand on his son’s arm.  
« What about Mom? » the boy had tears in his eyes.  
He felt the pressure on his arm getting stronger.  
« I will always love her, Chad, you know that. But... »  
« I know, Dad » Chadwick replied with a very sad smile.  
« Is she gonna live with us? » Jewel asked.  
« I don’t know. It’s too soon to tell, pumpkin» Dean said in all sincerity.  
They were distracted by a metallic sound. Castiel picked up the knives that had slipped out of his hands.  
« Go ahead, I’ll take care of it » Balty stood up and sighed. He gently pushed Castiel away.  
« Cass? » Dean was worried.  
« C’mon, kids » Castiel was talking to the children, so that he wouldn’t have to talk to Dean.  
The children gave their father a kiss and walked out of the kitchen without saying another word. At the last moment, Chadwick turned to his father.  
« I… I don’t want her to come and live with us »  
« Chad? »  
« This is our home, Dad... » There was no rage in his voice, just the expression of a simple fact. In his mind and probably in Jewel’s too, there was no place for a new person within these walls… theirs walls.  
Dean didn’t judge them, he understood. He wasn’t even sure himself to wish for it, after all.  
The next Saturday was going to be a day out of the ordinary, for sure.  
He raised his eyes on Castiel who hadn’t said a word since the « big news ».  
« Aren’t you gonna say something? » he asked. His voice was shaking.  
« There’s nothing to say » He walked out of the kitchen.

« But... » he turned to Balty, hoping for some rescue there.  
« Don’t count on me to give you the same explanation, AGAIN. I’ve tried for seven years now but obviously, it hasn’t popped in your brains yet » he snapped, leaning on the sink.  
« What was I supposed to…? »  
« If I weren’t so afraid to lose him, I swear that I… Dean, you’re such an asshole » he sighed and cleaned the rest of the dishes on the table. « Why don’t you get ready and go to work, you’re gonna be late» Balty said.  
« I own that garage, remember? So I can show up when it pleases me and it’s my home, all right?» Dean stood up. He felt rather pissed.  
« Yeah sure » Balty pushed him absent-mindedly to take his empty plate.  
« I didn’t even have time to eat » Dean complained, pointing at his plate.  
« You should have done that at her place !» Balty looked daggers at him, using the plate as a potential weapon.  
« But.... » he just looked at Balty who put the plate back in the cupboard. 

  
   
www

  
   
The silence in the car was weighing on their hearts so much that even Jewel remained silent. She wanted to speak but she saw her brother’s expression and Castiel’s empty eyes ; she understood she’d better keep her mouth shut. So she looked at the landscape instead.  
Chadwick was desperately trying to make eye contact with Castiel who hadn’t spoken since they left.  
In two days, she’d be among them. He sighed.  
« Do you know her? » Chadwick suddenly asked.  
Castiel nodded that he didn’t. He pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned his elbow on the door, against the window, holding the wheel with one hand..  
« Will you be there on Saturday? »  
Silence... Chadwick saw him close his eyes for a brief instant.  
« Castiel? »  
« I don’t know » he snapped back dryly. « Excuse me » he immediately apologized.  
« I’d like you to be there » he added, looking down.  
« Chad » Castiel’s voice was nothing but a whisper and he had to brake in a rush before the light turned red.  
« I hope I’ll hate her »  
« Don’t say that... » Castiel gripped the wheel even tighter. « De.. Dean....your father... » he got going again. « Make an effort, please… for him »  
« Why should I? » the boy answered back, looking at a cyclist passing them.  
He suddenly felt like opening the door and make him fall off. His anger and frustration were building up inside.  
« He deserves to be happy »  
« Then why are you looking so sad ? » Chadwick asked.  
« I’m not… sad… It’s just that… » He pulled in front of the school gate. « I want you to promise me something, both of you… » he looked at them in the back, leaning between the front seatbacks.  
Jewel looked at him in the eye, holding tight her schoolbag against her chest. Chadwick stared at his own bag on the floor.  
« Be nice with her. Give her a chance... »  
« What if she doesn’t like us? » Jewel said.  
« How could anyone not love you? » he said with a big smile.  
Chadwick saw the terrible sadness that was now imprinted on Castiel's face.  
« Castiel » He looked deep into his eyes. « You’re not gonna leave, right? » he begged.  
« Why would I leave? »  
« If… If… If she moves in with us… Are you gonna leave us? » Tears were ready to flow.  
« I could never leave you. You’re my family...You’re like my own kids, you know that, right?»  
« Why are you sad? » Jewel asked, worried, taking her brother’s arm. « Is it because of Daddy’s lover ? She isn’t nice, that’s why?» her lips quivering with apprehension.  
« No Sweetie... You’ll see, she’s gonna be very nice... Anyway, your dad couldn’t love someone bad… huh? » He tried to reassure her and tenderly put a hand on her cheek.  
« Will you be present on Saturday?» Chadwick needed to know.  
« Chad, please…» he looked down.  
« Will you be there? » he was now begging.  
« I’ll be there » Castiel answered with a smile, avoiding eye contact though. « You’d better go now. I’ll come and pick you up this afternoon. I may be a bit late, just wait for me. »  
« Promise... » Chadwick leaned over and put his arms around Castiel’s neck, hugging him briefly.  
« Thanks »  
They shared the brief moment yet Castiel didn’t have much time to savor it for long as Chadwick rushed out of the car and waited for his sister outside..  
« See you, Castiel » she said, planting a quick kiss on his cheek.  
« See you, Sweetie... Be a good girl »  
« I promise » and she closed the door behind her.  
Castiel watched as they disappear behind the school high walls.

He started the ignition and drove ahead, staring at the road, not really deciding where to go.  
It hurt like hell ! Like the day Dean had announced him Tessa was gone.  
He felt the lump in his throat ; breathing air was like breathing fire. He felt the crush in his chest.  
He pulled over on the side of the road and collapsed on the wheel, breathless.  
All the pain he had accumulated over the last few weeks, Dean’s dates outside, the smiles when he was on the phone, the very eloquent silences.  
And then, the inevitable conclusion.... Lisa... He started to hate that name. She had just put an end to ten years of illusion.  
« Dean » He rested his head on the seatback and stared at the ceiling.  
The tears started to flow, silently, although he tried to wipe them away, cursing himself for being weak... He knew it was hopeless… Yet, he had hoped anyway… knowing it was irrational.  
He dozed off and startled when his phone rang..  
He read Greg’s name on the screen and swiftly picked up.  
« Shit man… you’re late… We have a meeting with the boss in an hour. I hope you didn’t forget. Get your ass in here a.s.a.p.»  
« I had a flat tire on the highway… I… I’ll be right there. »  
« OK, hurry up »  
He hung up and looked at his puffy eyes.  
« Shit, look at your face, man !» he smiled to himself, although his heart was filled with sadness. « You’re pathetic » He started the ignition.

  
   
www

  
   
They were all very quiet during supper. Nobody spoke more than a few words. Jewel was the only one to put her fork down from time to time to narrate an argument with a classmate about some drawing. No one was listening. No one really understood where she was getting at anyway.  
However, the casual babbling soothed the tension in everyone’s heart.  
Balty had left in the morning and Dean almost regretted his inconvenient remarks. He had never felt so uncomfortable among his family members. Castiel’s silence, even more than his children’s, was the hardest to cope with. He had thought about Balty’s words and come to the conclusion that Castiel was simply afraid of being ejected from their lives for the benefit of Lisa.  
How could he imagine that ? He was the one who had asked never to leave them.  
« May I be excused? » Chadwick finally asked. « I need to finish my homework» He pushed his plate away from him.  
« Go ahead » his father smiled.  
« Thanks » Chadwick smiled back and this got some pressure off his chest.  
« May I be excused too? » Jewel asked in turn, swallowing rapidly.  
« Yes, pumpkin »  
She pushed her chair and ran behind her brother who had already left the room under the protective supervision of Apache.  
« We need to talk » he said after a while.  
« Dean, I’m tired… I had a hard day… Can we talk another time? » He glanced at his plate.  
He had hardly touched it. Not hungry.  
« No, Cass... What’s the matter with you? Are you mad at me ? Because of Lisa ? »  
« Why would I be mad at you? It’s your life, after all... » he got up from the table.  
Dean grabbed his wrist, amazed by his own reaction.  
« What are you afraid of ? »  
« Why would you think I’m afraid of something, Dean? » He closed his eyes and secretly hoped that Dean would never let go of his hand.  
« Your place is among us… No one will ever take it. Neither Lisa nor anyone else, do you understand me ? »  
Castiel looked down.  
« Do you understand what I’m telling you right now, Cass? » he tightened his grip around Castiel’s wrist.  
« Yes »  
« So I’m gonna repeat this again, so it reaches the depths of that little computer engineer brains of yours, once and for all… You are a member of this family, you’re the one who matters most in my life, besides my kids.. Do you hear me, Cass? »  
« Yes » he nodded.  
« You... » Dean let go of his wrist. Castiel’s heart skipped a beat. « I care about you, Cass, a lot. I don’t have a gift for words but.. I wanted you to know this... »  
« I care about you a lot too, Dean... More than you can imagine »  
« What do you mean? » Dean smiled as Castiel opened his eyes.  
« Nothing » He faced him and they looked at each other for a while.  
« Why don’t you tell me about her? » Castiel finally said, sitting again.  
« What do you wanna know? » Dean suddenly felt relieved to share this new happiness of his, although he wasn’t aware of the price Castiel had to pay.  
Castiel… ready to make any sacrifice for the man he loved more than his own life.  
   
They spoke for several minutes, sitting next to each other, exchanging looks, confidence and smiles.  
Castiel couldn’t help but feeling happy for Dean. If Dean was happy, he would be too.  
He had noticed that Dean had never use the word « love » when talking about Lisa, although she had most probably said it to him already.  
Aware of it or not, he felt relieved. It was a brief selfish moment… that faint glimmer of hope he desperately cherished. He mentally slapped himself in the face. He really had to stop dreaming of the impossible.  
But one look, one smile from Dean and he had to start all over again.  
He understood, right this moment, that he would love Dean forever and nothing would ever change that. He had that kind of immune disease that’s eating you up from the inside and eventually kills you.  
He smiled at the thought… That’s be a sweet death, indeed.  
They spend the rest of the evening, drinking coffee. At some point, Dean stood up. Time to tuck up his kids.  
« You wanna drink one last beer afterwards? » He proposed, feeling somehow relieved after the discussion they had earlier.  
« I’m gonna walk the dog and then I’m going to bed. I’m really exhausted » Castiel made a tired smile.  
« As you wish... »  
Dean seized the door frame and remained with his back to Castiel, head down.  
« Cass? »  
« Yes? »  
« Thanks » he left the room.  
« You’re welcome » Castiel whispered, looking at Apache’s head on his lap.  
The dog looked up at the human and felt his dismay...  
He stood up and jumped on Castiel, put his front paws on his shoulders and rest his head in his neck...  
Castiel closed his eyes and held him tight.  
_Don’t cry… don’t collapse... keep breathing..._

  
   
www

  
   
Tension got more and more uncomfortable as Saturday was approaching. Balty had called to hear from Castiel. He sounded worried but Castiel deliberately avoided the subject.  
When he hung up, Balty turned to Bryan, dozing off next to him.  
« So? » he questioned.  
« So nothing. This Lisa… I just feel like killing her » he replied, sinking in the sheets.  
« Castiel is a big boy. Leave him alone, stop trying to manage his life »  
« I can’t help it ! Dean loves him, goddammit ! Why can’t he admit what’s so obvious? »  
« Because you seem to be the only one who’ve seen it »  
« I swear, I know a way to open that blind moron’s eyes» The tone of his voice was rather angry.  
« What are you up to again? » Bryan raised and leaned on one elbow. He looked worried.  
« Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing » he smirked.  
« Don’t you mess around with their lives, Balty. I’m begging you » he put a hand on his cheek and forced Balty to look at him.  
« I ain’t gonna mess around. I’ll let a fox into the henhouse »  
Bryan raised an eyebrow.  
« And how do you call this? » he asked looking him in the eye.  
« I call this Zeke » Balty was all smiles.  
« Who the hell is that? »  
«The fox » he replied, leaning over and planting a tender kiss on his lips.  
« Balty? » Bryan gently pushed him away.  
« Don’t worry... I know what I’m doing »  
« Are you so afraid of what would happen? » he softly caressed his lips with his thumb.  
« I’m not gonna leave him alone, Bryan… I’ve been true to you since the beginning, right? »  
« Yeah, I know… You love him » he let himself down on the pillow.  
« Wrong. I adore him…slightly different. He’s a part of me, you know. I just can’t leave him like that »  
« I take it that I have to go on sharing you with him »  
« Consider yourself lucky to have to share me with him and only him. Don’t you see what you’ve done to me, Cowboy? »  
« I branded you, Mustang! » he pulled him tight towards him.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean had planned a simple and sober dinner, one of his classic recipes. Grilled chicken and corn side dish, jacket potatoes and honey sauce.  
He started to set the table and suddenly stood still.  
The fifth wheel… He shook his head and frowned at the idea that had suddenly crossed his mind.  
So he decided to put Lisa on his right, between him and Castiel.. No way he would change their habits… A place for each. Lisa would have her own, should she eventually stay for good.  
He felt somebody was watching him… Chadwick was standing there, leaning on the door frame, observing his father...  
« You should change. There’s a stain on your shirt »  
Dean looked at the sauce stain on his sleeve and frowned.  
« Shit ! Thanks, Son »  
« Does she look like her? » his son asked, moving in closer.  
« No »  
Chadwick smiled.  
« What’s so funny? »  
« You»  
« Do I look that silly ? » he asked looking down.  
« No... You look like you are… scared » Chadwick was standing just a few steps away.  
« I am.. »  
« Because of us? » Chadwick was trying to force eye contact with his father.  
« Somehow, and also because I’m afraid it won’t work between us. I’m afraid to make a mistake » he confessed, raising his head and looking at his son.  
« Didn’t you tell once that you learn by living? »  
« No... That was probably Cass. Sounds like him all right » he replied, tenderly tousling his son’s hair.  
« It’s gonna be all right, Dad »  
The boy was making a formal statement as much for himself as for his father. He was afraid of the unknown. Afraid that this new piece of the puzzle could shatter the life of this ordinary family.  
Nevertheless, he couldn’t oblige his father to sacrifice his life for them. He was already giving so much… Everything in fact.  
« I’ll go put on another shirt » Dean pulled his son in a tight embrace and went upstairs.  
« I’ll go for a walk with Apache »  
« Hurry up… We’ll eat in about an hour »  
« I’ll just go to the park and back...Promise »  
He had hardly opened the door when Lisa was about to ring.  
« Hello » she said with a smile, feeling somehow uncomfortable, nervous, pulling on her black blouse.  
Chadwick pulled at Apache’s leash as the dog wanted to jump on her in a happy welcome.  
« I’m Lisa » she extended a greeting hand.  
They looked up and down at each other for a little while. The boy had to admit: she was pretty. She had delicate features and long black hair. He took a deep breath.  
« Chadwick » he replied as he shook her hand.  
« It’s a pleasure to meet you... Your father has told me so much about you»  
His expression was more a scowl than a smile....that lousy catchphrase ! He stepped aside to let her in.  
« DAD ! » he shouted from the entrance.  
« Yeah? » he leaned over the guardrail, buttoning up his new shirt. « Lisa? » he smiled at her, a bit surprised.  
« Am I too early? » she stepped in a little more.  
« No, of course not, Come in » he ran down the stairs.  
« I see you’ve already met my son » he smiled to Chadwick.  
« Yes » she replied, brushing away a lock from her face.  
« I gotta go» Chadwick abruptly said before closing the door on him.  
« To walk the dog » Dean explained, a bit embarrassed.  
« I thought so » she felt embarrassed as well.  
« Please,... » he pointed out the living room. « Welcome in our modest home... Nothing fancy, but it’s ours »  
« It’s pretty. I like it very much » she replied, looking all around her.  
She then turned to him.  
« Hello, Dean »  
« Oh shit » he started to laugh. « Lisa » he walked closer to her and put a soft kiss on her lips.  
« I’m sorry.. I’m not used to… well, I’m a little… »  
« Lost? »  
« That’s the least you can say » he rubbed the back of his head.  
« Care for a drink? »  
« Yeah… I’d love a beer, if you have some »  
« That’ll be one beer for the lady.. Make yourself comfortable, I’ll be right back» he headed for the kitchen.  
She raised her eyes when she heard footsteps in the stairs. Jewel was observing her through the balusters.  
« Hello you » she said with a big smile, slowly approaching.  
« You’re Lisa? » Jewel asked with a shy voice.  
« Yes. And you must be Jewel? »  
The little girl stood up and walked down the stairs.  
« Wow, you’re so pretty » she said.  
« Thanks… but you’re prettier » Lisa replied, extending a hand.« Hello »  
« Hi » the little one said, blushing.  
« What’s the matter, Jewel? ». Dean asked, offering a drink to Lisa. « A cat caught your tongue? »  
« No no » the little girl was a bit upset.  
« Dean... leave her alone » She took the beer.  
« Jewel... Go and tell Cass we’re gonna eat soon... He’s probably lost in his programming stuff again » he said to Lisa, pretending to look more comfortable than he actually was.  
She had noticed Dean’s embarrassment when he talked about his friend and she’d always wondered why.

He was speaking openly about his children and his family, the same way he was mentioning Balty and his work. Yet when the conversation came to Castiel – and it often did – the tone in his voice was changing… as well as his attitude. He seemed more nervous, less self-assured.  
Lisa had no idea about the reason why and she ended up believing it was just because Dean was living with a homosexual. Yet when speaking of Castiel with his employees at the garage, the tone of his voice was absolutely normal.  
He only fell ill at ease with her.  
And today she was gonna meet the famous Castiel who was so important in her lover’s life. Perhaps he would let go a little afterwards. Perhaps he would finally feel more comfortable with her.  
Jewel didn’t hesitate for long: she ran up the stairs to disappear from their sight.  
« Well… you’ve done the worst… You met the kids and I’d say it didn’t turn out that bad.» he said, taking a sip of his beer.  
« They are adorable... Chadwick looks a lot like you »  
« Yeah. A lot of people say so. Jewel is her mom’s spitting image though » wiping his lips with his fingertips.  
They heard Jewel’s voice mixed with Castiel’s lower tone.  
Lisa felt Dean tense up again. He looked extremely nervous and was biting his lower lip.  
She gently put her hand on his arm.  
« C’mon Castiel.... Hurry up » she was pulling him by the hand.  
« You’re gonna make me tumble, Sweetie »  
When he appeared in her field of vision, Lisa automatically looked at Dean. His eyes were shining and reflecting something between anxiety and … well, at that precise moment, she didn’t know how to call it. But she surely felt her heart sink, she felt the anxiety in her own heart, but for different reasons.  
Dean stepped forward to Castiel, he was all smiles. Castiel went down the last step and looked down.  
« Cass...Let me introduce you to Lisa »  
His face had lightened up when his friend had shown up. Lisa took upon herself and stepped forward.  
« It’s a real pleasure to meet you » she said, extending a hand.  
Castiel raised his head and look into her eyes.  
« Hello » His put on a polite smile on his lips and shook her hand.  
« So, you are the famous Castiel »  
« Famous? » Castiel turned to Dean.  
Lisa became aware, the very moment she saw the way they looked at each other. She loved Dean and she had seen in Castiel’s eyes the same kind of love. He looked at her.  
She smiled. He turned at Jewel.  
« C’mon Sweetie » he put a hand on her shoulder and guided her to the kitchen.  
Dean looked at them as they walked away.  
« You should’ve told me that you were living with a model! » she laughed, yet there was a trace of bitterness in her voice.  
« Excuse me? » Dean couldn’t hide his surprise.  
« Never mind » she tenderly put a hand on his cheek.  
« I’m honored you introduced me to your family, Dean... It means a lot to me.»  
« You mean a lot to me as well, Lisa » he replied, leaning forward to kiss her.

Castiel came back at that exact moment. He remained frozen, with his mouth open, unable to ask Dean where he had put the bottle of red wine.  
He felt like a punch in his chest and almost gasped for breath, feeling a sharp pain down deep inside. He rested his head on the doorframe, stuck between the kitchen where Jewel was waiting for him and this bloody living room.  
The main door opened and Chadwick interrupted the kiss. Dean looked at him, a bit troubled, yet his son only had eyes for Castiel.  
He saw the same sadness he had seen on his face when they were in the car.  
Lisa wasn’t the only one that day to understand what was going on.  
That Saturday wasn’t an ordinary one.  
This family wasn’t an ordinary one either.

  
   
End of chapter XIV


	15. Just like before

 

December was approaching fast, bringing the usual festive ambiance along.  
Dean had never really liked this period of the year that much and if not for the children, Christmas would have been an ordinary day.  
He looked forward to the end of the year to resume a normal life and avoid thinking about the same things again: his mother, Tessa, all the ones he had loved and who weren’t there to share these moments with him… Those who wouldn’t see his kids grow up and see how he had managed to go on with his life despite the painful burden of their absence.

He looked at Apache running in the park and sighed.  
Tonight, Lisa was coming over for supper... She had slowly begun to take her place among them, despite the fact that the children were keeping their distance and Castiel was often absent when she came over. However, he was never rude to her and Lisa seemed to like him. But that was the extent of their interaction, no more. The feeling was cordial, because that was in their nature and they both loved Dean beyond reason.  
Nevertheless, Dean knew they’d never become friends… Only Tessa had manage to forge that special link between so different people.  
He took a deep breath...That’s why he hated this season’s holidays. All he could do was wondering about the choices he had made, as if he had spent the previous month analyzing the last year of his life.  
Tessa had taken the place of his mother and listened to his doubts.  
One year. That year when he thought he’d lost everything.  
It all came back to him like a slap in the face.  
The assault on Castiel... The arrival of Lisa in his life... His fear of death. His fear of living again.  
   
Living again… Loving again… In a few days, it’d be four months since they had met.  
Four months they were building up a relationship, step by step.  
She had finally told him she loved him. He had felt overwhelmed as well as scared because he was unable to tell her the same… Only Tessa had heard these words from him.  
Why? Why did he feel unable to cross that final line meanwhile he had crossed all the others?  
Tessa’s shadow still lingered in his world, but was it the ultimate reason?  
Lisa shared his life all right, yet he had a hard time determining which part of it?  
He rubbed his neck and let out a deep sigh.  
« Tessa, my love... You filled the whole place. How am I supposed to let her in now? » he smiled to himself, feeling a bit sad and bitter about the whole situation.  
He cared about Lisa, a lot, but did he truly love her?  
They had talked, she said she understood, she said their love was real, that it was just a little different. All love stories have their unique nature, right?  
He had introduced her to his children, his friends. She shared the same dreams and hopes.  
They called each other every day, unable to stand more than twenty-four hours without hearing each other. Wasn’t it love too?  
Dean couldn’t get rid of the turmoil eating him from the inside… with such pervasiveness… Did he love her or was he just afraid of being alone?  
Lisa was fighting a ghost of flesh and blood in addition to another one from the past… The fight had been lopsided truncated… From the very beginning. Yet she wanted to believe she could make it, despite Dean’s doubts, because these doubts were also what she loved in Dean.

  
   
www

  
   
When Dean returned from the park, the first thing he heard was the laughter that came from the kitchen… He untied Apache who ran straight ahead.  
He took off his jacket and smiled to the cries of the children, surprised by the dog.  
« Apache....NO! » Castiel’s voice… Chadwick’s voice mingled with his sister’s.  
Why ask himself so many questions? He nodded...  
He decided to give himself time to grieve, time to make up his mind, time to live one day at a time… As long as he’d come home and hear those voices, his life would make sense.  
An ordinary life… His ordinary life.

« Hi everyone » He put a big smile on his face.  
« Hi Dad » Chadwick replied, taking a bite in his slice of pie.  
« Is this pie? And nobody invited me? » He complained with a fake outraged expression, ruffling through his son’s hair.  
« Sit down and eat, you pieaholic! » Castiel put a plate in front of him.  
Dean rubbed his hands in anticipation and cut a slice of apple and raisin pie.  
It was like an old time tea party, sharing laughters, telling about the day’s events. Just sharing good times among the four of them.  
Castiel smiled, his head resting on his hand, elbow on the table.  
« Dad? » Chadwick started  
« Yes? » Dean swallowed and turned to him.  
« There’s the parade on Sunday. »  
« A parade? … So? » He started to fear what was coming next.  
« We’d like to go again this year »  
« Don’t tell me you wanna go to the city parade? The one with the ugliest Santa of all times! » He frowned.  
« That’s the one... » His son replied with a smile.  
« I thought you hated this lame demonstration! » He cut himself another piece of pie.  
« We could go there all together, as we used to » Chadwick said, looking at his empty plate.  
Dean didn’t reply and looked at Castiel. His silence was as eloquent as an answer.  
« Indeed, we haven’t done anything together for ages. I’m in. » he winked at his son.  
« For real? » Chadwick couldn’t contain his joy. « Great! » He jumped from his seat and rushed into his father’s arms who just sit there, speechless. He hadn’t expected such enthusiasm from his kid and it moved him more than he had thought possible.  
« You’re welcome, son » he finally said, hugging him tight, closing his eyes, tenderly patting him on the back.  
« Cool... » Jewel added « We’re gonna see Santa »  
« Mmm yeah... I just hope this one will be in a better shape than the one last year» he smiled at his daughter as Chadwick was pulling away from his embrace.  
« Are you free on Sunday? » he asked Castiel.  
« Even if I weren’t, I’d cancel everything else. I’d never miss to see the most stoned Santa of the century. »  
Dean started to laugh.  
« Asshole! » He stood up. « We’ll go on Sunday, then »  
Castiel had a twitched smile, but his eyes were sparkling, just like old times.  
Dean smiled in return, yet he felt a twinge of sorrow.

  
   
www

  
   
The children showed less distant with Lisa that Friday.  
Castiel remained his usual self. Dean had no other choice than to deal with it.  
He took it as hostility and not as what it really was… pure jealousy.  
.  
They gathered in front of the television for the sacred « Dean Friday evening ». The channel was broadcasting old movies... Most of them were rather cheesy.  
The children sat on the floor, Chadwick leaning on his father’s legs and Jewel curled up against Castiel, sitting to the left of Dean. Lisa was on his right, her head resting on his shoulder.  
Popcorn passed from hands to hands, under the eyes of a hypnotized Apache.  
« NO! » Dean said loudly. « Get out of here… you’re blocking the view » he gently pushed the dog away.  
The animal ended up sleeping next to Chadwick and let out a profound sigh. Lisa absentmindedly dropped a popcorn on the ground which the dog hastened to swallow.  
« As if I hadn’t enough to manage those three without having you too mixing in » Dean said, squeezing her tight against him.  
« I’ll get something to drink » Castiel said as the movie was coming to an end.  
« Don’t you wanna see the end? » Dean called.  
« This movie is a nightmare, Dean... It’s simply unwatchable » He said, pointing at the screen.  
« What? But it’s a classic! » Dean replied, removing his arm from Lisa’s shoulders.  
« Star Wars is a classic... This one is what you could call a third-rate film » he said sarcastically.  
« He’s right, you know » Lisa was laughing  
« What? » he stared at her wide-eyed « Plan 9 from outer.... a third-rate film? » he looked somehow upset.  
« Are you aware that this movie has been nominated the worst one of all times » Lisa pointed out.  
« It’s a global conspiracy… isn’t it? Admit it! » He frowned.  
« I liked this movie, Daddy. It was very funny » Jewel was amused.  
« Funny? » Dean looked at his daughter with a mortified expression.  
« All the threads were visible » using a coaster to imitate the flying saucer.  
« But… but… I must be dreaming... These are not my kids! » he finally said, sinking back in the couch cushion.  
Castiel left the room. He was laughing too.  
« C’mon, don’t pull a face like that » Lisa was laughing even louder and planted a kiss on his cheek « The second movie will probably be better »  
« Please, don’t overdo it... All of you… you’re just a bunch of uneducated jerks » he crossed his arms and pouted.  
« That’s why you’re here, to make us more intelligent, honey. » she quickly and tenderly kissed his lips.  
« Just you wait… I’ll show you what I can teach » Dean replied, sharing a more profound kiss.  
Chadwick turned around and sighed.  
« Dad, can I put the second movie now? »  
Lisa gently pushed Dean away and felt Chadwick’s cold eyes on her.  
« Go ahead, son »  
The boy stood up and switched the DVDs. His face lighted up when he saw Castiel coming back. He ran to help him carry the drinks.  
« Thanks, Chad »  
« Who wants what? » he asked.  
« I’ll have a beer? » Dean extended a hand.  
« Orange juice » Jewel shouted, waving her arms around.  
« Calmos, little girl » Dean ordered.  
« Here you go, sweetie » Castiel gave her a can of orange juice and put the bowl of popcorn on the table.  
« What do you want? » he asked Lisa.  
« Nothing, thanks. I’m not thirsty right now » she smiled.  
« Here’s a beer, just in case » Castiel leaned and put a bottle in front of her.  
« Shit, Cass, move your ass… you’re blocking the view » Dean cursed, pushing him away.  
« My apologies for making you miss thirty seconds of this prehistorical masterpiece»  
« Don’t start again, OK? There’s nothing better than the first version of King Kong»  
« If you say so » he collapsed by his side, dropping the bottle in his hands.  
« You’re such a jerk... you know that? » he knocked his shoulder and smiled.  
Lisa looked at the children watching the adults fighting like kids. There was so much tenderness in their eyes.  
Suddenly, for the first time, she felt like a complete stranger among them. She nervously brushed her hair with her hand and grabbed the bottle of beer. She took a long sip, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat.

Late in the evening, she pretended to have a headache and went home, politely turning down Dean’s invitation to sleep over.  
She gave him a long sweet kiss as they were standing on the porch.  
« I’ve spent a great evening » she said, in a half-lie. « You have a wonderful family » she looked inward.  
« I know… and I’m glad you’re a part of it »  
She smiled and put a hand on his cheek.  
« Let’s keep in touch »  
« Tomorrow, for sure. Send me a message when you’re home » he said as she was walking away.  
« OK. See you on Monday? »  
« Yeah, see you on Monday »  
When he went back in, the children were helping Castiel cleaning the table. The dog came to him.  
« Shit! Apache… Could you just settle for the garden, just this once? » He sighed, grabbing the leash.  
« Leave it to me » Castiel took it from his hands « Take care of the kids, I’ll walk the dog » he said with a smile.  
« Thanks… I owe you one » he replied, tapping his arm.  
The door closed on him and Dean remained there, watching the kids, his proud and joy.  
« Come and help us, Dad » Chadwick invited his father to join them.  
« ‘Coming… And then, up to bed »  
Jewel yawned as he walked in the kitchen, holding the empty bowls of popcorn, followed by his son bringing the empty bottles.

He looked at the couch, somewhat pensive. His son snapped him out of it.  
« Daaaaaad! ».  
« Yeah… Yeah… Sorry »  
« You were thinking of her, right? » he asked with a scowling face  
« Actually, I was thinking of you » he replied, tousling his hair.  
His son tried to avoid the hand, without success.  
« Chad? »  
« Yes, Dad? »  
« Lisa...you like her because... » He avoided looking at his son.  
« Because she’s nice » Chadwick replied.  
Dean looked up.  
«... but I prefer when it’s just us, as before » he went on, twisting his fingers.  
Dean didn’t know what to say.  
« Are you mad, Dad? »  
He moved closer to his son.  
« No...Of course not, Chad… I’m just a little sad » he tried to smile.  
« I don’t want you to be sad... » Chadwick looked at his father in the eye.  
« I love you » Dean said. He put a protective hand on his head and let it slide down to his cheek.  
« I know, Dad. I love you too… I’m sorry... » He slowly moved away; the intimate contact made him feel uncomfortable. He was also feeling bad for hurting his father, yet he didn’t wanna lie to him. He just didn’t want Lisa be a member of the family.

  
  www

  
   
It started to snow and Chadwick was keeping an eye on the outside.  
« Do you believe the parade will be maintained? »  
« I guess so... » Castiel replied, walking to the window too.  
« Look, the sky is already clearing and the snow is melting » he put a hand on his shoulder.  
« C’mon… Breakfast is ready. We’re waiting for you »  
« Castiel? » Chadwick turned around to face him.  
« Yes? »  
« Are you going to your mom’s place during the holidays? »  
« Yes, I am… as I do every year. You know that, don’t you? »  
« Are you gonna be away for long? »  
« Chad ... What’s the matter? »  
« Nothing… It’s just that I don’t like it when you’re away » the boy felt a bit embarrassed and looked at his feet.  
« I’ll only be away for two weeks. Besides, you’re gonna spend Christmas Eve at Uncle Bobby’s. It’s gonna be great, right? Furthermore, Jo will be there this time...»  
« Why don’t you invite your mother to spend the holidays here with us? »  
« Because my family is right here. It’s my home »  
« But, it’s your mom. If my mom were still alive, I’d like her to be here with us »  
« Of course you would. The only difference is your mother was an extraordinary woman »  
« And yours isn’t? »  
« It’s complicated, Chad...»  
« Yes, but... »  
« But? »  
« It’s Christmas » the boy stared at him.  
« What’s the matter with you, Chad? What are you trying to tell me? » Castiel was worried  
« I don’t like her... I tried, but I can’t » the boy looked down  
« Are you talking about Lisa? She’s nice, don’t you think? »  
« I don’t care... I just want our life as it was before » his voice was broken with emotion.  
« Chad » Castiel raised his chin with gentleness « Nothing’s changed...»  
« That’s not true. It’s not the same anymore »  
Castiel stepped back a little, surprised by the harsh tone of the boy’s voice.  
« Don’t you think I haven’t noticed? »  
« Chad... what… what are you talking about?  
He should have told him, but he knew that nothing would ever be the same if the words crossed his lips… Ever.  
« Nothing… I just wanted you to stay here for Christmas, with us » he walked away.  
Castiel stood back for a little while...  
What had Chadwick really meant?  
He looked through the window... Nothing’s changed. A little white lie which nobody believed anymore...  
He could feel the stabbing pain in his heart each time he heard her name or her voice.  
Fifteen days away from everything… fifteen days during which he could breathe without feeling the excruciating pain in his chest.  
Fifteen days during which he was gonna miss him, as each year for the last ten years.

  
   
www

  
   
« Pinch me! » Dean bursted out laughing as his daughter was staring at him in disbelief.  
« Is he sick? » she asked, looking at her father with panicked eyes.  
« I don’t think so, pumpkin… Don’t worry… It’s not the real Santa... The real one has too much to do yet, he remained at the North Pole. » He said pushing his cap over his ears.  
« So, who is this guy? » she asked pointing at the man walking in front of the parade, held by two elves who struggled to keep him on the right path.  
« It’s Dionysus himself! » Castiel said. Chadwick and he were laughing out loud.  
« Idiot! » Dean replied, yet he bursted out laughing too when Santa tumbled on one of the elves’ feet, sprawled on the ground while his backpack’s content spilled over his head.  
The crowd started to laugh as a man from the security service ran to help a drunk Santa who had most certainly tested every single bar on the way.  
« Holy shit… I’ll die laughing here» Dean’s eyes were filled with tears.  
Jewel climbed on the crowd barrier.  
« Daddy, look at Santa’s wife! » she was pointing at a portly woman who was running towards her « husband ».  
« Oh fuck! » her father was laughing even louder.  
« NOOOOO » Castiel joined the mirth and grabbed the barrier to keep his balance, as they watched Santa’s wife rolling up her dress to be able to run faster, exhibiting a pair of stockings going up her knees.  
« Holy mackerel! » he shouted banging on the barrier.  
Chadwick was filming the whole scene with his mobile phone, wiping away the tears from his eyes.  
Santa Claus finally managed to get up but Santa’s wife, carried away by the momentum, couldn’t stop on time and knocked off the security agent who clung to Santa Claus in a desperate attempt to regain his balance.  
The crowd was laughing as hard as the parade participants themselves… Angels, elves, goblins and fake deers.  
Dean saw Castiel walk away, with a hand on his lower abdomen and rush in a nearby alley. He came back a few minutes later.  
« I was about to wet my pants» he said, trying to catch his breath. «Holy shit! » he added, joining Dean who was trying to rub the tears away from his face.  
« It’s been a while since I had so much fun » he tapped Castiel’s arm without even realizing, just because he wanted to. He took him by the shoulder and pulled him in a brief embrace.  
«Feels so good to be together again » he just said, staring at him.  
« Dean » Castiel’s voice was nothing more but a whisper but Dean turned his attention to the parade again.  
« Look Jewel » he let go of Castiel, grabbed the little girl’s waist and lifted her up the barrier.  
« Look at the Snow Queen in the big carriage »  
« She is so beautiful» she was in awe.  
Castiel smiled and shook his head... He felt a persistent gaze on him and turned around. Chadwick was staring at him. The latter winked, pointing at his mobile phone.  
He had taken pictures of them… And Castiel understood what Chadwick had meant in the morning.  
They shared a silence of complicity, a silent smile… and all was said between them.  
They hung around for a few hours and enjoyed toffee apples and cotton candy… No one was paying attention to this so ordinary family… Two men… Two children… It was Christmas season… The mood was festive… no judging.

  
   
www

  
   
Then they went home: Balty was waiting for them, comfortably installed in the couch.  
« Baltyyyyy » Jewel ran into his arms.  
« Hi sweetie... Well then, where have you been? » He gave her a big kiss.  
« We went to see Santa Claus... »  
« What? The same as... » He called to witness the other three behind and innocently took a sip of his drink.  
« The same, indeed » Castiel smiled and walked in.  
« Hi Babe » he said, putting a soft kiss on his lips, as he took off his jacket.  
« Cassie, my angel... I’d like you to meet a friend of mine, who’s new in the neighborhood »  
A man was sitting in the armchair with his back to the door. He stood up and turned around.  
« Castiel.... Meet Zeke »  
« Nice to meet you» he said, extending a hand.  
« Likewise... Balty told me so much about you»  
« Really? Balty! » He looked at his companion with questions in his eyes.  
« Er… yeah… sorry... In fact, Zeke has problems with his laptop and I was wondering if you could perhaps help him as I’m not a computer fanatic»  
Dean stepped in, looking a bit sullen.  
« Zeke... Let me introduce you to the rest of the family»  
« So this is… Jewel… the prettiest one » he said, smiling to the little girl.  
« Hi » she blushed.  
« Hello » Zeke answered in a low yet gentle voice.  
« This is Chadwick ».  
« Hi » the boy nodded.  
« Hello ».  
« And the big lug over there is Dean ».  
« You wanna hear from the big lug, huh? » he stepped closer and took off his glove to shake hands with the newcomer. « Nice to meet you ».  
« Likewise» he shook hands with Dean. « I’m so sorry to bother you on a Sunday but I have an important file to finish for tomorrow and this bloody computer just crashed at the worst moment» he smiled although he looked rather embarrassed.  
« No problem… Make yourself comfortable ».  
« How long have you been here? » Dean asked.  
« We just arrived a few minutes ago. » Balty answered.  
« Let’s go to the kitchen, I’ll see what I can do to get you out of trouble. Please follow me, Mister …?. » Castiel invited Zeke to follow him.  
« Just call me Zeke » the latter smiled… Castiel returned his smile.  
Dean’s eyes followed them.  
« Who’s that guy? One of your lovers? » He asked Balty.  
« No... Even if I wouldn’t turn up my nose at him. He has such as gorgeous ass and the face of an angel»  
« What? So he isn’t gay? » Dean smiled.  
« Are you kidding? He is gay as a three dollar bill... »  
« Balty, please » Dean said, trying to make him understand to watch his language.  
« What! »  
« What is a three-dollar-bill? » Jewel asked in her innocent tone.  
« Forget it » Dean snapped.  
« Go get a shower before supper....C’mon… up up up!! »  
« Will you stay for supper, Balty? »  
« Yes, sweetie »  
« Great! I’ll be right back »  
Chadwick looked at Balty in a strange way. Balty smiled that wry smile, with a twinkle in his eye.  
The boy went to his room without saying another word.  
« I’d appreciate it if you could watch your mouth once in a while in front of the kids… Jewel is still a baby. Goddammit! »  
« Goddammit, you’re so fucking right » Balty defied him.  
Dean let out a long sigh and raised the eyes to heaven.

  
   
www

  
   
Leaning on the sink, holding a bottle of beer, he watched them... Zeke was standing at the right of Castiel, his hand on the back seat and listening to Castiel’s recommendations of what Zeke had to do if he were to face the same problem again.  
Balty was sitting at the other end of the table, sipping a Lemmy, and looking at them with shining eyes, which made Dean feel angry… without knowing why.  
Zeke started to laugh at an explanation from Castiel who started to blush a little.  
Dean felt a big lump in his throat and drank the rest of his beer in one single gulp.  
« Cass... You need to move outa here because I’m gonna prepare supper. » His voice sounded a bit irritated.  
« What? » Castiel turned around, obviously surprised by Dean’s intervention.  
« It’s supper time? The kids have school tomorrow… » He said, raising his eyebrows.  
« Oh yes, shit… Good… Let’s move to the living room then» Castiel smiled to Zeke.  
« I don’t wanna bother you any longer. I’ll go home now. I have access to the programme that should do it for the moment»  
« Don’t worry, you’re not bothering… I’ll show you how to properly restore your session. So if it happens again in the future, you’ll be able to... »  
The rest of the conversation got lost between the living room walls.  
Dean remained silent as Balty was looking at him with amused eyes.  
« What are you laughing at? And who is that guy? »  
« Told ya »  
« You haven’t told jack! » he threw his bottle in the bin.  
« We met at a private party… He just moved in the area… He doesn’t know anyone here yet… So I decided to take care of him. »  
« What does he do for a living? »  
« Why do you care, honey? »  
« I care because Cass has gone through enough shit this year »  
« Who do you think I am? » Balty looked offended. «Do you think I’d bring a total stranger here? »  
« Sorry. It’s just that... »  
« I know. I do care about him too, ya know. »  
« So? Who’s this guy? » Dean insisted, as he opened the fridge.  
« He’s teaching English literature. Actually, he will be teaching soon… Right now, he’s preparing his thesis»  
« English literature, huh? » Dean repeated for himself.  
« You got a problem with that? »  
« No... No problem » he put the eggs and the ham on the counter.  
« Pasta on tonight’s menu. Are you joining us? » he asked with a faded voice.  
Balty wasn’t amused with this little game anymore.  
« If it’s an official invitation, the answer’s yes, with pleasure »  
« What about him? »

End of chapter


	16. Like strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be careful, jump in time in this chapter.

 

It’d been about a week since Balty had introduced Zeke to Castiel.  
He was sitting next to Bryan on the couch, cuddled up against him… looking perplexed.  
« What’s the matter with you tonight ? » Bryan gently pulled away from him, looking genuinely worried.  
« I just wonder how much time this jerk will be able to keep going like this before he realized.» He frowned.  
« You haven’t given up yet with this, right ? » Bryan closed his eyes, feeling annoyed.  
« How do you know he’s gonna realize? Maybe he’s just happy that Castiel found a new companion… After all, he’s found Lisa for himself, right ? »  
« He doesn’t love her »  
« YOU don’t like her, that’s not the same»  
« I’m telling you : he doesn’t love her » he stood up, unable to conceal his irritation.  
« Balty...Have you ever noticed how upset you are ? Let them live their lives… they seem happy with what they have, don’t they? » he sank into the armchair.  
« I’ve known Castiel for almost eight years and I can assure you he’s completely crazy about his Dean and this stupid hetero jerk is equally mad about his gay roommate » he said, raising his voice.  
« Balty » Bryan seemed to take offense.  
« What ? Sorry, when I’m furious, I tend to turn into a non-tolerant hetero moron... » he paced across the living room, obviously ranting.  
« No kidding » he replied, crossing his arms.  
« Did you hear what your brother said ?» he was looking for some support to his convictions.  
« Yes, I did » Bryan finally confessed, pulling up one leg against his chest, looking at his lover with tenderness.  
« Don’t even think about it… I’m not in the mood today »  
« Why not today ? » he raised a questioning eyebrow.  
« Zeke invited him in a restaurant… He’ll probably bring his « A » game» he waved his arms in the air, unable to contain his anger.  
« At least, he seems to care for him.... So, it’s their third date in a week, isn’t it ? It’s almost a record » Bryan said with a smile.  
« Stop parading like a peacock.  
« I’d like to remind you that YOU were to one who introduced them to each other. So don’t you start blaming me. I don’t wanna play the scapegoat and be the one to blame for your frustrated matchmaker tricks » Bryan sounded a bit irritated too now.  
Balty looked down.  
« Sorry, Babe. I didn’t mean to pick on you but… this is eating me… I know they’re meant for each other»  
« Did it ever cross your mind that you might be wrong ? That Castiel loves Dean but that he also learned to cope with Lisa’s arrival and that Zeke could be the opportunity he was looking for to move on ? Maybe you helped him after all… Isn’t it what you wanted ? For him to be happy? »  
« It’s pissing me off » he whispered. « Why did I introduce him, goddammit ? » he ran his fingers through his hair.

He raised his eyes and tried to make eye contact with his friend.  
« If you had been there last Sunday, you’d know I’m right. What hurts me most is that I probably screwed it all. I should have made Dean become aware Lisa isn’t the one for him… I should have told him everything regarding Castiel… I should have told him everything»  
« Balty » he stood up and walked towards him.  
« You’d have torn this family to pieces with such a confession… just let time do its work... »  
« I’ve done that for almost eight years »  
« Eight years... And it hasn’t got to your brains yet ? Dean isn’t ready to cross that line… providing he loves Castiel. The bare fact that he’s a man represents an impassable obstacle for him… So yes, I’m ready to admit that there might be… no that there IS » he corrected « something more than just friendship between the guys. Yet not everybody is capable of moving forward as you did… especially if the idealized memory of his wife is still so vivid in his mind »  
« What about Castiel ?» he looked desperate.  
« Castiel has known for a long time and that’s what he’s been trying to make you understand all these years»  
Balty gently put his hand on Bryan’s cheek. He leaned and softly put his forehead against his.  
« If Dean stays with Lisa and if Castiel... » he suddenly interrupted. « That would mean that this family will be altered forever.. And I just can’t resolve to that »  
« You must… That’s the way it is… Choices of life»  
Balty kissed him tenderly.  
« I want Dean share with him what I’m sharing with you... I want Castiel be loved by Dean because he’s the only man for him and God knows I’m right»  
« God? » Bryan moved away and put his hand on Balty’s, still on his cheek.  
« God or me… What’s the difference ? » he smiled.  
« You are stubborn as a mule with a heart of gold and that’s why I love you»  
«That and many other reasons » he added in a salacious tone.  
« I thought you were not in the mood today! »  
« I wasn’t, but I have a feeling you’re gonna help me change my mind » he kissed him passionately.  
Bryan was whispering in his ear.  
« I finally tamed you, my beautiful stallion... Why would Castiel fail to do the same with Dean ? »  
Balty pulled away from his embrace.  
« What are you thinking about? » he frowned.  
« If I had to make one last desperate attempt to win a lost battle, I think I’d risk everything»  
Balty looked at him for a while and started to smile.  
« Do you think that Castiel is trying to make him… jealous ? »  
« I don’t know… just a hunch. Have you ever thought of it ? » He seemed genuinely surprised by Balty’s reaction, as the latter had never thought of that option.  
« I thought you meant he wanted to move on ».  
« Only fools never change their mind » he said with a smirk.  
« Jerk ! You hit on purpose where it hurts»  
« Despite what you think, my beautiful stallion, you no longer have secrets for me »  
« You’re gonna pay for this.... and I hope you’re right »  
« About what ? Your breaking or Dean’s? »  
« Shut up, Cow-boy » he kissed him.  
« You’re asking so gently » he pushed him against the wall, a hand on his crotch.  
« Hold it ! Be gentle with the merchandise... » Balty gently pushed him away, laughing.  
He stared at him for a while.  
« I never thought I’d say it to someone one day »  
« What ? Shut up » Bryan was laughing as his hand crawled under his t-shirt.  
Balty closed his eyes when he felt the touch on his skin, but held his hand.  
« Bryan... I’m serious» he had a hard expression on his face.  
« Tell me » Bryan’s eyes were full of desire.  
« I love you »  
They looked at each other in silence, in an attempt to read the other one’s soul.  
In response, Bryan captured Balty’s lips, kissed them greedily, tasting his lover’s smile against his own lips.  
   
He woke up on the couch, half-naked, snuggled up against his lover’s torso. He ran his hand through Bryan’s short hair , held him tighter and inhaled his smell. He turned his head and looked at the mantelpiece. He thought of Castiel. He suddenly felt a twinge of sorrow as he thought of all the moments they had spent together... Confessing what he felt for Bryan put an end to this strange relationship he had had with Castiel and it hurt. He missed Castiel’s body, his smell, the taste of his skin… His voice, his ocean-blue eyes… But he had finally made a choice. It was time for him to settle down.  
« Babe » he finally said, doing his best to hold back the tears.  
« I’d love to… » He took a deep breath, hiding his forehead under his arm.  
« I’ll never let you down » He feel asleep again to the sound of his lover’s calm breathing.

  
   
www

  
   
Lisa hadn’t heard from Dean since Monday… He said he was busy as the holidays approached and the garage activities were taking most of his time… At the end of the week, he would close it for fifteen days, as he did every year…  
There were about ten cars waiting to be returned to their owner before Saturday night…  
Lisa understood, yet she was worried about the distant tone Dean was adopting ; he had tried to reassure her, pretending he was tired.  
She had called and left several messages on his voice mail. Nevertheless, as she hadn’t got any response by Thursday, she decided to go to his place uninvited.  
Chadwick opened the door.  
« Hello Lisa » he looked surprised and stepped aside to let her in.  
« Hello Chad... Is your father home ? » she asked, smiling at him.  
« Yeah… He’s preparing dinner »  
« Thanks » she headed to the kitchen... Chadwick watched her, Apache sitting at his feet, obeying the silent order of the boy’s eyes who refused to let the dog happily greet her.  
« Hi, Handsome » she said, leaning on the door frame.  
« Lisa ? » Dean raised his head from a bowl containing eggs. He looked surprised.  
She walked toward him, put her hand on his waist and kissed him.  
« You could at least answer one of my messages » she stepped back a little.  
« Yeah, I know… I’m sorry, Lisa… But each time I wanted to do so, another shoe was dropping again and again» he rubbed his neck.  
« Poor Dear. »  
She saw the dark circles around his eyes… these eyes which she presently found rather expressionless, to say the least.  
« You should get some rest from time to time, you know » she said, grabbing the bowl and putting it on the table. « You look terrible »  
« ‘Told you…I have a lot of work right now… I’ll rest later »  
« I’ll take care of the meal » she invited him to sit on the chair on his right.  
« No.... I’m all right… Don’t worry » Dean grabbed the bowl, indicating he didn’t want her assistance.  
« Sit down and let me do this»  
Dean smiled at her.  
« I’m happy to see you »  
« I missed you » she smiled in return, expecting an answer that never came.  
« What did you plan to cook ? »  
« Something simple... mushroom omelet »  
« That’s it ? »  
« I’ve got some salad in the fridge. That should do it ».  
« Okay » she frowned.  
« So… » she opened the refrigerator door.  
« You wanna beer? »  
« Yes, please» he finally sat down and sighed.  
She handed him one and took a soda for herself.  
« Jewel’s not home ? »  
« She’s in her bedroom... probably drawing » he replied, sinking in his chair and closing his eyes.  
« I’ll take care of everything tonight… Go and sit in the couch, you’ll be more comfortable, no? »  
« No » he replied in a whisper. « No, I’ll stay here with you » he kept smiling, keeping his eyes closed.

Minutes passed, Dean dozed off, his beer on his lap, under the tender gaze of Lisa.  
He startled when the doorbell rang. She was surprised to see his face frown when looking at the clock above the sink.  
« Were you expecting anyone ? »  
« No... That must be Zeke » he replied in a tone which made her understand Dean didn’t appreciate the visitor.  
« Who’s Zeke ? »  
Dean stood up and put his bottle on the table a bit brutally.  
« Cass’s friend » he said in a low voice.  
Lisa frowned and brushed away a lock of hair.  
« OK… I guess that I won’t hear anymore right now » she sighed as Dean left the kitchen.  
She followed him and saw Chadwick open the door... The boy instructed Apache the same way he had done with her, forbidding the animal to greet the elegant man who had just stepped in.  
The latter leaned and petted the dog without bothering about the boy’s glacial look.  
« Is Cass home ? » he asked in a cheerful voice.  
« Yes, Castiel’s home » Dean answered, insisting on the first name...  
He turned to the stairs  
« Cass... Zeke’s there » he shouted.  
A door opened and Jewel appeared, dressed in a Barbie pink pajamas.  
« Hi Sweetie » Lisa called.  
The little girl looked at Zeke, then at Lisa.  
« Aren’t you going to say hello, Jewel ? » Dean admonested her.  
« Hi » she said in a faint whisper...  
She made eye contact with her brother. Obviously, both children didn’t appreciate neither Lisa’s nor Zeke’s presence.  
The latter was standing in the middle of the living room and looked uncomfortable.  
« Hello… Let me introduce myself, as no one seems to be ready to do it. » she gave Dean a nasty look « I’m Lisa »  
« Nice to meet you...I’m Zeke » he shook hands with her and they exchanged a smile of complicity.  
They both felt like strangers, already tried and sentenced.

At that precise moment, Castiel made an entrance… Black pants and white shirt unbuttoned, his trench coat on his forearm.  
« Hi » he greeted Zeke. They exchanged a smile.  
Lisa saw Dean’s jaw twitch and his eyes darken when Zeke kissed Castiel on the cheek.  
« Shall we go? »  
« I’m all set »  
« Aren’t you going to eat with us? » Jewel stepped forward, her face saddened.  
« No, Sweetie, not tonight» he said, walking towards the little girl who raised her eyes towards him.  
« But tomorrow we’ll have a special pasta & cheese dinner. What do you think ? ».  
« Promise ? » her eyes were begging.  
« Promise » he said, patting her nose.  
« Coooool ! » she claimed with sparkling eyes.  
« Cass...We need to go now...» Zeke called. Dean winced when he heard the nickname.  
« ‘Coming » He leaned and kissed Jewel who desperately clung to his neck.  
« What’s the matter, Sweetie ? » he tenderly pulled her away and looked at her a bit worried.  
« Will you be there for school tomorrow? »  
« Of course I will... Where else should I be?» he smiled and brushed a lock of hair from her forehead.  
Dean gave a surreptitious glance at Zeke’s eyes filled with sadness. He couldn’t help but smile, which Lisa noted. She was standing a few feet back from the scene and observing them all.  
« See you tomorrow, Chad »  
« See ya » the boy replied, patting Apache.  
« Will you still be up when I come back ? » he asked Dean.  
« Depends on what time you intend to come back... I’m dog tired and I’ve got a lot to do at the garage… I plan to hit the sack early»  
« Ah » there was a bit of disappointment in his voice.  
« Enjoy your evening » he said, looking at Dean and Lisa.  
« Same to you » she replied.  
« Dean » Castiel’s eyes got lost for a second in Dean’s.  
« See you tomorrow, Cass » Dean smiled a faded smile. « Have a nice evening » he tapped on his arm with affection and squeezed for a brief moment, feeling the fabric of the shirt.  
« Thanks » Castiel suddenly felt a bit perplexed as Dean looked away.  
Zeke looked down and walked out the door. Lisa felt her heart twist and it hurt like hell.  
Jewel had joined her brother and grabbed his hand. Chadwick squeezed it as he watched Zeke and Castiel leaving. Before closing the door, Castiel turned around and looked at them one more time.  
They all remained motionless and silent for a long while.  
« I’m gonna take a shower » Dean finally said, heading to the stairs.  
« C’mon Jewel. Let’s go watch the Simpsons» there was a sad smile on Chadwick’s face.  
« I don’t want to » she pouted.  
« C’mon » he dragged her by the hand.  
« I’ll finish preparing the meal » Lisa went back to the kitchen : there was an impenetrable expression on her face.

  
   
www

 

   
Zeke and Castiel spent the evening in a small uptown restaurant... There was an exhibition of black and white photographies on the walls... One of these restaurants committed to promote young artists and allowing them to show their work free of charge. A small fee was requested only when one of their composition was sold.  
Zeke seemed to know the boss, which Castiel found surprising enough.  
« I thought you were new in the neighborhood » he said, staring at the picture of a sunset on a desert.  
« I am… Jimmy also owns a restaurant like this in Seattle. That’s where I met him for the first time »  
« Is he a former lover of yours ? » Castiel smiled : he was obviously teasing him.  
« No, but he could have been if he were gay, which is not the case»  
« Hmm » Castiel explored the rest of the exhibition...  
« You like it ? » Zeke walked closer.  
« What ? The pictures? »  
« What else… » Zeke laughed.  
« It lacks a bit of originality ; that being said, I’m a total dummy regarding photography » Castiel replied, trying to contain a big laughter.  
« Cass » Zeke went on, about to ask another question.  
« Zeke... do me a favor, will ya ? » Castiel interrupted him.  
« Yes… » Zeke was smiling in anticipation of something pleasant.  
« Don’t call me like that anymore » Castiel said, staring at a picture of a naked woman view from the back.  
« Oh I’m sorry… I thought that… » he looked down, apparently hurt.  
« What did you wanna tell me? » he turned to face him.  
« That perhaps we could try to find a table… I’m starving. I haven’t had a bit to eat since lunch»  
« Neither have I» Castiel returned his smile.  
Jimmy settled them at a table in the back of the room, somehow apart from the rest of the customers… Castiel felt uncomfortable… he knew that he didn’t leave his companion indifferent and he too felt attracted to him… Nevertheless he didn’t feel ready just yet.  
He smiled, lost in his thoughts… Would he ever be ready ?  
He startled when he felt Zeke’s hand on his… He removed his hand a bit harshly.  
« I’m sorry » Zeke apologized.  
« Don’t… It’s just that you caught me by surprise, that’s all » he smile an awkward smile.  
« Do you want something to drink ? »  
   
They’d had two dates before that one… with the most honorable intentions... The first time they went out, on Monday evening, he had been invited at the last minute at a literary conference on Steinbeck, animated by Zeke and his thesis Tutor… He had experienced the most boring evening ever yet he had met a young woman full of humor, who saved the day. Madison was teaching English at the Ford High School. She had scattered caustic remarks during the whole conference and as a consequence they had been expelled from the conference room, meanwhile an old dandy.  
They had sat at the bar in the back of the conference room… And, as always, the conversation had diverted on his ordinary family… Madison, leaning on the counter, head resting on her palm, was all ears… while staring at Castiel’s eyes which she found extraordinary and more expressful than his words. She was all smiles.  
« What ? » he frowned.  
« You’re glowing when you talk about them… I find it touching » she took a sip from her cocktail straw.  
« You should tell him » she claimed, straightened up on her stool.  
« I beg your pardon ? » he put his white wine glass on the counter and gave it a regular twist between his fingers.  
« That Dean you talk about!... It’s so obvious that you have a crush on him. So you should tell him »  
« Madison! » Castiel almost shouted.  
« So what ? » she raised an eyebrow  
« It’s not that simple » he looked down.  
« Because he’s labelled as hetero, is that it ? » she looked at him, her eyes filled with lots of tenderness.  
« I’m sorry to tell you this but if I had a friend acting like he does, I would have understood a long time ago that something’s going on »  
« And you came to that conclusion after several minutes of conversation only ? » Castiel was laughing, though it was a bitter laugh.  
« No... After my second cocktail » she started to laugh openly.  
The conference room door opened. The conference had finished.  
« I’d better join him » he stood up.  
« Yeah, sure, go ahead, run away » she raised her glass to salute his escape.  
« Madison? »  
« Yes? »  
« Would you mind giving me your telephone number? I’d like to keep in touch »  
« Oh that’s really nice... Of course, I’d love to resume our little drunk conversation… with less alcohol.»  
Castiel laughed as he pulled his mobile from his pocket. They exchanged their numbers and promised to meet again.  
« I’m eager to meet the man who’s ruling over your poor little heart » she said, poking his chest.  
« He’s not. Take care of yourself » he added, pointing at her glass.  
« No worry. My husband’s supposed to pick me up » she winked.  
« See you soon ? »  
« See you, Castiel »  
He said goodbye and joined Zeke...  
And so Madison soon became his confidante via text messages...  
What Dean had presumed to be messages from Zeke were in fact a new friendship between a slightly nutcase teacher and a lost computer engineer who needed an outside opinion on his existence.  
   
He was actually sending HER the message from the men’s room that night.  
« I need to tell him »  
« Tell who ? The future ex-official boyfriend or the future ex-unofficial one ? » he started to laugh alone.  
« Madi...I’m quite serious »  
« So am I, Honey »  
« It’s all too complicated »  
« YOU are too complicated. Send this one to hell! »  
He frowned.  
« A more diplomatic solution perhaps? »  
« Tell him the truth »  
« I don’t wanna hurt him »  
« The more you wait, the more it’s gonna hurt»  
He sighed  
« You know what I’m talking about » she went on  
« Yes » He erased his last word before sending it and typed something else.  
« OK »  
« Go go, champion,. I’ll be around if you need me »  
« Thanks. Sorry to bother you with all this »  
« Get out of there !»  
He walked out of the men’s room and put his phone back in his pocket… He had been living in some sort of denial for the last 10 years… He didn’t want to go through that again. He didn’t want anyone else to live that either… Zeke deserved better.  
He looked at him from a distance… Zeke was waiting for him to enjoy the dessert that the waiter had already put on the table… Castiel sighed and walked ahead. But he didn’t find the courage to tell him the truth.

  
   
www

  
   
Lisa spent the evening with them. The atmosphere was uncomfortable and it seemed pretty obvious that Castiel’s absence was one of the reasons. Dean had lost his appetite, despite the fact that he usually was rushing on his food. Chadwick and Jewel remained silent, which was just as abnormal.  
The only noise to be heard was made by forks and knives...  
« Well well… we’ve known more joyful evenings, right ? » Lisa finally said, standing up and starting to get the plates away.  
« Sorry » Dean sunk in his chair and pushed his plate away in front of him.  
« I’ve lost my appetite tonight. And I’m exhausted. Can’t wait for Sunday » he stretched his arms.  
« May we be excused, Dad ?» Chadwick asked  
Dean nodded and watched them leave the kitchen with Apache on their heels.  
« What’s the matter, Dean? » Lisa sat back and turned her chair to face him.  
« Told you, Lisa, I’m dead tired» his tone was filled with irritation.  
« The kids are beginning to worry » she tried to put it as a gentle remark.  
“ It has nothing to do… I’ve been feeling like this for a long time, at this time of year, they are familiar with it »  
« What is it then? »  
« Lisa... I really don’t want to discuss this right now… Besides, I’ve got a headache» he softly rubbed his temple with the tips of his fingers.  
Lisa stood up and walked behind him, gently put his hands down and started to give him a soft massage.  
«Just relax… you’re so tense you’re gonna snap»  
He sighed and let Lisa do the massage, he felt his muscles slowly relax.  
« What’s happening between Castiel and Zeke? »  
She felt Dean tense up again.  
« For the moment, nothing, as far as I know… They’re just… friends » he said, feeling heartbroken and pushing Lisa’s hands away.  
« He sure doesn’t look at him as a friend» her lips stretched in a little smile  
« Lisa, please... Could we talk about something else ?» he obviously sounded irritated.  
« What do you mean? »  
« I mean, let’s not talk about the private life of Cass » he abruptly jumped from his chair.  
« You don’t seem to mind talking about Balty for that matter » she replied, crossing her arms, on the defensive.  
« It’s has nothing to do. Balty is… a member of the family »  
« Besides, HE is no danger for this family » she mocked.  
« Excuse me?» he turned around.  
« I’m sure you understood me perfectly »  
« Never mind… I’m too tired to engage on a complicated conversation with you today» he waved a hand at her, showing he meant to end the conversation right there.  
« No, Dean... let’s talk about this » she stepped closer again and grabbed his arm, forcing him to face her.  
« Lisa, please, what’s the matter with you, dammit ! » Dean was getting angry  
« It matters to me that…» she looked at him in the eyes. « Dean... have you ever asked yourself how you really feel about Castiel ? »  
« Huh ? » he pushed her away, feeling so many questions arising. « Lisa, that’s enough »  
« Do you realize you’re unable to live without him ? »  
« He lives here, remember?... He’s also the surrogate guardian of my kids» he pointed in the direction of the living room.  
« And ? »  
« You know what ? I’m going to bed. You should go home. We’ll call each other tomorrow, ‘cause right now, I’m exhausted and I don’t understand where you’re getting at... And I don’t even understand how we started this conversation in the first place».  
He was about to leave the kitchen when she called him back.  
« If you had to choose between him and me, you wouldn’t hesitate for a second » she sighed.  
Dean turned around, his face hardened, cold anger in his eyes....  
« I’ve known him for ten years. He’s the most important person in my life, after my kids. So yes, Lisa, I wouldn’t hesitate for a split second, even if you mean a lot to me»  
« I mean a lot, but you don’t love me » she almost spit the words. Her face was showing nothing but despair.  
He opened his mouth, but no word passed his lips.  
« That’s what I thought » she was about to leave the room when Dean grabbed her hand.  
« Lisa, don’t leave ». He put his forehead against the back of head  
« You’ll never be able to love me, Dean » she said in a broken voice.  
« What are you talking about ? » he placed himself in front of her.  
« I care about you, you’re a part of my life »  
« Which part ? Not this one for sure» she waved her hand to show the place around them  
« I can guarantee you this : your kids don’t love me, they never will. And they’ll never love Zeke. You know why, Dean? » she asked in a bitter tone.  
He looked at her, surprised by her reaction.  
« Because there’s no place for anyone else in here. Because in their hearts, there’s only a place for you and Castiel… Castiel and you… and nobody else »  
« Lisa, are you aware of what you’ve just said? » he said, raising his voice.  
« My poor Dean! The worst is you’re unable to admit the truth even when you’re looking at it» she almost chocked, about to cry. « I’ve spent so many months listening to you, breathing the same air, watching you live and not once have I ever had the feeling I belonged in this family... There’s no place for an additional person in here »

Dean stared at her, lost between anger and resignation... Disappointment because of a one-way love.  
« Open your eyes. You’re incapable of loving anyone because you refuse the admit what’s obvious» she walked out of the kitchen.  
He frowned and followed her in an attempt to hold her and make her face him.  
« What are you trying to tell me, Lisa ? » he frowned, lost in her eyes. « Spit it out! I can see you’re dying to do so! » he said in a cold tone, his face like stone.  
She stepped back a few steps.  
« Can’t you see ? You love him » she finally said, digging in her last strengths.  
Dean remained open-mouthed. Then she saw his face relax.  
« You’re completely out of your mind» he claimed, about to laugh.  
The pain sunk deeper in her heart.  
« That’s why you’re so upset ? You’re jealous of Cass ? » he ran his hand through his hair and laughed.  
« Do you believe I’m… in love… with him ? » he said, with a disgusted expression.  
« I don’t believe it. I’m sure of it, and I’m not the only one who feels the same way here... »  
« What do you mean ? » his smile faded.  
« Sit down and take some time to think.... try to imagine your life without him»  
Dean’s face went pale.  
« So it is… MachoMan has a crush on his gay friend. Ha ha, that’s a good one!»  
« Shut up !» he pointed a threatening finger at her. « Get the hell out of here » he shouted.  
Lisa couldn’t hold back the tears.  
« I’m not even mad at you. I just knew from the start that our relationship was doomed»  
Dean closed his eyes, trying to contain the anger within and swallow the lump in his throat. He was losing her… irreparably.  
« I knew it… the day I told you I loved you and you didn’t answer… the day you introduced me to your family and I saw him… the day I saw the two of you together… I just knew » she said, wiping the tears away.  
« Lisa » Dean whispered.  
« Don’t » she raised a hand.  
« Don’t say anything. And Dean, do me a favor… tell him »  
« Tell him what, Lisa ? How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t love him » Dean’s eyes were pleading.  
« Why do you keep refusing to admit it? What are you afraid of ? To love a man or simply to love again ? » she motioned to the exit door.  
« Lisa... please…. Stay… I’m sorry, I acted like a jerk. Give me a second chance »  
« I gave you more than one, Dean, and you didn’t even notice. The only thing that counts for you is this family, YOUR family, this out-of-ordinary family where I’ll never belong »  
She walked closer to him, almost touching him.  
« I love you, Dean Winchester...but I can’t compete with a man who’s lived with you for more than ten years»  
« What? » his voice was even less than a whisper.  
« My poor love. You’ve been so blind » she tenderly patted his face. « Farewell, Dean... »  
« Lisa » he grabbed her hand and tried to pull her closer to kiss her. She allow that last contact. He felt her hand against his chest, but she was pushing him away. He could feel her perfume one last time.  
« Tell him, before it’s too late » she turned away without another look at him. She grabbed her coat and left.

Dean stood there, motionless, in the middle of the living room, unable to comprehend what had just occurred. He tried to understand how they had come down to this.  
He ran his hand through his hair and felt a heavy lump in his throat. Even breathing was painful.  
He plopped down on the stairs and started to cry, in silence.  
He suddenly felt an arm around his neck and a hand on his leg.  
He didn’t have to look up… He’d recognized the scent of his daughter and the head of his son on his shoulder.  
Why did he have to hide his pain? They’d heard everything anyway. For the first time, he allowed himself to show his children how much he was hurt.  
Because he had lost Lisa, but most of all, because of the hurtful evidence. Perhaps he was about to lose Castiel as well. This simple thought tore his heart apart and he collapsed in his hands, elbows on his knees.  
They remained like this for several minutes. Then Dean took control of his emotions again.  
« I’m sorry, kids. I’m so sorry »  
« It’s OK. Daddies can cry too » Jewel said, holding him tighter.  
« I love you so much » he pulled his daughter closed and embraced his son.  
« I’m sorry, Dad » Chadwick whispered.  
« It’s our fault. We haven’t been kind to her » he said, looking down.  
« You’ve been acting like yourselves. But next time, tell me the truth, don’t pretend »  
« We wanted you to be happy » the boy said, looking up.  
« You make me happy. If you’re not, I can’t be either. Do you understand ?»  
« Yes, I do » his embrace got even stronger.  
Jewel raised her hand to wipe his tears away and blew them away from her little fingers.  
Castiel was doing this to make the pain vanish when she was hurt ; it was his way to deal with the kids’ bruises.  
He looked at the door. What if Lisa was right?  
He knew he couldn’t live without him, he had forced Castiel to swear he would stay with them, because he didn’t feel like he could make it without this man, this friend who had taken such a huge importance in their life… in his life.  
Was it love, or just a very special friendship?  
« I don’t like that Zeke » Chadwick finally stated.  
Dean tried to refrain from laughing and kept his eyes on the door.  
« I don’t either » he sighed « But we must think about Castiel. He deserves to be happy» Yet he didn’t sound very convincing.  
« You deserve that too » Chadwick sighed, raising his eyes.  
« What do I deserve too ?»  
« That’s what Castiel said for you and Lisa... »  
« Really ? » he smiled with tenderness.  
« But he looked sad when he said it» Chadwick went on as he stood up.  
« Thank you, my angels »  
« I love you, Dad » his son said, climbing the stairs.  
« I love you too, Dad, I love you a thousand times more » Jewel said, putting her arms around his neck and kissing him.  
« Go to bed now, pumpkin... School tomorrow »  
« Good night.»

He heard the bedrooms doors close. Silence ruled over the place again. He stared at Apache, sitting next to the couch.  
« C’mon… let’s go for a walk… I can’t breathe in here »  
He poured a shot of whisky and drank it in one gulp. The dog was nicely waiting by the door.  
Dean poured a second one and grabbed the leash... He drank his second shot and left the glass in the hall table.  
« Don’t look at me like that. It’s cold outside. ‘s just gonna keep warm » he put on his vest and went outside.


	17. He’ll always be the only one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wish you an Happy New year...  
> May this year bring you happiness and peace. Health and love.
> 
> Thank you to all those who follow this story in the shade or the light.  
> thank you for being here.  
> New revelation will have Dean's beliefs shaken.
> 
> Pay attention several "back in time" in this chapter...  
> Enjoy

 

On their second date, Zeke invited Castiel to the premiere of Shakespeare’s Othello on Wednesday night.  
Castiel had rarely attended a theater play or even a concert; therefore it was an opportunity he was too happy not to miss.  
« Dean...Did you plan anything on Wednesday night? » he started out during breakfast.  
« No. Why d’you ask ? »  
« Zeke has invited to me go and see a play »  
« Zeke ? » Dean replied on a tone a lot sharper than he intended.  
« He’s your new lover? » Jewel asked, staring right at him.  
« Er… no, Sweetie. We’re just friends.»  
« Yet you have gone out twice this week… That conference on Monday and now Othello» Dean couldn’t help but phrasing the obvious.  
« Sure. But it doesn’t mean anything. You’re going out with Becky every two weeks, that doesn’t mean...»  
« Help me God » Dean abruptly interrupted him, raising his hands. « If it were up to me, I’d skip that part. » he added, sipping his coffee.  
« She’s nice » Castiel insisted.  
« She’s a pain in the butt. I wish Chuck would screw her for good so she’d leave me in peace»  
« Dean ! » he shouted, wide-eyed, nodding at the children.  
« So what ? Can you imagine the hell I’m going through ? She can’t help putting her hands on me all the time » he made a face.  
The children started to laugh.  
« Why isn’t Chuck telling her what he feels for her… It’s been a while they’ve known each other »  
« He’s afraid to get turned down... which may actually happen » Dean winked at him. « I’m rather handsome, compared to him» he added with a big smile on his face.  
« And very modest, to say the least » Castiel smiled in turn. « So for Wednesday, may I tell him it’s ok ? »  
Dean sighed and sank into his chair.  
« Go and watch that bloody play if that’s what you want...I’ll take care of the kids... Anyway, I’m so tired these days that all I can do is to collapse on the couch at night »  
« Thanks Dean... I owe you one. Just tell me when you want me to return the favor when you wanna go out with Lisa »  
« OH SHIT » Dean shouted, raising up. « Lisa... She’s been trying to reach me for the last two days. Dammit! With all that damn work... »  
His phone rang.  
« Speak of the devil » Castiel said.  
Dean let out a deep breath and nodded it wasn’t her.  
« Hi Kevin »  
Castiel took the opportunity to gently chase the children out of the kitchen and started to clean the table.  
« No, listen Kevin, I know but we’re overworked right now, man... » he said, rubbing the back of his neck. « Hmmm...Yeah… I’ll call him, I’m sure he’ll give us a hand.... »  
He took his cup from Castiel’s hands, showing it was still half full.  
« It’s cold » the latter whispered. Dean nodded he didn’t care.  
« Yeah yeah, I hear ya... Everyone in here hears ya, by the way, lower the tone or you’re gonna make me deaf » he said with a big sigh. « I’ll call Bobby and I’ll let you know. In the meantime, tell that lady client that we can’t promise anything. There are other cars we need to fix first» he added, sipping his coffee.  
He winced. Castiel took the cup from his hands, emptied it in the sink and poured another fresh cup.  
Dean thanked him with a smile.  
« I’ll come in 30 minutes... I just need to drop the kids to school and I’ll be there in no time »  
Castiel pointed at himself, meaning he was ready to take care of the children.  
« You're sure ? »  
« Yes. Go ahead… I’ll drive them. »  
« Listen, Kevin… I’m leaving the house now and I’ll be right there... Yeah, I know... » he raised his eyes to the ceiling.  
« I’ll call as soon as you hang up... Thanks... Yeah, sure.» he flipped his phone close.  
« Sorry, man » he stood up.  
« You know it’s ok with me. I’ll drive the kids to school during the whole week, if that helps you deal with your agenda more easily? »  
« I love you » Dean tapped on his arm. « What would I do without you? » he walked out of the kitchen.  
« Same here » Castiel answered, as he finished cleaning the table.  
« DEAN...DON’T FORGET... » too late, he heard the door bang. « Lisa » he finished in a whisper.

 

www

 

Snow invited itself the next Wednesday...  
Dean was sitting in the armchair, watching the news, when he heard the doorbell.  
Chadwick stood up to open the door, followed by Apache’s eyes.  
« Hi » Zeke happily said, hitting his boots against the outside wall to get rid of the snow.  
« Hi » the boy invited him in.  
Zeke walked towards Dean.  
« Good evening »  
« Hi » Dean replied, still staring at the TV screen.  
Chadwick disappeared in the kitchen, leaving Zeke standing alone in the middle of the living room.  
« You can sit down, ya know... My furniture never ate anybody » Dean claimed.  
« Thanks» Zeke took off his coat. For the first time, Dean looked up at his visitor, one leg crossed on the other, heel on his knee, one hand on his heel.  
He was obviously all dressed up, which raised some suspicion in Dean’s mind.  
« So, theater tonight ? »  
« Yes...Othello »  
« Great » Dean snapped with disdain.  
« It’s a classic »  
« I’m sure it is » he said, looking back again at the TV screen.  
« Castiel is not around ? »  
« Sure, he is… He’s taking care of Jewel. She wanted to finish a puzzle… He’s got a lot more patience than me for this kind of stuff »  
« I’ve noticed he’s very fond of the kids»  
« No really? » Dean was having fun with this. « He actually loves my kids only.. He’s kept repeating this for the last ten years... He doesn’t want any of his own anyway »  
« Oh » Zeke seemed surprised.  
« Is that a problem ? » Dean watched him out the corner of his eye.  
« Not at all... »  
« Tell me, what’s your play about, anyway ? » he turned his head to face him, yet peeping at the TV screen from time to time.  
« It’s about jealousy and murder »  
« Doesn’t sound like much fun to me »  
« No it doesn’t» Zeke started to laugh. « Dean !... May I call you Dean? »  
« Of course. Why ? Did you intend to call me Mr. Winchester ? » Dean straightened up.  
« Does… Does Castiel have someone in his life... The point is, each time I try to raise the subject, he … eludes it »  
Dean’s face went emotionless.  
« There is Balty, but he isn’t what you could call someone in his life… Actually, they’ve seen each other less and less since Balty developed a crush for his Cow-boy »  
« Really ? » Zeke sounded genuinely surprised.  
« Really.... You see, it’s never too late to find a suitable match. Besides, you gotta admit this goddam Balty tried a lot of combinations in the past » he smiled with tenderness.  
« Castiel is free then » Zeke looked down.  
Dean didn’t answer... He kept staring at Zeke who was smiling a blissful smile.  
« Let’s get this straight, Zekie »  
The latter raised his head, surprised by the tone in Dean’s voice.  
« May I call you Zekie?» he asked with a faint smile stretching his lips.  
« If you like » he felt a bit on the defensive.  
« Cass has had a rough year »  
He read on Zeke’s face he didn’t know what Dean was talking about, surprisingly, Dean felt relieved and happy about it... Castiel hadn’t said anything to Zeke...  
« He went through ... whatever... » Dean’s hand brushed the words away.  
« If you wanna commit any further, you need to go easy on him… Castiel is a nice guy and I won’t let anyone hurt him, you got that ? » Dean said, leaning towards Zeke.  
« It was not my intention to hurt him in any way »  
« It isn’t anyone’s intention » he replied, feeling tensed.  
« Anyone ? » Zeke’s eyes were asking for some explanation.  
« Never mind. Just watch out... I wouldn’t hesitate to kick your ass if you let anything bad happen to him…Capice ? » Dean leaned back and watched the news again.  
« Capice » Zeke finally said in a low voice, feeling completely at a lost by Dean’s reaction.  
« You’re rather patronizing regarding Castiel »  
« I am with my whole family... But Cass... With Cass it’s different. So don’t hurt him if you value your pretty face, OK?... I’d rather not offer you a nose job, you seem like a nice guy » he said, stretching his arms and standing up.  
« You want a beer ? »  
« Er… a… what ? »  
« A beer, man… You know, a beverage with bubbles and foam»  
« Yes please, thank you » Zeke nervously rubbed his hands on his pants.  
« I’ll get you one ....Cass shouldn’t be long now »  
« Long ? »  
« Yeah… the puzzle… at Marissa’s, Jewel’s friend » he went to the kitchen.  
Zeke stared at the empty armchair.  
« This should be interesting » he said to himself, checking his watch.  
   
Castiel returned less than fifteen minutes later.  
« Daaaaaaaaaaaad ! » Jewel shouted, rushing in her father’s arms.  
« Hi Pumpkin. Did you finish this puzzle ? »  
« Yes, we did… Marissa is gonna put it on a board with John and hang it on her bedroom wall»  
« See? She liked your gift» he smiled at his little girl.  
« Yes she did» she turned to Zeke.  
« Hi »  
« Hello »  
« Hi Zeke »  
« Cass » Zeke put his beer on the coffee table and stood up.  
Dean’s face tensed, Castiel’s as well.  
« Do I have time to get changed ? »  
« Sure… The play starts in one hour… I thought we could go and have a drink first »  
« Why not? » Castiel asnwered as we was already heading upstairs.  
« Gimme five minutes »  
« Rather fifteen » Dean snapped with a click of his tongue.  
« DEAN... I heard you »  
« He’s got a sharp ear too… You’d better be careful » Dean said, shrugging his shoulders and finishing his beer.

« So, Miss, what about you go and take a shower now while I prepare supper» he said to Jewel.  
« May I have a soda first ? »  
« Yeah, go ahead, and tell your brother to go and walk Apache... I don’t care if it snows or not, he wanted to have a dog, he needs to assume everything that goes with it »  
« OK Daddy » she ran to the kitchen.  
« Kids! » he amusingly complained, shaking his head.  
« They look awesome »  
« They know who they take after »  
« After me » a voice said in his back.  
«Wow Cass... You broke a record, man... less than two minutes » he looked at his watch.  
« I can’t find my grey shirt » Castiel frowned.  
« Er.. .The one with the emblem in the back ?» Dean felt a bit embarrassed.  
« DEAN ! » Castiel folded his arms.  
« It was on top of the pile of clothes in the ironing basket. I had no time to go and pick another one, I just took the first one available »  
« Yeah, sure... And I presume I’ve got to believe you ? ».  
« It’s in my room, if you want it… » there was a fake expression of embarrassment on his face.  
« Curled up in a ball somewhere, I presume »  
« Er… » Dean looked at his empty bottle and turned it between his hands.  
« I don’t care if you borrow my shirts, Dean, but I’d appreciate if you could put them in the laundry basket from time to time, OK ?» he unfolded his arms.  
« I put a load of washing on last night… You can take my blue shirt, if you want to » Dean said.  
« The checked one ? »  
« Yeah » Dean smiled.  
« I forgive you, then » Castiel laughed as he saw Dean’s shamefaced expression.  
« Do me a favor and put the grey one in the laundry basket... Most of my shirts aren’t really in such a good shape and I particularly care about this one.»  
« How many times did we tell you to buy new ones ? » he said, following Castiel to the door of the newly-arranged laundry room.  
« If you had better taste in clothes, we wouldn’t worry so much »  
« You don’t seem to care about my taste in clothes when it comes to borrow my shirts » he replied, coming down the steps.  
« I’d like to point out that, besides the grey one, I don’t touch your stuff » Dean shouted from upstairs.  
« What about my black and white Nike t-shirts ?! »  
« SHIT CASS ! »  
He felt Zeke’s perplexed eyes on him.  
« What ? »  
« Nothing… You two sound like an old married couple, kicking the crap out of each other » He sounded both amused and sad.  
Dean felt he was blushing a bit and turned away.  
« Yeah… Kids ! What did I say ? » he headed to the kitchen.  
Zeke understood that same day that he would have a hard time finding his place in Castiel’s life as it was already filled by Dean and his kids.  
Dean accompanied them to the door.  
« Enjoy your evening, nerds » he said with a touch of bitter irony.  
« See you tonight, Dean »  
« Unless you’re coming home too late. I’m dog tired, so I won’t be waiting for long»  
« Promise »  
He watched them leave with a heavy heart… Castiel...  
« C’mon man, snap out of it. What’s the matter with ya ? You’re such an asshole » he rubbed his hands in the cold.  
« Are you talking to yourself, Dad ? » Chadwick was going out with Apache.  
« I don’t talk to myself… I’m thinking aloud... quite different »  
« If you say so... »  
« You’re going for a walk ? »  
« Yep » the boy started to run, the dog running alongside.  
« Chad ... Watch out, you’re gonna fall on your face » Dean warned him.  
« Don’t worry » the boy soon disappeared around the corner of the street.

  
   
www

  
   
That night, he waited for Castiel, sitting in the armchair. As hours passed, he felt more and more tensed… He was beginning to worry… he was getting impatient… And most of all, he was beginning to cogitate...  
What if Zeke finally became a part of Castiel’s life and what if Castiel finally started to love him in return?  
« Nahhhh » he shook his head.  
« He’s not his type » he looked at Apache, asking for a confirmation.  
What was his type, anyway ? He never saw any picture of Michael, but as far as he knew, he was rather handsome, just like Balty for that matter...  
This Zeke was handsome too, well, from his male point of view... He seemed to have been granted all the criteria to be seductive... Tall, well built, beautiful face... Nice at first glance. Besides, he was intelligent to say the least.... Professor of literature...  
He felt a knot in his stomach.  
« A professor, dammit ! » he sighed. « He could’ve chosen a dumbass, with a pretty face, but of course, Mr. Castiel had to chose the intellectual type ! »  
« Are you sure you’re ok, Dad ? » his son was having fun.  
« Chad ? » Dean jumped from the couch.  
« Aren’t you supposed to be asleep ? » he was obviously ashamed to have been caught talking to himself again.  
« I was thirsty. »  
« Is that so ? »  
« You should be careful. Usually old people are the ones talking to themselves»  
« You wanna know what the old one has to say to that? »  
« You know, Dad, ...Castiel » he stopped in the middle of his sentence.  
« What about Castiel ? » Dean was on the defensive.  
« He doesn’t care that you’re a mechanic »  
« Why are you telling me this ? » he asked with wide-opened eyes.  
« Because you’ll always be his favorite, even if the other one is more intelligent »  
« I beg your pardon?? » his jaw dropped.  
« Never mind » the boy headed for the kitchen.  
He stood there, thinking about what he’d just heard, again and again until Chad came back with an innocent look.  
« Good night, Othello » he said, walking up the stairs with a big smile on his face.  
« Othello ? »

The door had opened at that precise moment.  
« Good night, big boy» Castiel said, stroking Apache that welcomed him home.  
« Dean ? » he was surprised to see him up.  
« Yeah. Who else were you expecting ? »  
« I thought you’d be in bed by now »  
« You thought wrong… So, how was your evening ?»  
« Interesting »  
« That’s it ? »  
« I didn’t like the staging » he was covered with snow and took his trench coat and his boots off.  
« What about the staging ? A play is a play, period »  
« They were all disguised as animals… I’m not certain that Shakespeare would have appreciated » he said, hanging his coat in the hall.  
« Anyway, I didn’t like it »  
« What about Zeke ? »  
« He found it ... interesting »  
« Are you… I mean… » he looked down. « Are you gonna see each other again soon?»  
« He invited me to a restaurant tomorrow night»  
« Wow... he’s definitely giving his best shot ! » he said in a bitter tone, pushing his hands in deep his jeans pockets.  
« That restaurant is helping artists to show their work. Why are you talking about giving his best shot? »  
« Er… Cass... a man who invites you to a restaurant has a precise idea in mind »  
« Pardon ? » Castiel didn’t seem to understand where Dean was getting at.  
« Cass... I believe Zeke has a crush on you »  
« Oh » He seemed genuinely surprised.  
« Ah » he went on.  
« There are some more vowels in the alphabet, ya know ! » Dean laughed, looking at his friend’s face.  
« Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed anything?»  
« I did notice he was a bit...»  
« A bit what? » Dean encouraged him to go on.  
« Caring a bit too much » he rubbed the back of his head.  
« And ? »  
« I don’t know »  
« Are you attracted to him?» he felt his heart beating faster as the question popped out of his mouth. He tried to make eye contact.  
« May be » Castiel answered as honestly as he could. « I don’t know, I never thought of our relationship that way »  
« Nothing forces you to, right ? » Dean’s voice was begging, making Castiel raised his eyes and look at him.  
Dean drowned in the big blue...  
« Shit ! » he quickly looked away.  
« What’s the matter, Dean ? »  
« Nothing. Do you know what time it is ? »  
« You’re right… Thanks for waiting for me and… for the interesting conversation »  
« Well, don’t feel obliged to take what I said to the letter... After all, what do I know about gay relationships? Perhaps he just wanna be your friend »  
« Dean »  
« What ? » he sounded a bit irritated.  
« If I didn’t know you well, I’d say you’re …» he didn’t finish his sentence.  
« What ? » Dean pushed him to go on.  
« I’d say… you’re jealous » he smiled, his eyes were sparkling.  
« Nonsense !... I’m worried about you, that’s all... You’re my best friend… And this year has been rather rough… I don’t want anything bad happening to you »  
« Anything like what? Falling in love ?»  
Dean’s face went pale and Castiel guessed the idea was very unpleasant for Dean. He couldn’t help but smile at him.  
« Don’t worry, Dean… You’ll always be my favorite »  
« What did you just say ? » Dean startled, recalling the words of his son.  
« Nothing. Go to sleep.... Tomorrow is another busy day »  
« CASS »  
« Good night»  
He climbed the stairs, Dean’s eyes on his back.  
« I’m going nuts... I gotta go to sleep, I’m hallucinating... I’m hearing voices»  
« DEAN... you’re talking to yourself » Castiel started to laugh.  
« I’m.. I’m…I’m loosing it, that’s for sure... Tomorrow, I’ll go and see Lisa, and we’re gonna have angry sex and everything’s gonna be all right » he said to himself, rubbing his face.  
« I need to sleep » he said, walking upstairs to his bedroom.

  
   
www

  
   
Bloody Thursday ! Dean was ranting. Lisa was gone. She had left him to marinate in his doubts...  
Apache lying at his feet, Dean was sitting at the kitchen table, a fourth beer in his hands, not to mention the two shots of whiskey he had drunk before walking the dog. The alcohol was now burning like fire in his body.  
« Nonsense ! » he was turning the bottle between his fingers.« I don’t love Castiel » he called the dog to witness. « I like him, but I don’t love him... »  
The dog sat and tilted his head, in expectation.  
« Can you imagine me ? Sleeping with him ? It’s just... » he winced at the idea.  
« That’s disgusting ! Holy shit, it’s Cass !! And I’m straight» he was trying to convince himself, swallowing gulps of beer one after another.  
« This is pure madness... » he leaned, resting his forehead in the palm of his hand, still turning the bottle with the other one.  
« I can’t be attracted to another man, now, can I ?... Not him! »  
«Sit down and take some time to think.... try to imagine your life without him »  
Lisa’s words were hitting back like a boomerang...  
« You love him »  
« Bullshit ! » he threw the bottle across the room... It burst against the fridge door.  
The dog got panicked and took cover under the table.  
« It’s ok, buddy, don’t be scared... I’m exhausted...I’m just imagining things » he patted the dog to reassure him.  
« I’ve gotta clean this mess now. That was stupid » he stood up, holding on to the table to regain his balance.  
« Whoa... you’re plastered, Deannie.... » He opened the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a dustpan and a brush.  
« Stay right there. I don’t need you to get hurt with the pieces »  
He crouched and brushed the glass pieces away.  
He paused for a moment and sighed.  
« Tessa my beloved… I need you right now… Please help… I’m lost… completely lost… everything was so simple when you were there… I miss you » he pressed his forehead against the fridge.  
   
He was sipping his fifth beer when the front door opened. Castiel’s voice sounded strangely cold and Zeke’s sounded desperate… A bit annoyed too.  
« Cass... I beg you »  
« Don’t call me that, Zeke »  
« Oh I’m sorry. Only Mr. Winchester has got the right to call you that, I forgot » he swore bitterly.  
Dean stood up and leaned on the kitchen door frame to listen to them, motioning the dog to stay still.  
« I told you I’m not ready… But it’s all my fault. I thought… »  
« What did you think ? Why do you think I was interested in you? »  
« Dunno » Castiel was visibly irritated « Listen, Zeke, go home. We’ll talk about this tomorrow, ok ?»  
« Talk about what ? You made it quite clear that I’ll never be a part of your life. So what is there to talk about ? » Zeke was getting more and more angry.  
« We could still be friends? We have plenty in common, we… »  
« That’s not what I want »  
« But Zeke, we hardly know each other »  
« When I first met you, I just knew. Why do we have to wait to be sure?»  
« I’m sorry if my attitude made you believe that my feelings for you were beyond friendship »  
« It’s because of him, right ? » he walked closer to Castiel.  
« Who ? Balty ? There isn’t anything but a genuine friendship between us. I never loved him»  
« I’m not talking about him » his eyes were now looking daggers.  
« Who … » he felt trapped.  
« You’ve got no chance with him. NONE. He doesn’t give a damn about your ass... » Zeke was now shouting.  
« Zeke ! » Castiel peeked at the stairs. « That’s enough » He frowned. « You need to calm down and go home now. We’ll talk about it when your head’s clear. »  
« He’ll never get laid with you. The mere thought of touching you must be seem repulsive to him» he shouted, angry and hurt. His budding love had been cut to the root.  
« SHUT UP » Castiel suddenly shouted, pushing him away. « SHUT YOUR MOUTH »  
Dean’s body tensed. He was ready to interfere when he heard Zeke’s voice and froze again.  
« He will never love you. Do you hear me? NEVER. He doesn’t give a damn about you, you’re nothing but his best friend, the one who takes care of his kids. He’s got Lisa now. It’s only a matter of time before she moves in one day. And on that day, you’ll be sorry »  
« Shut up » Castiel said in a broken voice. « Shut up....Zeke » he suddenly felt very tired and close to tears.  
« He can never love you but I can, Castiel »  
He walked closer and gently forced him to raise his chin.  
« I can love you for who you really are »

Dean had taken it all like so many blows... Castiel was in love with him....  
He closed his eyes, his head leaning on the door frame...  
How was he gonna deal with this? It really was a shitty day.  
He cursed Balty for bringing this man into their lives.  
He cursed himself for being unable to deny what Zeke has just said.  
The very idea of being in a relationship with a man was repulsive to him. It wasn’t homophobia. He knew that. It was just physical.  
But he didn’t wanna lose Castiel, he couldn’t live without him, the mere thought of losing him was intolerable.  
He slided down and held his head between his hands.  
The world was collapsing all around him...  
« Castiel »  
« Leave me alone» Castiel whispered with contempt, pushing him away. « What did you expect ? That I would be broken after you loathed your resentment and jealousy, huh? » he said with disdain. « I’ve learned to live with it ; this pain has been a part of me, not for a short week, but for the last TEN years» he now pushed Zeke away violently. « So don’t you piss me off with your qualms. Indeed, he doesn’t love me ; indeed this is killing me, but I don’t care. Because I live with him. Because he likes me in his own way and that’s more than enough for me. Do you understand? He’ll always be the only one that matters. He needs me as much as I need him »  
« He will never love you » Zeke kept repeating. « You treasure your dreams rather than real life... You’re pathetic. Look at you !» Zeke looked at him up and down. « You keep hoping for more all the time. I’m sure that you’d still believe in him even if he kicked you out of his life. That guy sucked the marrow out of you. »  
« No... That guy, as you put it, saved me. This family saved me. I’m happy, Zeke, are you able to understand that word ? I certainly am. Life hasn’t always been kind to us but we are coping with it all every single day. As an ordinary family. Yeah, I know, it’s so pathetic to love a man who’ll never love me in return, but you know what? I don’t care..»  
« You’re an awesome guy, Castiel... You deserve to be loved for who you are. You deserved to be touched, to be kissed… You deserved to taste the desire of a man who’d love you too»  
« Zeke » Castiel looked down.  
« Let me be that lucky man… I beg you… save me a place in your life »  
« There isn’t any »  
Dean felt a heavy lump in his throat and the tears coming. He painfully raised, trying not to intrude.  
« Give me a chance» Zeke approached Castiel until their lips almost touched.  
In a desperate reaction, he pressed his lips against Castiel’s who was trying to push him away.  
« ZEKE...NO »  
« Just give me a chance » he extended a hand towards his cheek but was suddenly interrupted when he felt a strong grip on his wrist and his arm being twisted behind his back.  
« He said NO ! Do you need me to translate ?» Dean whispered in his ear in a threatening tone.  
« LET ME GO » Zeke turned around. He was furious.  
He stepped away. Castiel had withdrawn, his fists against his thighs. Dean was standing in front of him. The vein on his forehead was beating hard.  
« You don’t deserve him » Zeke whispered before leaving, banging the door in the process.  
There was a long, heavy silence.  
« GO TO YOUR BEDS ! » Dean shouted to his kids, standing upstairs against the banisters. « RIGHT NOW! »  
He waited to be sure the children were back in their room and turned to face Castiel.  
« Are you OK ? »  
« Yes. I guess so… Thanks » he looked down. « How long have you... »  
« Since the beginning, Cass »  
He saw the sad smile on his face.  
« I wish things would be different »  
« Cass » Dean walked closer.  
« Don’t, Dean... I need to be alone »  
He hesitated for a moment, then stepped back. Only to come back again.  
«You will always be Cass for me, you know that? It doesn’t matter to me that you… I mean… you know what I mean » he rubbed the back of his neck.  
« What Dean ?... To know that I love you, is that it? » his eyes were shining. « Anyway, it won’t make any difference in your life or in mine, right ? »  
« Cass » Dean’s voice was nothing but a faint whisper now.  
« After all, you’ve got Lisa. » he said bitterly « One day, she’ll fill the whole space in your life »  
« Cass...Lisa and I broke up » his voice was broken too.  
« What? » Castiel looked surprised.  
« We had a fight and she left me » he bit his lower lip, trying to keep is composure.  
« But… why ? »  
« Because of… » he smiled at fate out there  « because of you »  
« Because of me ? »  
« She thinks that I’m… in love with you»  
Castiel suddenly found himself lost in Dean’s eyes.  
« But I can’t love you, Cass.... I can’t… you know that, right ? »  
« Shhhhh...» Castiel put a finger on his lips, forcing Dean to remain silent. « Please. Don’t say anything»  
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes  
« I… I need to go away »

Dean suddenly felt the ground vanish from underneath his feet. He felt a frozen wave run through his body. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t react.  
« You’ve sworn, Cass » He felt shattered.  
« I know, Dean. But … I need time for myself... I need to put some space between us... »  
« NO...NO ...NO... I won’t let you… not you » he grabbed his arm.« You have no right to abandon me » he started to shake him.  
« Dean, please, let me go »  
« NEVER »  
He walked so close that Castiel smelled the soaked breath on his lips.  
« I can’t love you like you want me to, but at least I can show you I care about you a lot»  
« Dean » their eyes met.  
« That’s all I can offer you » he put his hands on Castiel’s cheeks and… kissed him.  
It was a chaste kiss, pressed on his lips in an ultimate desperate attempt.  
It took just one second. Yet for Castiel it seemed like an eternity... Dean slowly moved away and opened his eyes.  
« Don’t leave me » he said, avoiding Castiel’s eyes.  
He swiftly stepped back, ran to the door, grabbed his coat and bursted out.  
« Dean » Castiel touched his lips with the tips of his fingers.  
« DEAN » he ran after him but the Impala was already gone.  
« Dean » he leaned against the wall.

End of chapter


	18. Tomorrow is another day

 

The morning after, Castiel stood up to prepare the breakfast, resuming the routine that seemed to have eluded him all of a sudden... He had finally fallen asleep late in the night, mentally and physically exhausted.  
Dean hadn’t shown up since he had left like a tornado... As he was preparing the coffee pot, Castiel ran the events of the previous day in his head, over and over again… All had been said, almost...  
He leaned on the sink and sighed. Would their relationship survive this ? Would that token of love destroy everything and lead to heavy repercussions ?  
Apache’s wet nose on his hand drew him out of his reverie.  
« You’re hungry, big boy » He caressed the animal. « Sometimes I envy you, you know »  
He opened the cabinet, took the dog food and filled its bowl... He observed the dog with a sad little smile.

« Good morning » a little voice said. He turned around and noticed Jewel hadn’t had much sleep either.  
« Good morning, Sweetie » he smiled at her, but his eyes were focusing far beyond the child.  
She ran to him and Castiel pulled her in a tight embrace.  
He gently stroke her hair.  
« Sit down… I’m making French toast. Do you like it? »  
« Yes » she looked at him, somehow expecting an answer to a question she was afraid to ask.  
« Hi » Chadwick said with a bit of hesitation.  
« Good morning, big boy... French toast this morning, is that all right? »  
« Great. Thanks » he sat down.  
« Dad isn’t there ? » Jewel was a bit surprised.  
Castiel froze for a brief moment then resumed his task.  
« No.... »  
« Where is he ? »  
« I don’t know, Sweetie » he replied with a hoarse voice.  
« He didn’t call? » she asked, suddenly worried.  
« I’m sure he’s at the garage, Jewel... he has a lot to do, you know. He’ll be home tonight» Chadwick answered, rushing to the rescue.  
« You’re sure ? » she looked at her brother, a bit suspicious.  
« Trust me » he poured her a glass of orange juice.  
They ate in silence. Castiel didn’t eat at all, drinking nothing but a coffee.  
« Go get dressed for school now, my angels. »  
The children left without a word or a look at him.

Castiel pulled out his phone and looked up the list of names...DEAN...  
« You have reached Dean Winchester’s voice mail. I’m not available for the moment. Just leave a message and your coordinates and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible »  
« Dean... It’s me... Where are you ? Come back home, please... The kids are worried… I… I am worried.... »  
He took a deep breath, trying to chose the most appropriate words to say.  
« About last night... I... I won’t leave, Dean… Never…. I can’t leave this family, you all mean so much to me… And… about what happened between us… I’m… I’m not asking anything… I know that nothing will ever happen between us… I’ve always known, but I also know that you care about me, just enough to have… »  
He sighed and went on, although this time, his voice was a bit shaky.  
« ...I love you, Dean. I’ll never tell you again, don’t worry. We’ll turn that page and move on. Together... as if nothing ever happened… I can’t live without the three of you… Today is another day. Let’s forget about yesterday... »  
He hung up, lost in his thoughts for a few seconds and stood up, like an automaton...  
He looked at the snow covering the garden with a thick layer of white powder.  
He smiled. We should build up a snowman, he surprisingly thought.

 

www  
 

Dean looked at his phone for a long time and finally listened to the message.  
With no emotion on his face, his eyes staring at the garage entrance, he listened to Castiel’s voice confess one last time he loved him before silencing this secret love, impossible between them.  
He hesitated for a moment and finally decided not to erase the message.  
He stepped out of the Impala and cursed as he sunk into the thick layer of snow... He spent one hour shoveling the snow in front of the entrance...  
One hour of sweat and rage, letting out the anger and the pain, as well as all that frustration eating him from the inside. Everything could be so much easier if his body was accepting what his mind was dictating him.  
It was just physical, he had a hard time imagining touching the body of another man, he never felt the desire to do so, even if that kiss hadn’t been repulsive as he thought it would be, or as he wanted it to be.  
He rested his arms on the shovel. It wasn’t a real kiss, he thought, trying to convince himself... It had just been dictated by the fear of losing him and a way – not that smart, to say the least – to offer him a piece of that dream Castiel had been waiting for during the last ten years.  
He asked himself to what extent he was lying to himself, but swiftly brushed the idea away. He couldn’t be in love with a man… even if…  
« Hi Boss... Fell out of bed early?» Kevin saluted him, interrupting the course of his thoughts.  
Dean observed him and smiled. The man was wearing several layers of warm clothes.  
« I let my car to my sister, Christmas shopping, ya know. » Kevin raised his eyes to heaven. His arms were clumsily swaying along his body.  
« Sometimes I wonder why I ever moved from Hawaii ! » he said as he opened the service entrance.  
« Admit it, you missed the snow too much while in the tropics »  
« Absolutely not » he sighed and walked inside  
« I’m gonna get a coffee. Want some ? »  
« Yes, please… I’m almost done, I’ll be right there »  
He reached for his phone.  
   
Castiel read the message and smiled.  
_« At the garage... wait for me for supper... will be a little late_ »  
He was about to answer when he received another message  
_« Today is another day_ »  
He felt a twinge of sorrow. This kiss would be unique, he knew it… He’d just hoped for more… as always… in vain...  
« It was Dad ? » Jewel asked as she stared at Castiel who was staring at his phone.  
« Yes, Sweetie...» he felt a lump in his throat.  
« Where is he ? »  
« At the garage» he replied, raising wet eyes to her. « Is your brother ready ? »  
« Yes » she nodded.  
« Get your coats. I’ll be right there » he gently pushed her forward.  
« OK » she ran, Apache on her heels.  
He typed on his phone keyboard.  
« _Hi… Can we meet today?_ »  
Several seconds after, the reply came...  
« _One o’clock...Café Carver... You know where it is_ ? »  
He smiled a sad smile.  
« _No »_  
 _« Close to the Ford School »_  
 _« Okay_ »  
« Are you all right ? »  
He sighed  
« _I don’t think so_ »  
« We’re ready, Castiel » Jewel shouted from the living room.  
He put his phone back in his pocket, breathed in deeply to hold back the pain twisting his guts and caught up with the kids...

  
   
www  
 

They all stepped in the car, it was freezing outside... Castiel turned on the heating and stepped out again to scrap off the frost off the windshield.  
He could feel the kids were watching him… Jewel was clinging to her brother to stay warm...  
When he sat back in the car, he felt a more comfortable warmth bathing the compartment.  
« It’s gonna be a harsh winter » he smiled at them in the rear-view mirror.  
He bit his tongue.  
« Kids, about last night... I’m sorry you had to witness all this... I... »  
« Castiel » Chadwick interrupted him.  
« Yes ? » he looked down at his legs.  
« You don’t have to worry, you know... »  
He didn’t know to which part of the quarrel or the discussion Chadwick was referring to yet he couldn’t help but smile...  
He had openly revealed his love for their father and they didn’t seem to be disturbed, as if it was so obvious for them, unlike the target of this love, who had obviously decided to erase those few minutes from his memories.  
« We’ll never talk about this incident again, ever... Your father and I... » he grabbed the wheel real tight and tried to find the proper words that wouldn’t pass his lips o matter what.  
« We understand» a gentle voice said.  
He raised his eyes and looked at Chadwick’s eyes, filled with tenderness.  
He bit the inside of his cheek and turned on the ignition.  
« Tonight… will be just like before ».  
« No more Lisa ? No more Zeke ? » Jewel asked.  
« No Sweetie, just us »  
« Great » she was all smiles when she looked through the window.  
They drove the rest of the way in silence, Castiel had switched off the radio because of the interferences due to the weather conditions.  
When he pulled in front of the school, Chadwick looked at Castiel.  
« I may be 11 only, but I... »  
He waited until his sister got our of the car and leaned forward.  
« It’s not fair »  
« What do you mean, big boy ? » he let his head on the headrest and stared into emptiness.  
« It’s not fair » the boy repeated.  
He planted a quick kiss on Castiel’s temple and ran out of the car to avoid the embarrassment his token of affection had generated.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean had a hard time contain his relief when he saw Bobby’s car park at the entrance of the garage… He had worked as a mechanic earlier before settling down in the countryside… But he was still fond of the job and never hesitated to help his neighbor farmers or, like today, Dean when the latter was overwhelmed at work.  
The garage business was running smooth, yet not to the extend of enabling Dean to hire more staff...  
«Bobby » he wiped his hands covered with dirty oil on an old piece of cloth that had probably been white in the past. « Thanks for coming… Especially considering the weather conditions »  
« You’re welcome, Son… you know I’m pleased to help » he tapped his shoulder. « So, what shall I do ? »  
« Kevin is dealing with a Camaro... I’m still busy with a Toyota and a Ford that the owners are supposed to pick up tomorrow. These are top priorities » he replied, as he motioned the cars to Bobby who was already taking off his coat as he followed through the premises.  
« As for the rest, there’s a Peugeot in the back and two more Ford. »  
« Where’s Franck ? »  
« He’s out dealing with a breakdown… The engines and batteries are suffering a lot in this cold »  
« Ok... I’m gonna get a coffee and start with the Toyota, is that all right ? »  
« Awesome... You’re saving my life, Bobby »  
« Hi » Kevin causally saluted, looking worried  
« Hi. Got yourself a hard nut to crack ? »  
« A real bitch, this one, but never let it said that a redneck piece of garbage will defeat me » he snapped back as he started to laugh.  
« So, are you gonna offer me a coffee or do I have to go to Colombia to get one? » Bobby mumbled.  
« Follow me » Dean friendly pushed him.  
Dean was sipping his coffee in silence under the sharp eye of Bobby.  
« What ? » he asked, putting down his mug.  
« What’s the matter, Son ? I can see something’s troubling you. The dark circles around your eyes are bigger than Kansas.»  
Dean leaned forward and rested his arms ion his desk.  
« Lisa and I broke up last night » he said in a whisper.  
« Shit. I’m sorry, man »  
« So am I » Dean let out a deep sigh.  
« Will you manage ? »  
« Do I have a choice ? Anyway, working helps me not to think too much»  
« How did the kids react ? »  
Dean started to laugh, a bit perplexed, with a little grin.  
« I see » Bobby answered, apparently not surprised.  
« And Castiel ? »  
He saw Dean’s fingers tighten around the mug.  
« I... He... Nothing » he finally said in a weak voice.  
He withdrew into himself and Bobby understood the matter was closed. He stared at Dean for a while waiting the him to speak some more. But nothing.  
« Are you gonna sleep over tonight ? » Dean asked, breaking the heavy silence.  
« No.... Jo asked me to come over, we haven’t seen each other in a long while. Did you know she has a new boyfriend ?» Bobby asked, his face now sullen.  
« She told me a little about it last time she called. I think his name is Vin or Vince… Something like this »  
« What does he do, this Vin What-ever-his-name-is? »  
« Dunno, Bobby » Dean let out a sigh and stood up.  
« Told ya, she just barely touched the subject, you know her. You’ll be the first to know tonight »  
« Thanks... Lucky me, indeed !» he pushed his chair away.  
« We’ve got work to do, C’mon »

  
   
www

 

Madison was waiting for him, apparently absorbed in corrections for a while when Castiel entered the Café....  
She waved at him as she put her files away.  
« Hello Madi » he felt a bit embarrassed.  
« Hello Castiel » she smiled at him.  
« I feel like a complete idiot » he said, taking off his trenchcoat...  
He sat down and rolled up the sleeves of his gray marl turtleneck sweater.  
« Why ? » she asked, resting her forearms on the table and looking at him in the eyes.  
« We hardly know each other and… » he looked down. « I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done so »  
« Done what ? Call me ? »  
« You probably have better things to do than listen to someone you met at a boring party, whining around » he sighed.  
« First of all, we aren’t strangers anymore » She winked. « And then, I don’t mind listening to your whining while we’re having lunch »  
Castiel tried to contain his laughter.  
She waved at the waiter  
« I don’t know about you, but I’m starving»  
« How can I help you ? » the young waiter asked with a big smile.  
« Do you have pancakes ? » she asked, resting her chin in the palm of her hand, her elbow leaning on the armrest, which seemed to be a typical posture of hers.  
« Yes, Madam »  
« Perfect... I’ll have pancakes with whipped cream and a coffee, please » she turned to Castiel who hadn’t moved an inch.  
« And you, handsome stranger, what’ll it be ? »  
« A coffee »  
« Just a coffee ? » she stared wide-eyed.  
« I’m not hungry »  
« So it’ll be two pancakes with whipped cream and two coffees » she said to the waiter with a smile.  
« Very well, Madam » he turned around.  
« Madi » Castiel started, nodding.  
« So, I’m ready to hear those lamentations » she raised the other hand under her chin and stared at Castiel who kept his hands under the table and his eyes down.  
« This guy is a total jerk » she finally said, as Castiel didn’t seem ready to speak.  
He raised an eyebrow.  
« I beg your pardon ? »  
« If you were straight, I’d have dragged you in my bed for a long time and ask you to marry me, while I’m at it... You’re so damn cute »  
Castiel blushed.  
« You’re married, remember ? »  
« You’re gay, remember ? » she said, sinking back into her chair. « Besides my husband, you’re most certainly the most adorable stranger I’ve ever met during my boozehound existence... And I continue to believe your Dean is a complete moron not to see the precious one living next to him »  
Castiel couldn’t help but smile… Madison was indeed quite unique.  
The waiter came back with their orders  
« I’ll be right back with your coffees »  
« Take it easy, sweetheart. We’ve got a bit of time. The stranger over here… » she said pointing at Castiel « ... isn’t done yet with his lamentations »  
The waiter tried to smile, feeling both amused and embarrassed to witness the whole scene.  
« So ? » she grabbed her fork and knife, her eyes glowing as she looked down at her plate.  
Castiel did the same unguardedly, and because he felt in complete confidence with her, he told her about Zeke… He told her about Dean… He mentioned what he had done which was haunting him...  
« That’s what I thought… This guy is a complete moron » Madison concluded, swallowing a spoonful of whipped cream. « Nevertheless... » she went on, raising her spoon and plunging it in her coffee cup which the waiter had just brought «... the fact that he kissed you is already significant and sounds like good news » she looked very serious about it.  
« He understood that this kiss meant he would never be able to love me… I fail to see how that can be significant » Castiel snapped back, looking into emptiness.  
« Do you know of that many dudes who kiss their friend only to ask them to stay ?.... The day you find one, let me know»  
« Madi » Castiel sighed and pushed his half-full plate away from him.  
« You’re gonna leave this ? » she pointed at the pancake.  
« I’m not hungry anymore »  
« May I ? » she asked with a brief smile.  
« Pardon ?» He hardly had time to react that she had already exchanged their plates.  
« My husband thinks I’m too thin… This is a good time as any to gain some weight »  
« You’re unbelievable » Castiel started to laugh gently.  
« And you are as stupid as this Dean of yours »  
« Thanks » he crossed his arms on his chest.  
« How old are you again ? »  
« I think I told you already » he looked at her with a teasing expression.  
« I’d say… not more than 35» she frowned as she stared at him.  
« I’m gonna be 40 soon» Castiel finally admitted.  
« If I may, you look younger. Anyway, this doesn’t make you any less stupid, considering your age» she added, licking her lips. « I can’t believe he just kissed you because he didn’t wanna lose you. A simple man embrace would have been more than enough. And I don’t think he wanted to please you after your more-than-explicit declaration of love »  
« Get to the point! »  
« He kissed you because he wanted to. Period. And I guarantee… » she added, pointing her fork at him, «....that even if he denies it now, there’ll come a day when he’ll have to admit his feelings… and …» she looked at him sideways «....with those pretty eyes of yours fixed on his ass all day long, I guarantee that moron will keep asking himself more and more questions »  
« Do you seriously think what you’ve just said? » Castiel was staring in front of him, but there was a revived sparkle in his eyes.  
« I got into more arguments than I can think of with my best friends… Oh yes, I may not seem like it but I can be a real nasty one… Anyway… I quarreled up to the point of no return and I swear to God I never thought I’d have to make out to beg them to stay with me.... This is what I reserve to my beloved when we knock each other about... »

That being said, she swallowed the last portion of pancake as Castiel was staring at her, absolutely speechless.  
« Cat got your tongue, Lamentation ?»  
« Even if what you say is true, even if that kiss… » he nervously twisted his cup between his fingers. « He’ll never take the plunge »  
« Which ? The one involving sexual intercourse » she raised the tone of her voice, which Castiel found extremely embarrassing.  
« Honey, when he starts feeling a bit too tight down there… » she went on with a wink « Don’t worry, he’ll have a rethink »  
« Madi... » Castiel looked around him, feeling uncomfortable.  
« Sorry, but when conversation revolves around sex, I find it exhilarating » she whispered, leaning towards him.  
She straightened and her expression was more serious again.  
« I don’t know whether he’ll take the plunge one day, I don’t know the guy and I’m not gay nor bi : therefore I can’t judge this kind of situation... So, maybe he’s unable to love you that way because he’s stuck with physical principles dating back to the Middle Ages – and I’m sure that back then… well, whatever» she pulled a face and resumed «...but I just can’t believe this kiss didn’t mean anything for him… He’s afraid to lose you because he loves you, it’s as simple as that... And this kiss, however chaste it was, came from him, not you... It wasn’t a cry of despair, Castiel, it was a cry from the heart »  
The man looked down at his empty cup.  
« Are you aware of the impact of what you’ve just said?» he asked in a broken voice.  
« I just told you he loves you, so what? I don’t think I was the only one to have noticed, dixit Lisa... And I’d like to point out I never met the guy and I hardly know the one in front of me who comes whining during my pancake lunch : so if I’m able to draw this kind of conclusion with very few elements, what about those who’ve known you since the beginning?» she crossed her arms on her chest.  
« Madi »  
« Castiel » she smiled.  
« Thanks »  
« You’re welcome, handsome stranger » she motioned the waiter to get the bill.  
« Your treat this time, for my trouble » she put her file back in her purse.  
« Gotta go, I’m late» she stood up and struggled with her coat. She turned around and raised Castiel’s chin with her index finger. « You’ve never been a complete stranger to me. From the moment I saw those two magnificent blue ponds, I knew you were a good man. I don’t know if that guy will love you one day as you deserve, but I’m a hopeless optimistic. So, don’t give up hope: this kiss meant something for sure, Castiel. Give him some time to understand what he feels for you and what’s involved» she smiled with genuine tenderness.  
Castiel grabbed her hand and squeezed it.  
« See you soon » she smiled, leaned towards him and kissed him on the forehead.  
« Please note that I didn’t rush on your sensual lips out of despair» she almost ran out.  
The waiter put the bill in front of Castiel who was lost in a daydream.  
He pulled his phone out of his pocket and typed a message.  
_« Thanks»_  
 _« He loves you »_

  
   
www

  
   
He was absorbed in the meal preparation when he heard the door open. Then he heard Jewel and Chadwick greet him as he walked in the kitchen.  
He felt a strong shiver down his spine, unable to ignore it, feeling rather anxious about what was coming.  
« Hi Cass » he said in a hoarse voice.  
« Hi Dean » he turned around, his lips stretching in a shy smile.  
They were both avoiding eye contact.  
« Cass ? » Dean said, looking down.  
« Yes, Dean »  
« Are we good? » his voice was very low and shaky.  
Castiel leaned with his back to the sink and looked at him. Dean was feeling clumsy as a kid caught up doing some mischief, eager to hear the right words to forgive his error.  
« Yes, Dean, we’re good» Castiel finally answered, feeling a twinge in his heart, but remembering Madison’s words and the hope that was growing inside...  
« Great » Dean was still looking down.  
« You may say otherwise when I’m done cooking this » he said, finally turning around.  
« What are you cooking ? » he asked, eventually looking up at Castiel.  
« Cheese pasta »  
« Are you kidding, I just love those superglue pasta of yours » he let out a forced laugh, feeling a bit relieved, but also a bit like a coward.  
« Ain’t you done criticizing my cooking ?» his eyes were filled with a gentle threat.  
Suddenly, their eyes met… Dean felt a huge lump down his throat and got lost in those big blue oceans, of the man he now knew was in love with him.  
« When do we eat? » Jewel broke the link and Dean took the opportunity to regain his composure.  
« When Castiel is done with the space ladle pasta slaughter episode »  
« Why don’t you set the table, Captain Kirk ? »  
« Wow Cass, you’re awesome» He started to laugh, winking at his daughter who was delighted to see them share a happy moment together, as if nothing had happened.  
« Have you heard that, Jewel ? That was THE ultimate reference» he said, gently poking her.  
« So you see, my Friday sessions aren’t useless after all » he went on, taking the plates and handing them to his daughter.  
« What are we gonna watch tonight, Dad ? » she asked as she set the plates on the table.  
« Tarzan, with the Great Johnny... Kevin lent me his collector box set »  
« Oh My God » Castiel sighed.  
« Stop complaining, you’re gonna love it »  
« I thought you were exhausted ? » he asked, turning towards him.  
« Bobby helped us a lot… One more car and we’re done for the week, nice and smooth. »  
« Perfect timing. I’ll need your help tomorrow morning »  
« What for ? »  
« The dance classes resume on January and Chad can skip one swimming class. Considering I gotta go to my mother’s next Wednesday, I’d like to do that before »  
Dean’s face went pale and his expression hardened.  
« Oh shit, your mother. I forgot » he said, feeling a bit dismayed.  
« What are we gonna do, Castiel ? » Jewel asked.  
« Surprise... well, I hope everyone’s gonna like it, but … anyway. » he turned around again and supervised his pasta.  
« Jewel, go call your brother. Supper’s ready »  
She ran out without further ado.  
   
« I hate the season’s holidays » Dean grumbled, as he put knives and forks on the table.  
« On the contrary, you should be happy… Perfect opportunity to gather all the family. I’m pretty sure Bobby’s looking forward to it »  
« Knowing Bobby, I’m sure he isn’t » Dean replied with a smile.«... And the family without you just wouldn’t be the same » he went on as he opened the fridge.  
« I’ll only be gone two weeks, Dean »  
« I know, but that’s too long»  
Suddenly his heart ached at the idea Castiel would never come back.  
« Make sure you keep in touch, all right, Cass ? »  
« As I do every year, why do you ask ?» Castiel put a trivet at the center of the table.  
« Nothing… Never mind... It’s just that this period of the year reminds me of bad memories and ... »  
« It’s been almost three years »  
« In February » Dean stated. « Sometimes, I feel like it was yesterday or long ago, as if I had lost track of time » he went one.  
« I know… I feel the same way... But life goes on and Tessa wouldn’t have been happy to see us giving up or you denying the season’s holidays she loved so much »  
« You’re right » he admitted, putting the ketchup bottle on the table. « You’re always right, for that matter» he added in a faint whisper.  
« Do you know what you’re gonna do at your mom’s, besides celebrating Christmas ? »  
« Getting bored shitless, as every year» Castiel started to laugh. « More seriously, it’ll be the occasion to meet my old friends from high school and sleep till all hours» he said, pulling himself together.  
« Lucky dude. This is something I’m not allowed to do, with the kids around »  
At that saying, Chadwick and Jewel rushed in the kitchen.  
« What is this ? » Dean reprimanded.  
« Sit down, kids... » Castiel said as he put the pan on the trivet.  
« Smells good, for sure » Dean said, smelling deeply.  
He served everyone in silence.  
« Pa’ »  
« Yes Chad ? »  
He looked at his son. Chadwick was staring his plate in silence. A very eloquent silence.  
« Ok, kids. Let’s talk straight» he said, looking at Castiel who sat down and opened himself a soft drink can.  
« What happened yesterday… » he took a deep breath « Lisa... Zeke... I know it looks pretty disturbing to you… to us all » he couldn’t resolve to look at Castiel.  
« But here we are, the four of us… together… and nothing else matters, but us. »  
« You and ... » Chadwick looked up at Castiel. « You and Castiel ?»  
« Me and Castiel ?» Dean said, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable.  
« Me and Cass, we’re good... Don’t worry… We’ve been through worse » he added with a sad smile. « We’re a family and nothing, nobody will ever tear us apart »  
Castiel turned towards Dean ; their eyes met before Dean looked down.  
« Enjoy your meal » Castiel said happily.  
The children had fun playing with the cheese strings stretching from their plate to their mouth.  
Dean was playing along, which made Castiel smile.  
   
They spent the rest of the evening watching « Tarzan, the Ape Man » and nobody complained about it.  
Dean and Castiel were sitting next to each other with a bowl of popcorn between them, as an invisible barrier to protect their respective personal space, whether they were aware of it or not.  
Chadwick was leaning on his father’s legs, Jewel on Castiel’s.  
Apache was sprawled out next to the coffee table.  
An ordinary evening for a family that wasn’t so ordinary any longer...  
That night, Dean couldn’t fall asleep.  
That night, Castiel stared at the ceiling of his bedroom for a long while.  
Both haunted by the memory of a kiss that had changed everything between them...

End of chapter


	19. The insuperable excuse

 

When they woke up and went downstairs that morning, breakfast was already on the table but Castiel was nowhere to be found. If he hadn’t left a note on the kitchen table, Dean would have picked up his phone immediately.  
« Don’t wait for me for breakfast. I’ll be back soon. Castiel »  
« Where is he ? » Jewel asked, casually stroking Apache.  
« I guess it has something to do with that surprise he talked about » Dean replied, pouring himself a mug of coffee.  
« I’m not going to the swimming class today ? » Chadwick asked as he sat down.  
« No, big boy. Castiel asked that we wait for him this morning and we’ll grant him this little pleasure, ok ? »  
« I’ll call Ty to tell him I can’t come» the boy said, pouring himself a glass of milk.  
« I’ll do the same with Kevin » Dean added, finally sitting down. « I can hear him complain about it already » he said, rolling his eyes.  
They ate in silence, sharing looks and absent-minded smiles.  
« Are you OK, Pa’ ? » his son eventually asked.  
« Yes, son. I’m good » Dean replied, shuffling through the boy’s hair.

Suddenly, Apache stood up and ran to the living room. Someone was trying to manipulate the door knob in vain.  
« Don’t move » Dean ordered the children, looking worried.  
When he reached the entrance, the door banged open onto a huge Christmas tree  
« But… But what… Holy shit! » Dean exclaimed, his hands on his hips.  
« I could use a little help here, man ! » Castiel said, puffing and panting.  
« Cass, what the hell is this ? » he asked, reaching for the top of the tree that was about 6’5”.  
The children showed up at that precise moment. There was a huge smile on their faces and Dean refrained from complaining any further.  
« A Christmas tree ! » Jewel jumped for joy.  
Castiel finally appeared from behind the tree, all bundled up in his winter jacket, woolly hat squashed down real low.  
He stepped into the house, wearing the tree foot.  
« So? How do you like my surprise? » he asked with a side glance, his cheeks flushed in the effort.  
« This is soooo cool » Jewel shouted.  
« Chad ? »  
« Awesome » the boy replied, with a blissful smile.  
« Where shall we put it ? » Dean finally asked.  
« Over there » Jewel said, totally exited, pointing at the TV corner.  
« OK… Shit, Apache, get the hell out of here »  
The dog was barking and hopping around the two men.  
« Chad, close the door. It’s freezing in here » Dean asked.  
« Don’t… I’m not finished » Castiel immediately said.  
« What ? » Dean stared at him wide-eyed.  
« Chad, give a hand here, I’m gonna fetch the rest in the car»  
He went away and reappeared several minutes later. In the meantime, the tree had been properly installed under the children’s amazed eyes.  
It was the first tree that passed the threshold since they’d moved in.  
Lost in his memories of Tessa and spending the holidays at Bobby’, Dean had never thought that the kids would miss this tradition, they had never spoken about it to their father and the latter had never tried to raise the subject.  
All of a sudden, he looked at the tree and realized he had been selfish, focusing on his own grief only.  
At their very last Christmas together, Tessa was going through the final stage of the sickness and Dean had kept this image only, it seemed he had forgotten all those years together. It had been his wife’s favorite celebration. As well as his kids’.  
He smiled… Castiel...  
« I’d appreciate some help here ? » he was carrying a bag and a box.  
« What is it ? » Jewel asked as she ran to Castiel to help him.  
« A Christmas tree with no decoration isn’t a Christmas tree » he replied with a wink. « I had to deal with what was left in the shop, but that’ll do » he added, dropping the bag on the floor and handing the box to Chadwick.  
He closed the door and took off his coat and hat while the children were admiring the decorations they found in the box.  
« Oh look, Daddy, Santa Claus’s reindeers » Jewel felt giddy with excitement.  
« Have fun, kids… »  
They didn’t look at him, too concentrated on the happy moment...  
The spirit of Christmas was here again and Dean didn’t feel sad, as he usually did.

He walked to Castiel and looked at him as the latter was fighting with his boots full of snow.  
He finally felt Dean’s presence next to him.  
« Thanks » he said, with so much tenderness in his eyes, unable to hide how he was feeling.  
He walked closer and hugged him.  
« Dean !» Castiel dropped his boot, amazed by Dean’s reaction. « I take it that you like my surprise !» he said, patting his back.  
« Just look at them » Dean said, pulling away but keeping an arm around his shoulder.  
« What about you, Dean ? »  
« I’m good » he said, avoiding to look at him. « I’m gonna be good » he added with a smile.  
« C’mon… Let them take care of it » he finally said, heading for the kitchen.  
Castiel observed the kids for a while as they squabbled with each other over the Christmas decorations under the curious eyes of Apache.  
He then joined Dean in the kitchen, in need of something hot to drink.

  
   
www

   
The tree decoration was a bit unorthodox and messy but the children were so happy and proud that they didn’t notice their father’s dubious look.  
At the top of the tree, there was an angel dangerously pitching to the back.  
« Ok, let’s light it and see how your masterpiece looks like » Dean teased them.  
Castiel was sitting on the armrest, holding a mug of hot chocolate, and he couldn’t help but smile at the children’s happy impatience.  
Without a word, they watched the lights go on and off to the rhythm of a piercing Christmas song.  
« It’s the most beautiful tree I’ve ever seen » Jewel claimed, hugging her brother real tight.  
« Yep, but something’s missing » Dean said, with a faded smile. « I’ll be right back » he stepped out of the room and Castiel’s eyes followed him to the kitchen. A door creaking… he had gone down to the cellar.  
« How about building a snowman this afternoon ? » Castiel casually proposed, head down, feeling almost uncomfortable.  
« Do you really wanna build a snowman ? » Chadwick asked, somewhat amused.  
« Do I look that old? » Castiel replied, raising an eyebrow.  
« That’s be awesome » the kid immediately said.  
« Great» Castiel finished his chocolate.  
Dean finally reappeared, holding a small box in his hands ; there was some sadness in his eyes.  
« Something’s missing underneath this tree » he handed the box to this son.  
« What is it ? ».  
« It was your mother’s… I couldn’t…. I couldn’t get rid of it » he rubbed the back of his head.  
Chadwick joined his sister next to the tree, they sat on the floor and opened the box without a word.  
« It’s the crib ! » said the boy in a trembling tone.  
« Oh, it’s so pretty ! » Jewel was in awe and hesitated to touch it.

Tessa had kept it safe for years, this crib had been passed from one generation to the next for almost a century… It represented a little wooden barn with porcelains figurines...  
Tessa was very traditionalist as far as Season’s Holidays were concerned. Dean had a tendency to forget, on purpose, so that he wouldn’t have to remember she was gone, but life had decided to put exceptional people on his path, people who wouldn’t replace the missing ones, but were just filling the empty space.  
He thought of all of them : his children, Uncle Bobby, Jo, Balty, Kevin, Franck, Chuck and even Becky… He smiled for himself.  
He looked at Castiel… There he was… This man who loved him without expectation, this man who had taken such an important place in their lives… in his life.  
The truth was right in front of him.  
He loved this man, in his own way.  
Castiel smiled tenderly as he watched the kids and it suddenly became painful. For him… For them… Unable to love him in the same way, to overcome his apprehension and this physical distance that seemed insuperable.  
That pain down deep inside his soul was burning like hell. He was scared to lose him and it was killing him.  
He loved their peculiar friendship, the strange and ambiguous security. He couldn’t give him more and felt extremely selfish, but that was it.  
Castiel had decided to stay and had tacitly agreed to go on living the way they did, sharing this special bond.  
Each one was the other one’s addiction...

Castiel turned around and their eyes met. A pleasant warmth crawled up his spine. He smiled and thought he had seen Dean blush as he turned to focus on the children again and help them install the crib.  
« Baby Jesus stays in the box.... » he said as he took the figurine from Jewel’s hands.  
« Why ? »  
He softly brushed away the lock of hair on her forehead.  
« Because he isn’t born yet, Pumpkin... We’ll install him in the crib on Christmas’ Eve »  
« But we’ll be at Uncle Bobby’s place ! »  
« Then we’ll install him when we get back »  
« But then Christmas will be over » she started to pout.  
« We’ll leave the crib until Epiphany... You’ll have enough time to place Baby Jesus, ok ? » he gently stroked her cheek.  
« OK » she smiled back.  
« What about getting dressed now, kids » He stood up. « It’s almost eleven and you’re still in your pj’s »  
He watched them go up the stairs and sighed contentedly.  
« I don’t think they will forget this day» he said with a smile.  
« Neither will I » Castiel started to laugh.  
« What a race ! » he stood up from the armchair.  
« Thanks, man… really » he didn’t face him.  
« Rest assured this pleases me as much as it pleases you. You’re the family I never had. They’re the kids I’ve never had. Through you all, I exist»  
« WE exist » Dean corrected, in a low voice.  
Castiel didn’t reply, not knowing how to interpret Dean’s response...

  
   
www  
 

Dean prepared the pancakes and they all gathered around the table for the family lunch.  
He couldn’t deny how much he had missed it lately and even if it still hurt to think about Lisa, he knew their relation was doomed, even if he had wanted to believe it could work. Waking up in the arms of a woman, feeling loved, being able to let go for a while and forget the daily worries… he had to admit it had missed that, the warmth of a body, sharing the things of life… He had felt empty and thought he would fill it in with Lisa. And for a moment, he did...  
But when she told him she loved him, he had looked at her and understood he could never say the words in return. Tessa’s face was haunting him.  
Since she was gone, another pair of blue eyes were mingled with his dreams of the past...  
He flipped the pancakes and sighed. He may as well do as if nothing happened, the fact remained he had kissed his friend and everything had changed between them, even if they were trying – rather clumsily – to avoid the subject.  
He felt the invisible tension in his muscles, the heat on his cheeks when their eyes were meeting. He let out a profound sigh.  
Dammit !!  
« Dean ... are you all right ? » the one on his mind interrupted his reflexion.  
« Don’t worry... Just a little tired… I’m fine »  
« Remember, tonight you’ll be on vacation for two weeks.. You’ll have plenty of time to rest at last » Castiel went on, grabbing the plate filled with pancakes. « C’mon » he winked and gently poked him on the arm.  
While they were drowning the pancakes under a heavy layer of maple syrup, the children talked about the last Christmas they remembered at Bobby’s and recited their wish list.  
« Take it easy, kids, Santa has only one sleigh and that many customers » Dean warned, hearing about their impressive list of presents.  
« What do you want for Christmas, Daddy ? » Jewel asked.  
« Nothing… I’ve already got everything I need » he said, looking at each of them.  
« Daaaad » Jewel insisted, folding her arms and pouting.  
« Honestly, Pumpkin, I don’t need anything » he confirmed, swallowing a big chunk of pancake.  
« What about you, Castiel ? » she turned to him, resting an elbow on the table.  
« Just the same, Sweetie » he replied as he grabbed his coffee mug.  
She let out a long sigh, looking helpless. Castiel couldn’t help but smile. Dean was watching him.  
« New shirts, perhaps ? » he casually proposed.  
« My shirts are perfect and I wouldn’t need new ones if you stopped stealing mine all the time» he said, sinking in his chair and looking at Dean greedily swallowing his pancakes.  
« Don’t you start this again! » Dean was watching him from the corner of his eye.  
« YOU started this ! »  
Chadwick turned to his sister and shared a smile...  
Dean and Castiel ended up in a friendly dispute which made the children laugh.

  
   
www  
 

Dean put on his coat as he watched Castiel fight with Apache who didn’t want to let go of the wooden stick.  
« How do you want me to throw it if you don’t give it back ? » he was ranting against the dog who was biting and pulling hard, shaking Castiel from right to left.  
The children bursted in the kitchen, all dressed up in their winter clothes.  
« C’mon, Daddy » Jewel begged as she was putting on her second glove.  
« Comin’ » he looked at the kids as they drowned in 8 inches of fresh snow, laughing their heart out.  
The dog let go of the stick and joined them, barking, leaving Castiel in a daze in the middle of the garden.  
Of course, nothing happened as planned... They had barely finished to build the snowman that Apache jumped on it and start to scrape energetically.  
« Keep the dog away ! » Castiel shouted, trying to push him. « NO!!» he pointed his finger at the animal who sit, looking miserable.  
« Don’t » he started to collect the snow. Chadwick helped.  
Jewel helped Dean prepare a big ball that would become the snowman’s head.  
Apache trotted away, with the stick in his mouth and started to gnaw it, still observing them all.  
They soon had finished the chest, only the head was missing.  
« Let’s put a stake inside, to reinforce it all » Dean proposed, looking around in the garden. He walked to the far end and broke a branch from the outreaching neighbor’s cherry tree.  
« Dean ! » Castiel called in a low voice, waving at him.  
« So what ? It’s growing over OUR garden, so technically I have the right to do what I want with it» he said as a justifying excuse.  
He planted it in the chest in one steady movement.  
« Tadaaa » he was all smiles.  
The ball split in two and fell on the ground under the dazed expression of the children and Castiel.  
« Tadaaa !» said Castiel, pointing at the mess and folding his arms on his chest.  
Dean grumbled and started to rebuild the whole thing.  
« Now the head » he winked at Castiel.  
Less than two minutes later, the snowman was completed, reaching a good 5’5”.  
« Now we need a hat, a scarf and a broom » Castiel said, a childlike expression on his face.  
« What about adapting a little? » Dean proposed.  
« What do you mean ? » Castiel’s voice was a little sad.  
« Don’t look that depressed… Wait till you get to see what I have in mind » he patted his arm. « I’ll be right back. In the meantime… » he searched in his pocket and handed a little plastic box to Chadwick. « Give the guy eyes and a nose » he went back to the house before they could utter another word.  
« Why does he always have to have it his way ? » Castiel mumbled.  
Dean returned a few minutes later holding his Stetson and his bandana as well as something that looked like… a banana.  
« Dean ? » Castiel was staring at the piece of fruit.  
« I haven’t found a gun under my pillow so, desperate times desperate measures » he was smiling his heart out.  
He carefully stepped next to the snowman, put on the hat, adjusting the strap at the front. He had to push the bandana in the man, as it was too short to go around. He planted the banana at the basis of the trunk, leaving out nothing but the rounded tip.  
He stepped back and admired his work under the incredulous eyes of his children and Castiel.  
« So ? » he pushed his cap , his lips stretched in a childish smile.  
« I love it» Chadwick claimed.  
« He looks funny » his sister said as she rubbed her hands against each other to warm them up.  
« Cass ? » Dean asked still staring at his snow-Cowboy.  
« Your hat ? »  
« So what?... It should resist during a few days of snow, it cost me enough for that » he raised an eyebrow.  
« So ? » he turned to Castiel  
« Pretty nice, I like it » Castiel confirmed.  
« It misses a nose » Jewel noticed.  
« Oh shit !» Her father looked around, smiled and grabbed the cherry tree branch at his feet ; he broke it in two and planted one half in the snow face.  
« There you go » He claimed. « Now… » A wicked smiled stretched his lips « That being done,... » he bent to pick up a handful of snow.  
« What now ? » Castiel started to look away from the snow man.  
« We should get to serious business » Dean launched the snow ball at Castiel.  
« Dammit Dean !» Castiel shouted, brushing the snow off his face.  
« You’ll pay for this » Dean was already preparing another ball.

He turned to swing the second one but Chadwick launched his first, hitting him at the neck.  
« Oh fuck » Dean yelled in turn, laughing and fighting with his scarf.  
He had barely brushed the snow away when a second ball hit his mouth.  
Jewel laughed and ran away.  
« Just you wait, big girl » Dean started to chase her.  
« Castiel!... Castiel!... Help me! »  
That’s when Apache decided to join the party.  
He ran like hell in front of Dean who lost his balance and fell face down in the snow.  
Castiel hit his knees in a fit of laughter, unable to raise when he saw Dean’s discomfited white face covered in white.  
« Bloody dog !... I’m gonna kill him » he said, raising on his knees, spitting the snow that had filled his mouth.  
Jewel couldn’t take it anymore.  
Apache took refuge behind Chadwick who was laughing his heart out.  
« YOU ! » he said pointing at Castiel who suddenly stopped laughing.  
« What? I didn’t do anything... » he complained, pointing at the dog.  
« Come here » he ordered to the animal.  
« Dean » He now looked a bit falsely panicked.  
« Go for it, Dad! » Jewel encouraged her father when he started to chase Castiel around.  
« I swear I didn’t do anything » the latter was laughing, trying to zigzag to avoid Dean’s reach.  
« I’ll show you what it costs to mock me »  
« Piss off ! » Castiel screamed. He slipped, got up at once and barely avoided Dean reaching for his coat.  
He took refuge behind Jewel… She was screaming happily.  
« You should be ashamed of yourself… using children as human shields » he was showing a threatening finger.  
« I’m just making the best of things » he replied, pushing Jewel towards her father who slipped as he tried to catch her and ended up face down again. This time they were all alerted by the different sound they heard and stopped laughing.  
« Dean ? » Castiel rushed to him and started to panic for good.  
« Stay back, Sweetie. » he gently pushed Jewel away and she turned a worried face towards her brother.  
« Dean... shit… answer me » he called as he cautiously turned Dean’s body on his back.  
« SURPRISE ! » Dean grabbed Castiel by the collar and dragged him to the ground on his right. Castiel lost his balance and fell on his knees, ended on his wrists and finally fell face down too.  
Dean jumped on his feet.  
« Tadaaaaaaa » he exhibited the wood stick that had broken during his fall.  
But he lost his victorious smile when he saw the worried look on his little girl’s face and the accusing expression on Chadwick’s.  
« It wasn’t funny » Castiel shouted...  
Dean stared at him for a while and his lips began to tremble...  
« Cass...You should have seen your face, man »  
His hat was straight as an arrow, his nose was covered with snow, his face was now in a shade between powdery snow and frozen red. He was spitting snow as he tried to talk, trying to brush away the snow with his glove and only managing to spread more in the process. Dean couldn’t take it anymore.  
« Man, you should see your face » he said again.  
Jewel started to laugh again, as well as Chadwick.  
« Don’t you laugh at me » he cursed as he slipped on his hands, trying to stand up. He heard the children laughters and he heard Dean’s sweet laugh.  
« C’mon » Dean extended a helping hand.  
He pulled him towards him, Castiel has made the effort to stand up at the same time and all of a sudden, he ended up against Dean’s chest.  
It was an embarrassing and weird moment. If he had had the choice, Dean wouldn’t have let go, he enjoyed Castiel’s confused breathing in his neck.  
« Cass » he whispered as he gently pushed him away, trying to avoid eye contact.  
« What about going back in, kids ? We could all have a nice hot chocolate, right ? » his voice lacked sincerity yet he tried to breathe away the embarrassment he had just sensed.  
« Yeaaaaaaah ! » Jewel was already running back to the house.  
« Don’t make a mess in the kitchen and clean the dog’s paws before you let him in! »  
« Yes, Pa’ » Chadwick said from a distance.  
Dean stood there, with his back to Castiel who hadn’t said a word.  
« C’mon… Let’s get inside… or we’re gonna catch some nasty cold » he said, heading to the house without a look at the man behind him.  
Castiel remained alone in the middle of the garden and turned to the snowman that seemed to smile at him with all its button teeth.  
« You’re so lucky, your heart is made of ice » he said in a sad and distant tone.  
« Are you coming, Cass ? » Jewel called from the doorstep.  
« I’m coming, Sweetie » He headed to the house with a big sigh.  
   
They drank their chocolate in silence and then the children finally spoke of a million things, about the tree, the snowman, the battle in the garden… They even laughed about the bad joke their father had played on Castiel.  
« Admit it, you fell for it» Dean boasted.  
« It wasn’t amusing » Castiel mumbled.  
« Of course it was ! » Dean was grinning.  
« No » Castiel snapped back  
« Oh yes it was » Dean insisted.  
They went on pickering just like they had before at lunch… None would deny it, it was the only way for them to avoid talking about the physical tension that was slowly growing between them...  
Dean was aware it had been there before but since that special night, it had become more tangible and he felt unable to face it.  
When he was looking at Castiel, he was seeing more than a friend, more than a family member, he saw the man… all he could see was the man… and it seemed like an insuperable obstacle.  
Or just an insuperable excuse...  
   
Dean went to his garage as he wanted to finalize all his pending tasks that same night. He had talked to Kevin ; the last car would be released in an hour...  
Two more had come in. Their owners would pick them up at the reopening....  
He stopped along the way to buy some champagne and Santas' boxes filled with sweets. He offered them to Kevin and Franck who had offered him the Indiana Jones collector box...  
They all left around 6 p.m. after exchanging wishes and hugs.  
The rolling shutter would be closed for the next two weeks...  
And the only thing Dean thought at that precise moment was :  
«Two weeks without him »

  
   
www

   
Castiel worked late until Tuesday evening as he was leaving the next morning very early. Bobby was expecting Dean and the kids on the following week-end. That meant for two days, he’d be away from home… Dean let out a long sigh as he was stirring the spaghetti sauce…  
He convinced himself that these two weeks of holidays would do them good. What happened during the last few months had shaken their little ordinary family : perhaps taking a break from each other would allow them to put things in perspective, right back where they belonged.  
He started to laugh in silence, wondering who he was trying to convince with all that crap.  
Kissing Castiel had opened the Pandora box which he had tried to keep shut tight for several months after Castiel had been assaulted.  
« Hi »  
« Speak of the devil » Dean whispered with a smile.  
« What’s that you’re saying ? »  
« Nothing… I was thinking aloud »  
« It’s become a habit » Castiel smiled.  
Dean turned around and again, he felt that uneasy feeling, because, dammit, that man was…  
He was standing at the table, stealing grated cheese… Black t-shirt, stone-washed jeans, blue checked shirt unbuttoned, leather boots…  
Hair as messy as usual, amused blue eyes and this eternal gentle smile on his lips.  
All in all, maybe two weeks wouldn’t do it after all.  
« Are you all right ? » he asked, looking up at him and licking his fingers.  
« Yeah… yeah, I’m good... I was kinda distracted » he said, caught in the middle of his reflexions.  
He went back to his cooking and tasted the pasta.  
« Would you call the kids, dinner’s ready »  
« Good timing, I’m starving »  
Dean held back a sad smile. As he poured the pasta in a colander, he peeked at the snowman that seemed to taunt him.  
« Go ahead and mock me, he who laughs last laughs best when Spring comes »

  
   
www  
 

Jewel felt like crying, as every year since she was of age to understand Castiel wouldn’t be spending the holidays with them.  
Chadwick wasn’t feeling that happy either ; yet he looked more like his father, not ready to show his feelings even if he had demonstrated more affection to Castiel lately. He was simply afraid to lose the man.  
Dean remained stoical : however everything in his body attitude was a clear indication he didn’t enjoy it any more than the children, keeping his hands in his jeans pockets, not knowing what to do with them.  
They had helped Castiel load his luggage in the car and now they were looking at him, putting on his winter coat in a deadly silence. He spoke first.

« Here… Don’t open them before midnight» he said, raising an eyebrow.  
Chadwick moved forward and took the big plastic bag which Castiel presented.  
« This is for you » he said in a broken voice, giving a smaller parcel to Jewel.  
« This is from Chadwick and me… Well, more from Chadwick, because I don’t have enough money, so I made you a drawing»  
« Thank you, my angels » He gently stroke Jewel’s cheek with a side glance to Chadwick.  
« Here » Dean interrupted, in a hoarse tone.  
He gave him a small box he had kept in the living room.  
« It’s just a little something… but I wanted you to have it » he added, looking down...  
« Thank you, Dean » Castiel put the box in the bag the children had given him.  
« Well, I’d better leave now if I wanna get at my mother’s before dawn » he seemed unable to walk away.  
« Please call us everyday, ok ? » Jewel begged, with tears in her eyes.  
« C’mon Sweetie, don’t cry now... it’s only two weeks. You’re gonna have so much fun at Bobby’s. Besides you need to take care of Tessa now, huh ?» he kneeled down in front of her and gave her a big smile.  
« Yes » she nodded  
« Give me a hug and your most beautiful smile » Castiel couldn’t help but smile, looking at the empty space the lost tooth had left the day before.  
« See you real soon » he raised up.  
« Chad » he turned to the boy and they smiled to each other after a brief hug.  
« We’re gonna miss you »  
« I’m gonna miss you too, but then, we’ll be together for the whole year, ok ? You’ll only be too happy to get rid of me for a little while» he said, laughing and shuffling through his hair.  
« No way » Chadwick answered, looking deep into his eyes.  
« See you soon, big boy » he briefly squeezed his shoulder.  
He then turned to the dog  
« Be good, behave just as I’ve taught you » he stroked the animal.  
Dean stepped forward.  
« Be careful on the road and call us when you get there»  
« Promise » he said, putting his hat on.  
« Bye Cass » Dean’s voice was almost gone  
« Have fun and don’t give Bobby a hard time. Say hello to everyone from me » he walked away.

Dean felt stupid. He could at least tell him those words. He used to say it every year, so why would it be any different this year? He bit his lip.  
« Cass » he called right when Castiel was about to walk out.  
« Yes Dean ? »  
« I… I’m gonna miss you» he said, finally able to look him in the face.  
« So am I » Castiel smiled and closed the door on the big emptiness he left behind.  
« I don’t like it when he’s gone » Jewel whined.  
« Nobody likes it, Jewel, but he’s got to visit his mom » her brother said, putting an arm around her shoulders.  
« C’mon… you need to finish your letter to Santa »  
« Is it true, what Castiel said ? »  
« What are you talking about ? »  
« He said that Santa brought him the presents last night »  
« Sure it’s true… Look, he’s brought his too » he started to climb the stairs. His father was looking at his son with fond eyes.  
« But you bought it ! »  
« I did. But Santa is gonna reimburse me when he comes to Bobby’s » he replied very seriously, glancing at his father.  
« Yeah, sure ! » Dean replied at once.  
« You’re making fun of me, huh ? » his sister pouted.  
« No, I swear, Jewel »  
She started to rush in the stairs, with her brother on her tail, puffing and panting at the chore awaiting.

Dean stood in the middle of the living room, staring at the door… He rubbed his eyes in a quick motion....  
« Dammit, Cass » . There were tears in his eyes.

 

End of chapter


	20. When absence weighs a lot

 

The door opened wide on a smiling Bobby : he pushed his cap back and kissed Jewel who was stretching her arms to him.  
« Hello Sweetie » he said while glancing at Dear as the latter got the suitcases out of the trunk.  
« Did you have a nice ride ? » he asked, stretching up, patting Chadwick’s shoulder as he walked down the stairs to help their father.  
« Given their state, you could say that » Dean replied, putting one of the three suitcases on the ground.  
« Hi Son »  
« Uncle Bobby » they shared a brief embrace.  
« Could you help me with these and then I’d love a cup of coffee » Dean said with a smile.  
«Coffee’s waiting for you inside » Bobby replied, grabbing the largest luggage. « Jo has arrived before you, she’s so eager to see you guys »  
« So am I » Dean shut the trunk. « C’mon, boy » he whistled Apache that had relieved himself against a tree.  
They left their luggage in the lobby. Dean started to take his jacket off when he saw Jo walking to him.  
« Deannnnnn » she rushed and put her arms around his neck.  
« Hi Sis’... How have you been ? »  
« Good. What about you ? » she asked, looking a bit worried.  
« I’m OK. Quite busy taking care of these three » he pointed at the kids and the dog in awe in front of the tree.  
« You’ve put on the big spread again, huh ? » Dean said hanging his jacket and glancing at Bobby.  
« It’s Christmas, Dean » the old man replied, tapping him on the shoulder.  
« Are you in for that coffee or not ? »  
« More than ever ».  
« Dad... Dad... I’ve forgotten Castiel’s bag in the car » Jewel shouted after she had observed the gifts under the tree.  
« I left the car unlocked »  
« Did you see that ? Santa has already come here too ! » she said with a suspicious look.  
« I’ve already explained it, Pumpkin. Santa can’t be everywhere at once in just one night. Even if the elves are helping... »  
« Yeah… sure » she crossed her arms on her chest.  
« Chad, could you help your sister and take the other bag while you’re at it ? » he said, winking at his son.  
« OK » the boy sighed.  
« And please take off your coats when you come back. You’ll have plenty of time to admire the decorations afterwards…» he disappeared in the kitchen.  
« Are you coming with us, Jo ? » Jewel asked.  
« Sure » the woman yielded to the pleading of the little girl who took her hand and dragged her along.  
   
« So, tell me. » Bobby started, taking two cups in the cupboard.  
« Tell you what ? » Dean replied, glancing at Jack, that was sleeping under the table and hadn’t moved an inch to greet them.  
« Dean... Don’t take me for a dumbass… I’m talking about Lisa »  
« Told you, Bobby. It’s an old story now »  
« One week and you call this an old story ? » the old man grumbled as he filled in the cups.  
Dean was leaning against the counter, looking down.  
« I didn’t think about it a lot and besides, I’ve got other issues to take care of » he mumbled  
« Other issues ? » Bobby now looked worried and sat down.  
« Forget it… It’s something I gotta deal with on my own»  
« Is it about the job ? »  
« No... Can we change the subject, please? » he drank his coffee as he kept staring at Jack.  
« What’s the matter, Son. You know you can tell me... »  
« Yeah, I know Bobby, but this time,… It’s OK. I'll be fine. These two weeks are going to be just fine »  
« Dean... » Bobby insisted.  
« I told you, I don’t wanna talk about it » Dean looked daggers at his uncle.  
« As you wish » Bobby raised his hands in a surrender mimic...  
« Yet, if you need to talk, I’m here, all right ?»  
« I know, Bobby. Thanks » his voice was more gentle now and he took another sip of his coffee.  
« What about you. I can see you did some shopping » he motioned the living room.  
« You’re all I’ve got left in this world. Let me enjoy this last pleasure, will ya ?»  
« You’re right, the family has reduced quite a bit… Besides, Cass now being…. » He took another sip of his coffee to push down the lump in his throat.  
« By the way, how is he doing ? »  
« He’s at his mother’s and probably getting bored to death » he said with a smile.  
« She’s making his life a living hell, but… he confessed that it’s only two weeks every year and that he can make an effort » he finished his coffee.  
« It looks like he completely recovered from… well, the … » Bobby turned his cups several time in his hands.  
« Yes… he’s tough… It’s Cass » Dean answered, his voice filled with a bit of tenderness and pride.  
« Why didn’t you tell me about this Zeke when I came at the garage ? » he slumped back in his chair.  
« Zeke ? »  
« Yes Zeke, who’s playing innocent now ?... Jo told me a little about it... You apparently told her during your last phone call» Bobby obviously felt hurt to have been kept out of it.  
« I didn’t tell you anything because there was no reason for me to tell you »  
« On the contrary, Castiel is opening up to someone else than Balty, that’s some news » he replied with a grimace.  
« Zeke’s a jerk and Castiel is better off without him » he turned around and rinsed his cup to hide his anger and frustration...  
He was angry at himself for feeling a bit of jealousy that wasn’t justified anymore... He had come here to focus on something else and not keep turning over what had been eating him since that last bloody Thursday.  
« Dean... Are you sure you’re all right, Son ? »  
« I’m sorry, Bobby.... I’m exhausted, I’d had one hell of a week and this story with Lisa and all the rest… It’s all getting on my nerves »  
« I want you to go and sit down in the armchair and don’t you move an inch until I call you for supper. Got that? »  
« Bobby » Dean sighed.  
« Get the hell out of here... C’mon, move it, we’ll talk about it tomorrow »  
« Talk about what ? »  
« You tell me, Son » Bobby looked him in the face.  
« I don’t wanna talk about it with you or anyone else, Bobby and don’t try to force me… You won’t succeed… It’s something I gotta solve by myself, I told you already » Dean’s voice was a bit exasperated.  
« I thought you had finally understood after all these years of turmoil that you can’t go on alone »  
« In this case, Bobby, I must » he raised his eyebrows and let out a long heartbroken sigh.  
« Believe me, I’d had preferred to avoid this but… my life is complicated enough » he turned the cup in his hands, looking at the bottom of it… lost in his thoughts.  
« Trust me » he finally said as he put down the cup and walked out of the kitchen under his uncle’s worried gaze.

  
   
www  
 

The late afternoon was pretty quiet… The kids were watching a Xmas movie, almost glued to the TV screen.  
Jo and Dean were chatting about this and that, sitting next to each other on the couch facing the fireplace.  
« What about that Vince, Vin or WhatsHisName ? » Dean finally asked.  
« Vin... He’s just great...You’re gonna love him » she said, pulling a leg and sitting on her heel, facing him.  
« He’s an artist » there was something glowing in her eyes  
« Well well well… and what art is he good at... Porn star? »  
« Dean ! » she hit his arm with her fist.  
« What ? Every trade has its value » he said with a smile and rubbing his arm where Jo had hit him.  
« He’s a painter »  
« A painter ? » he made a face. « Don’t tell me he paints this modern stuff with multicolor spots » he suddenly recalled the modern art exhibition they had visited. Thanks Balty!  
« Wait » she stood up and disappeared in the corridor.  
« Look » She was standing there, holding a painting upside down.  
« I can’t see what it is » Dean said, slumping back in the couch, one hand on the head rest and the other on the armrest.  
She turned it in the right direction. Dean forze, open-mouthed.  
« Holy shit! It’s awesome ! » He exclaimed, leaning down to have a closer look at the masterpiece.  
« Isn’t he gifted ? » She was all smiles and sat back, holding the painting in front of her. « It feels like the man is about to walk out of the frame »  
Dean stared wide-eyed, in awe.  
« It looks like a picture. Quite impressive »  
« He’s just starting to be recognized… He says it’s thanks to me… I’m his Muse»  
« His Muse, huh ? How long have you known the man ?» he raised an eyebrow, quite perplexed.  
« Yesterday was our one-month anniversary... He offered me this painting for the occasion.  
« Your anniversary... One month ! »  
« Don’t be such a party pooper, ok ? » Jo slumped back in the couch and looked daggers at him.  
« Don’t you remember you offered a golden ring to Tessa two weeks after you guys met ? »  
« Touché » Dean smiled and sat closer, holding her in his arms.  
«Are you happy ? »  
« Yes, I am » She was looking at him in the eyes.  
« Then it’s all that counts... You’re a big girl now, right?»  
« Thanks » she planted a kiss on his cheek.  
She put the painting away in a safe place and snuggled up against Dean, legs up on the couch, her head resting on his chest  
« What about you, Dean? How have you been ? »  
« I’m good, Sis’ »  
« For real ? » she said, looking up at him.  
« Don’t worry about me...»  
« I have the right to worry about you… You’re my little brother» she said, granting him another kiss  
« Stop it. You know I’m not fond of this » he pushed her away, looking a bit disgusted.  
He absent-mindedly looked at his kids and a discreet smile stretched his lips.  
« You look sad, Dean »  
« Really ? » he tried to sound good-humored.  
« Oh please, don’t you play that kinda game with me. I’ve known you for too long. What’s the matter ? »  
« You know, the garage, the kids, Lisa. Do I need to go on? » he recited with a wink.  
She kissed him again and laughed.  
« Stop this ! » he pushed her away again.  
« Confess your crime, pirate » she threatened him with a new kiss, lowering her voice.  
« Never ! I’d rather walk the plank » Dean mimicked a desperate attitude.  
The kids turned around and watched their father chasing their aunt.  
He started to tickle her and suddenly their eyes met. His smile vanished at once.  
« I’m good… Don’t worry » he said with a kiss on her forehead.  
Dean’s mobile started to vibrate in his pocket. Jo saw the sparkle in his eyes. She felt the movements in his body become feverish.  
« Hi Cass » he stood up, his eyes were shining.  
The kids stared at their father. Jo noted that Dean turned his back to her, he obviously wanted to hide the expression on his face, the emotions she would have seen, the same that the ones he had when the phone started to ring.  
« So what’s up ? »  
She could hear the low tone of Castiel’s voice even though she couldn’t make up the words....  
« No kidding » Dean went on with a happy voice.  
« Old buddy. You should be aware that it’s just the beginning » he said, walking around.  
« No, great. We’re settled. No, they had spread salt on most of the roads... »  
There was a long monologue from Dean, punctuated with little laughters and not these usual « oh shit » or « dammit »...  
« Er… I don’t know… BOBBY ! »  
« YEAH? » the voice shouted from the kitchen.  
« Cass was just wondering whether you know how to… » he bursted out laughing  
« OK… don’t get mad… I was just joking, Cass » his voice suddenly became softer. That’s when his eyes met Jo’s.  
« Do you wanna talk to the kids ? Yeah, you too… Good night » he smiled.« I wouldn’t dare… OK, bye… I put you through to Jewel » the impatient little girl was pulling his pants leg.  
« Yes, just a moment, Pumpkin... Let me at least say goodbye » he handed the phone  
« Castiel ? » she ran to her brother with the phone in her hand.  
« What ? » Dean asked his sister, sitting there with her legs folded up against her chest, her chin resting on her knees.  
« Nothin’ » she said with a fond expression in her eyes.  
« Would you tell me what this « nothin’ » is all about ? » he folded his arms.  
« I love to see you happy, that’s all....Is that a crime ? »  
« Asshole » he sat back next to her.  
« Same to you » but her tone was a lot more serious.  
   
« Dinner is served » Bobby claimed, sticking his head out of the kitchen door  
« Kids, say goodbye to Cass.... Dinner’s ready»  
« Dammit, Jewel » the boy cursed, snatching the phone from his sister’s hands.  
« Dad » the girl started to whine.  
« You’ll talk to him tomorrow » Chadwick said in an angry voice.  
« But I didn’t have the chance to say bye »  
« You’ll say goodbye next time... C’mon now… meal’s ready » Dean ordered, gently pushing her towards the kitchen.  
« Chad ? »  
« Coming, Pa’... I’ll speak with you more tomorrow. I gotta go, dinner’s ready » He smiled  
« I will, promise… Bye »  
He handed the phone to his father.  
« It’s always the same… Tomorrow, I get to speak with him first… Jewel always chats for hours » he pouted as he joined the others in the kitchen.  
« Not true » his sister moaned.  
« Oh yes it is! »  
« Now that’s enough » Dean suddenly said in a heavy voice.  
« What’s the matter ? » Bobby inquired as he put the roast at the center of the table.  
« This young lady monopolized the discussion with Castiel and her brother isn’t happy about it »  
« If only you could show that much enthusiasm when I’m the one calling! » the old man sighed.  
« You never call, Bobby » Dean snapped back with an innocent look on his face.  
« So what ? » the old man replied, moaning.  
   
The kids talked during the meal, about this and that in a relaxed atmosphere. Bobby seemed to be genuinely fascinated by everything they said meanwhile Dean was observing them with a protective paternal look, then all of a sudden, his expression changed.  
« JO »  
« What ? He’s hungry»  
« He’ll get an attack of hives if you go on feeding him under the table ».  
He leaned under.  
« Apache... get out of there ! »  
The dog left, licking his chops.  
« If you get sick, my friend, don’t come to me… Auntie Jo will be more than happy to get you to the first available vet in the area »  
Jo made a face, silently mimicking her brother.  
Bobby raised his eyes to heaven… Nothing had changed over the years...  
   
For the first time since that particular Thursday, Dean dreamed of the kiss between him and Castiel, but, unlike what had actually happened, what he dreamed of wasn’t chaste at all anymore.  
He woke up with a start and felt a tension in his crotch.  
« Dammit ! I don’t believe this » he put his forearm on his eyes and let out a long sigh out of spite. He couldn’t get back to sleep after that.

  
   
www  
 

He got up early the next morning… When he pulled the curtains, he saw Bobby heading to the henhouse… He stretched and shivered, as he was wearing nothing but boxer shorts and a t-shirt.  
He rubbed his face with energy and swiftly put on his jeans and sweater.  
Barefoot, haggard face on account of a short night, all he was dreaming of was a mug of coffee.  
He was surprised to find Jo already up. She was sitting on a chair with a leg folded under her, looking at nothing over her coffee cup.  
« You fell out of bed or what ? » he said, planting a kiss on her forehead.  
« Nah… I was freezing my butt. Bobby refuses to put the heating on in the bedrooms » she was hugging herself real tight in an attempt to hold the heat within.  
« I do the same, you know. It’s not healthy to heat the bedrooms, didn’t you know that? »  
« You’re so old-fashioned sometimes » she let out a long sigh and yawned.  
« I can’t get warm, freezing to the bones » she added, shaking her shoulders.  
« Did you have breakfast ? »  
« Not yet »  
« Do you want me to prepare some scrambled eggs for you ? » he asked with a wink.  
«You’d do that for your little sister ? » Suddenly, there was a big smile on her face.  
« You know I’d do anything for you… Let me have a coffee and I’ll start cooking » he replied as he sat down.  
During all the years Jo had spent with her brother after Mary’s death, he had adopted a ritual : alternate French toast and scrambled eggs for breakfast, more for the sake of saving money than accommodate taste. The toasts were made of old bread and the eggs were given by Bobby twice a week together with a few bottles of milk.  
For Jo, Dean’s offer to make scrambled eggs sounded like a reminder of old times, when he was taking care of her although they weren’t really related.  
But, as Bobby used to say, family didn’t end with blood… All things considered, he was right, because he was as distant a relative to Dean as she was : not to mention Castiel and Balty, who were completely integrated in the family even though they weren’t sharing any bond except a precious and genuine friendship.  
She looked at her brother drinking his coffee. She was dying to tell him about her feelings but she knew him too well and felt he would surely close the subject before the conversation had a chance to develop.  
She decided to be patient because she also knew one thing for sure : her brother would eventually open up to her.  
He did it with very few people : she was on the confidents list, just as Bobby and Castiel were...  
Somehow, she felt he would talk to her first, when the time had come...  
As she saw him staring at his coffee, lost in his thoughts, she smiled, thinking that she wouldn’t have to wait for too long anymore.  
   
Dean drank the rest of his cup and stood up, letting out a long sigh...  
« 2 or 3 ? »  
« 3 and ketchup» with a smile.  
« Sacrilege » she said as she opened the refrigerator door.  
« Would you please set the table while I start cooking ? » he grabbed the eggs, the butter and the cheese.  
« Just ketchup for me, no cheese » she said.  
« Your wish is my command, M’am ! » he replied as he displayed the ingredients on the counter.  
Nothing disturbed the silence but the noise of the cutlery, the pans and the plates as Dean started to cook.  
For a long while, he looked somehow absent-minded yet Jo refrained from talking.  
He took the ketchup bottle and poured some on Jo’s eggs and filled her plate.  
« It’s been so long » she smelled her eggs.  
« Jo... It’s just eggs, pepper, salt and ketchup... Nothing complicated »  
« I know, but they taste different when you make them »  
« Nonsense » he replied, raising his eyes and preparing his own plate.  
Her head resting on her hand, she was pecking in her plate.  
Dean filled his own plate with the eggs and cheese, poured another cup of coffee and sat down in front of Jo.  
« I thought you were dreaming of these ? » he said as he saw she was barely eating.  
« Dean ? »  
« Yeah ? »  
« When did you become aware you were in love with Tessa? » she asked, looking down at her plate.  
« Why do you ask? » There was some surprise on Dean’s face as he chewed the first bite.  
« Just answer the question »  
He swallowed and put down his fork.  
« The very moment I saw her… Can’t explain… There are magical moments in a life when it just pops before your eyes »  
« Dean? »  
« What ? » he felt a bit annoyed and put down the fork he has just picked up again.  
« I think I felt the same way about Vin»  
« Oh did you ? » he replied, raising an eyebrow.  
« Actually, I’m sure of it » she looked him in the eyes. Her eyes were sparkling.  
« So what ? » he leaned back in his chair.  
« My little Jo is in love. Who would’ve thought ? Well well, this year is full of surprises for love hunters »  
« Pardon ? » she stared wide-eyed.  
« It’s not like it’s your first trial right ? » he was obviously teasing her.  
« It was difficult to find the right match, that’s all » she said, a bit pouty.  
« You and Balty are just the same... » he added as he picked up his fork again.  
« What ? Balty too ? Are you kidding ? »  
« I’m not » he filled his mouth.  
« Is it a woman or a man ? »  
« A man, a real deal for sure »  
« What do you mean? » she was intrigued  
« A Cow boy »  
« Nooo » she started to laugh.  
« Believe me »  
« What about Cass ? How did he take it ? Because, for all I know, Balty and him have been living together for about 8 years»  
« Together,… well sort of » Dean scowled. « Castiel seems to be happy for him and Balty remains a member of our big family, that doesn’t change anything»  
« Oh hell, I can’t believe it!...Balty » she looked amazed.  
« I’m pretty sure he’ll be amazed too when I tell him you’ve found your Prince Charming »  
« Have you seen him? »  
« Who ? »  
« Oh Dean, don’t pretend you don’t understand. Balty’s new boyfriend »  
« No, I just saw some bad picture at the Ranch»  
« And ? »  
« Shit, can’t you let me eat in peace ? »  
« C’mon, spill the beans ! »  
« According to my male criteria, I’d say he’s rather handsome »  
« That means he’s stunning »  
« What ? »  
« Men have a tendency to denigrate beauty in other males. It’s just a selfish caveman reflex»  
« I’ll tell you what the caveman thinks ! »  
« That he loves me ? » she was all smiles  
« So… When are you going to introduce me to the love of your life ? »  
She blushed  
« He should come over tomorrow, late morning or early afternoon »  
« I don’t believe this. Look at you, just like a teenager » he stared at her with tenderness.  
« I feel like a teenager »  
« A thirty-year-old teenager, for that matter » he finished his plate.  
« Jerk ! » she had lost her appetite.  
« You seemed so eager to taste my scrambled eggs and now you’re barely touched them »  
« I’m not hungry… I...»  
« Don’t tell me you’ll survive on love alone, ok ? » he interrupted her.  
Silence filled the room again...  
« Dean? »  
« Mmm ? » he drank his coffee.  
« About yesterday »  
« What about yesterday ? »  
« When Castiel called »  
« So what about it? » he frowned.  
« What’s happening between the two of you ? »  
He stared at her, a bit suspicious  
« What are you getting at? »  
« Dean... Promise you won’t get mad »  
« Jo » the look in his eyes was like a silent warning, he crossed his arms on his chest, which was a bad sign, switching to defensive mode.  
« Would you happen to be... » she looked down  
« Jo...Get to the bottom of it» his voice was very low, hiding a growing anger.  
« Forget it. I don’t wanna argue with you. We’re having such a good time… Let’s not spoil it »  
« Jo, please » Dean asked in a sharp tone.  
« Why do you insist ? » she was almost begging.  
« You started it, remember ?... So, spit it out ! »  
« Don’t bother » she stood up. « Thanks for the eggs... »  
« Jo » he tried to call her as she was leaving the kitchen. His voice almost sounded like a cry for help. She stopped but didn’t come back. She knew that Dean wouldn’t talk to her face to face.  
« I... » He leaned on the table and put his hands on his face. « I… I kissed him »  
« What ? Who ? Castiel ? »  
« I… I don’t know what got into me… He said that he was gonna leave, that he needed some space and I panicked and … » He sighed. « Dammit, Jo. I kissed Cass... I’m such a jerk »  
« Did you kiss him ? » she felt a bit surprised by her brother’s revelation.  
« It wasn’t a real kiss… More like a spontaneous gesture… I just ... »  
« Dean... A kiss is a kiss »  
There was a brief silence, then she spoke again  
« You were the one moving towards him, right ? » she walked to him as he hadn’t moved an inch.  
« Yes » he admitted with a bit of resentment. « I screwed up, Jo »  
« How did he react ? »  
He leaned back on his chair.  
« We didn’t really talk about it... »  
« He said that he… that he loved me... I was blown away »  
« I suspected it, somehow… But it’s so difficult to know what’s brewing between you two. Your friendship is so special» She sat in front of Dean.  
She didn’t say another word, waiting for Dean to willingly open up to her.  
« I told him I couldn’t love him in return. That this kiss was a mistake. He didn’t say anything. Only that he would never leave us. That he couldn’t live without us, without me »  
« Nor you without him» Jo added  
« True» he said after a moment of hesitation. « All this is scaring me »  
« What are you afraid of ? Not being able to live without him? » she leaned forward, trying to make him look at her.  
« I’m being selfish, I know. But when he’s gone, even for a day, I feel like…» he couldn’t say the rest  
« You’re lost? »  
« What a mess ! » he stroked his hair.  
« Dean? »  
« Hm… » He looked at his hands resting on his knees.  
« Are you… » she didn’t say it all, feeling embarrassed.  
« You wanna know whether I’m in love with him, is that it? »  
« Are you ? »  
He seemed to be looking for an answer for a long while.  
« If you had asked me that a week ago, I would have laughed at you or I would have smashed your face, your choice… » he laughed but his expression was nothing but happy « ...But now... » .  
He looked up at the ceiling.  
« I wish I could go back in time and erase that damn kiss. Everything was so easy before »  
« Speak for yourself. I can’t imagine the nightmare he has been through, living besides the love of his life. Because this is what we’re talking about, Dean. I hope you understand this. »  
« Why do you think I’m feeling like horseshit ? » he said, suddenly standing up. « How do you want me to tell him? »  
« Tell him what, Dean ? »  
« That I can’t, that I won’t be able to, ever » he shouted in a voice broken with emotion.  
« Dean » she stood up too. « Are you trying to tell me that you love him? » she asked, with a questioning look.  
« Dammit, Jo. What’s happening to me ? I’m a ladies’ man. The idea itself of… » he squeezed his head in his hands. « I can’t tell him that I find this idea repulsive, that I find his body repulsive » his eyes were filled with emotion. « That would kill him… That would kill us » he was desperately trying to hold back the tears. « I don’t wanna lose him. I can’t live without him »  
« Dean » she stepped closed and took his hands in hers. He squeezed them, avoiding to look at her.  
« You gotta tell him the truth »  
« What truth? » his voice was nothing more but a faint whisper. « He knows the truth. I suspect he’s known for a long time ».  
« What are you going to do ? »  
« I don’t know… I’m lost. All I know is I’m waiting for his calls with a knot in my heart. I’m counting the days because I need to hear his voice, to hear him grumble because I borrowed his shirts, to hear him laugh at my silly jokes even if he didn’t get half of them… I need him by my side»  
« Because you love him » she said, gently putting her hand on his cheek.  
« Yeah, maybe, somehow, but not enough to go to him »  
« Do you wanna know the truth, Dean Winchester? » He closed his eyes and savored the soft caress on his face. «You just don’t have the balls to do it »  
He suddenly opened his eyes again  
« You’re scared, and not because it’s a man, but because of what you feel in here » she said as she put a hand on his heart. «....You hadn’t felt that way since Tessa ».  
She saw her brother’s expression harden.  
« Don’t you dare » he pushed her away with a cold icy look.  
« All the loves are different, Dean » she cupped his face in her hands. « Tessa won’t be the only love of your life... Besides, that’s most probably something she didn’t want. You have the right to love again» she strengthen her grip. « Allow yourself to be happy, Dean. Give it a chance ».  
He grabbed her wrists and pulled her away from him.  
« Don’t you ever talk about her like that! » he said in a very low tone.  
« Like what, Dean ? You have lived a very unique love, you were granted two gorgeous kids. He’s always been there. You know what ? I’m sure she knew and she... » she smiled with tenderness but all of a sudden she felt a sharp pain on her lip and tasted the blood in her mouth. She stood there, petrified, rubbed he cheek and saw the panic in Dean’s eyes.  
He hadn’t been able to control himself and had slapped her for the very first time, his own sister to whom he had just confessed and who had told him something he wasn’t ready to heat just yet.  
« Jo » his eyes filled with tears. « I… I didn’t mean to… » he extended a shaking hand to her lip. She stepped back and banged against the table behind her.  
« Jo... Forgive me… I’m sorry. My precious Jo » he tried to caress the blood away with his finger. « Sweet Jo » he started to cry.  
She walked to him and he collapsed in her arms.

 

End of Chapter


	21. The Heart is so clumsy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the delay but last week I was visiting friends. I did not have access to my computer.

 

Bobby came back and saw Jo curled up on her chair, lost in her thoughts, staring at her plate. She had hardly touched her scrambled eggs.  
She looked up when he discreetly coughed to notify his presence.  
« Coffee? » he proposed, heading to the coffee machine.  
« No thanks.... I’m fine » she replied in a tired voice.  
« Did you bang your head on the door? » he asked, pointing at his own lip.  
« No, I bit myself while eating...Hence… » She showed her unfinished meal.  
« Really? » Bobby found it hard to believe. « Is Dean already up? » he asked, looking at the empty plate on the table.  
« Yes, but he went back to bed, he doesn’t feel well... »  
Bobby sat down next to her and took his hat off.  
« He went through some difficult times lately. I think his aborted romance with Lisa was the last straw »  
Jo slouched, hands between her knees, looking heartbroken...  
« Don’t worry, he’ll recover, eventually »  
« If you say so, Bobby » Yet she refrained from mentioning what she had learned, what she couldn’t tell Bobby, hence keeping her promise to Dean.  
She touched the bruise on her hitching lip… Was he that lost that he couldn’t prevent from hitting her?  
   
This gesture had destroyed the little resistance left in his heart... She had seen her brother cry on very rare occasions and she had felt much more shaken by his blow than his attitude when he had collapsed in her arms, feeling lost, out of control.  
Dean wasn’t the man to show his grieves in any way, even with the closest family members. Since always... The only time when Jo saw her brother cry was when his mother died; and even then, he had taken refuge in the cellar, hiding his tears so that nobody would see him...  
When his son was born, he cried of joy, even if he had tried not to show his emotions.  
On the other hand, he had managed to do so when his little girl was born...  
But she would never forget the cold and distant tears he shed when he lost his beloved Tessa.  
Tears of hatred and anger as he had to cope with the feeling injustice had overcome all the rest.  
She only learned several months later that he had let his pain explode in front of Castiel...when they were sorting Tessa’s belongings in various boxes several weeks after she died. He had collapsed, holding a pj he used to hate. Castiel had walked closer and suddenly Dean had let go for good.  
Since that time, he would keep his pain down deep inside. When the wall was about to crack, he was making fun about everything not to lose control… Dean had never been the exhibitive type, except with his children.  
Although during all these years they had seen his love for Tessa in his eyes and gestures, they had never seen him kiss her in public or show more intimate token of affection openly... He kept it all very private...  
Her brother was always uncomfortable showing his feelings, the very reason why Tessa fell for him at their first date.  
Dean and that clumsy heart of his, as she used to say with tenderness.  
   
Jo hated to imagine how Dean was feeling right now.  
The fact that he had slapped her in the face was an obvious evidence pain was eating him from inside and he was unable to cope with what had fallen on him.  
Losing Lisa for one, the ambiguous situation as he felt attracted to a man, his best friend above all, and here he was, diving into tortuous doubts and challenging. He could look for answers leading to denial, but in the end, he would sink into the obvious fact he was refusing to admit... It was a strange mixture of desire and gut aversion.  
Jo had felt this slap in the face as an act of panic. It had become obvious that Dean was unable to live with this duality. Initiating that kiss meant he had somehow privileged desire over reason although he hated losing control of his emotions.  
He may try to deny it all, nothing would ever be the same anymore...  
And it was terrifying to him, as the fear he experienced when he clung to this mother’s light, or Tessa’s. He was afraid to end up in the dark again if the light went off...  
That same light that started flickering when Castiel ended in a hospital bed.  
   
The silence that grew between Bobby and Jo, lost in their thoughts, was suddenly broken when the children rushed in, fighting over who would have access to the shower first.  
« Slow down, kids, this ain’t a circus! » Bobby said in a harsh voice, which made them quiet down immediately. « Don’t I get a morning kiss? » he mumbled, putting a finger on his cheek on which Jewel planted a strong kiss.  
« Thanks Sweetie »  
« Hi Uncle Bobby » Chadwick said as he sat down at the table.  
« So… What do you want for breakfast? » Bobby asked as he stood up.  
« Cereal » Jewel claimed with a big smile.  
« I only have honey flakes...»  
« OK ».  
« What about you, Chad? »  
« Same »  
« Well, at least it’s easy to please you, kids» he said, winking at Jo who smiled at him. « Your father and your aunt used to require a different breakfast each and every morning »  
There was a tender smile on Jo’s face.  
« But you loved to please us, right, old grumpy »  
« Mmm yes » he put two bowls and a half-opened cereal box.  
« Where’s Dad? » Jewel inquired.  
« He went back to bed » Jo replied.  
« Is he all right ? » Chadwick looked worried.  
« Yes, Chad, he’s fine. He just had several very busy weeks lately » she extended a hand and patted his nose with her finger. The boy forced himself to smile although he looked worried.  
« He needs to rest… He’s tired»  
« He’s not tired. He’s sad because Castiel isn’t here » Jewel words were filled with genuine innocence.  
Jo and Bobby exchange a look full of undisclosed meaning.  
« Why do you think that, Sweetie? » Jo asked her.  
« Dunno » the girl said, shrugging her shoulders and pouring cereals in her bowl. The words had come out naturally... as if the association of both was natural in some implacable child logic...Daddy without Castiel is sad...It’s as simple as that.  
Jo smiled and sunk in her chair, uncrossing her legs.  
« Jewel, watch out, you’re spilling everywhere » her brother warned, grabbing the box.  
« Let me do this »  
« Chad? »  
« Hm » the boy said, pouring cereals in his sister’s bowl.  
« Are you thinking the same thing as your sister? » Jo suddenly needed to know... The kids were living with them 24/7. They had been sharing everything for the last three years... They were sitting in the front seat.  
He raised an eyebrow and stared at Jo. Nevertheless, he refused to answer.  
« Do you want some? » he proposed some orange juice to his sister. She nodded a yes.  
He was his father’s son all right, Jo thought as she watched him taking care of the little girl. He wouldn’t say anything but she has observed his expression when she had asked Jewel; the answer was painted on his face. The children were well aware, way before their father.  
Indubitably, only the grown-ups were making things a lot more complicated than they actually were.  
   
Breakfast went on as if nothing happened: they talked about the day’s projects. Jewel intended to spend the whole afternoon with Tessa... She had so much to tell her, she announced, without giving any more details...  
Bobby was all smiles... He’d never thought a heifer could become the confident of a little girl asking herself a million questions and not knowing whom to turn to.  
As for Chadwick, he still hesitated between a game online and a walk with Apache up the hills.  
« It won’t snow today; you should grab the opportunity and go for a walk. Tomorrow, it may not be possible »  
« You’re right » the boy acknowledged as he stood up. « Do you think I could take Jack with us?»  
« It’s already difficult for the poor Jack to go out for a leak, so running up the hills, forget it...» Bobby extended a little sad smile to the old Rottweiler lying at his feet.  
« What are you gonna do, Aunt Jo? » Jewel asked.  
« I’ll start with the housework and then… nothing… I’ll just sit on the couch and enjoy a hot chocolate and a good book… I’ll play the lazy one » she answered with a big smile, stretching her arms.

  
   
www  
 

Around 11 a.m., Jo started to worry as she hadn’t seen Dean yet. She gently knocked on the door. As she got no response, she half opened the door.  
The bed was empty, the comforter thrown on the side.  
« Dean? » she called as she stepped inside the room.  
« Dean? » She took a look in the bathroom.  
In a reflex, she ran to the window, but the Impala was still parked in front of the house, covered by six inches of snow.  
« Where are you, dammit? » she mumbled for herself as she left the room. « Bobby...Have you seen Dean? »  
« I thought he was sleeping? »  
« I thought so too, but the bed is empty »  
He put down his peeler and walked out of the kitchen. No one in the living room.  
« Maybe he got out for a walk? » Bobby finally said, somewhat reassured to see the car still parked.  
And then his face lightened up.  
« Have you checked in the attic? You know he loved to hang around up there »  
« Bobby, I love you » she planted a kiss on his cheek.  
« Yeah, sure » he stammered.  
« If he’s up there, tell him we’re having lunch in about an hour. We’re on holidays, but that doesn’t mean we need to act as spoiled wealthy brats » he mumbled, heading back to the kitchen.

  
   
www

  
   
The door to the attic was open; she could see the white neon light extending a little outside the room.  
« Dean? » she whispered.  
The attic was divided in two spaces: the bedrooms on one side and a large lumber room where Uncle Bobby was hardly visiting.  
It was an ordinary attic. One window stained with years of dust, spider webs, dust, boxes and luggage filled with memories from their childhood and adult lives.  
When they were kids, Dean and Jo used to lock themselves in and imagine worlds full of winged red-eye monsters and dark-winged angels, space pirates and amazons. Jo had always been what they could call a tomboy, she loved to share a weird world of adventures with Dean, casting aside her dolls and sewing games. Sometimes, Steven, the Mc Evroys’ son, was joining them upstairs.  
Steven, her first kiss... All she could remember of the experience was it was “wet”. She smiled at the memory and saw Dean.  
He was sitting with his legs half folded on his chest, leaning on the large central beam.  
« What took you so long? » He smiled at her and nodded at the empty space on his right, inviting her to sit next to him.  
« Sorry, I was taking care of the kids and the household» she groaned, as she sat down.  
He stared at her and raised his hand to softly caress her lip.  
« I’m sorry » he planted a kiss on her forehead.  
« It’s OK. I’ve been through worse» she laughed a joyless laugh. « Dean? »  
He leaned back against the beam, staring at the empty space in front of him  
« Yes »  
« If you ever hit me again, I’ll smash your skull with a shovel and a pickax »  
« I hope so… But it’ll never happen again » he replied, looking with horror at his own hand.  
He looked at Jo’s hand taking his and their fingers entangled.  
He squeezed so hard that she felt her fingers were gonna brake like glass.  
« What are you gonna do? »  
He sighed and looked away at the window.  
« I dunno » he said in a tired low voice.  
« You haven’t answered my question yet? »  
« Which one? » he asked with an absent smile.  
She raised her hand and, without letting go of his fingers, put it on Dean’s chest.  
« This one »  
« Are you playing a rehearsal of The Young and The Restless? » he teased her.  
« I’m not. But since you don’t wanna hear the words, I’m showing them to you »  
He looked at her but didn’t answer.  
After a brief moment of silence, Jo leaned her head on his shoulder.  
« Why did you kiss him? »  
« I told you already. And I don’t wanna talk about it anymore » He sounded tired. « I made a mistake and now I’ve got to live with it. Period! End of discussion. »  
He somewhat slumped on himself, closing in like an oyster.  
Jo gave him a few more minutes, so that he could regain his composure.  
« How was it? »  
« Piss off, Jo » he pushed her away. « Gimme a break with this. I shouldn’t have told you. So stop bugging me » he stood up.  
« I take it that you didn’t hate it, otherwise you would have told me at once»  
Dean was about to snap back but no words escaped his parted lips.  
She smiled with tenderness.  
« So? » she was insisting.  
« Why do you wanna know? Why do you give a damn? What would it change? »  
« It would change a lot of things » she stood up too. « You liked it. Admit it. And that’s what scares you. You’d have preferred to find it disgusting or repulsive, to find the answer to your question, to your doubts » She gave a wry smile. « Bad luck! ».  
« Would you give me a fucking break, Jo? » He let out in a whisper, looking away.  
« Dean » she stepped closer and raised his chin with a finger. « Answer the question »  
« I can’t answer because I don’t even know what to answer » he said, walking away from her, shuffling through his hair, squeezing his head and shouting his anger. « I feel good when I’m with him… I feel like I’m whole...I can’t even imagine what we would do without him ».  
« That’s what’s love is all about, Dean »  
« No, Jo » he turned to face her. « Love implies you share everything and… I can’t share everything ».  
« How would you know? Look, you kissed him. So what? Your balls didn’t fall off! »  
He looked at her with bewildered eyes, and then he started to laugh. Jo couldn’t help it and smiled when she saw him lean backward then forward again and lean on his thighs as he laughed. She loved to see him like this. It has become so rare it was now a precious moment.  
He slowly regained his composure.  
« No » He said eventually, with a final smile. He let out a sigh.  
« You’re right. It didn’t upset me, now, there, you’re happy? Yet it surprised me, in an unpleasant way, I must admit, so I ran away like a coward to avoid a … not to have to… » he was unable to finish his sentence and looked down.  
« To avoid kissing him again» Jo went on  
« Shit! » he said, raising his hand to his forehead.  
« Dean Winchester, you’re a certified imbecile! » she said, brushing a lock of hair, as she used to do.  
« Jo...You know that this implies an interaction…. » he took a deep breath «....between men ».  
« As in any other couple, I suppose » she replied, crossing her arms.  
« I could never ... »  
He had a hard time breathing normally.  
« Dammit! » he started to pace around. « I couldn’t do it »  
« Shall I tell you what’s stuck in my throat? » Jo asked.  
« I don’t wanna talk about it with you. You’re my sister, for Heaven’s sake! »  
« Shall I remind you that this sister of yours tried all the shoes in the shop? » She said with a smile.  
« What? » he said, raising an eyebrow?  
« Well, not that sort of shoe » she replied as she make out the misunderstanding. « I don’t mind talking about sex with you, nothing will shock me, I swear» Her eyes were shining.  
« Well, I do. I will NOT speak about my sex life with my sister or anyone else for that matter » Dean was starting to be angry.  
« Gay sexual non-life» Jo pointed out.  
« SHIT » Dean shouted, pointing a finger at her. « You… you… you’re pissing me off » he finally said.  
« And you’re repeating yourself » she replied, refraining from laughing at her brother trying to overcome his principles of sexual non-commitment and the desire to brush away the reason for his denial.  
Dean eventually sat on the trunk with a big sigh, looking miserable. Hands on his knees. Bundled up on himself.  
« Why don’t you speak with Balty about it? »  
« What? » he looked horrified. « Are you mad? Besides, I AM NOT GAY » he claimed, hiding his face in his hands.  
« He is bi… the only one I know who could help you out »  
« Help me with what? » Dean snapped. « Accepting to sleep with a man… Ending up naked and…...» He looked disgusted.  
« So, here we are, at last »  
« I’ve told you several times already, I CAN’T DO IT » he stood up and started to pace in the room.  
« You know what? » she said with a gentle tone « I think you should tell him ».  
« Who? Cass? Tell him what, Jo? That I enjoyed kissing him but I find the idea of having sex with him quite repulsive? » He shouted out in frustration.  
« Maybe not in those terms » she was surprised by the harsh tone of his words. « You could tell him you’re attracted to him but that you’re unable to take a step further for the time being… that you need more time to fight away your fears and that you need him to do so ».  
« Attracted to him? »  
« Dean... Shall I remind you that you were to one kissing him in the first place? »  
« Yeah but... »  
« Dean »  
He looked completely at a loss, overtaken by the events, unable to put things in perspective.  
« Dean » she stepped closer. « I’d like to ask you one question. You’re not obliged to answer ».  
« Why do I fear the worst all of a sudden? » he raised his eyes to the ceiling and looked down again.  
« Have you ever wanted him? »  
« Huh? » He suddenly straightened up.  
« Have you ever imagined sleeping with him? »  
« No, God no… Stop this, it’s disgusting... I never... » He looked horrified by his sister’s question.  
« Have you ever had a physical reaction as you think of him? »  
« God N… » He suddenly remembered the erection he had the night before.  
He didn’t reply.  
« Dean? » Jo insisted.  
« I’ve already dreamed I had sex with my Math teacher, that doesn’t mean I wanted to do it for real »  
« Who, Peterson? » she hesitated between laughter and astonishment « the old Mrs. Peterson » she insisted.  
« She wasn’t that old » Dean retorted, feeling uncomfortable.  
« She was almost 60 and rather ugly....Holy shit, Mrs. Peterson! » She started to laugh. « I now have the ugliest image in my mind... Thanks for the future nightmares I’m gonna have » she couldn’t help but laughing some more.  
« That’s it, laugh it up! ».  
« I’d rather see you in Castiel's arms rather than hers » she stopped laughing.  
« Jo »  
« Sorry… Couldn’t resist »  
He sighed for the hundredth time. Jo went serious again.  
« What are you gonna do when he’s back? Because, at one point, it will get out of hands, Dean… And you risk losing everything if you go on like this»  
« Don’t you think I’m not aware? »  
« Talk to him »  
« AND WHAT SHOULD I TELL HIM? » he reached out as if to beg for a solution.  
« That you love him, Dean. Nothing less, nothing more. You’ll see, words will then flow easily...» She put a hand on his cheek « Castiel loves you... He’ll understand... If he’s to come to you and be able to love you, you gotta tell him how you feel ».  
« But he’s my best friend. I can’t risk losing that for… for something that may never happen ».  
« Have you ever contemplated you might gain more than expected...? Did it occur to you that, beyond your apprehensions, you could find some balance and pleasure in it…? We’re talking about Cass, remember… Castiel, and not some stranger you had a crush on in the street ».  
« Exactly ».  
« Exactly indeed» Jo smiled at him. « If you ever had to fall in love with a man, he was meant to be the one » she kissed him on the cheek and left without another word, leaving Dean swimming in a sea of doubts, but also gaining a certainty… This evidence he was now unable to deny.  
He was in love with Castiel… Dammit!  
Fifteen days wouldn’t be enough to change that, nor fifteen years, or a hundred...  
Everything was now depending on him and the courage he would show to see it through.  
Castiel being a man wasn’t the source of his fear, generating a whirlwind of uncontrolled panic, even if he had to admit this represented an obstacle taking time to overcome...  
Actually, he was afraid of the empty space that Castiel left behind when he left the house, not hearing his voice between the walls, not seeing his eyes on him, to carry him forward… The missing smiles lightening up his days.  
He was afraid of feeling a similar pain in his heart to the one he felt when he crossed her eyes… Jo was right; Tessa wouldn’t have wanted to be the only love in his life… He was in love with a man, so what?  
He started to laugh.  
« Who would’ve thought? » He nodded his head gently. « Now that I have acknowledged this » he looked through the window, « How am I supposed to tell you? I’m not good with words and I must admit, I’m scared to death... »  
« You won’t get an answer from the birds out there, but from him » Jo casually replied from the door frame. « Bobby is waiting for us. Come down now. »  
« Jo »  
He walked to her.  
« Come here »  
He took her in his arms and held her tight for a long while, with his chin resting on her head, so small and yet so strong.  
« I’m sorry. And thank you. I love you, that's for sure »  
She huddled up to him a bit more. Here he was, Dean Winchester telling her he loved her. She had heard those words so rarely, even though he had a way to tell by just looking at her...  
« I love you too, more than anyone. I hope you’ll find the strength to love him, whatever the obstacles»  
« I sure hope so too… But first, I gotta find the courage to tackle the subject » he replied, kissing her hair.  
« You’ll manage, don’t worry...C’mon, or Bobby will go hysterical» she put her arm around his waist and dragged him along.

  
   
www

  
   
The rest of the day ran smoothly. Jewel disappeared after lunch, dressed up in three layers of sweaters… Tessa was waiting for her.  
Chadwick decided to talk a walk in the hills with Apache. Dean didn’t mind anymore his son needing some privacy and moments of solitude to secure his emotional balance.  
At first, he had worried, there was no denying there. He had started to show the need for solitude after his mother’s death, yet Dean soon realized it was also in his son’s nature. He had friends and a happy life. Ty had become an ideal friend and Lindsay had become his first love, the one that turns you into a complete teenage idiot.  
Dean smiled when he left the house, making sure his son had taken his mobile. As for the rest, with Apache by his side, he wouldn’t risk anything.  
He ended up slumped on the couch in front of the television, with a beer in his hand. Should anyone ask him what he was watching, he’d been unable to answer, as all his thoughts were converging on his last conversation with Jo.  
He had two weeks to prepare for the inevitable... Knowing he was attracted to his best friend who happened to be gay was already quite a shock; he now had to summon up the courage that seemed to melt away. The evening phone calls were making things even worse.  
« Why does it always happen to me? » he closed his eyes and rested his head on the back. « Why didn’t he wear a 34B, as expected, moron? » he let out a deep sigh...  
He fell asleep at the quiet humming of the television. Jo found him later on, curled up on the couch.  
She covered him with a blanket and sat down next to him, with a Stephen King’s novel in her hands.  
   
That evening, Dean revealed another side of his personality, unknown until then. He was the greatest coward of the universe, at least, in his universe that much was certain.  
He picked up the phone, recited a few phrases and then used his bowels as an excuse, under the stunned gaze of his sister, to hand the phone to his son. He soon disappeared in the bathroom, cursing himself all the way.  
The lie he had served to Castiel had unexpected consequences, as he felt sick for good because of the stress.  
« Shit! »  
That night, it took Dean quite a long while to fall asleep, rolling over so many times in his bed.  
There was no hot kiss… Just an old Math teacher, languishingly leaning against a blackboard… Dean started to laugh in his sleep...

  
   
www

  
   
The morning after, he had a hard time keeping the children quiet in front of the Christmas tree. They were so excited and impatient to guess what the content of the parcels … Jewel took it that Santa Claus must have done an extra trip as there were more gifts under the tree than the night before.  
« Dad, look... » Her eyes were shining and she was pointing at the footsteps from the chimney to the tree.  
« What? Did he forget to wipe his feet again? » Dean stated, winking at Bobby, probably the author of the crime.  
Jo was nervous too yet for other reasons. VIN had called earlier, he was on his way. He had postponed his arrival on account of an opening.  
She was going to introduce him to the family; as all the previous lovers hadn’t been that appreciated, she felt rather anxious.  
« Don’t worry… It’s gonna be fine… We’re gonna love this artist of yours » Dean was attempting to make her more at ease. « I’m pretty sure he’s gonna take the test just fine » His lips stretched in a slightly ironic smile.  
« Don’t you start with this » Jo groaned, hitting his chest with her fist.  
   
Ten minutes later, the person they had been waiting for long finally showed up, making quite an entrance, to say the least.  
He was a foot taller then Jo, and so he was as tall as Dean: he was wearing a pair of jeans with more holes than Swiss cheese and a abominable electric blue shirt... his hair was so black that his complexion seemed even paler...  
He looks like a vampire, Dean thought so loud they could almost have heard it.  
« Hello... Please excuse my poor outfit, I came straight from a party organized by my godfather, I should say my mentor... » He extended a hand towards Dean « I don’t usually dress up as Edward » He smiled although it seemed obvious he was feeling uncomfortable.  
« That reassures me all of a sudden » Dean smiled as well and shook hands.  
« I’m Dean, the Miss’s brother »  
« Pleased to meet you » he let go of his hand.  
Jo was standing in the background.  
« Hello, I’m Bobby.... The Miss’s uncle » the old man said in turn.  
The dog jumped among the group, shoving Dean on the way.  
« Just let me know if I’m in the way » the latter groused, staring daggers at the animal.  
« Hello, you » the visitor stroked the dog behind the ears.  
« And this fur ball is Apache »  
Dean stepped aside and showed Vin to the living room. Bobby and Jo followed them.  
« This one looks all right » the man whispered to Jo; she smiled.  
« And the young man over there with his eyes stuck on his PSP screen is Chadwick » Dean looked at his son with angry eyes.  
The boy extended a hand.  
« The young lady over there staring at you with puppy-dog eyes is Jewel »  
« Hello » she said with a very shy smile.  
« Don’t you worry, Mister, my kids hardly remain silent for more than an hour »  
« Vin. »  
« Excuse me? »  
« You can call me Vin »  
« As you wish » he patted his shoulder.  
« Would you care for a drink: beer, coffee, soft drink? »  
« Do you have some fruit juice? »  
« Er… I think we may have some of that » Dean replied, a bit perplexed by the young man’s request.  
« By the way » he went on as he headed for the kitchen, « Jo’s shown me your painting… You do have a gift. That being said, I don’t know much about painting, but I really found this one extraordinary »  
« Thank you » Vin seemed sincerely touched.  
« Orange or apple juice? » Dean asked, with his head in the fridge.  
« Orange juice will be just fine, thanks »  
They sat around the table and talked as if they’d never stop for ages. Vin turned out to be a well-balanced young man, with a clear state of mind and a pretty good idea of what he wanted to do with his life.  
He was in love with Jo and what she brought him even though he was reluctant to plan for the future of their relationship... He had told Jo on the very first day of their encounter, painting would always come first. She had accepted it; she had acknowledged that part she was attracted to… The artist.  
« I must say it’s a rather brave attitude » Dean stated, turning his beer bottle between his fingers.  
« Life’s too short to make compromises… I’d rather tell it as it is from the start, that way we avoid misunderstandings and unspoken words ruining human relationships and stack the deck »  
« We do have a philosopher here » Dean said, with a little sad smile.  
« Not really, I just learned my lesson too late and I don’t wanna make the same mistakes... No one should play with the feelings of another or try to bend them to our will »  
Dean tried not to laugh.  
« So you believe I’m wrong, is that it, that I’m too inflexible? » somehow, he was afraid of the answer he’d get.  
« Not at all… I think you’re right.... And I think my sister made the right choice » he said, raising his eyes and looking at her. « I’m the one who should follow your advice, for that matter » he drank the rest of his beer in one gulp.

Vin spent the rest of the afternoon with them. Then he reluctantly said his goodbyes, as he had to go and visit his parents. Jo guided him to her room so that he could change before leaving.  
« Nice little guy » Bobby said casually.  
Dean smiled back.  
« So where is that caterer of yours, huh? » Bobby muttered, looking at his watch.  
Vin reappeared and Dean couldn’t help laughing.  
« What? »  
« You changed from Edward to Nosferatu? »  
Vin was all dressed in black, except a white shirt. His complexion looked even paler because of the dark suit. The young man pulled nervously on his vest.  
« Too dark, is that it? »  
« Well, it’s Christmas, not Halloween. Don’t you have anything else to wear? »  
« I didn’t have the time to pick up something else »  
« Stay here and take off that mortician jacket! »  
The young man complied, looking at Jo in search of some silent support.  
« Here, put this on » Dean came back and gave him a gray mark blazer. « This should fit. And it’s in fashion again.»  
« Isn’t that your prom vest? » Bobby noticed.  
« It’s been hanging for ages, so it might as well serve to someone”  
« Thanks » Vin smiled.  
« Don’t mention it… Just put on a bit of perfume to mask the mothballs smell and that should do it » Dean laughed.  
His phone suddenly started to ring, his expression turned serious all of a sudden, yet Jo saw that little sparkle in his eyes. That was from HIM.  
Vin gave Jo a sideways glance.  
« It’s Castiel...»  
Vin saluted Dean who saluted him back absent-mindedly, already focused on his interlocutor.  
Leaning on the sink, he was talking about this and that, for a longer while than usual, because he was missing his voice, his laughers and the smiles he could perceive behind the words.  
« Talk to you tonight, one minute to midnight » Dean smiled then immediately nibbled his lower lip. « Cass... » There was a short moment of silence. « I miss you » he hung up straight away, let out a sigh, suddenly feeling ridiculous and pathetic.

 

End of chapter


	22. silent night

 

Dean helped Bobby set the table in the living room in front of the fireplace. He had pushed aside the few pieces of furniture for them to have more space as there were no actual dining room at his Uncle’s. They were used to moving the kitchen table in the living room for special occasions.  
They displayed a paper Christmas table cloth and various Champaign glasses. Then the time had come for serving the appetizers. The caterer had called to confirm he would be there within half an hour… Bobby wasn’t too happy about the timing but nevertheless he felt relieved everything was in place.  
In the meantime, the children were sitting on the carpet with their back leaning against the couch, staring at the television. As each year, they were traditionally watching Capra’s « It’s a Wonderful Life », which was their mother’s favorite movie.  
And as each year since she had learned to speak, Jewel was asking a thousand questions to her brother, apparently unable to catch the difference between the hero from the past and the one from the present. Chadwick patiently explained her that the angel Clarence wanted to show what the hero’s life would be, had he chosen a different path.  
« You see, Jimmy wanted to be an explorer and if he had managed to fulfill his dream, the city would have disappeared as well as all the ones he loved. He wouldn’t be married and he wouldn’t have any kids. »  
« And he wouldn’t have had all these friends to help him with all the money at the end » she said with sparkles in her eyes.  
He smiled… It was their special Christmas moment... Chadwick was always carrying the DVD in his suitcase, just in case the channel hadn’t planned to show the movie. Until now, he had never used his copy.  
Dean watched them with tenderness… Choices of life… He smiled briefly and turned to Jo who had joined him.  
The doorbell rand, the caterer had finally arrived. It was time for serious business.  
   
Bobby loved to cook but Christmas was above all a family gathering and he wasn’t willing to spend most of the evening in the kitchen as his loved ones were celebrating in the other room.  
So he used to order at the caterer’s and had never found reasons to complain about the quality until now, even though he knew his guests wouldn’t be happy with one part of the menu...  
That was also one of their Christmas traditions.  
« You may put all this on the table, I’ll take care of the rest. And go home » he said, patting the young boy’s back.  
« This will be for later in the evening » Bobby smiled, offering him a cup of coffee.  
« Thanks »  
« Don’t mention it » he started to unpack the order.  
« You got everything in there ? »  
« I think so » the old man said, pushing up his cap.  
« So, I’ll be on my way... » He emptied his cup in one gulp.  
« Merry Christmas, Mr. Singer »  
« Merry Christmas to you too »  
There was a sudden gust of wind and snow when the young man opened the door and left. Bobby looked at the window. It was snowing again.  
« Shall we eat now? I’m starving » Dean pleaded.  
« You’re always starving» Bobby nodded gently.  
« I hope it’ll be better than last time » he claimed, giving a suspicious glance at the food preparations.  
« If you’re not happy with it… you can look for another table... » Bobby motioned to the door.  
« You’ll find the snowshoes in the barn » he added with a little smile.  
« Are you kidding? » Dean was worried as he looked through the window. « My poor baby lying in the snow and the cold... I can say bye-bye to the battery » he added with a sad look.  
« Why don’t you help me set the table instead of crying over your car » Bobby sighed.  
« You’re heartless » Dean pouted.  
« Can I help you ? » Jo asked, peeking in.  
« With pleasure… Can you take care of the appetizers while I preheat the oven »  
« Are you OK, Dean ? » the old man asked, looking at Dean obviously lost in his thoughts.  
« Err… yeah… sure » he looked surprised.  
« Boy, I don’t know what’s got into you but you seem to travel a lot lately » Bobby said, drawing circles on his temple with his forefinger.  
« Ahahahah... Very funny » Dean made a face.  
« What’s this, Uncle Bobby ? » Jo asked, looking at the small jars.  
« These are called verrines, you ignorant» he raised his eyes.  
« My God, besides frozen food, does it happen that you guys sometimes eat some healthy food? » he despaired.  
« Shall I remind you that I’m the one who cooks at home and no one ever complained» Dean said as he installed the salmon vol-au-vents.  
« Of course, anyway, they don’t have a choice» Bobby snapped back.  
Dean stared daggers at him.  
« Whatever, it smells good » Jo finally said, putting it back on the table.  
« Don’t you dip your nose in all the dishes, why don’t you bring them to the living room instead » Bobby mumbled, grabbing one of the bags.  
« Jesus, he’s so touchy... I know what I’ll wish for when kissing under the mistletoe this year » he said, grabbing the appetizers.  
« Take care of the Champaign, will ya ? I bought an alcohol-free bottle for the kids » Bobby asked Dean, motioning the fridge.  
« Sir, Yes, Sir ! » Dean sprung to attention.  
« Idjit » Bobby pulled his cap down again.  
   
Bobby joined them as the end credits of “It’s a Wonderful Life” were scrolling on the TV screen.  
Dean called the kids and poured them a glass of alcohol-free Champaign. Jewel was all smiles. Chadwick was pouting.  
« Next year, OK ? » Dean winked at his son.  
Chadwick stretched his lips in a big smile. Dean popped the bottle cork and the sound startled the dog that hit his head under the table.  
« What a brave dog ! » he patted the animal to reassure him.  
« To us » he raised his glass.  
« To us » the others said in choir.  
He discreetly looked at the empty glass Bobby couldn’t help adding every time for the last ten years.  
« The old hag will bite the dust one day » Bobby whispered.  
« Bobby » Dean reprimanded, staring wide-eyes.  
Jo couldn’t help but smile.  
« What old hag, Uncle Bobby? » Jewel asked, turning up her nose.  
« My car » he finally said, after a few seconds.  
« Your dad promised to buy me a new one »  
« Is that so ? » Dean replied, looking falsely surprised.  
« Yeah » Bobby smiled a nasty smile.  
« Shall we eat ? » Jo finally begged.  
« Good idea. Go ahead, kids, you start first... » Dean said, scratching the back of his neck.  
« What’s that supposed to mean? » Bobby mocked him.  
« What is this ? » Jewel pointed at one preparation.  
« Small cheese soufflés »  
« It is good ? »  
« If you don’t try it, you’ll never know, young lady »  
She looked at her brother who had grabbed a salmon vol-au-vent.  
Everybody was staring at her as she took a tiny bite.  
« It’s very good » she admitted, swallowing the rest in one gulp.  
« There’s still hope, thank God. Their taste buds are still functioning properly.»  
« Pardon ? » Dean raised an eyebrow as he grabbed one of the verrines and stared at it, looking puzzled.  
He detached the tiny spoon attached to the verrine and dipped it in the mousse.  
« What am I supposed to do with this ? » he said, showing the tiny spoon. « Even Jewel’s dolls one are bigger » he claimed, swallowing the content of the spoon, as everyone was waiting for his reaction.  
The expression on his face seemed to say : What am I eating ?  
His eyes claimed : This is good.  
He looked at the verrine with a satisfied look.  
« Not bad at all… What is it ? » He asked Bobby.  
« Don’t you recognize the taste? » The man folded his arms.  
« I know it but I can’t make it out » he said, taking another spoonful.  
« Asparagus and cucumber mousse » Bobby was all smiles.  
« You’re kidding me, right ? » He now looked disgusted.  
« I wouldn’t dare, my little rabbit» he laughed, taking a verrine for himself.  
Dean put his back on the table.  
« Is there anything for meat-eaters in there ? » He asked, pointed at the plates.  
« Chicken » Bobby replied.  
« Chicken » he repeated under the amused eyes of his children who seemed happy to taste a little of every single plate.  
« You’re gonna corrupt them » Dean cursed.  
« On the contrary, I’m gonna raise them from perdition » Bobby started to laugh.

  
   
www

  
   
Here they were, glaring at each other almost as strangers.... He didn’t pay attention to his mother’s old friends present as each year and who were obviously ignoring him, displaying a polite behavior because it only was politically correct.  
He didn’t pay attention to Mabel either, the Mexican housewife who had served his mother for almost 20 years... Yet he was very attached to her as she had never judged him and was probably the only one in the family environment to accept who he was.  
« You’ll always be my angelito » she used to repeat over and over, in her chanting accent.  
« God loves all his children »  
Mabel... He smiled and eventually looked at her. He noticed she had grown old over the last year; her hair was showing some more grey strands and her face was showing more wrinkles. She looked tensed and even more tired than usual, most probably because she had spent most of the last days in the kitchen to prepare the meal for this peculiar Christmas Eve.  
   
He had come home late in the afternoon, serving the excuse he had spent the day with old class mates, even though it was just a lie...  
He didn’t fit in this house.  
He had wandered around and ended up on a bench behind the church, that very place where he had prayed God so many times.  
Castiel had lost his faith, at least the one his father had tried to teach him and, to a lesser extent, his mother’s… His faith was totally different.  
He stared at Mary’s statue that seemed to look at him, extending her hands towards him.  
He snatched his phone out and called him because he needed to hear hm… He missed his voice. He missed him.  
They talked about this and that for a long while. He smiled after Dean had almost hung up on him, looking at the phone, but he was happy. Words are magical; they can kill you but they can also restore life.  
   
He was so tired...  
He’d rather be with them… With him... His place was there, not here.  
His mother loved him but something broke the day he had made his coming out… Now the bond was gone forever.  
Yet he couldn’t’ leave her… She was all he had left. His father’s family refused to hear about him and on his mother’s side, he only had an aunt left, long forgotten in a home for the elderly and with a faulty memory… He was now the only person left in his mother’s life and despite the moral wounds, he could never forget she had never abandoned him.  
How could he forget he had turned to her when he left Michael?  
She had opened her door, even if she had never shown any compassion regarding his sorrow. According to her, it was a punishment from God.  
Castiel had been withering and Michael tenderness wasn’t enough to sustain his purpose in life.  
His mother hadn’t talked to him since he returned, she only looked at him and avoided his eyes crying at her.  
He was feeling more alone within these walls than he had ever felt.  
Then one day, when he kept refusing to eat, his mother had come to him with a very low voice.  
« You should eat, my angel. You have a visitor this afternoon, you need to regain some strength »  
He had stared at her with empty eyes… My angel… she hadn’t called him that for a long time.  
« Mother » he said in a supplicant voice.  
« Eat » and then she left him alone.  
She couldn’t find the words to comfort, unable to forgive... So she had turned to the only person who could save him and treat the bruise in his soul.  
Mabel opened the door and her face lightened up.  
« He’s in the living room… Señorita, he’s gonna be so happy to see you » she said with tears in her eyes.  
He was dozing off, his half empty plate lying on the coffee table.  
She looked at him and stepped forward. She kneeled before him and gently put a hand on his unshaved cheek.  
« Castiel » she softly called.  
When he opened his eyes, he saw her… Tessa and her unwavering support… His soul mate.  
   
That was a long time ago.  
He looked at his mother and she looked back at him. He smiled with tenderness: for a moment, something special occurred.  
That was a smile for this woman who had given him back Tessa.  
Tessa and her new life.... Tessa who had eventually introduced him to her husband.  
Dean Winchester... Dean, the man who overwhelmed his life, the man he loved beyond reason.  
When his mother had given him back his friend, she had offered him the most precious gift: a family. The family she couldn’t promise herself.  
So these two weeks every year were a kind of redemption, his own gift to his mother.  
Suddenly their eyes broken contact, his mother put down her fork and slowly got up, walked around the table and stood close to her son.  
She took his face in her cold hands ruined by the years and put a soft kiss on his lips then left without a word. He felt lost, under Mabel’s touched gaze and the dismayed old couple’s expression.  
The most beautiful token of love a mother could offer her son.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean helped Bobby clean the table as Jo settled in front of the television with Chadwick who was plugging his X-Box.  
Jewel helped pushing the coffee table aside.  
« Just Dance 2 »  
Jo stared at the gamepads with dubious eyes.  
« What am I supposed to do with these ? »  
« You have to replicate the exact same movements of the dancers on the screen… Piece of cake, you’ll see »  
« This is quite grotesque » Dean sounded furious.  
Chadwick couldn’t refrain from laughing.  
« Did I miss an episode ? » Jo asked as his eyes met Dean’s.  
« Wait » Chadwick suddenly remembered, reaching for his phone. Dean’s face went pale.  
« Don’t you dare ! » he pointed a threatening finger at him.  
His son didn’t reply and went on searching in the files, Jo was watching over his shoulder. Jewel got hooked up by the explanations running on the TV screen.  
« Here it is !» Chadwick suddenly exclaimed.  
« What is it ? »  
« Dad and Castiel dancing » the boy was all smiles  
« NO! » Jo shouted as she sat beside him.  
« Uncle Bobby... Come here and look at this »  
« Chad ! » his father warned.  
« But Dad ... I found this so fun » his eyes were lost in his father’s.  
« Sort of » Dean stepped closer to them.  
Uncle Bobby joined them, he had rolled up his sleeves up his arms.  
« What now ? Are you aware I’ve got a lot to do back there? » he said pointing at the kitchen.  
« Come and look at this, Uncle Bobby… it won’t last long » Chadwick asked in a begging tone.  
« Yeah, that’s it… Come and look at this. You’ll have a good reason for mocking me for the next ten years » Dean mumbled, one hand on his sister’s shoulder.  
   
Chadwick started the video. The moment Dean saw Castiel, his heart skipped a beat and it hurt. Jo probably felt it when she took his hand and gently squeezed it. Nevertheless, he couldn’t help but laugh with the others as they were watching the scene. But his own laughter was filled with tenderness as the others were making fun of him.  
« It’s great » Jo was laughing out loud.  
« Look at Dad’s face » Chadwick was laughing too.  
« Go ahead, have fun » Dean pouted.  
« C’mon, you haven’t changed a bit.» Bobby casually said.« Still a bad dancer and a bad looser»  
« Pfft» Dean snorted.  
The sounds of the continuous beeps were resonating with the kids’ laughters and Jo and Bobby’s critics.  
Chadwick terminated the video.  
« Is it finished already ? » Jo asked with a bit of disappointment.  
« Didn’t have enough ? » Dean grumbled.  
He extended his son a big smile, grateful he had willingly truncated the end of the show. He wanted to keep the best for himself, and that was it.  
« So… After this little break of « I’m making fun of myself in front of a bunch of kids », I’m going back to my pans » Bobby announced.  
When he reached the kitchen door, he turned around.  
« Eh Fred Astaire, would you be kind enough and give me a hand ? » Bobby sniggered.  
« So much for my reputation !» Dean let out a discouraged sigh.  
They paused when dinner was finally being served. Jo was exhausted after only two dances and gave her place to Jewel who was a lot more performant than her at this. The dog was watching them all with a puzzled expression, wondering why they had to jump like they did, like fools. He let out a long discouraged sigh.  
   
Dean took place between his children, facing Jo and Bobby, who was still busy in the kitchen.  
« We’re all waiting for you, man »  
« I’m right here. » Bobby made an entrance.  
« Tonight’s menu… Duck breast with honey and raisins » he announced as he placed his cooking on the table, next to the cornbread basket.  
« Wow, it looks edible for a change » Dean claimed, rubbing his hands together in anticipation.  
« Idjit » Bobby took his cap off and hung it on the back of his chair.  
« So, we have…» he started, pointing at the dishes, one by one,« scalloped potatoes, green beans with bacon, dried tomato salad and this…» he leaned over to examine the weird plate.  
« I think this is mashed carrots and broccolis»  
« I’ll pass » Dean made a face.  
« Don’t you start, OK ? » Bobby scolded.  
« And here, we have fried potatoes and over there, honey sauce and raisins»  
He finally sat down with a big smile on his face.  
« Bon appétit everybody and Merry Christmas »  
« MERRY CHRISTMAS » they said all together.  
They spent a relaxing moment while eating. In fact, the carrot and broccoli puree was acclaimed by the children but not by the adults. On the other hand, they didn’t enjoy the duck as much meanwhile Dean ate almost half of the plate by himself.  
« Don’t push yourself if you don’t like it » Bobby indicated as Dean was serving himself a third plate.  
« So what ? I don’t like to throw away the food. Besides, no one seems to like it » he looked at him with a little smile.  
« It’s very good, Uncle Bobby » Jewel said with a big smile as she swallowed some more scalloped potatoes.  
« Glad to hear it, pumpkin. What about you, Chad? Do you like it ? »  
« I love it. It’s better than the stuff you served last year » he replied as he cut another piece of duck.  
« That turkey and chestnuts was very good » Bobby mumbled, pouring himself some red wine.  
« I’d rather say it was awful. I was still chewing it the morning after at breakfast’» Dean bluntly said, which made her sister laugh.  
« You know what ? Next year, you can do it all by yourselves if you think you’re so smart » he stuck his fork in the green beans.  
« Next year, a little duck will be just fine » Dean snapped back, as a little piece of meat was showing between his teeth.  
Chadwick and Jewel started to laugh and adopted the same posture.  
« You gotta be kidding me » Bobby shook his head.  
« Would you care for some of this delicious red wine, dear Sister, as Mr. Singer here didn’t bother so serve us? » Dean said in a pedantic tone.  
« Go to hell » Bobby grumbled.  
« You’ve got hands, right ? Besides, I’m the one who brought the wine»  
They laughed out loud some more and then they started to clean the table.  
Dean and Jo helped Bobby to wash the dishes, hitting each other with the towels while the kids were dancing again.  
Apache and Jack went out for an urgent walk but came back in very quickly. Temperatures were freezing outside.  
They all settled in the living room to enjoy their cup of coffee. The children switched on the television to watch the midnight Mass, which Dean hated.  
He and Jo talked a bit about his work as Bobby was sitting with the children.

And then Midnight rang...  
They all kissed each other and wished each other all the best... Bobby fetched a bottle of cider so that the children could celebrate with them. Dean didn’t join them, he had had enough of Champaign and red wine already.  
He was nibbling his lower lip as he discreetly held his hand next to his pocket.  
Jo smiled as she saw how much he was attempting to hide it behind an indifferent expression. He smiled his kids a tensed smile and his eyes were filled with anxiety and impatience.  
Then the phone rang...  
« Cass » he answered with so much joy in his voice.  
« MERRY CHRISTMAS » they all shouted as Dean extended the phone towards them. The ritual was identical as every year, yet this time, Dean didn’t wanna hang up.  
Bobby opened the bottle and filled in the glasses.  
« Daaaaaad, c’mon… the presents" Jewel complained.  
She looked exhausted, fighting to keep her eyes open and savor the precious moment.  
Dean stepped closer to them, keeping his phone stuck on his ear.  
« Cheeeeeeeeers » he toasted.  
« I gotta hang up now… The kids are so impatient to open up their presents»  
He smiled a sad little smile.  
« As each year… Yeah, me too… OK, I’ll tell them » he said, trying not to laugh.  
« Merry Christmas, Cass… Talk to you tomorrow... » He looked down.« We miss you too »  
« WE MISS YOU CASTIEL » the kids shouted.  
« OK… » Dean finally said.  
« Bye Cass » he hung up and felt so empty all of a sudden.  
« C’mon. The children are waiting for you» Jo put an arm around his waist and held him tight for a few seconds.  
« Hey, are we gonna open up these presents or what ? » Dean casually claimed, gently pushing his sister forward and putting his phone back in his pocket.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean and Jo had bought a new winter coat for Bobby, as the old one was far too worn out. He tried it on immediately, it fit perfectly.  
« Told ya… One size above would’ve been too large » Jo said to the brother.  
« What is that supposed to mean ? That I’m too fat, is that it ? » he looked daggers at Dean.  
« Of course not. But I thought you’d be more comfortable if you decided to wear pullovers without feeling cramped » Dean was obviously trying to find a suitable excuse.  
« Don’t serve me that bullshit » he took off the coat.  
« Do you like it at least? »  
« I love it, kids, thanks a lot » he gave them a big smile.  
   
They weren’t in the adult present thing as they considered Christmas was mostly dedicated for the children, but they like to find something nice to offer anyway.  
Jo got two tickets for the Soundgarden concert from Dean. She crashed into his arms.  
« I thought we could go together but I think Vin would be more than happy to accompany you»  
« He loves them. This is too much. You’re an awesome brother. »  
He looked at her lip, still a bit swollen.  
« I said you’re awesome » she repeated, putting a finger under his chin and forcing him to look at her.  
   
Jo offered Dean a blu-ray collection set of « Planet of the Apes »  
« That’s nice, little sis’, but I don’t have the machine to read them » he said, a bit embarrassed.  
« You can use the Xbox or… this » she handed another box.  
« This is from Bobby and me »  
It was a DVD/Blu-ray disk player.  
« Now you can watch your crappy old DVDs and your brand new blu-ray disks » she claimed with a big smile.  
« I love my old DVDs as well as my old VHS tapes and my old player » he winked.  
« You’re so old-fashioned» Jo teased him.  
« Thanks… I’ll test it for sure » he planted a kiss on his sister’s forehead.  
   
Chadwick got 2 games for his console as well as Avengers pj’s from his father. Jewel got several coloring books and drawings pads as well as a color pen set of 100 assorted, a Jungle Book puzzle but most of all an interactive plush electronic puppy which made her jump to the ceiling.  
She got from her aunt the Disney DVD box set and Chadwick got 2 tickets for the national swimming championship that would take place less than a day drive from their home. He had a hard time hiding how thrilled he was and Dean tried not to show how annoyed he was. He thought he would be easy to trade his place with Castiel. He loved his son but watching swimmers go back and forth during hours, sitting on a hard bench hurting his back, wasn’t his idea of fun.  
Bobby gave Jewel a genuine fake diploma of the best godmother to Tessa as well as all the material she needed to care for her so-called goddaughter.  
« You mean it ? I’m the best? »  
« Never found a better one »  
She felt honored and smiled...  
Chadwick got a new helmet and brand new knee and elbow pads as his had been definitely ruined during their last visit.  
« Awesome ! » he tried the stylish helmet at once...  
   
Then came the time to open Castiel’s presents. Each one had a pack with their first name on it.  
« Apache »  
Dean smiled... A huge bone which the dog immediately ran away with to the kitchen.  
« Bobby »  
The old man was nervous when opening his present.  
« Holy shit… Where did he find this ? » he showed an encyclopedia on the American Civil War, the one he had been searching for years and that had become a rarity.  
He opened the book with eyes filled with wonder.  
Jo smiled when she received her own present which she opened with a frowning face.  
It contained a large silver bracelet with small native tribal carvings and turquoises, a genuine craftsmanship according to the notice.  
« It’s… it’s amazing » she took it out of the box and put it on her wrist.  
Dean smiled when she looked at him.  
Chadwick and Jewel opened their presents simultaneously.  
They both received a similar little white box. They looked at each other and opened the boxes.  
« Holy crap ! » Chadwick heaved a long sigh when he grabbed a plain ticket out.  
« It’s... It’s Mickey Mouse ? » Jewel asked, as she hesitated between hesitation and a cry of joy.  
« What’s this ? » Dean asked them.  
« These are… tickets to Disneyland » his son whispered, looking at the tickets, somehow he had a hard time to believe it was true.  
« Are we gonna go and see Mickey Mouse ? » Jewel’s voice broke with emotion.  
Dean took the ticket from Chadwick who hesitated to let it go.  
He read it for a while.  
« Two days at Disneyland » he confirmed, looking at Jo.  
Jewel started to cry in silence. Chadwick took his ticket back.  
« This is awesome ! » he said in a low voice, looking down.  
Right then he noticed there was one gift left.  
« This one’s for you, Pa’ »  
Dean took it, feeling a bit uncomfortable.  
When he unwrapped it, he couldn’t help but nod and put a sad smile on his face.  
HE had been offered the grey shirt with the special emblem in the back, the one he loved so much, the one he’d borrowed so many times. On top of the shirt, there was a note which Dean hesitated to read.  
His hands were shaking and they were all watching him, in expectation.  
« _It now belongs to you, Dean, as I do, with everything that I am. Cass_ »  
« Shit ! » Dean looked down and felt breathless.  
What could have been considered a plain gift was actually the most precious one he could have received ; Dean knew the value of the words Cass had written, what they meant, what they implied. The emotions were so strong that he just couldn’t refrain from shaking and letting everyone show how overwhelmed he was.  
Cass had promised he wouldn’t ever tell him he loved him again, yet this was the most beautiful love declaration of all.  
Castiel had simply offered himself, body and soul, without asking anything in return.  
This shirt personified him, in a way… When he’d put it on, he would feel Cass… the one he would find in this piece of cloth which anyone but him would find insignificant ; the shirt of a man he loved but to whom he couldn’t confess.. he cursed himself for being so coward and full of prejudice.  
« Dean » He felt the gentle touch of Jo’s hand on his shoulder.  
He remained there, motionless, stooped, looking at nothing in particular.  
« I… I…» his eyes were shining with tears.  
He suddenly stood up and left without another word.  
« Did I miss something ? » Bobby asked, feeling a bit worried.  
Jo leaned over and grabbed the note. She read it, folded it and put it in the shirt’s chest pocket.  
The children looked at each other, smiled a little smile of complicity, which she noticed.  
Dean returned a little while later followed by Apache that had conceded his bone to Jack.  
Nobody asked any question… Jewel was playing with her coloring book, babbling with her brother. Both kids had kept the special white box at close proximity.  
Bobby had set the table for desert and Jo had put some order in the living room.  
The Christmas tree was on. All characters were now in the crib. Christmas Day started.  
He got an IM on his mailbox.  
« _Merry Christmas… No energy to call_ »  
Then there was a second one.  
« _Until tomorrow... I love you_ »  
Dean smiled and typed an answer.  
« _Until tomorrow… We miss you_ »  
Then he typed a second one  
« _I miss you_ »  
« Castiel sends his love to all » he said, putting his phone away.  
« Did you tell him we love him too ? » Jewel asked at once, looking up at her father.  
« Of course, Pumpkin. So, what about that desert ? ‘Cause I’m a little hungry now » he announced, looking at the children and rubbing his belly.  
« The ultimate bottomless pit ! » Bobby despaired.  
« I’m gonna fetch the cake and coffee »  
He discreetly watched as Jo took Dean’s hand in hers and squeezed it gently. He smiled, feeling a bit sad and let go to answer his daughter’s call for help.

  
   
www

  
   
They had never exchanged Christmas gifts in his family. Christmas was supposed to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, son of God. No Christmas tree either, to his father claimed it was a pagan tradition. Just an enormous crib where Castiel had the right to put Baby Jesus at midnight.  
The morning after, he would receive some Christmas pastries, nothing more.  
He had just started to celebrate Christmas with his classmates when he joined high school.  
And then with Tessa, when his own father had thrown him out so he had to crash at his friend and first lover’s place.  
I missed those Christmas. Even if Tessa had tried to grant him a semblance of festivities through invitations, it was never quite the same again.  
He went up to his bedroom at 1 a.m. He smiled at the little Mexican doll lying on his pillow. Mabel never forgot the occasion. And she would find her favorite perfume at her doorstep. It was so very little compared to the light she had brought into his life.  
He sat on his bed, crossed his legs and emptied the bag Chadwick had handed him.  
He first admired Jewel’s drawing, representing the whole family, standing in front of the Christmas tree. She had drawn him at the right of Dean, her brother and herself were standing on each side of the dog, in front of Dean.  
Balty, Jo and Bobby were standing in the back. He let out a brief giggle.  
Then he opened Chadwick’s gift. It was a small box with a strange symbol he didn’t recognize. He opened it and discovered a thin leather string with a small stone about 1 inch long attached to it through the center. There was a card and an explanatory note in the box. Chadwick had picked up a Tibetan agate amulet...a Dzi.  
He read the note :  
« _Merry Christmas, Castiel,_  
 _Nothing bad will happen to you ever again_  
 _This will protect you, always_  
 _We love you_  
 _Chad & Jewe_l »  
He squeezed the stone in his hand for a moment then put the bracelet on his wrist.  
   
He hesitated a few seconds before opening the last present. There was a card slided underneath the ribbon. It was one of those cheesy cards with a sparkling Santa. Dean must have found it at the last minute. He always felt a bit awkward with the season’s emotional display and Castiel found it very touching Dean had made an effort for him.  
He opened it and immediately recognized Dean’s writing, a little shaky.  
« _Cass,_  
 _Tessa offered me this, shortly after Jewel was born, telling me I had to keep it safe until, as she did, I’d find the one who would share my destiny. I told I had already found that person. She smiled and told me nothing was a certainty in this life and that we had to enjoy the moment as if it were the last and go on with our life, even if we lose the spirit, because fate always finds a way to put on our path someone to guide us and bring us back to the light._  
 _I didn’t understand what she meant back then. She was my life, my only destiny, my only guide. My light._  
 _But today, things have changed. My life changed and I understand what she had tried to tell me._  
 _You are that person, Cass._  
 _Thank you._  
 _Merry Christmas._  
 _Dean_ »  
He folded the card back and closed his eyes, savoring the words of the man who had been his beacon for the last ten years.  
Then he opened the box. A plain silver nib was lying on a piece of cotton wool.  
He grabbed his phone, but couldn’t resolve to talk to him.  
So instead, he started to write.

 

End of chapter


	23. And if...?

 

Each time, his absence was painful, yet it never was as much as this time.  
They had come home from Bobby the day after New Year’s and Castiel wouldn’t be back before the Thursday.  
Dean was counting the days with apprehension and impatience.  
What was he going to tell him?  
What was he going to do?  
The silences and unspoken words, the understatements and the smiles hidden in their written words, were leaving no doubts whatsoever. And if Castiel had opened up his heart, Dean started to cogitate again.  
What if ...  
Nevertheless, he missed Castiel and everything about him ; these few days listening to his bloody conscience had thrown him back into doubts and questions.  
Jo had called and had felt a lot of hesitations in his voice. Dean was running away again. Fear was eaten by fear once again.  
He’d repeat himself over and over again, until his brain was about to explode, that this kiss wasn’t a real one, that Castiel was a man, his best friend, that he could never cross that limit.  
He would never risk losing everything.  
What if he realized he didn’t love him and that their friendship was a peculiar one.  
What if all this was just a misunderstanding?  
Maybe Castiel wasn’t in love with him; he just clung to an impossible dream, a forbidden one.  
Maybe they were all fantasizing.  
   
Sitting in front of his coffee mug, he started to laugh, feeling heartbroken.  
« What if you’re nothing but a coward looking for excuses? » he said to himself.  
There was a bit of cowardice trying to overcome the will to dare and start an adventure with this man who had brushed away all his principles like nothing.  
He wouldn’t have felt so pathetic and feeling like crying. He was indeed looking for excuses to avoid the way he felt. He tried to imagine them both in the same bed, recalling all what he had talked about with Balty… He could never cross that border.  
He finally put down his mug and buried his face in his hands.  
« Cass » he heaved a long sigh.  
He couldn’t find a valuable reason to his reaction. Dean wasn’t just ready yet to love again.  
He felt a pressure on his thigh and saw Apache’s eyes staring at him.  
They say animals feel their master’s pain and despair. At this precise moment, the dog seemed to try and calm down Dean’s.  
He patted the animal’s head with one hand, his head resting on the other one.  
« Why have I done this, dammit? » he whispered, filled with regret of having given that kiss which had generated so many contradictions in his mind.  
« Everything was so simple before » he added, holding the top of his nose. « Look at me, here I am, whining like a girl, it’s so laughable» he refrained from laughing out loud.  
He looked at his watch and had the most craziest idea.  
Should he have been feeling normal, he would have slapped himself in the face.  
He had the day for himself as Jewel was at Marissa’s and Chadwick at Ty’s.  
He had to know for sure...  
Apache was awarded a short walk and then watched Dean preparing to leave, sitting in the middle of the living room.  
When the door closed, he lay down and heaved a profound sigh.  
If it had been human, it would have told him a few home truths!

  
   
www

  
   
He had put on a jeans and grey marled t-shirt underneath a black shirt. Leather boots and vest.  
A bit of perfume to feel comfortable and a shot of whiskey.  
During the drive, he had asked himself so many times about what he was about to do.  
He had visited this kind of place for ages, since he had met Lisa.  
But today, he had to know.  
What? That he was still a man, a real one? He asked himself, mocking himself.  
Before he found the time to answer his own questions, he parked in front of the private club where his friend Chuck had taken him after Tessa’s death, when he what stopped mourning and the time had come to love again.  
The « Meeting ». Chuck had proposed this simple solution : everyone here was looking for one-night pleasure only, very few were looking to find love, even if sometimes, there were some lasting happy endings.  
Back then, that was all Dean needed, as Tessa was still haunting him, he never wanted to build something new, just quench his need for sex.  
At first, he refused all encounters, he was still hurting and somehow, he was feeling ashamed to give in to envy. Yet the solitary pleasures, thinking of Tessa, were far from sound.  
He had to move on. Whether he wanted it or not, his sex life was part of his balance.  
In here, nobody was asking for more and that suited him just fine.  
He stood by the door for a long while, feeling he shouldn’t do this, but he couldn’t help it. He had to know.  
Because his latest dreams had turned a lot more explicit, waking him up with his hand on his cock, muffling a scream, fantasizing on blue eyes and slightly cracked lips.  
When he woke up, he felt filled with disgust leading to nausea and the physical urge to live the moment again and again.  
Sleep had started to elude him.  
He raised his hand and rang the bell. The club was open 24/7.  
« Hello Dean... It’s been a while » the doorman.  
« Hello, Matt » Dean replied, standing there, without moving.  
« Are you all right ? »  
« I shouldn’t be here » Dean finally said in a whisper.  
« Yet, if you’re here, it means you need it » Matt said with a wry smile. « Today’s your lucky day, Kate’s on duty » he added with a wink, holding the door wide open.  
Dean turned around, looked at his car one more time and walked inside the club.

  
   
www

  
   
It was a fast conclusion. She had smiled at him and dragged him to the bathroom. There were very clients during the day. The staff showed a bit more indulgence on misdemeanors during the day.  
Kate was a gifted one. With her legs squeezed around Dean’s waist, leaning on the sink with her skirt rolled up to her waist, she was expressing her pleasure in a rather noisy way.  
Yet, when Dean reached the point of no return, he stopped moving, leaving Kate in a state of frustration and grumbling against his lips.  
He pulled away from her and discreetly took off the condom.  
« Dean? » she sounded worried. « What’s the matter, darling ? » he had a strange look in the eyes.  
« Nothing… Can’t. That’s all » he said, buttoning up his pants.  
She frowned. She didn’t feel offended ; after all she wasn’t there to find her soul mate. But Dean’s expression was way too serene. She’d never known him like this.  
« I see » she finally said. « I was the ultimate test, wasn’t I ? » she ironically said, pulling down her skirt.  
« I wanted to refuse the obvious, I’m sorry Kate » he leaned over the sink, turned on the tap and washed his hands.  
« Forget it, it’s VERY frustrating, but it’s OK. What do you mean by obvious ? » She rearranged the band holding her pony tail.  
« I think all this is over for me now» he smiled for himself, leaning on the sink.  
« Dean finally found his match, who’d have thought ? So, does the lucky lady have a name ?» she asked, washing her hands in turn.  
« He has a name» he corrected without feeling embarrassed, because it was a simple as that.  
« Are you gay now ? » She asked, facing the mirror and putting on lipstick in a casual tone ; she wasn’t judging, just stating a fact.  
« I guess so » he laughed.  
« How long have you know him ? »  
« More than ten years » he squeezed the sink edges.  
« 10 years ! » she exclaimed. « What took you to long ? »  
« I was married and I loved my wife »  
« Tessa » He had spoken about her a few times in their after sex talks. He had felt to talk about her a few times, it was better than a cigarette.  
« Yes »  
« How did it happen? » she sounded genuinely perplexed.  
« Dunno » he ruffled through his hair. « I almost lost him… And all I could think of to hold him back was kissing him»  
« And ? »  
« And what ? » he turned to face her.  
« ...I liked it »  
« And all this… » she motioned the room around them « Why? Just to prove yourself you were still a man, a real one, even if you were changing sides? » She looked him in the eyes.  
« Yes… and no… I wanted to... » he looked down.  
« You wanted to deny the obvious, I know » she smiled.  
« I’m nothing but a coward »  
« Why is that so? »  
« Because all this is scaring me. Because I’m straight and he’s a man and I’m talking to you as I do with anybody else, except with him » he straightened and starting to pace in the room. « I’m completely lost »  
« So, stop thinking and start acting. It’s not really that different than fucking with a woman, you know »  
He looked at her, totally amazed.  
« Sex is sex… The only difference is what feeling you pour in the relationship»  
She straightened up too and prepared to leave the room.  
« C’mon... I’ll buy you a drink. On second thought, you’ll buy me a drink » she said, holding the door for him.  
« Kate ! »  
« Yes ? »  
« I’m so sorry »  
« Don’t be sorry… I’m happy for you, Dean. And one more thing » she said, leaving the room  
« What ? »  
« Next time you see him, don’t shillshally, kiss him for good» she made it for a table close to the counter.  
« I don’t know if I can »  
« Do you love the guy or not ? » she pulled up a chair.  
« It’s complicated » he sat down too.  
« You can’t come with a woman anymore, that should be your first clue, Sherlock » she waved at the barman.  
Dean blushed at Kate’s sentiments. She never felt uncomfortable talking about sex and her words were rarely polished.  
Suddenly, he wished he were somewhere else. He peeked at his watch. One more hour before he had to pick his kids at school.  
« Don’t try to weasel out of it » Kate stated.  
« I’m not trying to weasel out »  
« Talk to the hand… 2 shots of whiskey, straight, please » she ordered before the barman even had a chance to talk.  
Dean looked as he went to fetch their order, so he wouldn’t have to look at inquisitive eyes.  
« What ? » He felt a bit irritated.  
« Why did you come in here ? And please, no excuse ? Just the truth, Dean»  
He twisted his fingers, unable to find an answer.  
« Thinking of him gives you a hard-on, is that it ?» she smiled, leaning back in her chair.  
« Kate » Dean’s voice was a rumble and he looked around him, feeling uncomfortable.  
« What ?...There’s no one her except us and the barman and believe me, he heard a lot of worst stories »  
Dean felt the heat reaching his face.  
« By the look on your face, I’d say that’s a big yes »  
« I don’t wanna talk about it »  
« What shall we talk about then? Because, if you’ve noticed, this is the Meeting, right?» she smiled at the barman who had brought their glasses without a word nor a look.  
« Yes » he finally said in a whisper.  
« Yes, what ? » She was teasing him.  
« Kate... please » he looked daggers at her.  
« Dean having a hard on for a man. You just put an end to a myth »  
« Screw you » he pushed his chair back, intending to stand up.  
« Sit down, you idiot » she said in a gentle tone. « Does he have a name? »  
« It’s Cass » Dean replied, after a moment of hesitation.  
« Why am I not surprised ? » she sipped her drink. « Your friendship is rather special, well, at least from what I’ve heard from you »  
« I know »  
« And it all came to you, all of a sudden ? Oh, by the way, I’m in love with my old buddy Cass»  
« Kate » he didn’t appreciate her sarcasm.  
« What ? » She took another sip of her drink.  
« First of all, I don’t know what I really feel for him » he said, looking down at his glass.  
« Do you miss him when he’s not around ? »  
« Yes, I do » he finally confessed.  
« This and the fact that you have a hard-on when you think of him and no longer for chicks, I think it’s pretty clear to me »  
Dean looked at her, his eyes full of doubts.  
« Am I wrong ? » She asked, drink the last of her glass.  
« I suppose not but between fantasy and reality… »  
« ...there’s only one step » Kate finished his sentence before he had a chance to do so.  
« In this case, it looks like a ravine» Dean said, finishing up his whiskey.  
« You know, love also involved exploring...Nothing forces you to act immediately… There are so many ways to show your love each other… to learn to comprehend the unknown… Kisses, first soft then more profound… Gentle caresses, exploring the other’s body… then the more intimate ones… all this is done naturally, you’ll see… you’ll be surprised. All the rest is pure instinct. Listen to your body, Dean… It will tell you when to stop way before it’s too late. I’m sure you Cass loves you enough to give you time to breathe and understand»  
Dean had listened to her all the way. She smiled.  
« If, at first, you don’t feel able to do it, close your eyes, let him guide you. Don’t miss this opportunity. Letting cowardice rule your feelings will only lead to regrets»  
« He’s been my friend for so long… He’s a part of my family, he‘s the pillar of it. What if it goes wrong and I lose everything ?»  
« Yeah, and if wishes were horses… ya know » she raised her eyes. « Anyway, the damage is done, sort of »  
« I know » he emptied his glass.  
« What does he think of all this? Did you speak with him ? »  
« He loves me. I think he’s loved me for ever for that matter» he nodded. « He promised he would stay, even if I couldn’t share the way he feels »  
« That is what they call Love» Kate confirmed.  
« I don’t wanna play with him. If I finally understand we’re no match, what’s gonna happen to us? To him? »  
« He will finally be able to move on »  
« Without me » Dean said in a low tone.  
« Dean, you gotta decide what you really want in the end. You can already ruled out the option “best friend at home”. That kiss you shared changed it all »  
« I’m aware of that and it scared me because I can’t imagine my life without him but at the same time, I don’t feel ready to take the plunge for that reason only, you know what I mean ? »  
« I do… And I’m pretty sure he knows you well enough to understand, otherwise he would have left already»  
« Dammit. I’ve never talked about myself like this in ages, I don’t recognize myself » he heaved a long sigh. « It’s so complicated »  
« It’s very simple, Dean… It’s up to you now»  
« That’s the problem » he looked rather put out.  
« Trust your instinct as you did earlier » she said, pointing at the bathroom. « You couldn’t go through with it because you felt you were betraying him... And this has nothing to do with friendship »  
« Shit! » Dean sighed and put his head between his hands « Shit!! »

  
   
www

  
   
The rest of the week was quiet. The children were sharing their spare time between plays in their rooms and walks with Apache.  
Marissa spent the Wednesday afternoon with Jewel and Meg with Dean, talking about everything but Castiel.  
He wanted to elude the subject, he couldn’t manage his emotions. When the phone rang, he felt almost relieved to pass it on to the kids who wanted Castiel to come back as much as he wanted it.  
One person is missing and the place is deserted, Meg had said casually, while sipping her tea. Dean hadn’t reacted to the innuendo.  
Since his discussion with Kate, he found it even more difficult to sleep well. No need to add more stress and talk about his emotional doubts.  
Castiel would be back the next day and he felt so anxious that he had lost his appetite.  
For the last two days, he had hardly eaten anything, fear and anxiety had filled his soul.

  
   
www

 

Thursday arrived, too fast … or not enough. He had called to inform them he was on the road and should be home late afternoon.  
To forget how stressed he felt, Dean went to the garage and started to work on two cars that had to be given back to their owners at reopening. Kevin was absent until Saturday, so the place was free to work.  
Metallica resonated between the walls, in an attempt to silence the wild thoughts rumbling in his head.  
Meg and John had proposed to take the kids to the movies so he saw the perfect opportunity to escape from his house ; whatever, the shadows were following him until here…  
Castiel would be back soon...  
At 2 p.m., he hadn’t manage to do some good on the uncooperative engines and decided to go back home, with a knot in his belly.  
There was no way he could postpone the inevitable, je just hoped the children would be back before he arrived. He couldn’t stand in front of Castiel alone, he couldn’t face those eyes who would ask the question in silence.  
Is there a future for us ?  
He didn’t know what to answer to that...  
He took a long shower, lost in his thoughts. The closer the moment of the gathering, the more difficult he managed to remain calm. He kept nibbling his lip, pacing between the kitchen and the living room, with a beer in his hand.  
When Meg dropped the children at around 4 o’clock, she saw some relief in Dean’s eyes.  
« Are you sure you’re ok ? You’re acting kinda weird since you’re back »  
« Don’t worry… I’m tired, kinda of difficult year. I’m gonna be fine»  
« If there is anything I can do, don’t hesitate to call me, all right ?» she tried to make eye contact.  
« Promise » Dean extended a weak smile.  
Chadwick and Jewel sat in front of the television.  
« When does Castiel come home ? » The little girl asked.  
« Soon, Pumpkin. He left a message, stuck in a traffic jam, he’ll be there around 6 »  
« So long » she sighed.  
« I’m gonna prepare supper » Dean announced, heading for the kitchen, with Apache on his heels.  
   
He heard someone opening the door at the same instant he saw the dog suddenly jump on his feet.  
He closed his eyes, felt a pressure in his chest, his hands started to shake. All of a sudden, he started to shiver.  
Castiel was back. He heaved a long sigh.  
« C’mon, chin up, dammit » he said to himself, raising his head, trying to find the strength to move in the shadows on the ceiling.  
« Castieeeeeeeeeeel » Jewel shouted, jumping from the couch and running in his arms.  
He caught her and lifted her up and held her tight. Jewel nested her face in his neck.  
« You never go again, ok ?» she said, holding him as tight as she could.  
« For sure, I won’t, I missed you too much, Sweetie » he planted a kiss in her neck.  
The dog tried to get some stroke from his free hand and Castiel complied without hesitation.  
« Hi, handsome» He let Jewel down.  
He grabbed the dog’s cheeks and kissed his forehead.  
« Hi»  
He raised and saw Chadwick look at the bracelet. Then their eyes met.  
« I’m so glad you’re back» the boy said, running in his arms.  
« So am I, big boy » he put a hand on his shoulder while the other pressed the back of his neck.  
« I missed you all so much » Castiel closed his eyes and made acquaintance with their smell again.  
« We missed you too »  
He let go and turned around to face Dean.  
« Hi, Cass »  
« Hi, Dean »  
They stared at each other for a long while.  
« Nothing was the same around here without you » Dean said, taking Castiel in his arms. « Welcome home , buddy » he added, tightening his hug.  
« Thanks» Castiel held him tight as well.  
They remained in each other’s embrace for a while and the children exchange a look of complicity, the dog sitting at their feet.  
Dean patted Castiel’s back and finally gently pushed him away.  
« What do you say you get rid of your stuff upstairs and I finish preparing dinner ? I made chicken and I bought an apple pie for desert.»  
« I like that programme» Castiel acknowledged with a smile.  
« It won’t be as good as the one you baked, though » Dean added, addressing a wink to his daughter, « ...but you will have to cope with it» he said, looking again in Castiel’s eyes.  
« Chad, would you please help him get his luggage in his room while I heat our dinner ? »  
« Yes, Pa’ »  
Dean looked one more time at Castiel and put a squeezing hand on his shoulder.  
« Dammit, you’ll never know how much I missed you»  
« I missed you too, Dean » Castiel extended a tender smile at him.  
« Go ahead, I’ll take care down here » he finally said, wishing to put an end to a conversation he didn’t want to start in front of the children.  
   
Supervizing the beans cooking, Dean was trying to get hold of his emotions, mainly trying to analyze them.  
When he had seen Castiel, he had felt a huge relief; he was back, with them… At last.  
True to himself as usual, Castiel did everything he could to avoid making Dean uncomfortable, through gestures or looks referring to their silent exchanges during the holidays.  
Dean surprisingly found him very handsome when that huge smile was lightening up his face and turned his eyes into the genuine soul reflexion.  
He had enjoyed holding him in his arms, feeling his body heat against his and smelling that slightly musky scent. Suddenly, he recalled Kate’s words, she was right; he had plenty of time and a thousand options available.  
Nevertheless, he couldn’t deny the obvious : if a part of him wanted Castiel so much he was dreaming about it, he also couldn’t forget the fact that Castiel was a man and he was supposed to be straight.  
He had to speak with him, and the sooner the better. The more he was postponing their conversation, the harder it would be, and silence was the worst thing that could grow between them. That would surely destroy their precious bond with bitterness and regrets.  
He took a deep breath and prayed to find the courage to go ahead.  
Dinner was a pleasant moment when each told about their Christmas experience.

For the first time since he knew Castiel, he saw he had come back from his mother’s more relaxed than usual. He had told about the kiss and the days after that.  
His mother had finally accepted his son’s choices. She was getting old, alone, far from that only child, knowing nothing about him, refusing to hear about him until that day… Could it be the sign of God’s mercy and about forgiveness ? So, they had talked about it...  
Castiel had explained her how he had found he was attracted to boys, he had told her how painful it had been to feel rejected by his parents. She had told about her own pain to see her husband reject his own son and how shameful she had felt not to be able to hold him back. He talked about Michael, Balty and Dean.  
When he had kissed her goodbye, she had whispered « I love you » in his ear, and that was worth all the forgiveness in the whole world.  
Chadwick asked him why he wouldn’t invite her at their place. Castiel didn’t answer.  
« She’ll always be welcome here, Cass… You’re home here, it’s your mom, after all» Dean added.  
« I know, but.. » Castiel casually cut a piece of chicken. « It’s too soon yet » he smiled back at Dean.  
« As you wish ».  
After the meal, they all headed to the living room and savored their desert.  
Baby Jesus was installed in the crib and, in a few days, the Christmas tree would travel back in the garden again, hopefully surviving until the next festivities.

  
   
www

  
   
They stayed up late that night. The children refused to go to sleep and stuck like a leech to Castiel. Jewel was sitting at his feet and Chadwick was sitting close to him, with Dean on the other side, securing the personal space between Castiel and his father. Apache was lying next to the coffee table and was observing them with a distant eye.  
They talked for a long while and laughed a lot.  
Everything was back to normal. Their ordinary family had been reunited again.  
All they need was the five of them.  
Dean suddenly realized that nobody else would ever fit in their space.  
Nor Lisa, nor Zeke, because his family was right here and it was up to him to make it an ordinary one.  
He looked at Castiel laughing with Jewel and smiled  
Something strong weighed on his heart...  
At that precise moment, it felt really weird to realize he was in love with him.  
That revelation brought a smile on his face ; realizing that absence was painful, that being with him was good, that nobody else but him was important.  
Dean leaned forward and rested his head on his hands, his elbows resting on his knees. He was scared. More precisely, this whole situation was scaring the shit out of him. He let out a muffled giggle and nodded as he became aware.  
He, Dean Winchester, was in love with a man ; yet, would he be able to love him all the way ?  
He felt Castiel was looking at him but remained stooped.  
« Dean ? » Castiel called, a bit worried. « Are you all right? »  
« I’m fine... » Dean straightened his back. « Kids, would you please leave us for a moment, I need to talk to Castiel » he asked with a smile.  
« Are you gonna fight again ? » Jewel asked in a supplicant voice.  
« No Pumpkin. Why do you think we’re gonna fight ? We’re all together now, we’re good, right ? »  
« Oh yes, we are » she replied with a huge smile on her face.  
« Anyway, it’s almost 11 p.m., time to go to bed now » he put a hand on his son’s shoulder.  
He looked at Castiel who wasn’t smiling anymore.  
Dean winked at him.  
« Good night, Pa’ »  
« Good night, Son »  
« Good night, Castiel... I’m glad you’re back, it felt so strange not having you around»  
« I’m happy to be back, my angels »  
« ‘Night, Daddy » Jewel gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and immediately after jumped in Castiel’s arms.  
« I love you... Good night »  
« I love you too, Sweetie » he replied, kissing her on the forehead  
« Go ahead now »

  
   
www

  
   
They were sitting next to each other. A heavy silence grew between them and Dean found it hard to start a conversation.  
« You wanted to talk to me ? » Castiel finally said, putting an end to a very uncomfortable moment between them.  
« Dammit… I gotta tell you, this is so hard for me. I don’t know where to begin ». He tried to avoid looking at him, afraid he would lose whatever courage left he had.  
He closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh.  
« I went to the « Meeting » he finally confessed after a few seconds.  
He could feel the tension in Castiel’s body yet acted as if hadn’t noted anything.  
« I met Kate… and… we… » He nibbled his bottom lip.  
« You fucked her » Castiel finished with a bitter tone.  
Surprised by the tone of his voice and particularly the word he had used, Dean raised his eyes towards him. He didn’t know what to say, unabashed by the despair he read in Castiel’s eyes.  
« Yes » he replied, looking at him in the eye.  
He saw the efforts Castiel was making not to crack up, keep some sort of dignity and remain silent.  
« But I couldn’t go all the way… I just couldn’t… because… » He rubbed his face « Because I felt like I was betraying you »  
« Betraying me ? » Castiel asked, his voice very low.  
« Listen, Cass... I gotta be honest with you »  
Castiel let out a little laugh feeling a bit perplexed.  
« I care about you and … »  
He tried to breathe normally.  
« Dammit, this is so hard»  
He stood up and rubbed his hands on his jeans. Castiel looked at him, waiting, without expecting anything in return.  
« That kiss… that damned kiss… I loved it, Cass... » he finally said, looking him in the eyes. Cass didn’t react.  
« From that moment, I haven’t stopped asking myself so many questions… Shit, I’m a straight guy. I’ve never been attracted by men. But then again, you’re not any man. You’re my best friend, a member of my family » Dean felt a wave of panic grow inside him, he was speaking too fast, too loud. Castel hadn’t moved an inch.  
« HOLY SHIT, SAY SOMETHING, DAMMIT ! » Dean couldn’t bear Castiel’s inertia any longer. « I’m telling you that I’m attracted to you, that I’m turning gay because of you and all you do is sitting there like a stupid jerk… Say something… Anything like « shit » or « I hate you », but talk » Dean’s voice broke with emotion.  
« Do you love me, Dean? » Castiel asked, without moving an inch.  
His attitude left Dean standing there helpless.  
« Because I do love you so much I could die and I couldn’t stand you rejecting me after you gave me some reason to hope » Dean had to listen carefully as Castiel’s voice seemed so distant.  
« A kiss shared in a moment of despair isn’t enough for me anymore… It’s just not enough, Dean »  
« Cass » He kneeled before him.  
« I prefer to stop right here if you don’t feel like going any further… I want you, do you understand that ? I’ve wanted you for so long… I need you »  
« Cass » Dean gently forced him to raise his chin and remained speechless when he saw the tears his friend was trying to hold back. « I promised I would tell you the truth, so here it is and you’ll decide for both of us… I can’t promise you I’ll forget you’re a man » he started looking down, «....and even if I cross that line, I’m not sure I could go all the way to… It’s one thing to want someone, but it’s another to share more intimacy… I’m scared, Cass… I’m so scared not to be able to love as you deserve to be loved… Not to be able to give you what you need… it’s hard to think about a man’s body that way, you know… But I want you to know that what I feel for you is real, and I feel as attracted to it as I feel repelled… Forgive me, Cass » he said, knowing that his words were so painful for Castiel to hear.  
Without another word, he saw Castiel’s hands move down on his lap.  
« I don’t know if… if… dammit ! » Dean, put a hand on Castiel’s knee « I don’t know whether I’ll be able to touch you one day or… » His words died in his throat when he saw Castiel’s hand move up and caress his hair, very softly. A shiver ran down his spine.  
« It’s so surrealist » Dean whispered, feeling totally lost.  
« Is it so hard to say the words? Sex, caresses, kisses » Castiel whispered with a little mocking smile.  
« Dammit, Cass… If you only knew… To hear them like that is a real torture for me » he laughed, although he was feeling extremely nervous.  
« Would you be ready to make that effort for me ? And try to love me ? » Castiel asked.  
« I’d love to think I’ll be strong enough to do so, but will you be patient enough to wait for me ? »  
Castiel smiled and gently forced him to look up.  
« Will you be ready to hear that I may not be able to go any further ? Because I can’t stand the idea of losing you, you know that, right? »  
« I know, Dean... » he said, raising a hand and gently rubbing his cheek. « You will never lose me ».  
Blue eyes met emerald ones. Dean raised a hand behind his neck, pulled him close and put his forehead against his.  
« I’d die if you let me go away... So, if you can’t take the risk to love me in return, let’s stop right now right here, because I’d hate to break everything between us or hurt you »  
« If you want to hold this tomorrow, we’ll hold it... » Castiel said in a whisper.  
« Are you ready ? » Dean said, a bit surprised « Are you ready to try the impossible… to love a straight macho guy full of doubts ? » Dean went on with a sad smile.  
« I’m ready to try and be loved by that guy» Castiel said, palming his head in his hands. « I love you, Dean Winchester »  
« I can’t say the words, Cass » He pressed his forehead a bit more against Castiel’s, holding his head in his hands too.  
« That’s all right, Dean »  
The latter opened his eyes… Attraction, repulsion… He closed them again and their cheeks caressed each other and suddenly he felt his breath on his lips.  
Filled with hesitation and clumsiness, his lips met Castiel’s and soon he let him guide him from a delicate chaste kiss.  
Dean pulled from him and smiled. He opened his eyes. « I think we can move to the next lesson »  
Castiel started to laugh.  
Dean pulled away a bit further and stared at him for a while. Then he moved closer again and closed his eyes when his lips met Castiel’s one more time.  
The latter let his tongue caress Dean’s lips and after a few seconds of hesitation, Dean finally let Castiel take the lead.  
It was a strange sensation to feel a man’s tongue play with his ; he hesitated between getting into it a bit deeper and push the man’s lips away with force... he was fighting all the contradictions in his heart, lost between disgust and desire, yet after those few seconds, he let go and forgot it was a man kissing him, only recalling one things: he was the one who had started this... again.  
He let Castiel sweep him away and started to really enjoy it, moaning with pleasure, deliciously intoxicated by Castiel’s taste.  
He felt Castiel’s smile on his lips.

  
.  
What if...  
What if he was able to love again ?...

 

End of chapter

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I think we can officially call it a Destiel from now on…  
> See you in two weeks and thank you for reading me  
> love you


	24. The silent look

 

They decided not to disclose their relationship to anyone just yet.  
Castiel smiled... What was there to disclose, anyway ? He’d been back for two weeks… and Dean had come to him … and all this time, he was lost between hope and the feeling to put an end to it all.  
There was a certain discomfort in those evasive looks, those furtive and discreet gestures, those subdued smiles.  
Castiel decided to take the lead in their weird relationship as it seemed obvious Dean was totally lost, torn apart between desire and denial.  
   
The very day after his return home and after the first kiss that was the first of a long series, Castiel took the habit of joining him every morning before the kids got up. As usual, Dean was leaning on the counter or the table, preparing breakfast, as he had been doing for the last three years.  
It was a moment Dean was waiting for, feeling both febrile and anxious, that very moment when Castiel would delicately kiss his neck and stand behind him for a few seconds, waiting for a word or a gesture.  
Very often, Dean would close his eyes, unable to utter anything else than a " Hey Cass " which he tried to turn as tender as possible.  
Sometimes, he would feel brave enough to turn around and grant him a kiss on the lips with a smile.  
And sometimes, like today, he would let go all together and kiss him with passion, greeting Castiel’s hand on his hips and his fingers on his skin. He felt ready to lose himself and Castiel was then starting to hope again.  
Dean was fighting with his inner turmoil and the idea of their bodies touching each other, sharing the desire burning inside him and the almost-repulsion he felt when he realized that these passionate kisses could lead to something he wasn’t quite ready for yet, thinking maybe he’d never be.  
Each time Dean felt his body reacting, he would sense the fear crawling inside again. He would then push Castiel away, sometimes a bit harshly. And they would do as they had done before, foreheads against each other, hand on the back of the neck, to regain control, to deny the other’s body… to apologize...  
Castiel would smile, once more, and tell him it was all right, although each fiber in his body was screaming otherwise.  
Today, he would have to cope with only one look.  
Castiel rested his cheek in Dean’s hand and closed his eyes.  
" All I can do is make you suffer " the latter said, his fingers softly brushing Castiel’s lips. He turned around and leaned on the counter. " Why do you keep hoping for more? " his voice almost broke up with emotion.  
" Because you keep offering me you neck every morning and your lips every night " Castiel said with a light smile on his lips, stretched between tenderness and fatalism.  
" This ain’t funny, Cass " he clenched his fists. He felt Castiel come closer and cling to him. He felt a sudden shiver and cursed himself for it.  
Castiel’s hands took hold of Dean’s and their fingers interlaced.  
Dean closed his eyes, leaning his head when he felt the kiss n the back of his neck.  
" We’ll take all the time we need "  
Dean felt Castiel’s smiling mouth on his skin and smile in turn.  
" Are you still ready to try the impossible with a macho straight guy full of doubts ? " Dean said in a sad smile.  
" More than ever " Castiel replied, planting a last kiss in his neck.  
Dean couldn’t help but shiver again when he felt the warmth of the other body abandon him.  
" I’m gonna wake up the kids " Cass announced, as he left him alone in the kitchen.  
Dean didn’t move an inch, then, in a fit of rage and frustration, he crashed the bowl in the sink.  
" SHIT! "  
   
On that particular morning, they had nothing but toasts for breakfast.  
" What happened to the bowl? " Chadwick asked, with an innocent voice, looking at the sink filled with crepe batter.  
" Nothing… It… slipped " Dean mumbled.  
His son side glanced his sister and smiled.  
" May I know what’s so funny ? " Dean asked, putting his cup on the table.  
" Nothing " Chadwick nodded.  
" Nothing at all " his sister added, sipping her orange juice.  
Castiel observed the children’s attitude and their eyes, conspicuously going from their father to him. He finally stared at Chadwick and knew. He knew that look all too well.  
" How long ? " he simply asked.  
" Since the beginning " the boy said, taking a bite in his toast.  
" Would you invite me to the conversation? " Dean said, waving at the children.  
" They know " Castiel whispered.  
" What do they know ? " Dean seemed totally lost.  
" Dean... They KNOW " he said, leaning on the table, chin in his palm, staring at him. Yet Dean didn’t seem to get it yet.  
" Err… What ? " He raised an eyebrow, begging for an explanation.  
Castiel waved his hands between them.  
" What ? " Dean looked stunned." You… But how ? " he stammered, looking at the children.  
" Dad… We live here, remember ? " his son signed, raising his eyes.  
" But... " He turned to Castiel with a desperate look. " Since when ? " He asked, looking at Chadwick, fidgeting on his chair. " Since when ? " he asked again, totally panicked.  
" Since Zeke " his son replied with a mocking smile.  
" Because you shouted very hard " Jewel said, all too seriously.  
" Oh shit ! " Dean leaned back on his chair, rubbing his face with his hands.  
" And also, when Castiel came back home " His daughter added, looking for a confirmation in her brother’s eyes.  
" You shouted too, then " Chadwick smiled.  
Dean stood up and turned around, leaning on the sink.  
" Why didn’t you say anything? " Castiel finally asked.  
" We were waiting for you or Dad to talk about it" the boy said, with a hardened face. " But you never said anything… Ever… Why ? " He looked really puzzled.  
" Because it’s… complicated " Dean finally admitted, looking down.  
" What’s so complicated ? " the boy went on, frowning. Castiel was listening to the conversation, with a little smile on his face. Chadwick was the stubborn kind and obviously hurt by the silences. All he wanted was answers to simple questions, even if he had to push his father to the limit and make him face his own doubts.  
" I don’t wanna talk about this with you "  
" Why not ? "  
" Because ! " his voice turned a bit harder.  
" WHY NOT ?" Chadwick repeated, sounding more aggressive, folding his arms.  
" CHAD " Dean now sounded really pissed.  
The boy was standing there, in front of his father, facing him in a defiant attitude. He needed the answer and he would get it for sure.  
Jewel was observing them, looking puzzled, nibbling her toast.  
" Because it’s about Castiel, and because he’s a man, is that it ? Are you scared or ashamed. Tell me!" Chadwick was defying his father openly.  
He was waiting for his reaction. The tension between them grew a bit more. Dean felt trapped.  
" Because this is none of your business " Dean finally uttered in a neutral tone, looking daggers at his son. " And from now on, I’d appreciate you speak to me in a different tone, young man... I don’t wanna hear another word till the end of breakfast or I’ll get mad for good " he said, hitting the table with the palm of his hand, which made the cups and cutlery jingle all at once.  
" DEAN " Castiel tried to gently intervene.  
" And YOU’d better not interfere. This is between ME and MY SON. This is none of your damn business !" Dean shouted, pointing a threatening finger at him.  
He felt lost the very second he saw the sadness fill Castiel’s eyes.  
" Cass... I... I... "  
Before he could say another word, Castiel had left the room.  
" Dammit. What an asshole " he said, rubbing his face, leaning back on his chair. " I’m such an idiot " His voice was broken with emotion.  
The main door banged. Chadwick and his father startled.  
Jewel was about to cry and remained silent. Her brother felt extremely uncomfortable and eventually unfolded his arms, avoiding his father’s look.  
   
A heavy silence grew for a while. Jewel didn’t dare to leave the table and sat there with her hands on her lap. Chadwick was staring at his father who hadn’t moved an inch, resembling a frozen statue.  
" Pa' ? " he finally tried to call, worried by the long silence.  
" Go and get ready… I’ll drive you to school " he said in an almost inaudible voice, feeling calm again.  
" Where’s Castiel ? " Jewel asked, looking at her brother with begging eyes. " Is he mad at us ? " she went on, her lips trembling with contained emotion.  
" No he’s not, Pumpkin " Dean straightened, looking so tired now, staring at nothing in particular. " It’s my fault, not yours."  
" Pa' ? " his son was trying to start a conversation again.  
" Go prepare your stuff or you’ll be late ". He pinched the bridge of his nose in an exhausted gesture.  
   
The children stood up without another word.  
" Chad " Dean called before they left the kitchen.  
" Yes, Dad ? "  
" I’m sorry, son. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that" he apologized, looking him in the eye.  
" That’s ok" the boy managed to smile.  
" No, it’s not… You were right… We... " he looked down. " I should have told you… We’re a family, you’re my kids, I should have said something, but... "  
" You know, Dad " his son interrupted him as Dean looked up, "... Even it feels weird to see you… together like… well, you and him… Jewel and I " Dean didn’t react, " ...you don’t have to worry. We think it’s OK, to see you two like this " He smiled and left.  
Dean remained on his chair, invert, unable to move an inch. He probably has lost everything meanwhile they had accepted it all, simply because they loved him.  
   
Lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear the door open and didn’t see the dog run in the kitchen.  
He was sitting there, with his hands joined on the table, totally lost. He didn’t even have the strength to cry or shout… His heart was numb.  
He didn’t see him walk closer, grab a chair and sit next to him.  
He was disconnected, white-faced, his lips almost white as if the blood had left his body.  
" Dean " the hoarse voice called. " Dean ? " he felt a hand take his. He looked at their hands without reacting at first. Then he understood.  
Castiel was back. He interlaced his fingers to his as if he was afraid to see him run away again.  
" Cass " he answered in a broken voice. " What’s the matter with me? " he asked, entwining their fingers some more.  
" Dean... Look at me " Castiel put his other hand under his chin to force him to look up and turn to him.  
Dean refused to look up, though, feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and most of all scared... He was afraid of the judgment, the end, an end to their relationship.  
" Cass "  
On an impulse, without looking for a reason, without hesitation, because he was dying to do it, because he wanted to show what he couldn’t say, he grabbed his face in his hands and, before Castiel could react, he pressed his lips against his.  
It was a violent and desperate kiss… Their teeth banged on each other, their tongues were dancing a passionate ballet… Dean finally pulled away, breathless, yet kept his hands on Castiel’s face.  
" Forgive me, Cass "  
Dean felt Castiel’s hands grabbing his, trying to set his face free.  
" I went to the park with Apache...Go to work… I’ll take care of the kids " he said in a neutral voice.  
Dean stared at Castiel, looking somewhat surprised.  
" Never again, Dean " he said in a calm yet firm tone. " Or I swear I’ll break my promise ".  
When he stood up, he felt Dean’s hand grab his.  
" We’ll talk to the kids tonight... "  
" To tell them what ? "  
" To tell them about us " Dean said, as if it had really become an obvious fact.  
" So, there is a « us » now ? " Castiel’s eyes were filled with sadness.  
" There’s always been « us », Cass...Always " he refused to let go of his hand.  
" You’ll fetch the kids this afternoon. I’ll come home late. You’ll have time to talk to them, if you find the courage to do so." He freed from Dean’s hand who felt like he’d been slapped in the face. " See you tomorrow "  
Dean looked at him, but did nothing to hold him back, feeling like he had let him escape. And it left such a bitter taste in his mouth.  
" Give me another chance, I’m begging you " he simply whispered.

  
   
www

  
   
Castiel dropped the children at school in a heavy silence. He told them their father would pick them up, that he wouldn’t have supper with them and that he would probably come home late.  
" Castiel ? " Chadwick sounded worried.  
" See you tomorrow, Chad " Castiel gave him a smile.  
" It’s all my fault " the boy said as he stepped out of the car, Jewel following without a word.  
Castiel caught up with him on the pavement.  
" You’re not responsible...Do you hear me, Chad... Your sister and you are not responsible. This is between me and your father " he grabbed the boy’s shoulders. " You’ve done nothing wrong " he squeezed him a bit tighter.  
" Are you mad at him ? " Chadwick asked. Castiel didn’t answer. " He loves you very much, you know "  
Castiel felt his heart clench.  
" Don’t leave him, please" the boy set free.  
Castiel looked at him running towards the entrance, without a last look behind him, followed by Jewel who had been waiting for her brother.  
She waved at Castiel, feeling shy. He waved back as a reflex without really looking at her.  
   
He cancelled his lunch rendez-vous with Madison, without an explanation, did some extra hours at the office and ended up in a gay bar, even if he didn’t really wanted to be there or drink anything.  
A clumsy young man approached him and offered him a beer. Castiel found the boy touching and accepted to spend a little time with him, trying to forget the fact he had to go home soon to the only man he actually desired and who was refusing to come to him.  
He stood up and apologized. He would go home sooner than expected, after all.  
He missed him....  
Tonight, he would fantasize again his desires.  
   
Dean spent the day at the garage, engaged in a casual occasional conversation with Kevin and Franck. They had been harshly rebuffed and they stayed at a distance from their boss. They knew him well enough to feel the message when to stay away.  
Dean left to fetch the kids from school, entrusting the business to Frank without even asking him if he was OK with it.  
He was as little talkative during the ride home and the kids didn’t ask any question about Castiel for the rest of the day.  
As they were taking their bath, Dean ordered in a Chinese supper, as he wasn’t in the mood for cooking.  
He missed him.

  
   
www

  
   
He was looking distractedly at his children sitting in front of the television and watching a cartoon, Apache lying at their feet... He turned to his left and saw the empty space. If he had been there, he would have invaded his personal space and felt his warmth.  
The children had already acknowledged what he refused to admit. Castiel and him were more than friends; they actually had always been more than that.  
He heaved a long sigh and stood up, as Chadwick was watching him.  
He grabbed a beer and sat in the kitchen staring at the clock on the wall… 20:30  
His son observed him for a long while as his father was leaning back in his chair, rolling the bottle in his fingers, without even drinking, lost in his introspection, asking himself questions that remained unanswered…. Waiting for God knows what, peeking at his telephone that didn’t show any message… Perhaps waiting for the sound of the key in the front door, announcing he was back. But… nothing happened.  
" Dad' ? " Chadwick finally called, joining him.  
Dean startled.  
" Hey, big boy. How long have you been standing there ? "he asked, forcing himself to smile.  
" A while " the boy walked closer. " Are you OK ? " Worry was all over his little face.  
" Not really " Dean answered, trying not to laugh at the irony of his situation.  
" He’ll come back, for sure. He always does " the kid said, leaning with both hands on the table.  
" I know " Dean said, avoiding his boy’s eyes.  
A brief silence grew between them, his son wishing to let his father a chance to elaborate, but the latter seemed so tired.  
He stretched his legs and crossed his feet, holding his bottle on his lap.  
" How does it feel to see your father with another man ? " Dean said, relieved at last to have been able to say the words, yet anxious that his son might look at him with disgust or reject him.  
" I told you, Jewel and I… "  
" Chad " Dean interrupted. " I’m asking what YOU think, not what you think I wanna hear" he said looking at him in the eye. " Tell me the truth. I need it "  
Chadwick had that little face twitch that made Dean smile, he rubbed the back of his neck… like father, like son...  
" The truth, Chad "  
" Do you remember when you had a fight with Castiel, you know, because of that Zeke "  
" Yeah, how could I forget that day? " he recognized with a half smile.  
" We heard you fight with Castiel. We had gone out of our room and we saw you kiss him " he said, feeling a bit uncomfortable.  
Dean smile that sad smile and straightened.  
" So, you and your sister talked about it ? "  
" Yes "  
" And ? " Dean was waiting for more.  
" Nothing... "  
" Chad, I’ve asked you to tell me the truth "  
" It is the truth, Dad " his son replied, raising his eyes at him.  
" Chad, why don’t you tell me what you really feel about this... " Dean was leaning on his knees, looking down, expecting the final verdict... possibly a denial that would put an end to his illusions. Because if his relationship with Castiel, as clumsy as it was, was likely to endanger the well-being of his kids, he would for sure put an end to it, however it might hurt. He also knew that Castiel would agree, as he had confirmed several times.  
He felt a twinge in his heart and a loud thump resonating in his ears.  
" When I saw you kiss him the first time " the boy started with hesitation, " I found it... " he took a deep breath, knowing he would hurt his father, " I found it disgusting " he finally admitted, nervously twisting his fingers.  
Dean’s grasp tightened around the bottle. His world was collapsing.  
" Jewel thought it was great " Chadwick mocked. " I didn’t find this… great " he repeated with a bit of sarcasm emphasizing the last word.  
Silence....  
" ...But when he brought the Christmas tree home… When we were in the garden… it was like before " he smiled, lost in his own memories.  
" What do you mean, like before? " Dean asked, raising his head, unable to get where his son was heading.  
" Like… when Mom was still with us"  
" Chad " Dean’s voice suddenly broke with emotion.  
" It’s OK if it’s a man, you know " he walked closer to his father. " It’s just that… it feels weird"  
" I know " Dean took his son’s wrists in his hands.  
" When I saw you two kiss each other, It was... " the boy laughed, feeling uncomfortable, even blushing a little.  
" Does it upset you? "  
" Yeah… But I didn’t like it either when you kissed Lisa "  
" You’re upset because I’m dating someone else… Because of Mom ? "  
Chadwick looked down. Dean pulled him in his embrace.  
" And you believe I’m going to forget her ? Or replace her? Is that it?"  
" I don’t know… No, I... "  
" Chad " Dean put a finger under his chin, forcing him to look at him.  
" I loved your mother. I will always love her. She’s a part of my life. You’re a part of hers "  
" I know "  
" It’s just that… I’m feeling good when I’m with him, you know what I mean ? "  
Chadwick nodded.  
" It feels weird for me too, actually " he pulled his son and sat him on his lap. The boy didn’t try to escape.  
" But if you and your sister are... " he rested his chin in his son’s neck. " Then I’m... " He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by a weve of powerful emotions all of a sudden.  
" Dad…' " the boy played with his father’s fingers, as he was trapped between his arms.  
" It felt strange at first, but I’m OK with it now… sort of " Chadwick smiled. " He loves you, you know..." he whispered, as his father hadn’t said a word.  
" Really ? And how would you know that ? " Dean asked in tone between sadness and amusement.  
" Because he looks at you just the way Mom did " the boy replied, after a short hesitation.  
Dean tightened his embrace, deeply touched by his son’s revelation.  
" Do you love him? " Chadwick asked at last.  
Dean took a moment to answer.  
" I care about him "  
" Dad ! " Chadwick turned to look at him in the eye.  
" Are you aware you’re talking to your father. We shouldn’t even have this conversation at all. This world’s gone crazy. You should rather tell me about that girlfriend of yours, you know, the dancer "  
" Dad, I’m not a little boy anymore " Chadwick frowned.  
Dean squeezed him tight.  
" I know. But I don’t have to like it "  
" And ? " the boy went on, pulling apart from the embrace.  
" And what ? "  
" You didn’t answer my question "  
" Because I don’t wanna discuss this with an eleven year old boy who has to cope with the fact his own father is in love with another man "  
A smile of victory stretched Chadwick’s lips.  
" What ? "  
" You’ve just said you love him"  
" Pardon ? "  
" To cope with the fact his own father is in love with another man… You’ve just admitted it " the boy quoted his words with a tender smile.  
Dean choked and laughed.  
" You know, Dad, even if it feels weird to see you with a… man, I know I’ll get used to it, because it’s him. It’s just that… you’re my father " the boy said, twisting his father’s shirt, the way he did when he was little.  
" I’m aware I’m asking you a lot, Son, and I’m sorry. It fell on me with no warning. I’d have preferred to fall in love with a woman. It would have been simpler for everyone. But it was a man " he laughed, perplexed." Besides, it had to be Cass.... "  
He heaved a deep sigh as the revelation reached his brain.  
" He’s my second chance, do you understand ? "  
" I do, Dad "  
" I never imagined I’d have this kind of discussion with you, let alone anyone else, for that matter... ".  
" I’m glad we finally talked " Chadwick said, jumping back on the floor. " And I’m glad it’s Castiel "  
" Really? " Dean was still a bit worried.  
" Yeah… We are a family and I love him too " Chadwick granted his father a last smile and walked out of the kitchen.  
Dean felt a wave of relief fill his heart and the pain leave his soul.  
" Cass " he peeked at the clock on the wall.  
He stayed back a little while longer, finishing his beer then joined his kids.

He stopped short at the living room. There he was, sitting on the couch, Jewel cuddling against him and Chadwick sitting across the coffee table.  
They were chatting. Dean didn’t even try to understand what they were talking about. All he was watching was in front of his eyes, Castiel and his children....  
His family... His life...  
Castiel turned his head and looked at him. They didn’t have to talk. The words were right there, filling their silent visual exchange.  
" C’mon, Jewel, it’s time " the boy said  
" Already ? " the little one whined.  
" Yep. Let’s go " he pulled her up.  
" See you tomorrow " She kissed Castiel  
" See you tomorrow, Sweetie " he shuffled through her hair.  
" ‘Night " Chadwick said, suddenly feeling a bit shy  
" Good night, Chad”  
They waved at their father who hadn’t moved an inch and ran upstairs, leaving the men alone, face to face.  
   
" Did you see that ? I finally managed to do it " Dean said with a shy bravado.  
" Yeah, I saw that "  
" As for what happened this morning... " Dean looked down, unable to speak any further.  
" Forget it. It’s OK" he stood up and walk to him.  
" Cass... I’d love to be able to give you more than this, so much more. But… " Castiel put a finger on his lips, preventing him from speaking any further.  
" I’ll wait till you feel ready, and when you are, we’ll cross that bridge together. I know how hard it is for you to cope with being attracted to another man’s body "  
" A man who used to be my best friend, remember?" Dean said with a bit of irony, trying to lighten the mood between them.  
" I’m still your best friend, Dean. I’ll always be… one does not preclude the other. Love is like friendship, with some sex on top of it, right ?" Castiel laughed.  
" I’d like to point out that I don’t feel like sleeping with all my friends " Dean laughed in turn.  
" Does that mean you’d like to sleep with me, Dean? " Castiel mocked him, trying to keep serious. Dean felt he was blushing like a teenager.  
" I’d like to be able to come to you and love you " the latter answered, suddenly feeling uncomfortable.  
Castiel raised a hand and caressed his cheek.  
" Would you like to watch a good old John Wayne movie ? " he said with a smile.  
" Chisum ? " Dean proposed, tentatively.  
" I’d prefer Rio Bravo " Castiel winked.  
" Because of Ricky, admit it"  
" You got it! "  
" Cass "  
" Yes, Dean ? ".  
" I... No... Nothing... You want a beer ? "  
" I’d love that " Castiel smiled.  
They sat next to each other, with a pack of chips marking off the personal space between them.  
After a few minutes, Dean looked down, took the pack and put it on the coffee table.  
" Come here " he said, tapping on the space next to him. Castiel hesitated for a second and moved closer.  
No arm around the waist, no head resting on the shoulder. Just two men, sitting next to each other, with their feet on the coffee table, discussing about an old movie, shoulder to shoulder.  
At the end of the movie, they looked at each other for a long while. Then Dean leaned over and kissed him.  
He still felt uncomfortable and hated being unable to manage the feeling, but he loved kissing Castiel and savored the taste of his mouth. Besides, that kiss was the least he could offer him right now.  
Castiel pushed him backwards and returned his kiss with even more passion.  
" Cass " Dean gently pushed him away.  
" I know " the other said, with a hoarse voice, pulling back. " Anyway, I gotta go to sleep, I’m dog tired. This has been a peculiar day "  
" I’m sor… "  
Castiel silenced him with another kiss.  
" Good night, Dean "  
" Night, Cass " he kissed him one more time, quickly and didn’t look as Castiel left the room.  
Lying on the couch, he stared at the ceiling for a long while, his forearm resting on his eyes. He took a deep breath. Castiel’s body pushing on his had awaken a swell of desire growing somewhere further down.

He peeked his watch... 23 :30...  
" Shit ! " He snatched his phone from his pocket.  
And typed a message.  
" Need to talk to you "  
After a few seconds, the reply beeped...  
« When ? »  
« ASAP »  
" I’m free tomorrow, lunch time "  
" Perfect. Pizza, at my place ?"  
" I’d prefer French toast "  
Dean smiled.  
" Txs. Sry for the late message. C.U.tomorrow. ‘night "  
" I was in the middle of a sexual intercourse, but that’s OK. See ya "  
Dean couldn’t help but laugh. The guy would never change. They actually missed him since he had moved in with Bryan, earlier that year.  
   
" Who was that ? " a sleepy voice mumbled.  
" Dean " he put the phone back on the table.  
" At this time of night ! " the man said, a bit worried.  
" He wants to see me "  
Bryan raised up on one elbow.  
" Do you believe he’s.... "  
" I don’t believe anything.... I’m not hoping for anything either... "  
" Did you get some news from Castiel ? "  
" None in the last year "  
" Is that a good sign or not ? "  
" We’re talking about Cassie, right... "  
" And ? "the man tapped his nose.  
" Nothing... " Bryan kissed his lover on the forehead. " But now, I don’t feel like sleeping anymore " he said with shining eyes.  
" Balty " the other nodded. " I’ve got an important appointment at 9 tomorrow. I need to get some sleep if I’m to show up before my bank adviser and not looking like a zombie "  
" Yeah… sure " Balty said with a wry smile, pulling up the sheet and diving underneath.  
Bryan heaved a sigh and leaned back on the pillow, closing his eyes and nibbling his lip.

 

End of chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First and foremost, thank you to read this story. Love you  
> Then I wanted to point out that the next chapter will be posted in three weeks instead of two.  
> I will be in Supernatural convention in Paris and my translator must be operated of his shoulder (thoughts for her)  
> thank you for your understanding  
> Hope to see you in 21 days  
> Happy Easter


	25. Being afraid of the Unknown

 

They all gathered for breakfast the morning after. The mood was happy, the tension was gone, and they had said what they had to say, nothing more to hide. In the end, nothing seemed to have changed in the view of the children, Now that they had said the words, routine was back again, as if nothing had happened.  
Dean had never been the expressive kind of guy, particularly when his feelings were concerned, even during the years he had spent with Tessa. So there was nothing different between him and Castiel. Except what had led to their deeper bond, long look exchange, silences that were more eloquent than words.  
The children had always known these attitudes; today, there were able to grasp the meaning of it all.  
The only thing that changed was their place at the table. Dean was now sitting at Castiel’s right, where Balty used to sit.  
Jewel in front, Chadwick facing Castiel... like an unspoken recognition.  
So this morning, they were savoring cereals and yogurt, while planning activities for the following Sunday. It had been snowing a lot over the last few days and the young ones wanted to go sledging and share a family stroll. All in all, they wanted the Sunday to be more than a day spent with their father, they wanted it to be a family day. Dean was quick to understand that.  
All of a sudden, everything was much more easier and he regretted to have kept it secret for so long. Then he thought about what to say to their relatives and friends. How could he announce he was in a relationship with a man ? Especially Castiel...  
A relationship ? Were they really a couple ?  
Was it enough to have shared kisses, to love him in secret, to talk about a couple?

Dean was aware it wouldn’t be enough. After a brief silence, only disturbed with the cutlery jingle, he finally spoke.  
« Kids, I’d like to ask you a favor » he started, putting down his empty coffee cup on the table.  
All eyes turned to him.  
« I’d prefer this remain between us, for the time being»  
« You mean, you and Castiel ? » Chadwick elaborated.  
Dean nodded.  
« Why ? » Jewel truly seemed surprised by her father’s request. « Can’t I tell Marissa that Castiel is your lover then ? » it was obvious she was disappointed.  
« No... This remains between us four »  
« Why ? » she asked again.  
Dean turned to Castiel who remained silent.  
« Because I need some more time, Pumpkin » he replied with a smile. « And because the both of us still have a lot to talk about»  
Castiel smiled in turn.  
« It’s hard not to say anything » Jewel complained, swallowing a spoon full of cereals.  
« I know, but you’re a big girl now, you’ll manage, I’m sure. You will be able to tell her soon, I promise »  
She straightened with pride.  
« Promise ?»  
Her father winked at her.  
Chadwick exchanged a complicit gaze with Castiel while sipping his hot chocolate.  
   
Dean found it rather difficult to explain the reason for his silence to his children. How could he explain that, as long as he couldn’t cope with the physical attraction to Castiel, they wouldn’t be a real couple and display their relationship to the world.  
What they were sharing was some kind of an ambiguous love friendship that they had a hard time naming, something between love and a profound bond.  
How could he explain he was so difficult to admit that part of him.  
He hoped Balty would manage to help him sort out his feelings and felt quite perplexed to have to call for help in order to confirm what he already knew...  
He wanted Castiel, he was dreaming of him, yet he felt incapable of admitting this first step because he knew, once they had gone beyond a certain point, nothing would ever be the same.  
He knew this ultimate experience would be the last, the one he had to acknowledge if he were to love someone again… totally, completely.  
The one experience that would drive him to say the words he hadn’t spoken since Tessa had gone.

So here he was, that morning, torn apart between fear and desire : yet that particular morning, no more denial, just a sense of apprehension.  
He looked at his reflection in the mirror, wearing a simple short, and imagined Castiel’s silhouette looking back at him.  
He imagined his hands covering his own and closed his eyes.  
He needed to find the courage within himself. He looked down at the obvious sign of his desire and lowered a hand on the bump that could have been the other’s.  
When the reflections joined, he shouted out of frustration and hit the mirror with the flat of his hand.  
« SHIT » he sounded so desperate, his forehead leaning on the mirror.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean called Frank and asked him if he would accept to work on his day off, promising an extra day off in return the following week.  
The latter accepted at once to work that day, although he refused the extra day in compensation. A beer would do. Dean smiled and apologize for the last minute warning.  
Franck reminded him the many occasions he had notified Dean of his late arrival at the last minute too. After he divorced, he had had to deal with a hectic schedule to meet the lawyer and go to court. It had been so important for him to be able to be there for his kids, the apple of his eyes.  
Dean had always supported him throughout the whole procedure and Franck would never forget that.

Castiel drove the kids to school before going to work and Dean was now alone, filled with anxiety.  
He peeked at his watch… 9.30 AM… He heaved a profound sigh… He needed to clear his mind… He turned to Apache.  
« Ready for a little winter walk ? » The dog jumped on his feet at once.  
He sat on a bench and casually watched Apache playing with a German shepherd within the paddock. He pulled his hat down as it was freezing cold. Suddenly, he realized that the cold was within him and not due to the outside temperatures.  
Cold linked to fear...  
He knew Balty well enough to know he wouldn’t beat around the bush ; that was actually the reason why he had called him in the first place.  
He might as well say the things loud and clear even if their past conversations on gay sexuality had left some traces, as he had felt trapped between his love for Tessa and Castiel.  
The main reason – or at least one of reasons - why he had called Balty was that the man was bi and as far as he could remember, Balty had first been straight before, and besides, he knew Castiel intimately.  
Dean sensed he was blushing, as a kid caught in the act of watching a porn. That made him laugh.  
He felt so lost and at the same time so sure of what he wanted...  
Yet, he had to overcome that irrational fear, making him embrace the unknown… the body of another man close to his own.  
The German shepherd master left with his dog and Apache seemed to have lost all interest for the walk. He notified Dean by barking out loud.  
« I got it.. let’s go » he stood up, shivering all over.  
The die was cast.

  
   
www

  
   
Castiel had left a message to apologize for having tactlessly cancelled their lunch the day before and to ask whether they were still OK to meet that day.  
« Yes… your treat this time » she had added a smiley.  
« This one and the next ones » Castiel replied.  
« You’re forgiven »  
« See you later » He locked his phone and pulled out of the car.  
He now felt so happy and it made him smile. His colleagues smiled back at him as he was walking within the walls of his company. Happiness seemed to be contagious.  
   
He arrived early at their lunch place and sat down at their reserved table, close to the window, taking his hat and coat off, and ruffling through his hair.  
« Hot chocolate ? » the young waiter proposed.  
« Thanks, Inias » he nodded with a smile.  
Two cold hands covered his eyes.  
« Hi there » she said before walking on the other side of the table, her cheeks reddened by the harsh wind. « Have you been waiting for long ? » she took off her coat.  
« No... » he replied casually, staring at his half-empty cup.  
« Sorry, I had a last minute class meeting, I had to fight tooth and nail to prevent them from expelling one of my students » she finally sat down.  
« Considering your happy face, I guess that you won»  
« You’re damn right, honey. This kid is living with a depressed mother and an alcoholic father, you could say he has mitigating circumstances »  
« What did he do to risk suspension ?»  
« Nothing that serious. He slapped one of his teachers » she waved at the waiter.  
« Is that what you call nothing serious ?» he raised an eyebrow, feeling perplexed.  
« If you knew M. Wyart, you wouldn’t ask ; this guy is a total jerk, owing his post to his longevity in the school. He’s got a disciplinary history as long as my arm»  
Castiel smiled at that.  
« So, what are you gonna take today ? » she asked, looking at him in the eyes.  
« The soup of the day and a piece of pie »  
« That’s all? Are you on a diet? Do you wanna lose some bone ? » she asked, reading the menu.  
« No, I’m not hungry, that’s all » Castiel replied in an amused tone.  
« Yeah, sure ! I’m sure you had another argument with Dean, right ? » she went on, looking up to him.  
« It’s a long story »  
« I’m all ears » she said, sharing a brief smile with Inias. « I’ll have a club sandwich and a coffee ... And on top of that, a Mikado pancake » she closed the menu.  
« The soup of the day, a piece of pie … and another hot chocolate » Castiel asked  
« I’ll be right back with all that » the waiter took the empty cup.  
« So, tell me ? » Madison seemed eager to hear more, chin resting on her hands, leaning forward.  
« So what ? » he folded his arms as if to put an end to the conversation  
« Don’t be such a jerk, tell me all the details… especially the kiss of reconciliation »  
« How can you tell there was one ? »  
« That stupid smile on your face since I arrived » she pointed a finger at him, without moving an inch.  
Castiel couldn’t help but laugh. Madison was indeed a fresh breath of air in his life, she was the neutral outsider who made him see things in a different way.  
She knew all about him and Dean. He suddenly thought about Balty who didn’t know anything about it yet, and this left a sense of guilt, as the man had been his companion for a long time. More than once, he had hesitated to call him, but he had promised Dean not to disclose their relation to their inner circle friends...  
Madison was a different matter, although he intended to take measures for the rest of them in a short while. She has been a part of his life since their very first encounter.  
Some sort of friendship at first sight, the one he hadn’t known again since Tessa. He smiled.  
« What’s that smile about ? » she asked in a suspicious tone.  
« I’ was telling myself how lucky I was to have met you and that I should introduce you... »  
« To whom ? Them ? » Madison snapped, with her eyes open wide and a bright expression on her face. « You mean, I get to meet your Dean, flesh and blood?»  
« Him and the kids ...but don’t feel obliged to accept »  
« Obliged ?...Are you kidding ? I’m dying to meet him, you’ve been talking about him for ages » she rubbed her hands in happy anticipation.  
« What about Saturday next week ?» Castiel proposed.  
« I’ll cancel everything else on my agenda »  
« So you had plans ? » he said, leaning back so that Inias could serve him. « Thanks »  
« I’m not sure. I gotta check it out but I’ll cancel whatever is planned in any case »  
« Jared is welcome to join... That would be a good occasion to meet him »  
« He’s gonna love this… I’ve been babbling about this uptight gay couple »  
« Madi ? » Castiel sighed in desperation.  
« Isn’t that true ? You too should have moved on for a while now, you know, and engage in the physical chapter. What is Dean waiting for, perhaps for his balls to get ripe? »  
« Madi » Castiel tried to get her to lower her tone with a smile.  
« So what ?» she let Inias serve her too. « Thanks, honey » she said, looking at the waiter as he walked away  
« If I wasn’t married, I wouldn’t say no to that » she added, staring at his butt.  
« You should definitely meet Balty...You and him are so alike » Castiel started to eat.  
« Why don’t you invite him too ? I’m dying to meet the guy »  
« He doesn’t know for Dean and I » he said, looking down at his plate.  
« Oh ! »Madison’s expression turned serious. « You haven’t told him yet ? Don’t tell me you haven’t. He should have been the first to know. He’ll be angry at you for sure. I would be mad at you, that much is certain » she added with a sulky face.  
« I know but Dean... » he seemed lost in his thoughts.  
« What about Dean ? He’s playing chicken, is that it ? »  
« NO... The children already know » Castiel snapped back, as he wanted to defend Dean at all costs, even if he was aware Madison was right.  
« And ? » she went on, with her sandwich half way between her plate and her mouth.  
« They reacted astonishingly well »  
« Astonishingly ? Honey, they’ve been watching Balty ogling you ass for eight years ; gay relationship has become quite commonplace for them »  
« Yeah, but this time, we’re talking about their own father… and me»  
« Splendid ! Nowadays kids seem to be less stupid than yesterday’s adults. Where there’s life, there’s hope. Now, it will perhaps seem weird at first. I don’t know how I would have reacted if my father had started to polish his pal Jeffrey’s tonsils, but anyway…» she took a big bite in her sandwich, facing an alarmed Castiel.  
He had known her for ages, yet she often managed to astonish him more than once.  
«...I would have accepted if his happiness was at stake. Even if I didn’t have two gay friends explaining how it works» she went on.  
« I guess it’s helped »  
« I’m not sure it will help seeing you two hungrily kissing each other, but in any case, they got prepared to the possibility» she said with a big laugh.  
« Oh my God » Castiel heaved a big sigh, thinking about his next encounter with Dean and most of all, Balty. That would surely lead to very special moments to remember.  
« So… I’m glad we stopped beating around the bush... » she said, biting in her sandwich « ...tell me what happened last night? » she couldn’t help spluttering. « And I want all the details... » she added, indicating she wanted to hear about that kiss of reconciliation.  
   
She patiently waited until Inias finished cleaning up their table and sighed.  
« Holy Christ, this guy is really gifted making things difficult» raising the eyes. « Whatever, he’ll end up getting laid, one way or another, so what’s that hesitation about ? »  
« He’s not ready »  
« Nonsense. Don’t tell me he’s doesn’t feel like taking the dive, I won’t believe you » she smiled when she saw the pancake put in front of her.  
« Inias, sweet angel, would you please answer this simple question... »  
Castiel’s face went pale.  
« If a handsome guy like this one kissed you and left you breathless, how much time would you wait to drag him in your bed » she asked casually, her chin resting in her palm, the other hand holding the fork planted in the pancake.  
Inias blushed and looked down.  
« If … if a woman… » he insisted on the last word.  
« No, I’m talking about the guy there, look at him » Castiel’s expression went from pale to bloodless.  
« Just imagine you’re turning gay, or that you’re facing a really gorgeous chick… » she corrected as she watched the waiter losing his grip.  
Inias blushed and stared at Castiel.  
« If... If... If I were attracted to a man… such as him… I wouldn’t wait another minute » he said quickly before literally running away from them.  
« Are you out of your mind ? » Castiel almost shouted, as his face turned back to a normal skin color.  
« I just wanted to prove that it’s not purely physical... Your Dean is afraid to commit himself, it’s as simple as that »  
« He’s straight, Madi »  
« Not anymore, not entirely, since he’s set his heart on you, right ? Sorry, Honey, but he was the one who kissed you in the first place… and the second, for that matter» she said, before swallowing a piece of her dessert.  
They finished the meal without another word.  
« So… What time do we need to show up next Saturday? » Madison finally asked.  
« Around noon. I’ll call you to confirm. I still need to speak with Dean about it» he replied in a casual tone.  
« Are you mad at me ? » she asked, a bit worried.  
« No, I’m not... If I wasn’t interested in your opinion, I wouldn’t have talked about it » he said, pushing away his empty plate. « It’s just that it’s… » he took a deep breath in « ...complicated »  
« That’s what they call Love, Honey. And it’s only the beginning » she sipped her coffee.  
« I really gotta go now, and so do you » she stood up.  
« See you on Monday ? »  
« Yeah, until Monday » he returned her smile.  
She leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead.  
« Do you know that they sell a little miracle blue pill ? Oops, there it goes down his drink and… ...» she couldn’t help but offer him a wry smile.  
« Madi » Castiel nodded, feeling embarrassed.  
« I’m only telling you this to help you out… To prevent you from suffering from wrist tendonitis » she laughed out loud.  
« Madi » Castiel was now furious as he looked at her leaving.  
« See ya on Monday » she waved before going out.  
He waved at the waiter to get the bill.  
« My apologies, Inias »  
« Don’t worry » the young man said, taking the money Castiel gave him. « However, she’s right, you know... » He blushed.  
« As always. Keep the change » Castiel said as the waiter was rumbling in his fanny pack.  
« Thanks » he was all smiles.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean had prepared the meal and had been waiting for half an hour now. As usual, Balty was late. He stroke Apache’s head and sighed.  
Toasts were waiting for the guest’s good will. Dean felt a twitch in his stomach. How would Balty welcome the news and more particularly, the fact that he had asked Castiel not to mention it ?  
Would he accept to help him anyway ? Besides, what was he supposed to tell him ?  
He just hoped Balty would follow his intuition and talk first.  
He smiled... Or else this moron would leave him to marinate in his own doubts. That would only be fair, Dean said to himself as he stood up. Someone had rang the bell.  
Balty had his own spare keys but he only used them when nobody was coming at the door. He actually rarely used them.  
« Hi » Dean invited him in.  
« Hi, Deanie, sweetheart » he tapped his shoulder, still wearing his winter gloves. « It’s freezing out there » he said, stamping on the entrance mat.  
Dean watched him as he took off his coat, his gloves and his hat.  
« It’s been quite a while, huh ?» Dean finally said. « We missed you, you know » Dean showed a genuine happiness to see him again.  
« I missed you too » Balty smiled back.  
« C’mon… I made your favorite French toasts » he said, patting him on the shoulder. « How do you get along with Bryan ? » he casually inquired as they headed for the kitchen.  
« I guess I hit the jackpot. He’s a sex god, he’s able to cope with my temper and seems to love me for good… What more is there to ask ? » he claimed with a smile, rubbing his hands against each other, perhaps more to hide a certain embarrassment than to get warm.  
Dean looked at him with tenderness.  
« What ? »  
« Balty in love, who’d have thought ? » he said, folding his arms on his chest.  
« Not me, that’s for sure » Balty answered, avoiding to look at Dean.  
« It’s high time you introduce us to the man who finally tamed you »  
« Yeah » the other one said, blushing a little. « We’ll do that… He’s eager to meet you too » Balty smiled again.  
« We’ll set something up… Because it’s not the same around here without you. I… We sure don’t wanna lose you… We can’t afford to lose each other, you know what I mean ? »  
« We won’t, I promise... You know how much you mean to me » he raised his eyes to Dean.  
« Come here… Help yourself, I just made fresh coffee »  
« Thanks » he stepped closed to Dean.  
« Well, when are you gonna tell me what’s on your mind ? »  
« What do you mean? »  
« Don’t tell me you ruin a perfect sex night just to invite me for breakfast ? » he said, pouring himself a cup of black liquid.  
Dean tensed up.  
« Do I need to help you cross the T’s ? »  
« I... » Dean dipped his bread in the sugar milk then in the whipped eggs.  
« C’mon, man, spit it out ! »  
The only sound in the kitchen was the bread frying in the pan.  
« I... » He raised his eyes, staring at the ceiling for a moment before wiping his hands on kitchen paper. « Me and Cass » he heaved a long sigh.  
« Good God » he put down his cup without touching it. « What do you mean ? You… did it ?! You… » he stared at Dean who couldn’t look back at him. « Since when? »  
« Since he got back »  
Balty’s expression turned cold. He took his cup and sat down, unable to speak another word.  
« Don’t blame him… He wanted to tell you. It’s… it’s my fault»  
« Why ? » Balty’s tone sounded bitter. « Don’t you trust me enough, is that it? » he obviously was hurt by Dean’s revelation.  
« It’s nothing to do with you... » he turned the bread in the pan.  
« It’s me. I wasn’t sure of myself. Even now I’m not sure of anything » he looked down.  
« Don’t you dare, Deanie! Don’t do that to him» Balty said in a loud desperate tone.  
« It would kill him » He had almost jumped from his chair and forced Dean to turn around and look at him. « I forbid you to do this to him. Don’t you play with his heart » he threatened, looking at him in the eyes. « He loves you, Dean. He’s always loved you. Don’t let him hope for nothing. That would kill him. Trust me. It would kill him » he had seized Dean’s arms and squeezed. His eyes were pleading.  
« That’s why I need you. I’m lost, Balty » Dean said, setting himself free from Balty’s grasp. « I’m crazy about him but I can’t go all the way » he confessed, turning around to take care of the bread.  
« You ended up with the sexiest man on Earth, besides me, of course» Balty tried the humor tome, without success. « And you still ask yourself too many questions ? »  
« He’s a man»  
« So what ? »  
« So what ?» Dean repeated, his voice getting louder, as he almost threw the piece of bread in Balty’s plate. « I can’t do it » he finished, throwing the pan in the sink. « I can’t do it » he whispered, running his hand through his hair.  
Balty poured another cup and put it on the table.  
« Sit down...We have to talk» he sat down too.  
Dean had obeyed in silence.  
« It’s burned»  
Dean looked up at him, not sure he understood what the other meant.  
« The bread… it’s burned »  
« I... » Dean was about to stand up.  
« Stay right there... I don’t give a shit about that bloody bread. Now, talk to me»  
« I don’t know where to start... I don’t even know if I feel like talking. I’m tired of talking, I’ve done nothing else for weeks. It’s eating me from the inside. »  
« How far did you two get? »  
« That’s a good question » Dean’s laugh sounded perplexed.  
« Stop thinking too much, as a start. Asking yourself too many questions will only make you forget the one and only question that is essential» Balty explained.  
Their eyes met.  
« Do you love him ? »  
Dean remained silent for a while.  
« Is it that hard to say ?» Balty smiled a sad smile. « Because your silence is more eloquent than words, you know»  
« How do they do it? How did you do it? »  
« What do you mean ? »  
« You used to be straight, right ? » Dean avoided to look at the man.  
« Yes, indeed » he folded his arms and stretched his legs. « And I still am, as well as I’m gay. That’s what you call « bi ». Rest assured, it’s not a disease. It’s just a matter of knowing how to love without boundaries »  
« But, a man’s body is so different » Dean managed to confess in a shy whisper.  
« Is that what you’re scared of ? Don’t be. You should know that making love with someone of the same gender is a lot more exiting, especially between men, because we have a HUGE advantage » Balty smiled a wicked smile.  
Dean looked at him briefly and blushed.  
« I know what you’re thinking of, but don’t worry... » Balty laughed « Sodomy – which I love, I confess, isn’t the most frequent practice between men, no matter what most people think, but it sure is a lot more intense than between our lesbian sisters. We can do anything. Oral sex, masturbation, active or passive penetration, sometimes both at once… Quite an array of techniques. And don’t forget a simple caress that can send you to Heaven» there was a salacious smile on his lips.  
« I... » Dean’s face was quite red now. He stood up.  
« Deanie....Sit down. You wanted to know, I’m gonna tell ya »  
« I just… can’t » he said, in an almost inaudible voice.  
« What is it that you can’t do? »  
« ALL THIS ! » he shouted, waving his arms around. « I can’t » he stared at Balty, totally at lost.  
« Have you already fantasized about him ? » Balty asked, regaining his serious composure.  
Dean let out a sigh.  
« Yes, I have»  
« And probably appeased these sexual fantasies all by yourself, am I right ? »  
« Oh shit… Balty ! » Dean cursed.  
« This means a big yes » he answered with a wide smile.  
« It’s not the same »  
« Maybe, but the fact you satisfied them means the act itself isn’t that repulsive to you »  
« When… when… » he nervously ran his hand I his hair, « When we go too far… When I feel we could actually…. I chicken and run » he leaned on the table and heard Balty heaved a long sigh.  
   
« I was 25 when I made love with a man for the first time. I knew the bodies of women by heart and I’d never been attracted to a man before. I never asked myself that question, for that matter, I had a rather balanced and blooming sexual life. And then, one day, our eyes met, his name was Richard, he was 10 years older than me and was a hundred percent gay. I found it difficult at first to cope with the fact I was attracted to him but then I finally took the leap. It was such a shock to discover I was enjoying this. I entrusted our relation to him. He knew his was my first male lover » He saw Dean’s shoulders drop heavily.  
« Castiel will never overstep his limits, he knows you too well. He will be your Richard, but if you wanna succeed, you need to let go »  
He stood up and walked closer.  
« I’m gonna be crude, Dean. But you should know that a blow job between men isn’t that much different than with a chick, as well as masturbate a woman or a guy ; what matters most is the pleasure you give and the one you get... As for penetration, this will come in time, when trust is settled between both. Only the erotic novels describe young virgins getting fucked the very first night »  
« DAMMIT BALTY ! » Dean screamed, stepping away, full of anger.  
« Sorry » Balty started to laugh. « Dean » he regained his composure and faced him. « Deanie » he forced him to look at him. « Do you know what the most erotic thing is to turn each other on between two guys who are in love ? »  
« Shut up, please » Dean was now begged him to stop, trying to free himself from his grasp.  
« It’s the feeling of caressing fingers on the skin, electrifying and arousing desire. The kisses softly raining down the chest and linger on the sensitive spots » he explained, pointing at Dean’s nipples. «...and travel down until they capture the object of desire, and claim its warmth »  
« THAT’S ENOUGH » Dean shouted, pushing him away.  
« The caresses guiding his hand to your hard cock and masturbating you until you lose your mind» Balty went on in a feverish voice, chasing him in the kitchen.  
« SHUT UP ! » Dean shouted, about to leave to room, submerged by anger.  
Balty blocked the passage at the door.  
« Get out of my way » Dean was firing anger with his eyes.  
« He loves you. Don’t ruin this because of your macho prejudice... There’s nothing wrong to love a man… There’s nothing wrong to love someone, whatever the gender. It’s the most beautiful token of trust to give one’s body to the other. It’s the greatest proof of love to give oneself to the other »  
« I’d love to be able to do it » Dean clenched his fists.  
« Give yourself to him… For once, Dean, try to be the passive one. Let go. Believe my long experience » he managed to make Dean smile a little. « Of all the men who could cross you path, you got the best. Don’t you lose him, because you could lose your greatest love story» he put his hand on his arm. « You gave your love to Tessa. Now give your love to Castiel. The three of you were meant to meet »  
Dean remained silent for a long while, looking down.  
« Do you still want some French toasts ? » he finally asked.  
« Sure. And please don’t burn it this time... While you cook, I’m gonna reward myself with a handy jay and I’ll be right back. All this has inspired me » he walked out of the kitchen.  
« Dammit, Balty » he raised his eyes to the ceiling.  
« Just kidding » He heard him laugh as he walked away.  
   
They chat some more. Dean was feeling more at ease. To speak about sexuality among men was still uncomfortable for him but Balty was now choosing less crude words, avoiding details, putting more emphasis on feelings.  
« I don’t have to tell you how to do things… That will come with instinct, even if you first feel clumsy and don’t find it as good as you hoped it would be... It isn’t that different from a first intercourse with a woman... You hardly attain Nirvana at once »  
Dean smiled at that.  
« But know this, Castiel is rather gifted, I think you two would be just fine » he said with a wicked smile. « Talk to each other… Tell him what you like, or don’t like… Each partner has his own preferences »  
He read the silent question on Dean’s mind.  
« He particularly enjoys foreplay, intimate caresses and a good blow job to end the round » he started to laugh again. « But don’t ever say I told you, or he’ll kill me » he laughed some more as he saw Dean’s expression of total dismay.  
« Not necessary, I’ll kill you first » he drank his coffee, finding an excuse to hide his growing fear behind his cup.  
« The advantage with Castiel is he don’t need condom… he never had another lover besides me when we were together » a content smile spread on his lips.  
« Balty...could we change the subject ? » Dean had obviously reached the limit of their discussion on the subject.  
« Have you gone through the tests ? »  
« What tests ? »  
« I mean… HIV, STD, all that » he sighed.  
« Lisa wanted me to... she wanted more committment »  
« And ? »  
« Balty » he sighed again.  
« That’s a clear answer to a crucial point »  
« What do you mean ? »  
« I don’t hold a grudge against nightcaps but it’s so much better to fly without a parachute» he sent him a wink.  
Dean suddenly seemed so tired. He played with his cup while Balty was swallowing his fifth toast.  
« It’s gonna be fine » Balty reassured him.  
« If anyone had told me something like this would fall on my lap, I’d have laughed. I was married, happy. I got two wonderful children with the most extraordinary woman and then everything tumbles down on me and I end up in the arms of a man… My best friend, one of the pillars of my family, a genuine part of my past. This is completely crazy, it scares me» he rubbed the top of his head.  
« I find it rather magical. I always thought there was something magical about you two. You never were an ordinary family »  
« It’s up to me to make it ordinary now»  
« Err… a couple of gays raising two kids » Balty started to laugh.  
« A family is so much more than that »  
« You’re right » he replied with tenderness.  
« Don’t you forget you’re a part of it, Balty... You’ll always be. We owe you so much »  
« Yeah, you’re right. I will remind you, trust me » he leaned back in his chair.  
« I don’t doubt it » Dean let a grin spread on his lips.  
« I don’t wanna punch you out, Deanie, but if I remember correctly, you told me you are supposed to fetch the kids at school »  
« Shit. Is it time already? »  
« Yep. You know, speaking of sex makes time fly faster » he stood up.  
« Can I count on you to bring Bryan over at dinner some time ? »  
« You can. I wanna toast to your gay defloration» he went out in a big laugh.

  
   
www

  
   
Castiel came home late in the afternoon, the children were waiting for his return before they could all have supper together.  
He had to work extra hours. Greg was sick so he had to take care of his share of workload.  
« Good evening, my angels » he kissed Jewel and smiled to Chadwick.  
« Where’s your Dad ? »  
« In the kitchen, we were waiting for you »  
They talked about their day, Dean told them Balty had come to visit and that he would come back another day and introduce them to Bryan. The children were enthusiastic about the news, as they missed Balty so much. Castiel side glanced at Dean who winked back.  
So, Balty knew at last, he could feel the relief in his heart.  
Jewel was singing all through the meal the song she had learned at school. Chadwick was talking about his History class and the Egyptian gods.  
« We should visit the Sciences Museum, I heard there’s an exhibition on Ramses II» he finally said.  
« I think it’s a very good idea » Castiel approved. He guessed Dean wasn’t too happy about it, even if he tried to hide his reluctance to go.  
« Don’t worry… You’re a fan a movie with mummies, you’re gonna love this »  
« Blablabla…» he swallowed the last bit of his fish stick.  
« Great...Ty can come too ? and Lyndsay ? »  
« Lyndsay ... well well well, you two seem to get along pretty well ? » Dean was surprised.  
« Yes, we do» his son confirmed.  
« OK, then, we’re check the dates and organize a visit »  
« Thanks Dad »  
« Can I bring Marissa? » Jewel begged, swallowing a spoonful of mashed potatoes.  
« The more, the merrier »  
« Super! » she smiled at her father.

Friday at last.  
They had planned a special Indiana Jones evening, at the request of Castiel. The children were happy about it.  
Sitting on the floor, leaning against Castiel and their father’s legs. The men were sitting next to each other, shoulder to shoulder, sometimes their hands would touch, but their fingers didn’t interlace.  
The kids gave up at the end of the second movie.  
Castiel was yawning throughout the third one. His head was almost falling on Dean’s shoulder.  
« I’m dead tired. I’m going to bed »  
« Are you sure?» Dean leaned forward and kissed him.  
« Dean? » he gently pushed him away.  
« What ? » he said, feeling a bit surprised.  
« Nothing » he smiled and rushed to take his lips. When they moved apart, they were breathless.  
« Wow » Dean laughed.  
« Fatigue has a weird effect on me » Castiel smiled.  
« I can see that »  
« Good night » he gave him a last quick kiss.  
« Don’t stay up too long. We need to bring the kids to dance class and swimming pool tomorrow»  
« I’ll take care of it » Dean answered, giving him a kiss in turn, a long one, with a hand on his cheek. « Good night, Cass »  
He watched him as Castiel was walking away, slowly, observing each and every movement of his body.  
« Stop ogling my ass » Castiel said, laughing.  
He went upstairs and Dean started to put order in the room. He let the dog out in the garden for a quick walk.  
And looked one last time at the living room.

He stopped in front of his bedroom, opened the door, peeking at the stairs leading to Castiel’s bedroom.

 

End of the chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted first and foremost to apologize for the delay in publication but you must know that my translator is going to be hospitalized for surgery shoulder next week. Despite the pain, she wanted to translate this chapter before getting operated, I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart.  
> Know that she will translate the last chapters as soon as she returns and a few days of rest.  
> I can also announce already that there will be some surprises after the last chapter that I would reveal to you at that time.  
> I hope this will not stop you from coming back in a few weeks to read the last chapters of this story.  
> Love you all and thank for your kindness and patience.


	26. Notice from the author

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello to all of you.

 

I would like to apologyze. As you can see, the publication of this fic has been suspended.

My translator has been operated and her rehabilitation is longer and slower than expected.  
**I wanted to reassure you** , she is determined to finish translating this story as soon as her rehabilitation will allow.  
His health prevails over all the rest, I ask you a little patience. (and for that, there'll be a bonus surprise in the end of this story )

I wanted to keep you informed, I know that there is nothing more frustrating than not knowing if a fic will have an end or not.  
I hope that this short note will have reassured you. I thank you for everything.

See you soon  
love you

kiss

 

 

 

 

 

 


	27. Look at me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I would like to thank you for your patience., as i promised you, here is the next chapter of this story.  
> Hope that you gonna like this it.  
> .  
> Here we are at last  
> Gently moving to a « M/M » status  
> (See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

.  
Dean gently turned his head to look at Castiel, lovingly cuddling against his chest... He should have felt uncomfortable and push him away, yet he didn’t. Because he had to admit that he had enjoyed the night before so much and the way his friend had smoothly captured him and pulled him in.  
Castiel had taken all the initiatives although never crossing a certain limit… He somehow knew Dean wasn’t totally ready for it yet.  
The latter wondered whether he’d be ready one day. The simplest gesture towards Castiel, his friend…his lover… Dean didn’t even knew how he was supposed to name him.  
He gave up trying to find the answer because right now, for the first time in years, he finally felt where he belonged.  
He stared at the ceiling then closed his eyes on the memory of what had just changed his life forever.  
 .  
He had hesitated a while, than had taken the plunge. He had climbed the stairs and knocked on the door, after waiting for what seemed ages. He had looked at this shaking hands, unable to refrain the shaking. Castiel had opened, dressed with nothing but his jean. He saw the smile on his face before stepping aside to invite him in.  
They had stared at each other for a long while and Dean had felt his last walls tumble down, the ones he had built over the last few years.  
He stayed there with his back to the door, ready to run away, but waiting for a word, a gesture that would keep him in.  
He didn’t recall how Castiel ended up close to him… how he had felt what was about to happen but never moved an inch… how Castiel ended up kissing him and how he had responded to the kiss instead of pushing him away, as he usually did.. How their kiss had been filled with such passion that he couldn’t refrain from kissing him again. Castiel had coiled up so close to him, as if he wanted to merge with him, body and soul...  
Dean finally pushed him away with no gentleness, a wild shining in his eyes, and out of breath.  
He looked at Castiel, bare-chested and suddenly he wanted him, he needed to feel his body next to his and it hurt so much. He was afraid to let go...  
« I can’t » he said, short of breath.  
« Let me do this » Castiel whispered, moving closer to Dean.  
« I can’t... It’s physical… I… I’m sorry, Cass »  
« Let me do this... » the latter whispered again, his hand gently palming his cheek.  
Dean froze under the touch and wanted to coil up in his hand.  
« I… I… » He felt himself staggering.  
Castiel grabbed his wrist and slowly guided him to the next floor. Dean was watching his back as they went upstairs. Then he saw the bed… This bed… His !  
Dean felt rage and resentment tears swelling but he let the other one guide him. He hated his own body for not being able to get a grip. He wanted this, even if all the voices inside told him it was a mistake.  
Castiel seated him on the bed and kneeled before him.  
« I can’t touch you… I can’t… do this… I’m… » Dean mumbled.  
Castiel put a finger on his lips to silence him.  
« I’m not asking for anything, Dean. Just let me love you… And if you want to stop right here afterwards, just tell me… I’ll never force you to go any further »  
« I know but I’m... »  
« It always freaks you out a little the very first time » he said with a smile, resting his hands on Deans knees.  
Dean felt a strong shiver running down his spine and rested his forehead on his friend’s chest, he felt his heart beating hard. He needed him as much as Castiel did, but Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to make the first move; that was the obstacle between them.  
He found it hard to cope with the fact that he was here, with a man he’d known for more than ten years and whom he’d never found as masculine, as attractive as today. He was losing himself in the touch of his skin, the way he smelled, the depth of his eyes… dilated with pleasure.  
Castiel slowly pulled his t-shirt above his head and abandoned it with a smile… trying to reassure him as a mother would reassure a child.  
He then gently pushed him on his back with his head on the pillow.  
He felt Dean trembling, his whole body fighting its own battle between reason and envy.  
« Empty your mind… Let me take care of you. » his fingers softly running down his bare chest, making his skin shiver all over. He tenderly kissed his lips while unbuckling his belt. Dean tensed up when he felt Castiel’s fingers.  
« I can’t » he tried to move up.  
Castiel pushed him back down with a firm hand while the other started to caress his crotch.  
Dean moaned and fell back on the bed.  
« I beg you, Cass »  
He couldn’t tell if he was begging him to let him go, fearing to ruin their friendship, or if he was pleading for more… Probably both.  
Castiel went on his knees in front of Dean and, in a swift movement, took off his shoes, socks and pants.  
His eyes sparkled as he had been waiting for this moment forever and Dean knew it was problably the case.  
« Cass ? » his own eyes were filled with unspoken questions.  
The latter answered with another kiss, tenderly biting his lower lip. Dean didn’t return the kiss.  
« Just one night » Castiel begged in a voice broken with desire and distress.  
He then took his own pants off. Both were now wearing their boxer barely hiding their desire... Dean stared at the ceiling, he wanted to wake up from this moment, and run away… His whole universe was collapsing. He knew that crossing that limit meant nothing would ever be the same.  
« I don’t wanna lose you » he said, palming Castiel’s cheeks in a gesture of panic.  
« Tomorrow is another day… I’ll wake up the same, and you’ll always be Dean… Only you can decide if you wanna cross that line. You or us. »  
« Promise me that if… »  
« I’ll never leave you, Dean… You’re my family. My only family… My life»  
« What we’re about to do is bloody stupid, you know that ?»  
« No, Dean...I’m gonna love you… And if tomorrow, you want our lives to get back to the way they were, this night will be nothing but a disgression»  
« Swear » his hands still around Castiel’s cheeks.  
« I swear » he kissed him again, and this time, Dean returned the kiss.. « Just tell me if you want me to stop » he whispered against his lips.  
« I don’t know what I want… I don’t know anymore »  
Castiel lay down next to him.  
« Look at me »  
Dean complied.  
« I’ll never do anything to make you doubt, Dean. Nothing that a woman wouldn’t do… Do you understand ? » he put a hand on Dean’s cheek.  
Dean nodded.  
.  
Castiel raised on his elbow.  
« Keep looking at me »  
« Cass » Dean was short of breath.  
« Shhh… »  
Dean felt Castiel’s hand softly caressing down his chest, making him feel like he was drowning even if he wanted to keep control.  
Castiel softly teased his nipples. Dean unexpectedly reacted, grabbed his hand to keep it on his chest, seeking its warmth on his skin.  
Castiel smiled. Dean let go of his hand. It went further south, brushed against his side and made Dean shiver even more and brace himself a little.  
He closed his eyes, for his growing desire became hard to control, his breath became erratic.  
He felt Castiel’s hand brush against his boxer and tensed up when his cock was suddenly free from its cloth prison.  
« Look at me» Castiel kept repeating the words over and over.  
The sensation became overwhelming, soft and violent all at once… he loved it, he enjoyed getting lost in his blue eyes, he loved the way his hand was stroking, warm and gifted... He loved the way he was discovering that new part of him.  
Castiel knew how to make it last, playing with his fingers, sometimes caressing, sometimes pressing… Dean was willingly giving his soul yet he couldn’t entrust his body. He was still fighting with no chance of success between the pleasure he was craving for and the fear to do so.  
« Cass » he said in a hoarse voice, putting a hand on the back of his neck and pulling his forehead against his.  
They breathed heavily together. Dean was now begging for more caresses, raising his hips to meet Castiel’s hand, in a movement he failed to control.  
« Look at me » Castiel whispered, slightly pulling away to look at Dean.  
Dean felt his body tighten, his back arched violently as he came with his eyes closed in the hand of his lover who gently lavished some more tender strokes with the tips of his fingers while kissing his last moans away.  
.  
Dean didn’t move for a while... he just experienced his first orgasm from the hand of a man. Castiel, for that matter. He’d loved it and suddenly realized he wouldn’t be able to return the favor.  
This wasn’t supposed to be a one-way only...  
« Cass.... I couldn’t… » he said, looking away.  
« I’m not asking for anything, Dean… anything» he kissed him on the temple.  
« How could it work like this ? »  
There was no sound but the they were breathing heavily.  
« Give yourself some time. I’ve got all the time in the world.. I’ve got you » Castiel finally answered.  
His tone revealed a bit of sadness.  
« Can I stay with you ? » Dean asked in a faint whisper.  
« This is where you belong… This will always be your home » Castiel said, lying against him. He slowly raised his hand, wiping it discreetly on the sheets and put it on Dean’s chest.  
« I’m sorry » Dean sighed, planting a long kiss on his forehead.  
« Don’t be… Sleep now » he softly rubbed the sheet against his crotch in an innocent gesture.  
He felt like shouting but remained silent. Finally, he had been able to love Dean. He had seen the desire in his eyes, aiming at him, just this once. An image etched on his memory for ever...  
Things would get back to normal the next day, but now Dean knew Castiel had never ceased to love him, from the very first day, their very first look.  
Castiel put his hand on his own erection, yet did nothing to relieve the tension, the pain would wither and disappear as his lover was gradually falling asleep.  
.  
Dean opened his eyes and watched his companion asleep next to him. He felt no rejection or attraction, just a immense tenderness filling his heart. He moved closer and let his chin on his head.  
He had to know… he looked around, picturing the door, his threshold.  
You or us.  
He kissed him between the eyes and slowly moved down to his lips, hesitating somehow.  
Castiel woke up and returned the kiss.  
He felt Dean’s hand moving in his back up to his shoulders… his heartbeat started to speed up, and his desire jumped with force. He felt the tips of Dean’s fingers on his arm and couldn’t help but moan.  
« Dean...You don’t have to » he said, putting a hand on his cheek, caressing his lips with the tip of his thumb.  
« You or us » Dean claimed.  
He had to ascertain whether he was able to touch another man’s body… another man’s sex… another sex than his own.  
« Dean »  
« Let me do this » he finally said with a smile.  
His hand traveled down his chest, while he kept looking at Castiel giving himself up to his clumsy caresses and when his hand reached his hip, he stopped and closed his eyes. He started to think, too much. Castiel felt his reluctance to go any further and grabbed his hand, putting it on his chest again. He kissed it.  
« Dammit ! » Dean collapsed on Castiel’s chest.  
The latter gently stroke his hair.  
« We have to get up, time to take care of the kids »  
.  
STOP THINKING! The words exploded in Dean’s head; he pushed him back on the bed and, without a second thought, plunged his hand into Castiel’s boxer who let out a gasp of surprise when he felt the other’s hand on his tensed crotch.  
He strongly gripped Dean’s hair as he felt his hand start to move in an irregular and clumsy way at first.  
Then, the gesture became more relaxed and fluid. More skillful.  
« Look at me» Dean ordered in a gentle tone. « Look at me » he repeated again.  
Castiel’s blue eyes plunged deep into Dean’s green ones and he felt overwhelmed by what he saw.  
Castiel’s eyes were filled with tears.  
« Cass !» Dean whispered, pausing the movement of his hand.  
« Don’t stop, please… Don’t stop »  
Dean resumed his caresses and kissed the base of his neck and shoulder, completely intoxicated by his fragrance.  
« We’ll cross that bridge together » he whispered as Castiel contracted under the orgasm and released himself in his hand in a silent cry.  
A few seconds of intense silence. Castiel’s dilated pupils then stared at Dean.  
« I love you, Dean… I love you so much » he put both hands on Dean’s cheeks and kissed him fiercely, as if he was afraid to lose him for good, as it had just been an illusion, one of these larger-than-life dreams.  
None of them moved for a little while. Castiel softly stroke Dean’s hair, as the latter rested on his chest.  
« I guess this makes us an official couple now ? » Dean laughed, mocking a bit, but most of all afraid of what this entailed.  
« Dean... » Castiel gently pushed back. « Don’t you think it’s too soon ? Are you sure ?»  
« I am »  
Castiel smiled... What Dean has said meant this night wouldn’t be the last ; on the contrary, it was the prelude to many more.  
« Are you really sure ? » he asked again, feeling a bit worried.  
Dean raised his head to look at him.  
« I just knew the moment I saw you lying next to me, when I woke up earlier.»  
« Dean » Castiel smiled even more, his eyes were sparkling. « ...We should take a shower, don’t you think ? » he went on, feeling he had to break the silence between them which had turned uncomfortable.  
« I think you’re absolutely right » Dean laughed as he looked at their boxers.  
« Thank you » Castiel whispered.  
« For what ? »  
« For loving me, Dean »  
« What makes you think I love you ? » he asked in a serious tone.  
Castiel brushed his cheek.  
« I’m aware what this night cost you… But you stayed»  
Dean took his hand and squeezed it.  
« Go take a shower »  
« Alone ? »  
« Yes, Cass, alone… » He looked away. « I need some time… Just a little bit more time» he added with a little smirk.  
« I’ve been waiting for ten years… I’m more than patient »  
« I don’t doubt it » he said, dropping a quick kiss on his lips. « I’ll see you at breakfast »  
Dean got dressed as Castiel watched him, his knees against his chest.  
« What ? » he asked, feeling his gaze upon his back.  
« You... » he looked down.  
Dean turned around.  
« I don’t regret anything, Cass… Anything… Nothing’d have happened if I had decided otherwise, do you hear me ? »  
« Yes, I hear you»  
« Go take a shower, you’re sticky, it’s disgusting » he laughed.  
He walked out of the room without another word. Castiel stared at the pillow on which Dean had slept. When he heard Dean close the door, he grabbed his clothes and headed for the bathroom.

  
 .  
www

  
 .  
Chadwick and Jewel were already at the table when Dean joined them in the kitchen. One kid was feeding Apache while the other one was setting the table.  
« Good morning, Angels »  
« Morning, Dad » Chad said with a smile. « Is everything all right? ».  
« Why do you ask ? » his father replied as he prepared the morning coffee.  
« You seem particularly happy » the boy said, walking closer.  
« Why do say that ? Do I usually look that miserable » he sneered.  
« No... it’s just that… »  
« What ? » he stared at his son.  
« You weren’t in your room this morning » the boy said, grabbing the cutlery in a drawer.  
Dean suddenly felt like he was blushing violently.  
« Hello » Castiel joined them, dressed in a jean and black shirt with rolled-up sleeves... Dean looked at him with hungry eyes.  
He suddenly wondered how he had to consider him from now on ? It still was Castiel, his friend. The same Castiel the kids considered as a second father. But now he was also Castiel, his lover.  
He found if hard to tell himself the words and looked down, lost in his thoughts.  
He thought about the first years, the first encounter, the first laughters, the first tears as well.  
The mourning, the kids, the house, their life.  
Lisa was right, he had always loved Castiel. He just never wanted to admit it, not this way at least.  
Today, a new challenge had come up. How to tell the news to the people around them ? How would his family, friends, neighbors react? How would they all look at him when he’d show his love for that man openly ?  
Shit ! Why was everything so complicated ?  
Even to love Castiel would be complicated… he knew what physical love between men implied, Balty had told him all about it, in every detail.  
Dean uttered a sigh. He’d never make it. Last night had already been a hard step to take, although he didn’t regret any of it. He had experienced pleasure, one he hadn’t felt in a very long time.  
He had loved it and above all he knew he wouldn’t be able to be deprived of this man’s body, the smell of his skin, the smell of Cass...  
He surprisingly had ended up with his hand on his crotch and hadn’t found it so repulsive as he thought it would feel. All he could remember was the love and desire on his lover’s face, and most of all the tears... He had felt the pleasure of giving pleasure to the other.  
In the end, wasn’t it what they call love ?  
He would surely override his prejudice and his barriers, he was certain Castiel would help him out.  
All in good time...  
 .  
He startled when he felt a hand on his shoulder.  
« Dean ? » Castiel looked at him, worried.  
« I’m all right » Dean said with a smile « Sit down. I’ll pour you some coffee » Dean walked away, letting his hand slide down Castiel’s back.  
His eyes met Chadwick’s who smiled too.  
« Can I tell Marissa now ? » Jewel asked, folding her arms and challenging her father.  
« I promised you could but not now, Pumpkin » he said, dropping a kiss on her forehead. « Finish your plate. You’ve got danse class today. »  
« Pfft » she pouted « You promised. It’s not fair »  
« Yeah, I know, life is terribly unfair » Dean pouted too, it made his daughter laugh.  
He sat down. Castiel sat next to him with his cup.  
« So tell me, would you mind if I invite Madison and her husband for lunch next Saturday? She’s dying to meet you »  
« Madison... the teacher exchanging sweet talk with you ?» Dean asked, grabbing his cup.  
« The one and only»  
« I don’t see why not ; what about you, kids ? »  
« Could be great to invite a teacher » Chadwick smiled, teasing Castiel.  
« She’s a teacher ? » Jewel repeated.  
« Yes, she is. You’ll see, she’s a very nice person, I’m sure you’re gonna love her… She’s like Balty »  
« Of shit, I can’t wait ! » Dean snapped back, sipping his coffee.  
« Great » Jewel was all smiles.  
« Can I confirm it, then ? »  
« Yes, you can. I’d be so glad to meet your friend »  
« You and her husband will get along just fine »  
« Why is that ? » He raised an eyebrow.  
« He’s a fireman… And on his free time, he loves to repair old trucks »  
« What? Old firemen trucks ? »  
« Yep... »  
« For sure I’m gonna love this guy » he confirmed, stealing a piece of bread from his son’s plate.  
« Dad »  
« What ? » Dean took an innocent look.  
« Whatever, you can’t eat before going to swim, it’s not recommended »  
« I see that your appetite has come back » his son snapped with a smirk.  
His father blushed, which made Chadwick and Castiel burst out laughing.  
« Dammit… These kids, would you listen to this ?! » he stood up and threw the bread on the plate.  
« I’ll drop you on my way to Greg : I forgot I had a few papers to give him» Castiel said.  
« How much longer will he be out ? »  
« Till the end of the week »  
« Does that mean you’re gonna work extra hours every evening? » Dean asked, a bit perplexed.  
« No, I’m not. We split the tasks at the office. He’s gonna do his best to work a little at home, but this flu fever doesn’t help for sure »  
« Yeah. Tell him to keep his virus to himself. I don’t want you to spread it among the family. I’m an independent businessman, I can’t afford to be sick»  
« Stop complaining » he said as he stood up « C’mon kids, or you’re gonna be very late »  
They all left the kitchen, Apache on their heels.  
.  
Castiel leaned towards Dean.  
« See you later» they exchanged a quick kiss.  
« 5 dollars » They turned around and were surprised to see Jewel standing in front of them, extending her hand toward her brother.  
« Damn, I’ll give ‘em to you later » he sighed, his face marked with anger.  
« Chad ? » his father questioned. « What is this all about? »  
« I bet on none, she bet on one… I lost » the boy replied as he walked away.  
« Thanks » Jewel offered them a big smile.  
« I must be dreaming » snapped Dean, totally staggered.  
« I guess Balty has a very bad influence on them» Castiel started to laugh.  
« Shit ! » Dean mumbled, still unable to cope with this.  
« You should find this quite awesome »  
« What? That my kids bet on our kissing moments? » he said, looking put out.  
« This means they accept us for who we are » he walked away then turned around. « And you, Dean, do you accept it as well? » his hand on the door frame, with a hard expression on his face.  
Dean looked at him and leaned back on his chair.  
« Yes» he nodded.  
Castiel smiled and gently hit the door frame with the palm of his hand.  
« See you »  
Dean was slumped on his chair, looking at the door, forearms on his thighs, staring at his hands. He smiled, feeling happy.  
« Shit ! »

  
 .  
www

  
.  
Castiel remained at Greg’s place for more than an hour. They drank coffee and ate some cake and, eventually, he confessed about his relationship with Dean. His colleague heaved a heavy sigh and smiled.  
«At last ! » was all he could say, shivering and coughing all at once.  
.  
Dean spent all morning at the garage, dealing with administrative paperwork. He hated this but somehow he had to take care of it as his accountant was to visit him at the end of the week and everything had to be clean.  
He smiled for himself, his business was going well, what more could he wish for. He had no intention of growing a larger business. Frank and Kevin were perfect for the job, he was running the affair in a smooth way, he had built a regular customers network and had some occasional ones. He considered himself lucky as several businesses around had closesd their doors, now that the large automobile firms had their own after sales department and offered the same sservices at a cheaper price.  
Yet, Dean had prevailed all these years.  
He closed his eyes, holding a bottle of beer in his hands. He was proud of himself. This wasn’t excessive pride or vanity, he had just thumbed his nose at life...  
After Tessa’s death, he had long thought all would come to a stop, but he’d been wrong, the proof was right there in front of him. It’d just taken him three years to realize it. She’d been right, destiny was always putting you back on the right track, you just had to accept it and acknowledge a helping hand.  
HIS hand… that hand that was now holding his.  
He smiled.  
« You look happy, Boss... It’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this »  
He startled a little. Franck walked to the coffee machine.  
« I am… I really am... Our garage is doing well, I’ve got a great family, friends I can count on » he said, looking sideways at Franck who pretended not to notice. « .... two kids I adore and who love me »  
« And ? » Franck poured himself a cup of coffee.  
« And what ? » Dean drank his beer.  
« And ? » Franck turned around and leaned back against the counter.  
« I just realized that there is a life after death » Dean simply stated.  
« And what’s the name of the lucky girl ? » the other asked, his eyes filled with curiosity.  
Dean hesitated, looked down at the bottle in his hands. He had to know how people would react. Now was the moment of truth.  
« The guy... Lucky, I don’t know » he stared at his bottle, waiting for a reaction that never came.  
He finally raised his eyes. Franck was looking at him, his face expressionless.  
« You don’t seem shocked to hear you boss has come out » he said with a bit of irony and his eyes filled with worry.  
« Well, to be honest, I’m speechless » Franck confessed, feeling a bit perlexed. « It sounds rather… weird» he scratched his head.  
« Are you uncomfortable with it, Franck ? »  
« What, men ? Well, yes, I mean no, It’s just… You are… I mean... » Franck couldn’t fnd the words.  
A brief silence grew between them and they both avoided to look at each other.  
« You ...Are you happy, Boss ? »  
« I am, Franck » Dean immediately answered, surprised by the rapidity of his reaction.  
« In this case, who gives a damn? » He stood up. « I prefer to see you happy even with a guy. After all, I’m not the one to sleep with him » His face suddenly went pale.  
« Sorry, that’s not what I meant »  
« Franck... Relax » Dean smiled.  
« It’s just that I didn’t expect this… I thought that you… I mean, girls, you know» he smiled an embarrased smile.  
« So did I, Franck. You know what they say, don’t knock it until you tried»  
« That’s a way to put it » he started to laugh, feeling more relaxed.  
Dean soon joined him laughing and the noise attracted Kevin in the office.  
« What’s all this fun about ?» he asked, heading to the coffee machine. « What took you so long? Did ya have to grow the beans or what ? » he asked Franck with a nasty smile, grabbing a clean cup.  
« No, the Boss just told me he’s in love with a guy and that took me by surprise » they stopped laughing.  
« It’s about time !» Kevin exclaimed.  
Dean froze, so did Franck.  
« I beg your pardon ? ».  
« It’s Castiel, am I right ? »  
« But… I… you... » This time, Dean was the one stammering.  
« You two have been playing hide and seek for so long. Why are you staring at me ? » Kevin asked, looking at Dean then Franck.  
« How did you know ? » the latter asked, raising an eyebrow.  
« Have you ever seen them together ? »  
« Yes, I have . So what ?»  
« Have you ever seen two friends behave the way they do ? »  
« Actually, I haven’t » he replied after a short moment of reflexion.  
They were talking as if Dean hadn’t been there.  
« See ? » Kevin shrugged his shoulders. « It was just a matter of time ; but I gotta say that brunette almost ruined the whole thing » he said before leaving the office.  
« Which proved my point ». And he was gone.  
« What was this about ? » Dean finally uttered.  
« Dunno… Gotta go, the car won’t repair itself »  
Dean emptied his bottle, speechless.  
« Boss ? »  
« Yes, Franck »  
« I’m happy for you, you know... You deserve it… to be happy even if it’s with … well…» he smiled, yet felt ill at ease.  
« Thanks Franck » Dean was feeling the same.  
 .  
Franck went back with Kevin.  
« Since when did you know about the Boss and his friend ? ».  
« I had no fucking idea, I was only joking...I never thought I’d be right» Kevin started to laugh.  
« Asshole ! » Franck mumbled.  
« All the same, seeing the Boss coming out... Who’d have thought» he said, diving on the Twingo engine.  
« I certainly wouldn’t » snapped Franck.  
« Anyway, it doesn’t change anything as far as I’m concerned » he went on, heading towards a VW  
« Same for me… he remains my boss and my friend. The rest belongs to his private life. And Castiel is a nice guy, I like him» Kevin added.  
« As you say, son » Franck concluded.  
Dean was leaning on the door frame and refrained from laughing as he listened to his employees before he turned back in his office to take care of the paperwork.  
.  
Castiel dropped a message to Madison to confirm their lunch on Saturday.  
He ended the message with:  
« No more blue pill needed » and added a smiley.  
The answer came back at once  
« YESSSSSSS »  
He smiled and left a message to Dean to tell him he’d pick up the kids on his way home, after some shopping.

  
 .  
www

  
 .  
That night, they watched the DVD of their adventures at the ranch, while eating pizzas.  
Chadwick was sitting next to his father, his head resting on his chest.  
On the left, Castiel was holding Jewel in his arms and the little girl couldn’t help but commenting each and every scene with enthusiasm.  
The empty pizza boxes were now lying on the coffee table, under Apache eyes filled with envy.  
« They’re empty» Dean said, wiping his mouth with a paper napking and throwing it at the dog. The animal caught it then spat back it on the floor, looking miserable.  
« Dean » Castiel scolded.  
Dean made a face, which made Jewel laugh.  
« It was so great. We should go again some day, Dad. I’d love to ride again, you know? » Chadwick said, looking at him with begging eyes.  
« We’ll sure go again, promise, but I first have to discuss with Balty how much it’d cost. No way we’ll let him invite us again »  
« Great »  
« Will I get to see Light again ? » Jewel’s face lightened up.  
« Of course, but don’t expect us to go very soon, Pumpkin. Perhaps during the Summer holidays » Dean turned off the DVD reader and put the remote back on the table.  
« We’ll have to wait for too long until then » she pouted.  
« Patience is a virtue, young lady » he gently tapped her nose.  
« Look who’s talking » Castiel sighed with a happy face.  
« You… better watch out, ok ?» Dean gently pushed his son away. « We’d better get some sleep if we wanna be fresh tomorrow »  
« Yes. I’ve already prepared my sled » Jewel jumped in happy anticipation.  
« Awesome, I’m so thrilled » Dean raised his eyes to the ceiling.  
« Now everyone to bed ! » he kissed her.  
When the kids were gone, Dean let out Apache so he could run a little in the garden and watched the animal, his arms folded on his chest.  
« C’mon » he begged, while the dog seemed to take all the time in the world.  
« I’m going upstairss » Castiel whispered behind him.  
« I’ll clean a bit and I’ll go to bed too » Dean replied.  
He didn’t see the sad expression on Castiel’s face.  
« Good night » he said, waiting for a reaction that didn’t come.  
« Good night, Cass » Dean replied, with his back to Castiel, a little smile on his lips.  
He knew Castiel was standing behind him, waiting, and when he felt the man was about to walk away, he turned around and grabbed his wrist.  
« Come here, you silly » he pulled him close and put his lips on his.  
Castiel let Dean lead the kissing game.  
« Good night, Cass » Dean let go of his wrist.  
« Good night, Dean »  
He threw away the pizza boxes, petted Apache one final time and looked around to check everything was clean and in place.  
.

He opened the door, yawning extensively, took off his clothes, keeping his boxer shorts only and slipped between the sheets.  
« Night, Cass »  
« Night, Dean » Castiel replied, his eyes shining in the dark.  
As he made himself comfortable, Dean’s body brushed against Castiel’s and he noticed the man was completely naked under the comforter.  
He turned on one side, with his back to the other and fell asleep, cradled by the quiet breathing of the man next to him, with a hand on his hip, letting him decide if he wanted to fill the gap between them or not.  
That night, Dean didn’t fill the gap, yet he grabbed Castiel’s hand and pulled it against his own chest.

  
    
End of chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note from the translator, Elyrian:
> 
> Dear Readers, I truly aologize for the long delay providing the last chapters of this wonderful adventure. A shoulder surgery is a serious thing and it took me several months to cope with the pain and the rehab. Thank you so much for your patience. I hope you’ll enjoy the remaing chapters of this story. A million thanks to my wonderful Barjy who gave me one of the most thrilling challenges ever. I’m in love with “Family” for sure.


	28. A simply truth

 

Dean grumbled in his sleep which woke Castiel up. He noticed his hand has slided during the night and resumed its initial position, right on his hip.  
He started to gently stroke the skin with the tip of his thumb and Dean slowly emerged from his slumber.  
" Cass ? " he called in a sleepy voice.  
" Hello, Dean "  
The latter turned around and faced him.  
" Hey " he smiled, his face looked tired after the night they had shared.  
" Did you sleep well ? " Castiel timidly asked, his hand sliding on his chest.  
" As a log, what about you ? "  
Castiel simply nodded with a smile. He looked avidly at him but Dean avoided to look back.  
He stretched with a loud yawn.  
" Christ, why did I agree to this outing? I would have preferred to stay home and watch a good movie "  
Castiel raised on one elbow and leaned forward.  
" So would I " his companion replied, with a tender kiss on his lips.  
Dean responded to the kiss yet moved away when he felt Castiel was asking for more.  
" Cass " he whispered as he stroke his hair.  
He saw the sadness fill Castiel’s eyes.  
" Sorry " Dean whispered, kissing his wrist moving close to his lips, brushing against Chadwick’s bracelet.  
" I’m gonna take a shower. I really need it " Castiel said as he turned to get out of bed.  
Dean grabbed his arm.  
" Cass... It’s not that I don’t want to… It’s just that… I don’t know what to do or how, right now. "  
" You should stop asking yourself so many questions" he told Dean, with his back to him.  
" You know me " Dean confessed with a muffled giggle.  
" Yeah, I do… And you usually think a lot less, most of the time " he freed himself from Dean’s hold.  
" Most of the time, but this isn’t what I want with you "  
" Why not ? I wouldn’t mind " he stood up, exposing his bare buttocks to Dean who suddenly stared at the ceiling.  
" As a matter of fact, I’m usually the active one in a couple and now… " he closed his eyes.  
" Are you feeling so uncomfortable that I lead the game ? " Castiel asked while he put on his boxer briefs.  
" No, I’m not, strangely enough, but it’s… it’s just… so new to me. Besides, I gotta admit you’re an expert on this " he added with a bit a sarcasm.  
" Not really, Dean. Over the last years, I have been involved with Balty only, and Michael before him. I just had a couple of lovers before them. It doesn’t really qualify me as an expert, I’m just more gay than you are "  
Dean didn’t answer, but couldn’t help smiling at that. He found Castiel’s lie so touching.  
" I’d love to see you take the initiative next time. But don’t make me wait for too long "  
" Or what? " Dean snapped, staring at him.  
" I could rape you in your sleep" the other man said with a big laugh.  
" I wouldn’t mind " Dean finally said in all seriousness.  
Castiel turned around and looked at him.  
" Don’t tempt me, Dean Winchester " he leaned forward and kissed with passionately. " Don’t tempt me " he said again, heading to the bathroom.  
" By the way… " Castiel stopped at the door.  
" Yeah ?" Dean rubbed his face.  
" About Madison " Castiel went on in a low voice.  
" What about Madison? "  
" She knows about us. I just wanted you to know " he gripped the door frame.  
" What do you mean, she knows ? " Dean sat back on the bed.  
" I told her "  
" What ? You told her we were together? "  
Castiel nodded.  
" And… that we… " he couldn’t finish his sentence.  
" Cass ! " Dean shouted.  
" I needed to tell about us… I had to say it. I’m sorry, Dean "  
" I thought we had decided to keep it for ourselves " Dean sounded angry.  
" YOU have decided" he turned around and faced him.  
" You couldn’t help it, could you ?" Dean jumped on his feet. " You had to proclaim it on the rooftops... Hey everybody, I’m banging Dean Winchester... Classy! " he waved his arms, feeling obviously furious.  
" Dean " Castiel stepped back, feeling hurt.  
" What, Dean ? " he stared at him with a nasty look.  
" Are you… so ashamed of what happened? " Castiel’s face was distraught.  
Suddenly, Dean realized he had gone too far.  
" Cass " he slowly walked towards him and spoke in a gentle voice. " I was just kidding man " he put his hands on Castiel’s shoulders, his eyes lost in his lover’s.  
" You what? " Castiel replied in a whisper.  
" I don’t give a damn you told her. I did the same with Jo. I was just pulling your leg. I never thought you’d take it literally " he said with an apologetic glimmer in his eyes.  
Castiel’s eyes darkened in a split second and Dean understood he had taken one step too far.  
" ASSHOLE " Castiel shouted, brutally pushing his arms down. " ASSBUTT " he hit Dean with both hands on the chest.  
Surprised by the violence of the other’s reaction, Dean fell back on his butt, his face frozen by Castiel’s sudden burst of anger.  
" SCREW YOURSELF " he shouted, slamming the bathroom door behind him.  
   
Castiel leaned with both hands on the sink and tried to calm down. His heart hurt so much, he was gasping for air.  
He looked at his reflection in the mirror when he heard a gentle knock on the door.  
" Cass...Cass "  
" Leave me alone " he said in a tired voice.  
" Man, I’m sorry "  
The seconds stretched as if they were hours.  
" Door’s unlocked " Castiel finally said.  
Dean entered without delay. He observed the other’s back for a long while. Castiel was dressed in his boxer shorts only, and his face looked so tired in the mirror.  
" I acted like a moron " he felt so unfomfortable.  
He had put on his pants and was bare-chested and barefoot. He was staring at his feet, unable to cross eyes with Castiel, even his reflection in the mirror.  
" I thought you understood "  
" Understood what, Dean ? " his tone was exasperated.  
Dean stepped closer and leaned against his back. Castiel shivered under the touch.  
" You mean so much to me, Cass... I’m scared, you know. ‘Cause I haven’t felt that way since… " Cass felt Dean’s breath on the back of his neck" ... since Tessa " Dean kissed his neck, putting his arms around him and pressing his body against his.  
Castiel suddenly turned around and grabbed his face in his hands, taking his lips.  
Reluctantly, they eventually parted in search of air.  
" I suppose this mean you forgive me ? " Dean smirked, sure of himself.  
" You’re nothing but a bastard " Castiel sighed, stroking his cheek with his hand. " A certified bastard " he tenderly pushed him away. " Get the hell outa here. I REALLY need a shower".  
" We could take a shower together if you want to ? " Dean’s voice wasn’t that confident though.  
" Dean… " Castiel went on." Do you know what it’d mean ? Are you sure that’s what you want ? "  
Dean walked again closer ; everything in his bearing showed clumsiness and fear, yet he refused to let go, he never wanted to let go of this man, ever again. He refused to silence the need he felt for this body against his, even if it scared the hell out of him... He faced Castiel and put a shaking hand on the other’s hip, leaning towards him. Castiel let out a moan, rubbing his forehead in Dean’s neck.  
" If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t be here " He kissed him down his shoulder, feeling both apprehension and desire in his guts.  
   
With his head back on the shower wall, Dean leaned into the waves of pleasure, giving a damn if anyone could hear. He didn’t give a damn that a man kneeling between his thighs.  
He loved it, he loved being loved by him.  
He looked down and put a hand on his dark hair. The other grabbed his fingers with one hand and held his hip with the other, refraining him from moving, staring at the other’s neck... His legs started to shake… A burning warmth was spreading inside and he lost it...  
" Cass " his body tensed and he came in a hoarse cry.  
He felt Castiel slowly getting back on his feet and when he took his lips, he felt his own taste in the other’s mouth.  
Dean gently pulled his face away. He desperately needed to watch him, to dive in those eyes, pupils dilated.  
He just whispered “You” with tenderness. That’s all Dean could say, as his hand traveled down his chest, the other still holding the back of the other’s neck.  
Castiel closed his eyes when he felt Dean’s hand grab his desire as they kissed feverishly. As his lover’s hand gained speed, he felt the other’s smile on his lips.  
Lukewarm water mixed with their pleasure.  
Suddenly, it all seemed so natural for Dean... He wasn’t just holding to another man’s body...  
It was Castiel, the man he loved.

One day, he’d have to find the courage to utter this simple truth. Until then, he would show him how he felt.

  
   
www

  
   
They all left at about 11a.m. to Johnson Hill wood, several miles away. It was a place with gentle slopes the children would have fun sliding down... They all stepped out of the car, wearing hat, scarf and gloves and dragging the sleds in their wake... Their faces were glowing with joy.  
Apache was frolicking around the kids, happily barking, never losing sight of them.  
There were only a couple of cars parked there and Dean savored the fact that actually very few people would come to this place. They would share precious moments among themselves...  
He was far from being anti-social but he also needed those intimate moments since he was in a relationship. Because there was no way he could deny it now, Castiel and him were now …one...  
He smiled as he watched him play with Apache while the kids were dragging their sled up the first slope.  
" Be careful " he shouted, assessing the height they were climbing.  
" Dad… Are you coming ? " Jewel painfully pulled a sled that seemed to weigh more than herself.  
He sighed, raising his eyes to heaven and joined her.  
Once at the top of the small hill, they watched Castiel waving his arms down the hill. Jewel waved her little arms as well.  
" Watch me, Castiel " she shouted, taking place on her seld.  
" Ready, Pumpkin ? " Dean asked, sitting behind her.  
" Yeaaaaaah " she was jiggling against her father.  
" Chad ? " he turned to his son.  
" Ready " the latter announced, all smiles.  
" Let’s go " he pushed the sled that rushed down in a great mix of shouting and laughing.  
" YIHAAAAAAAAAAA " Dean screamed, feeling like a kid again.  
Castiel, his arms folded on his chest, waited down the hill, Apache sitting at his feet.  
Dean slowed down and broke with both feet on the ground, which created a big wave of snow in front of the dog, shaking itself vigorously as a cloud of snow landed on his nose.  
" Your turn " Dean handed the rope to Castiel.  
" No way... You know I hate this"  
" C’mon Cass... Don’t play chicken " Dean teased.  
" I said NO " Castiel pretended to sulk.  
" Chiiiicken ! " he went on prattling, Chadwick and Jewel on his heels.  
" You’re such a pain! " he grabbed the rope. " I’ll do this once, not twice " he cursed, dragging the sled behind him and walking up the hill.  
" Here you go, Dad " Chadwick handed the rope to this father.  
" Thanks " Dean chuckled. " I’ll show him what I can do "  
" Go on, Batman Dad " Jewel shouted, clapping her little gloves to encourage her father.  
" Go go, Robin " Chadwick shouted.  
   
Castiel observed the slope with apprehension, with obvious tension in his eyes.  
" There’s nothing to fear, easy as pie, you just let yourself slide and you hold the rope in front of you… As easy as horse riding " Dean said with a smirk.  
" So that’s why! " Castiel confessed, squinting his eyes.  
" Why what ? " Dean played the innocent one.  
" You only seek revenge because you were elected the worst rider of the century ! " he said with an angry look.  
" Of the century ? " He couldn’t believe it. " I’ll show you who the worst rider is " he grabbed the rope, feeling insulted." The last one down there will be on laundry duty for a whole month "  
" I’m ALREADY on laundry duty every month " Castiel cursed, grabbing the rope of his own sled.  
" OK, so what do you suggest ? "  
" You take care of the laundry… I’ll take care of Apache "  
" Deal? " he extended a hand.  
" Deal! " the other slapped the other’s hand.  
" Get ready to freeze your ass three times a day, chicken " Dean laughed happily.  
" Heat the iron, Cinderella " Castiel snapped back.

" Look at them arguing " Chadwick laughed.  
" Do you think Dad’s gonna win ? " Jewel asked.  
" I think they will both lose " he folded his arms on his chest, staring at the top of the hill.  
" Yeah.. this is gonna be fun " Jewel imitated her brother’s posture.  
" ARE YOU READY ? " Chadwick shouted to the men.  
" SET" his father shouted back.  
" ONE… TWO… GO ! " he waved down his hand.  
" Farewell " Dean saluted Castiel with his hand and pushed the sled downward.  
" Shit! " Castiel grumbled, taking off with his feet.  
Both sleds ruhed down the slope. With their feet wedged, both of them hurtled down full speed.  
" GO CASTIEEEEEEEL " Jewel encouraged, jumping on her feet.  
" DAAAD, SLOW DOOOOWN " Chadwick shouted as he watched his dad belt along a small bump.  
Dean took a full blow, the sled took off and started a dangerous lean to the right.  
" Shiiiiiit " he put a foot on the ground.  
Castiel heard the panicked cry, turned his head to look around and lost control over his own sled, sliding on its side.  
His eyes met Dean’s at the precise moment his own sled turned around and hit Castiel’s full ahead.  
" CASS " Dean broke with both feet and fell on the side." CASS...LET GO OF THE ROPE " and he did immediately.  
The manless sled went down the slope on its own, bouncing like a ball.  
" Jew' " Chadwick pulled his sister to the side.  
" Apache" the dog didn’t wait for long as the sled was rushing down to him.  
It stopped less than a few feet away, but all the children were looking at Castiel’s body, half way down the slope, motionless.

" CASS " Dean ran towards him, almost tripping and finally let himself slide to Castiel, using his feet to control its speed.  
" Shit, talk to me "  
" What happened to him? " Jewel was in a panick, holding close to her brother.  
" I think he got hit by the sled " he put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.  
Dean crouched next to Castiel who was still moving although he seemed rather dazed.  
" Cass " Dean took off his glove and put a hand on the man’s cheek. " Cass " he slowy helped him in a sitting position.  
" Never again " the latter said in a low voice, trying to stand up.  
" Stay put, you idiot... you ran straight for it "  
" I’m all right, Dean ...I’m OK " he reassured.  
" Are you sure? " Dean seemed worried though.  
" Of course, I am… I’ll just grow a wonderful bruise...Some battle scars ! " he laughed.  
" You scared the living shit outa me, jerk " he kissed him." C’mon, grab your sled and let’s go down "  
" You go ahead " Castiel pushed him away. " I’m walking the rest of the way " he smiled.  
" You sure you’re OK ? "  
" I’m fine" he started to walk down the slope.  
When he joined the children, Jewel jumped in his arms.  
" Are you hurt ? "  
" No, Sweetie, I’m fine... You fell from your seld once, right ? So, it was my turn today " he gently put her back on her feet.  
" Castiel ? " Chadwick’s eyes were asking a silent question.  
" Everything’s fine... But don’t count on me for the next ride… I’m not into sliding sports " he confessed, brushing the snow from his coat.  
Dean stopped next to them.  
" What about some pancakes to celebrate? " he proposed with a mocking smile.  
" Yessssss " Jewel gladfully approved.  
" ‘Cause I’ve had it" Dean went on, stepping from his sled.  
" That being said, you lost " he winked at Castiel. " You’re on Apache duty" he was all smiles, grabbed his sled and grabbed his daughter by the shoulder.  
" What an oaf ! " Castiel let out a heavy sigh and grabbed his own sled, followed by Chadwick and the dog, happily chasing each other.  
" Technically, the first sled reaching the arrival is the winner " Castiel pointed out.  
" I didn’t hear it " Dean uttered casually.  
" My ass… All this because of a stupid horse riding mishap... Don’t tell me you’ve been plotting this for months ? "  
He heard Dean giggle.  
" Tell me I’m dreaming… So now, who’s behaving like a kiddo here ? " Castiel sounded discouraged.  
" One month, Cass " the other one insisted, with sparkling eyes.  
" One month without a shower, Dean " Castiel mumbled, walking ahead of him.  
" What do you mean? " Dean wondered, walking faster to catch up. " You wouldn’t dare, would you? "  
" Just watch me ! " he shared an accomplice smile with Chadwick and his sister.  
They couldn’t help squabbling until they reached the edge of the woods. The children brushed the snow from their sled, carefully observing the adults with a smile.  
All in all, nothing had changed ; their father and Castiel were the same as always. The only difference was that they were now sharing the same shower. This thought made Chadwick laugh a little, although it sounded a bit weird to him.  
" C’mon, kids, let’s go. I’m starving ! " Dean finally claimed, leaving Castiel behind.  
" He’s gonna pee on your rosebushes, too bad ! " the latter said, pretending to be furious.  
" I don’t have any, you silly. He’s gonna pee on your christmas tree " he slammed the door shut.  
" I hadn’t thought of that… damn! " Castiel started to laugh.

  
   
www

  
   
The rest of the week stretched on at the same rhythm. Nothing had changed, not even the dog’s walk schedule.  
The real difference was Dean wasn’t sleeping alone anymore.  
He would join Castiel in his apartment, except on a certain Wednesday when they fell in each other’s embrace, shared a more passionate kiss and had barely enough time to reach Dean’s bedroom.  
Their intimate relationship remained what it had been up till then. Dean still felt some reluctance to do certain gestures. On that particular Wednesday, when he felt Castiel’s hair softly brush against his groin, crushing on his pillow, hit by a wave of pleasure, he told himself that he would have to take that step one day himself.  
   
Castiel still had lunch every day with Madison ; they were talking about this and that and not only about their respective relationships any longer...  
Castiel was happy, it clearly showed on his face : no more questions needed, all the answers were right there.  
" You’re glowing " Madison said with a huge smile, sipping her coffee. " I think I’m gonna need sunglasses " she teased.  
" Do you like cornbread chicken? " Castiel casually asked, biting in his sandwich.  
" Yeah… why d’you ask ? "  
" ‘Cause it’s what Dean’s probably gonna cook for you on Saturday. It’s his specialty. Honey cornbread chicken. " he said with an almost nervous smile.  
" Cool. We’ll bring the dessert " she replied, drinking her coffee. " Any preference ? "  
" An apple pie would be just fine " Castiel replied without hesitation.  
" Of course, I don’t even know why I asked " she laughs.  
" Jared won’t miss boring Dean with his trucks…. He’s got that problem with a transformer or something like that"  
" He’ll be delighted. He’s in heaven the moment you start talking about screws and oil dipstick... " he confirmed, wiping his mouth.  
" I’d like to bring a little something for the kids. Any idea what would please them ? "  
" They have everything they need… That’s nice of you to ask. The dessert will be just fine "  
She stared at him for a little while, with a wry smile.  
" I guess I told you already, but anyway, one never says it quite enough to the ones who matter in your life" she leaned towards him. " I love you, Castiel Novak. If you weren’t gay and if I wasn’t married to the genuine stunner fireman on this planet, I’d marry you " she said, getting up half way and quickly pressing her lips on his chapped mouth.  
" You’re so cute and your Dean doesn’t know the hell of a luck he has to be blessed with such an angel to watch over him" she smiled with genuine tenderness.  
" I’m also blessed, you know "  
" 10 years of solitary pleasure, talk about blessing!" she raised an eyebrow.  
" Madi " he sighed. A leopard cannot change its spots, he thought, watching her mocking look.  
" What ? Am I right or am I right? " she went on, stealing a lump of sugar. " I’d love to know how many times you screamed Dean's name when reaching your climax " she pointed an accusing finger at him.  
" I.. " he didn’t know how he could reply to that.  
" My God " she sounded stunned. " Poor Balty" she started to laugh.  
" It didn’t happen that often" he felt uncomfortable.  
" THAT often. That’s encouraging " she laughed even more.  
" Why do you always have to get back to this ? "  
" Because this is precisely what makes the world go round, Honey " she winks. " And to be honest, it’s more fun to talk about this than Steinbeck" she waved at the waiter.  
" So, I can’t make it tomorrow, school meeting… I’ll have to cope with Laetitia’s awful sandwiches, but I consider it a lesser evil compared to the 3-hour Xmas post exam follow-up " she sighed.  
" See you Saturday, then. Got the address ?"  
" Yep, you can count on us. And you gave me the address three times. Jared has a day off, so he won’t bail out for an emergency, except if the Pentagon is on fire" she stood up and dropped a ten-dollar note on the table. " Gotta go " she kissed Castiel’s forehead.  
" See you on Saturday "  
Castiel left the office earlier that day and called Jo to check whether she could take care of the children, which she accepts without a hesitation.  
" May I know what’s happening ? " she asked in an amused tone.  
" I don’t even know myself " Castiel replied, surprised by his own answer...  
Honestly, he didn’t know. Right now, he was running on free thought.  
He stepped into his car and smiled. Come what may.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean was leaning on a Toyota engine.  
" Godammit, fucking Japanese car ! " He was so pissed right now...  
The car had been defying him all morning. He hadn’t taken a lunch break and wasn’t ready to give up just yet. It was out of the question that this car was to resist him, at any cost.  
" Hello Dean " he heard the deep voice behind him.  
Well, maybe not… he smiled as he recognized Castiel.  
" What the hell are you doing here ? " he turned around, all smiles.  
" I wanted to see you "  
" Something wrong with the kids? " he suddenly sounded worried.  
" Kids are fine " he extended a reassuring smile.  
" Why aren’t you at work ? " he peaked at the wall clock.  
" I took the afternoon off… Too many hours on the clock " he explained as he wiped a dirty grease spot on Dean’s nose.  
He suddenly felt Kevin was watching him.  
" Hey Castiel " the latter greeted with an equivocal smile.  
" Hello Kevin... It’s been a while . How are you doing ? I hope your wife and kids are doing fine? "  
" They’re all fine, thank you... "  
" Kev'... Would you mind giving us five minutes ? " The man nodded and headed for the office.  
" So, tell me " he turned to face Castiel. " You must have come in here less than a dozen times, right? Why did you come "  
" I wanted to spend some time with you, just the two of us "  
" Don’t you think we spend enough time together as it is? " he replied with shining eyes.  
" Dean "  
" Got something on your mind ? " he asked, feeling a bit skeptical.  
" No " he smiled. " I asked Jo to take care of the children....I... do you think it’s stupid ? Too chick lit" he felt clumsy.  
" Too what? " Dean raised an eyebrow, he wasn’t familiar with that reference.  
" Nothing. Forget it " he felt a bit disappointed by the turn of events.  
" This doesn’t sound like you " Dean smiled.  
" What do you mean ? "  
" You’re feeling ill-at-ease.... especially with me " his tone was now soft. " You’re always sure of yourself, the most balanced one between us, at least" he said, rubbing the back of his neck.  
" See ? That’s where you’re wrong " Castiel smiled, looking down. " Dean? "  
" Yes, Cass ? " he started to feel a bit nervous by his attitude.  
" Do you believe in us ?"  
Dean had an idea of what was eating Castiel from the inside.  
" I’m not Michael, Cass…I’m not playing with you. The way you feel about me, I feel the same about you...Do you understand ? So yes, I believe in us and I’d like to know why you thought otherwise after all we’ve been through to get there".  
" Shit. I feel so dumb... I sound like a pubescent kid, although I’m of age to be father " he let out a heavy sigh. " Never mind, I don’t know what got into me… I’m gonna tell Jo she can stay at home… We’ll meet at dinner " he started to walk away.  
" Cass "  
" Forget it, Dean " he waved his hand at him.  
" Wait ! " the other walked to him. " I’m gonna take a quick shower. Just give me five minutes, so that I can get rid of that dirt "  
" Dean...No... Go on slaughtering that poor car and we’ll meet at home, we’ll watch one of those old movies of yours, all right ?"  
“First of all, I’m not slaughtering that car, I’m grooming it, big difference" he pointed at the vehicle. " Then, gimme a fucking break with my old movies" he added, folding his arms on his chest. "And finally, you’re gonna wait for me right here, and that’s final!"  
" And what then? You’re tired and I don’t have the slightest idea about... forget it! "  
" Shut up ! Go grab a coffee and you better be there when I come back " He said, staring at him in the eye.  
" As you wish "  
"Good" he said, pointed at the desk.  
" Kevin !! " Dean shouted.  
" Yeah, beloved Boss "  
" Get your fucking Chinky ass in here and get that car fixed before I send it to the scrapyard " he shouted, in a very angry voice.  
" I ain’t Chinky " the latter grouched. " I’m half Japanese on my mother’s side and half Hawaian on my father’s side " he stated, walking towards the Toyota.  
" Who gives a damn ? It’s all slanting eyes to me " his lips stretched in a sarcastic smile.  
" What about you get your little gay ass to the shower and let me take care of your Japanese conundrum, huh ?" Kevin snapped back, yet cautiously.  
Dean was about to talk back again when he heard Castiel’s laughter and lost his composure.  
He headed to the shower fixed at the back of the garage premises. He slammed the door with violence.  
" Nice shooting ! " Castiel said, taking a seat at the desk.  
   
Castiel was watching the pictures on the wall. He smiled at a picture of them at the Black Horse.  
On the right, there was a picture of Mary, with a 16-17 year-old Dean and his sister. The time of innocence.  
On the desk, there was a picture of the children and one of Dean and Tessa ; he felt a twinge of sorrow.  
What would she think of all this ? Would she be mad at him ? She had trusted him completely; he suddenly wondered whether he had betrayed her by loving Dean as well. She must have known back then, she had always been able to read in his heart.  
Dean walked in at that precise moment.  
" Cass ? " he called in a deep tone.  
" I feel like I’ve betrayed her " Castiel heaved a deep sigh, grabbing the picture.  
" What are you talking about ? " he kneeled at his feet." Cass...Tessa’s dead... We are alive. "  
" I know, Dean, but this is… wrong " he softly stroke the picture with the tip of his thumbs.  
" Wrong to love me ?"  
" You were the love of her life, she was yours… I shouldn’t do this"  
" Why not, Cass ? "  
" I shouldn’t be in love with you, in remembrance of her, but I … can’t help it. "  
" Cass " he forced him to raise his head and look at him. " I’ve asked myself the same questions and I remembered our discussions… when… " he sighed. " ...when she was sick. She made me promise to be happy again, she told me she’d watch over me, whatever it would take, that Heaven or Hell could wait, because of the price she’d have to pay "  
Castiel smiled : it sounded all too well like Tessa, with the same words she had spoken as her world collapsed when she got back from New York.  
" She loved you, Cass... She wouldn’t stop talking about you... Maybe she guided us towards each other "  
Castiel started to laugh although his laughter was lacking of joy.  
" Do you believe this bullshit now ?"  
" I do believe now that I see you in front of me " he took the picture from his hands and put it on the desk.  
Their eyes met. Dean put a gentle hand on his cheek.  
" I... " he smiled at this simple truth. " I love you, Cass "

 

End of chapter


	29. Unintended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> his is the last chapter of this story, I would like to thank all the readers (those of the shadow or the light), to have followed, loved or reviewed this fic.  
> Once again, I apologize for the delays in publication. There are things in life against which we can't do anything: health problems are one of them.  
> I take this opportunity to thank with all my heart, Elyrian who despite his operation and his long rehabilitation has found the time to finish translating my story.  
> There will be OS bonus in the weeks or months to come, but I leave it to her to choose the delays, her health premium before all the rest.  
> I hope you will enjoy this final. I have a lot of affection for this fic, this stepfamily family has become over the words, a little bit mine. I hope it will be the same for you.
> 
> Thank you and see you soon.

 

 

Dean hadn’t said anything; just a few phone calls and all was in place, because it had to be, because the time had come.  
Castiel had gone to pick up the children. Jewel had resumed her dance class with less enthusiasm than before, because in the meantime Marissa had introduced her to tennis. Chadwick had started to go swimming again.

There was a ring at the door and considering Apache’s reaction, he knew they had arrived.  
He wiped his hands on the towel and abandoned the chicken and marinade.  
He opened the door and couldn’t hide his joy to see them again.  
« Hi Deano » his nose was reddened by the cold and his eyes were shining.  
« Balty » he pulled him in and held him in his arms. Balty smiled and returned the embrace.  
« Happy to see you too » he patted his back and pulled away. « Dean.... Let me introduce you to Bryan » he stepped aside to let his companion enter.  
« Finally, I get to meet the man who managed to trap the biggest pant chaser in the universe » Dean said in an amused tone, extending a hand to the visitor.  
«....and skirt chaser too » Balty went on, laughing.  
« Sir.... I’ve heard about you and your family for so long » he took off his gloves and shook hands with him.  
« Call me Dean…Cass doesn’t know you’d come… I…. I wanted it to be a surprise… Jo can’t make it, she’s attending an opening in Los Angeles… Bobby will catch up later » he said, taking their coats.  
He saw a bit of sadness in Balty’s eyes, filled with a touch of nostalgia. The latter turned to Bryan and smiled.  
« Sorry Honey, but in this house… Don’t get me wrong» he put a reassuring hand on his arm.  
« I understand. Don’t worry » said Bryan.  
Dean watched them, a discreet smile stretching his lips.  
Bryan was about the same height as Castiel, with a bit more muscles. A bit of facial hair made him look a bit like a bad boy, reinforced by what he was wearing: cowboy boots, a pair of jeans, horse head buckle belt and plaid shirt. The only item missing was the cowboy hat, Dean said to himself.  
« Make yourself comfortable ... I’m gonna put these upstairs » he said, climbing up the stairs with the coats in his arms.  
« Where is he? » Balty asked.  
« He’s gone to pick up the kids... There’re some beers in the fridge, help yourselves » he offered.  
Balty causally looked around in the living room, Bryan observed him getting lots in his thoughts. It wasn’t his place to judge, he knew how essential this house and family were to Balty, because of the many years he had spent around them.  
« Are you OK? » he discreetly asked with a hint of bitter sadness in his voice.  
« Yes, my angel... It just sounds like I turned a page of my life and it…»  
«...hurts? » Bryan finished his sentence.  
« Yes »  
« You know… nothing forces you to turn that page... I wouldn’t mind sharing a bit of that past and that family with you»  
« For real? » Balty’s face lightened.  
« I’m aware of what he means to you» Bryan answered, looking down.  
« He means a lot to me, that’s for sure, and he always will... We shared 7 years together but… with you, it’s different » he put a finger under his chin and forced his companion to look at him.  
« I love Castiel, so much, but it has nothing to do with the way I love you. My life is with you, my future is with you… I love YOU, you know that, don’t you? » He insisted as Bryan hadn’t said a word.  
« I know, but it’s always a pleasure to hear it again » he kissed him and Balty could feel the smile on his lips.  
« C’mon… Let’s get that beer »

While Balty was playing in the garden with Apache that tagged along since his arrival, Bryan helped Dean with the preparation of the corn. They got to know each other better, talking about this and that. When Balty came back with the dog on his heels, they were laughing out loud.  
« Shit… it’s freezing out there » he announced, clinging to Bryan’s back.  
« Balty » He shouted when the other put his freezing hands on his neck. « You jerk! » he said, pushing him away and rubbing his neck to warm it again.  
« Coffeeeeee !» Balty pleaded.  
« Help yourself » Dean laughed.  
« How many guests do you expect? » Balty asked, grabbing a cup.  
« 8 for dinner» Dean replied, pulling a face.  
« Well… we’re gonna have to squeeze, don’t you think? » he pointed at the kitchen table.  
« You may have noticed we have a dining room table » Dean glared at him.  
« Which one? You mean the one folded and stuck to the wall that you never use? » He peeked at the kitchen door. « That being said, you don’t have that many guests, right? » he poured himself a cup of coffee.  
« Screw you, Balty...that kitchen table just does fine, most of the time »  
« I miss that » Balty smiled, leaning on the cupboard.  
« What do you mean ? »  
« Your colorful language »  
« Go fuck yourself » Dean snapped back, turning around to face him.  
« You go first» Their eyes met, there was brief silence. All had been said.  
« Thanks » Dean finally said, resuming his cooking.  
« The pleasure was mine» he drank a little in an attempt to hide the emotion in his voice.  
Bryan had stepped aside, sipping his beer and petting Apache’s head. He met his lover’s eyes and winked. The latter winked back.  
« What time is it now? » Dean mumbled, looking at the clock on the wall. 11h45. Madison should be there any minute. As well as Cass »  
« You should relax, otherwise you’re gonna have a heart attack before the meal» Balty teased him.  
« I... » Dean stopped moving. « It all happened too fast… I’m having a hard time coping with it all » he finally confessed.  
« I beg your pardon? » Balty asked, with his eyes wide open.  
« It all seems obvious for you, for all of you, but for me, Balty… »  
« Are you all right? » he felt surprised by this sudden change of tone.  
Bryan walked out of the kitchen, as he felt it was better to leave the two of them alone, knowing Dean wouldn’t confess in front of a stranger. Dean let out a heavy sigh, wanting to free himself of what was on his mind.  
« What’s happening? » Balty asked in a low voice.  
« Nothing… I… I love him, that’s what happening… And it scares me… All of this is scaring me. » He rubbed his face with both hands. « I’m scared I could be unable to be the one he needs…to give him what he needs »  
« Dean, what is this all about? »  
« It’s… I can’t explain. It’s all so different and complicated »  
« What are you talking about? You love him, he loves you. You’re showing everyone here» he said, pointing at the living room. « Where’s the problem? It’s physical, is that it? » Balty said bluntly.  
« Dammit! » Dean grumbled, walking away.  
« I thought it was working between you two? I thought that you… and him... » All of a sudden, Balty was afraid to hear the answer.  
« I like this » Dean whispered. « I like being with him but I feel like… » Dean leaned on the counter, obviously lost. « You’re the only one I can talk to about this. I’m so sorry to bother you with my feelings, but I don’t wanna lose him, you know....» he squeezed the counter border. « I never thought it would screw my head after the first step… but I realize that… that I’m gonna have to … If only I could refrain from overthinking all the time » he violently hit the counter with both hands.  
« What’s your current situation? » Balty dared to ask.  
« We’re further than I’d have imagined I could go » Dean laughed ironically. « ...but one day, that won’t be enough... one day, I will have to go beyond letting him come to me, I’ll have to go to him and … I … I can’t… I’m stuck ».  
« Have you talked to him about it? »  
« Yes, I have »  
« And? »  
« He’s not really objective » Dean smiled, refraining from laughing.  
« Dean... Everyone has to walk at his own pace… You’re come so far, you and him. For him, it’s already a lot more than what he wished for. Who’d have believed a few months ago this would happen? »  
« Not me » Dean was now laughing, raising an eyebrow. « Holy shit, not me, for sure » he turned to his meal preparation again. « If it hadn’t been for him, I’d never… » Dean suddenly stopped talking.  
« It was only him and it will always be him and only him. You were the man of one woman. You’ll be the man of one man» Balty went on.  
Dean gave him a sidelong look.  
« You were referring to him, right? »  
Balty frowned and wondered where Dean was heading at.  
« After… after the attack… when he got home… you told me he was the man of one man… You always knew, right? »  
He looked down.  
« You didn’t wanna hear about it… I thought you’d never understand » he sighed.  
« Understand what? That I was gay somehow without knowing it? » He stopped stirring.  
« Not that… just that you were in love with him » Balty played with his cup. « You weren’t ready yet… I had forgotten how much she had meant for you… Castiel has told me but… I so wanted him to be happy. He means so much to me »  
« I know, Balty… One lifetime won’t be enough to thank you for what you did. We owe you everything »  
« You already thanked me… by accepting me in your midst. »  
« I told you and I’ll tell you again, you’re part of this family… And know that Bryan is welcome too, the family will be happy to grow ».  
« Thanks, Deano. Thank you so much»  
« How come each time we meet, the conversation revolves around this subject? » Dean started to laugh.  
« May I point out that I wasn’t the one to start talking about it, this time, not the time before, if I’m correct ? » he said with a bit of irony.  
« Touché »  
« Sunk » the other one said as he walked away.  
« Dean » Balty called when he reached the door.  
« Hmm »  
« Stop asking yourself so many questions… Your heart already knows the answers » he left the kitchen.

Dean sighed and smiled.

 

www

  
   
The front door opened and the children rushed in the living room, greeted by Apache that ran from one to the other.  
« Hello, who are you? » Castiel asked as he took off his hat, staring at the unknown guy in front of him.  
« The name’s Bryan » a voice on his right said.  
« Ba...Balty » Castiel’s face lightened as he saw his former lover walking towards him.  
« Hi Cassie » he opened his arms.  
Castiel kept his coat on, but took off his gloves and walked closer.  
« Balty » he said in a whispered voice. « I missed you so much»  
« I missed you too, Babe» he said with a smile.  
Castiel stepped closer and kissed those lips he knew like the back of his hand, pulling Balty into his embrace.  
Balty held him tight, his head slowly sliding on the side of his neck.  
Castiel finally patted him on the back and pulled away. They were staring at each other.  
« What about presentations?! » he turned to Bryan, lost between Chadwick and Jewel who looked at each other without a clue.  
« You look like you’ve seen a ghost. » Balty said mockingly. « Don’t I even get a hug? » he pouted, looking at the children with a dismayed face.  
« Baltyyyyyy » Jewel screamed, rushing into his arms. He grabbed her and lifted her from the floor, kissing her.  
« Holy mackerel, kids, I missed you so much» he grabbed Chadwick’s shoulder as the boy walked closer.  
« We missed you too, you know » the boy said, smiling and holding him tight.  
Balty ruffled his hair.  
« I’m Castiel » he extended a hand.  
« Bryan » the guy shook it.  
« There was nothing... » He felt a bit embarrassed by his attitude towards Balty. « It’s just... » He went on, stammering still.  
« I know » Bryan let go of his hand and smiled. « I know your story, as well as yours » he went on, turning to look at Dean who had just entered the room.  
« Well, what about setting the table, huh? The other guests should arrive any time now » Dean proposed, clapping his hands.  
Jewel jumped from Balty’s arms to go kiss her father while Chadwick took off his coat, starting a conversation with Bryan, fascinated by his belt buckle.  
Castiel turned to Dean and planted a quick kiss on hi slips. Dean felt his cheeks turn to red as he wasn’t used to demonstration of tenderness in public; he was feeling uncomfortable and was waddling where he was.  
« I take it that you liked my surprise » he said, rubbing the back of his neck.  
« Yep » the man let his hand go down his butt then walked away to help Chadwick set the table.  
Dean had closed his eyes, feeling Balty staring at him.  
« And you, just shut up » he pointed a finger at him, before opening his eyes again.  
« I didn’t say a word » he raised his hands, as if to surrender.  
« I can hear you think from here ».  
« Pffffft » Balty joined Bryan. « That being said, how can one resist to such a gorgeous ass, huh? » he mumbled, staring at his butt in a lustful way.  
« BALTY »  
The latter started to laugh and nodded to Bryan.  
« C’mon Cow Boy, let’s take care of that table before Mister here starts another identity crisis again».  
« Fuck you, Balty » Dean cursed.  
« Again! » Balty was laughing some more.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean was busy finishing the meal preparation when the last guests arrived. He felt a slight tension in his body.  
Madison, as a silent witness, a woman who had supported Castiel when he thought all was lost… the one who, somehow, had saved them both.  
He sighed, hearing the laughters and introductions, Balty’s booming voice and the one of a stranger, probably Jared, Madison’s husband. He felt like a coward not daring to go and confront that woman’s eyes, as she knew all about their path and hesitations. She was Castiel’s friend, the external witness. He didn’t want to confront her in front of the others as he felt she might judge him for doubting Castiel, for hurting him.  
He was carving the chicken when he heard the mixed sounds of their voices come nearer as they came in the kitchen. He put down the knife and wiped his hands, without taking the first step.  
« Dean » Castiel called him softly.  
He turned around after hesitating for a few seconds, trying to maintain some sort of arrogance while he was standing there, feeling like an open book with torn pages.  
« Cass » he met Castiel’s eyes, trying to find some strength in there.  
« So, you’re the famous Dean » Madison claimed in a cheerful voice.  
Dean squeezed the counter border harder to try to maintain whatever courage he had left. She stepped forward with a big smile.  
« I know now why he felt in love with you at first sight » she extended a hand. « I’m so pleased to meet you at last»  
« I… So am I » he finally said, extending a weak hand to shake hers.  
« Usually, the ones to be impressed are my students. Are you scared of me, by any chance? » She asked with a bit of irony.  
« You bet » he looked down, his lips stretching in a smile. « Teachers always had that effect on me »  
« I can see that» she added walking to the cooker. « Smells really good » she lifted a lid.  
« When do we eat? » she raised an eyebrow  
« As soon as I’m done with these » Dean pointed the chicken.  
« I’ll help you » she nudged him.  
« You sure? ».Dean asked  
« Why not? »  
« As you wish »  
She turned to Castiel who was standing a few steps behind.  
« Come and help us? »  
« I’m no good in a kitchen » he said as he walked closer.  
« I would even say crap» Dean went on, winking at Madison.  
« I’m pretty sure he generously compensates in other areas » she said with a knowing smile, looking at Dean who blushed.  
« Men and their dirty minds » she started to laugh.  
« Honey? » a male voice called.  
« Jared....I’m so sorry. Come here, little sweet heart»  
Dean turned around. “  
« Little? » he thought, as he looked at the guy.  
The man was not far from 6’5“ and his slender silhouette made him look even bigger, which made Dean suddenly feel… very small.  
« Jared, may I present you Dean » she wrapped an arm around her husband’s waist.  
« Pleased to meet you… Madi told me so much about you » the man said with sparkling eyes, looking at Dean then Castiel, as he extended a hand.  
« You’re the famous fireman who collects old trucks, right? » Dean squeezed back his hand.  
«...and who tried to restore them the best he can » Jared went on, brushing a lock of hair from his forehead.  
« If you need some help, you can count on me… I love oldies and challenges»  
« Awesome...perfect timing… I was looking for a good mechanic. »  
« We’ll talk about this later, if you don’t mind » Dean pointed at the chicken that was getting cold.  
« With pleasure » Jared then turned to his wife. « Where are the car keys? We forgot the wine and cakes on the back seat »  
« In my coat’s right pocket » she stood on tiptoe to kiss him.  
« OK… I’ll be right back » he walked out of the kitchen.  
« You know what? » Madison asked with a large smile, looking at both men standing in front of her.  
« What? » Castiel asked, raising the lid of the corn casserole to prevent water from overflowing.  
« I now understand why you’re so attached to this family… Just looking at you together and… » she smiled. « You’re magical… I love you already » she grabbed the salad bowl and walked out of the kitchen, shouting:  
« He’s hot as hell »

Dean felt Castiel’s eyes on him. None of them knew who she was referring to.  
« She’s a real tornado» Dean said in a whisper.  
« I know » the other replied, feeling a bit embarrassed.  
« I love her » Dean said, looking at Castiel.  
« So do I » he stepped closer.  
« Do you think we are granted that twice in one lifetime? » he stared at him.  
« What do you mean? » Castiel was perplexed.  
« Never mind » Dean resumed the chicken preparation.  
Castiel stepped closer, behind his back and held Dean’s hands tight in his own, their fingers entwined. Dean dropped his knife and closed his eyes. He felt Castiel’s kiss on his neck.  
« I love you, Dean Winchester » he immediately stepped back, leaving Dean wordless.  
Dean was alone in the kitchen, with a shy smile on his lips...  
He looked at the garden and then up.  
« Tessa »  
A page had been turned, a chapter was closed, a new one was starting… But it was the same book.

  
   
www

 

The dinner stretched in a joyful hubbub. Dean was sitting at one end of the table, Castiel in front of him at the other end, not so far apart, the table wasn’t that big, just enough. Jewel was sitting next to Madison, herself to the left of her husband. Opposite Chadwick kept staring at Bryan under the tender gaze of Castiel. As for Balty, he didn’t stop to raise Dean.   
They bickered, spoke to one another, without any order, as if all were in their place, as if this family suddenly had grown without questions asked, in the most natural way. Jared felt directly integrated just like Bryan.  
Madison's freedom of expression mingled with that of Balty sparkled and made all of them laugh more than once around the table. Wine flowed without excess, the dishes were emptied in a good mood. Dean was going back and forth in the kitchen, Apache on his heels.  
Castiel looked at him, distractedly. He watched him laugh, take offense without being really offended, repel Balty who couldn’t help harassing him, the latter taking Madison to witness every time he could. He felt happy, as he hadn’t been in years. He had found his place, his true place ... with him.  
Dean met his gaze and his smile faded to mingle with his. They got lost in their own bubble. He startled when his daughter shook his arm. "Dad .... Dad ....can I be excused? .... I’d like to show my room to Madi"  
"Jewel, leave Madi alone ... you'll show your room next time", running his hand through her hair. « Today, I want us to stay together, OK? » he smiled at her.  
She nodded.  
« Can I get Rufus? »  
« Yes, go ahead »  
« I’ll be right back » she smiled at Madison.  
« Rufus? » the woman asked as she watched the little girl run up the stairs.  
« It’s an interactive robot dog I offered her for Christmas» Dean explained, looking at the ceiling.  
« I should have broken a leg the day I offered her that stuff… The sound of it is so…... »  
« I know » Madison started to laugh.  
Castiel was in an intense conversation with Bryan, Balty with Jared. Madison was sitting in the armchair admiring Rufus manipulated by an exited Jewel. Dean was cleaning the table with his son.  
And all this time, Apache was running from one to the other in search of patting, shyly proposing his tennis ball.  
« Not in the house » Castiel said in a rough tone.  
Apache sadly dropped the ball. « Oh C’mon, big balls » and all of a sudden, the dog had managed to seduce his eternal accomplice, Balty.

Hours went by, as coffee and cakes were shared. And then the doorbell rang.  
Dean tensed as he saw a silent question on Castiel’s face.  
The door opened and Bobby walked in.  
« Hi, young ones » he waved a shy greeting to everyone.  
Dean introduced him to Madison, Jared and Bryan. Bobby took Balty in his arms in a strong male embrace, a way to show he meant a lot without showing too much.  
The children grabbed his legs.  
He finally saluted Castiel who seemed a bit lost. Dean walked closer and smiled as he let his hand slide down Castiel’s arms until he delicately brushed his fingers against his wrist before he parted. All had been said in this simple demonstration.  
Castiel had invited Madison and all of a sudden, the whole family was there.  
He came around and looked for Dean who had vanishes from the room.  
They all looked at him as he walked to the kitchen to join Dean.

« Holy cow! » Bobby suddenly exclaimed.  
« Bobby? » Balty was surprised by Bobby’s reaction.  
« Do I look that old-fashioned to you? » the old man mumbled as he finally took off his coat.  
« You know? » he nodded to the kitchen.  
« Yes, I do » the old man confirmed with a mocking smile. «...but I’m not like some who LOVE to shout it from the rooftops » he added, staring at Balty.  
« But… Since when? »  
« For Castiel, since always, I guess… As for Dean, well… I gotta admit I dropped dead when I realized» he pushed his hat up his forehead «....no insult intended » he added for Balty.  
« None taken... I know the feeling » Balty replied with a smirk, which made Bobby mumble even more. Madison let out a muffled giggle as she saw her husband’s perplexed expression.  
Bobby sighed as the room suddenly was filled with heavy silence; he remembered the exchange and Dean’s gesture as a silent declaration in front of his surrogate father. Dean had always been clumsy with words and had hoped this gesture would be explicit enough.  
« When he called me earlier this week and told me about this little… gathering and a revelation, I thought… » He felt uncomfortable.  
« I think we all thought the same » Balty said, more seriously than ever.  
« I must admit I was kinda shocked even I was expecting something like this. That friendship had become a bit weird to me» he scratched his beard.  
He leaned towards to children.  
« What about you, kiddos? »  
« What about us? » Chadwick sounded surprised by the question.  
« Are you OK with this? » he pointed to the kitchen.  
« What, that Dad is in love with Castiel? » Jewel innocently asked, instinctively holding her brother tight.  
Bobby put his hat in place and scratched his forehead.  
« We’re OK with that» Chadwick said. « We’re OK with it because Dad had been so sad lately since… since Mom and now, he’s happy again… really happy and we’re OK with it even if… he’s in love with a man » he looked down. « Because it’s Castiel, he’s our family » he grabbed his sister’s and raised his eyes again. « So yes, Uncle Bobby, we’re OK with it »  
« You kids are awesome! » the old man was touched and took them in his arms, unable to find the words to express how he felt.  
A beautiful lesson of tolerance and love, Madison thought, her fingers entwined with her husband’s.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean was rinsing the saucepans after starting the coffee machine for the nth time of the afternoon. He suddenly felt a hand force him to turn around before his lips were captured in a harsh kiss, his face trapped in Castiel’s hands.  
A Castiel who was shouting through this kiss, made it more intense, forcing his teeth and tongue without tenderness. Dean searched under his shirt and touched his skin, he felt Castiel shiver before he pulled away and dropped his forehead in his neck. Dean let him recover and gently squeezed him against him.  
« You’re welcome » Dean whispered with a tender smile, a hand resting on the back of his neck. « I wanted you to know… I wanted all of them to know.... » He tenderly pushed him away. « I know it’s complicated between us but… I love you, Cass, and I don’t want to hide it anymore » he let the palm of his hand on Castiel’s cheek.  
« It’s not complicated between us… It’s just us» Castiel corrected. « Us, nothing but us » he brushed very soft kisses on his lips.  
« We should go back to the living room. They’re gonna wonder where we’ve disappeared, Balty first » he smiled and brushed Dean’s kips with the tip of his fingers.  
« Poor Bobby» he tried not to laugh. « Does he know? » he asked.  
« He suspected something and, according to Jo, now he’s sure of it. » he raised an eyebrow with a smirk.  
« Why? »  
« Why what? » Dean didn’t know where Castiel was getting at.  
« Why now? So quickly »  
« Because the idea of the two of us may be complicated but it’s for real and it will always be »  
They stared at each other for a moment… Silence was their witness.  
« Tell me again » Castiel begged in a whisper. « Tell me again, please »  
Dean whispered the words in his ears and Castiel smiled.  
   
The rest of the afternoon went on in the same ambiance after several minutes of discomfort quickly forgotten, Bobby joined the conversation, exchanging accomplice glances and smiles with Dean from time to time.  
The children were right. He was happy again and all that mattered was they had their share of suffering, they deserved some happiness dropped on their lap.  
A brand new family was born around the table, filled with half-eaten cakes, empty wine glasses and coffee cups… A family beyond blood  
Not so ordinary anymore.

  
   
www

  
   
Dean finished cleaning the kitchen. The children had gone to bed, totally exhausted after the guests had left and the dog was sprawling in his basket, closing his eyes after a long walk with Castiel.  
Dean felt it before he actually heard it… The music coming from the living room. He put his towel away, intrigued and headed to the living room door.  
Castiel was standing in front of the hi-fi system, his hands resting on the stand. Dean leaned against the door frame, folded his arms, smile with tenderness and observed him for a while. He seemed to be lost in some sort of meditation, lulled by the music. He knew this song very well and all of a sudden, the lyrics hit him with clarity...  
« Unintended »  
Castiel wasn’t very fond of this kind of music in general, probably an inheritance from his narrow education. Yet he had started to adapt to modern music, thanks to the kids who made him discover a brand new world, beyond classical music or country ballads. Even if, most of the time, he didn’t really comprehend it all.  
He had discovered Muse by chance, one day he read the lyrics of one of their songs, with the sound of one acoustic guitar, one voice and the impression it was about him in particular.  
At the time, he was already in love with Dean, he had fell in love at first sight. Since then, that song had become their song, but his own in particular.

Dean let himself drown in the tune, he knew it by heart, after listening to it over and over again.  
And suddenly, he felt a twinge on his heart. Castiel started to slowly move at the slow rhythm of the music. He wasn’t actually dancing, he had claimed very often he couldn’t dance. He was just gently rocking, his shoulders hunched, bewitched by the melody, forgetting everything around him.  
Dean walked to him, without a sound, afraid to scare him and ruin the magic of the moment. He finally pressed his chest against Castiel’s back and put his arms around him. Castiel startled and smiled.  
« Dean » he let out in a whisper, closing his eyes and lowering his chin.  
He felt him move behind him, at his own pace. He felt the lips in the back of his neck.  
« You’re my unintended choice... » he whispered in his ear. « ... and I put the broken pieces together again thanks to you...I’m here, Cass»  
« Dean » Castiel put his hands on Dean’s, interlacing their fingers.  
« You’re the man of my life» he whispered as he brushed soft kisses in his neck.

Dean never thought he could have said the words, he never could tell them another way than how he did right now, and he may never had the courage to tell them again one day, but he was happy he could do it today, because he had thought and meant each and every syllable.  
He felt Castiel free himself from his embrace and turn to face him. He saw his eyes and suddenly felt uncomfortable. He wasn’t used to this kind of open-heart declaration. Castiel raised his right hand and put it on Dean’s cheek. Dean closed his eyes and drowned in the feeling.  
He brushed his cheekbone with the tip of his thumb and studied all the features of this face he never wanted to forget. Each freckle, each line, wrinkle around the eyes, plump lips, small flaws which made him beautiful... Each little detail that made him love the guy more than he thought possible. He never got enough of him, and never would. He had been waiting for ten years for that moment.  
« Dean » he said, almost out of breath, out of words to express how he was feeling. He brushed his lips with his thumb and captured his breath. He felt Dean’s hands leave his hips and slowly travel up to the back of his neck, his thumbs caressing his throat, softly, at the rhythm of a kiss filled with communion of souls.  
Castiel put his free hand on Dean’s chest and gently pushed him a little. Dean shivered.  
The song stopped and started again. Dean looked at the hi-fi with a smile and then drowned in the blue eyes again.  
His hand travelled up and brushed the other’s hair. He kissed him again, but this time, with more passion and desire. He pushed Castiel towards the armchair; he lost his balance and ended up sitting with a laughter.  
Dean stood in front of him, with shining eyes.  
« The kids… »  
« They’re asleep » Dean snapped as he put his hands on his knees, leaning toward him.  
Castiel cupped his lover’s face in his hands.  
« Not here... »  
« Yes, here » Dean snapped in a low voice, kneeling before Castiel. « Here and now...Because I may not have the courage and because… I want it, Cass ». Still staring at him in the eye, he detached his belt buckle and let his fingers slide along the zipper.  
« Dean ...You shouldn’t if you don’t... » Dean kissed the palm of his hand to make him keep silent.  
« Shut up, Cass... For once, shut up» he forced the man to raise his butt so he could take his pants off.  
« I... » He looked down at the hidden desire.  
« It may not be fantastic, you know, I… » Dean blushed, feeling uncomfortable.  
He felt a mixture of feelings, wishing to run away and at the same time, he wanted to dare and go through it all.  
Castiel’s only answer was a kiss. A burning kiss, one that consumed them. Dean took advantage to free the captive member. Castiel tried to suppress a cry of anticipation.  
Dean straightened a little and stared at Castiel, putting a hand on his crotch which made Castiel brace against the back of the armchair, his eyes closed and his mouth half opened.  
Dean felt his own desire grow in his pants suddenly too tight; the image he had under his eyes was so erotic he felt overwhelmed.  
He slowly ran his hands against his lover’s thighs and grabbed his hardened dick. He caressed it and, slowly, leaned toward it.  
To say the sensation was likeable would be a lie. At first, he felt a mixture of panic and nausea. Then, he gradually let Castiel’s moaning guide him and closed his eyes to avoid seeing what he was doing, what he was holding in his hand, between his lips  
Little by little, hesitation let way to a sort of strange frenzy that he couldn’t control as if, suddenly there was nothing more important than the other’s pleasure, besides his own, painful in his own pants.  
Castiel’s erratic movement in the armchair forced Dean to push him back and Castiel grabbed this hand immediately. He felt the other hand pull and torture his hair and Dean loved it.  
It was a surprise for him, this warmth in his mouth. He lost all sense of time. Even his gestures became more natural. He listened to Castiel’s breathing, giving rhythm to the back and forth sensation.  
All of a sudden, he felt his body pushed backwards as Castiel came violently.  
He rested on his heels, facing the nudity of his lover, with a hand on the warm and comforting skin of his lower abdomen, feeling his erratic breathing under his fingers. He didn’t dare look at him.  
Castiel remained motionless then let go of Dean’s hand and pulled up his boxer shorts and his pants as he leaned towards Dean’s face.  
« I... » Dean moaned, looking down.  
« Dean » he put a finger under his chin to make him look up.  
« I’m sorry. I wasn’t.... » Dean whispered, feeling clumsy.  
« Don’t be sorry. It was perfect » Castiel told him at once, putting a finger on his lips, underlining their curves.  
Dean laughed, perplexed and little convinced.  
« C’mon, we need a shower » Castiel said, helping him up and kissing him without warning.

Body against body, desire against desire, skin against skin, the warm water took away their desire one last time.  
Dean finally fell asleep against Castiel’s chest, cradled by the hand in his hair.

  
   
www

  
   
The morning after, there were timid knocks on the door and Castiel woke up. It was Sunday. He smiled and caressed Dean’s face.  
« Hmmm » he mumbled, pushing the hand away.  
Castiel leaned forward and got out of bed with a smile. He grabbed both boxer shorts on the floor and threw one to Dean...  
« Put this on... »  
« Don’t want to » Dean grumbled.  
« It’s Jewel» that totally woke up the father in him.  
« Shit! » he put it on.  
Castiel watched him get dressed, felt the embarrassment at the idea of his daughter seeing him in this particularly peculiar situation.  
« What are you looking at? » Dean grouched.  
« Nothing » the other one replied with tenderness.  
« Nothing, my ass »  
Castiel quickly kissed him and stroke his lips.  
The knocks on the door went stronger.  
« It’s open, Sweetie » Castiel announced.  
They heart footsteps followed by a hesitant click.  
Castiel turned to Dean...Apache...  
« May we come in? » Jewel, in a blue pajama, was twisting her feet and hands, the dog sitting by her side, staring at her father, bare-chested, Castiel standing at his right.  
« Come here » Dean smiled, patting on the bed.  
She didn’t ask twice and settle comfortably between the two… Apache as well.  
Dean held her tight against her and kissed her. Apache sat between Castiel’s legs, waving his tail in contentment.  
« Where’s your brother? » he asked.  
« He’s setting the table » she didn’t seem troubled at all to see both men share the same bed.  
She leaned and rested her head on Castiel’s chest who kissed her temple.  
They remained motionless, in silence, for several minutes… Together.  
Then there were some footsteps and Chadwick showed up in the door frame.  
« Hi » he said, observing them with no expression on his face.  
« Hi, big boy » Dean suddenly felt naked in front of his son.  
« Jewel » Chadwick asked, waving his hand. The little girl sighed and pushed herself a little. Apache stood up and sat at the bed end, obviously unhappy to be disturbed.

Chadwick climbed on the bed and cuddled against his father who put an arm around his shoulders and kissing him on the forehead.  
« Thank you ». That’s all Dean felt able to tell him.  
Thank you...  
To Chadwick, to Jewel...  
To Castiel...  
To his ordinary family...  
Tessa had been the girl of his live.  
Castiel would now be his man...  
   
On the mailbox:  
« Family Winchester & Novak »

  
   
THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a note that Elyrian askes me to share :
> 
> "Dear Readers,  
> Many thanks for reading this story through; it was certainly a great adventure for me to translate this jewel, and I hope it was a great adventure for you too to step on this journey with an extraordinary author, Barjy, whom I wish to thank again so much for giving me the opportunity to go through this wonderful challenge. Until next time, for the sequels....  
> Love, Elyrian"

**Author's Note:**

> I finished writing this story. I'll post one chapter every two weeks  
> See you soon if you fell like it.  
> Thank you.


End file.
